Centered3

I finished the steps last summer/early fall. I've given my number out to dozens of women, but not many call me. And if they do call, it's to complain about their sponsor or the step work and they usually don't call again because they don't want to follow suggestions.

I've never actually sponsored anyone.

It's hard not to take it personally, when I see other women taking sponsees through the steps.

I do go to my home group religiously (no pun intended) every week, and I carry the message of just the steps each and every time I share. I've grown up a lot from years ago when my shares were just rambling, venting nonsense at open discussion meetings.

My way of going up to newcomers is asking them if they have a sponsor, because I don't want to step on anyone's toes.

How else can I work Step 12 if I don't have any sponsees?

While in step 4, I used to buy the cookies and milk for my meeting, but 1) that didn't seem to be much service, and 2) I would eat the cookies and have to buy others once opened, or I would obsess about eating the cookies, so that wasn't healthy for me.

And what might I improve on, to have people ask me to sponsor them? Something in my shares? Something in my own recovery work? Greet more newcomers?

The other thing is, many times people who attend my home group already have a sponsor and they were told to go to our meeting.

Sometimes I think it might be because my alcoholism journey is much more convoluted (more than 1 addiction, not just alcohol) and less straight forward than others. Maybe people think I wouldn't make a good sponsor because of that?

What are other ways to be of service?

stevieg46

Hi Centered .

Years ago apparently ? I believe the 12th Step read ,'' carried the message to ALL others '' that could mean practicing the principles with everyone inside and outside of AA .

Like you say you carry the message when saying something at a meeting that's fine , but I have never went around asking newcomers ''if they have a sponsor ? '' that may indicate to them that you are ''offering '' it may appear that you have a ''for hire sign on your head, grin '' don't forget attraction works better than promotion . Easy does it do not be over anxious or anxious , it might be those you asked if they had a sponsor may not be willing to go to any lengths , at the end of the day we that try our best to work the program are ambassadors or examples of ''how AA works '' it is better ''to be asked '' there are many ways of carrying the message or being involved in service , there are Prisons/ Hospitals , Public Relations , Intergroup those that get involved doing these things benefit greatly as it all involves carrying the message ..

Said while back ''do not take your( Self ) so seriously '' it is Gods will not ''ours '' you are doing good don't complicate things is my advice, take care.

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006

Gottalife

I think it is a mistake to think of step 12 as service. It is in fact the final step in our program of recovery, one complete side of the triangle. The book tells us over and over again that working with others is vital to permanent recovery.

Research as also proven that people who sponsor (work with others) have way better outcomes than those who don't.

Today I think the AA concept of sponsorship as laid out in Working With Others has become somewhat corrupted by the modern model. We no longer go looking for people to help, we flick friends and family of alcoholics off to other fellowships,we don't qualify who we are working with, we often don't even make a 12 step call, relying instead on them coming to us.

When we look at some types of sponsorship on offer today we see practices more akin to a life coach or therapist, delving into all areas of a sponsees life, giving advice on things we are not qualified in, controlling, asking them to do things that are not in the program. It is not a good look and as a result I think sponsorship comes in for a lot of criticism, much of it justified.

So I wouldn't be in a hurry to assume the title of sponsor. Working with others can be accomplished many other ways.

How about getting yourself on the 12 step list. Team up with someone and respond to calls from the hotline.

How about getting involved in some H&I meetings, carrying your message into hospital detoxes, and prisons?

How about keeping an eye out for the newcomer, making them welcome and maybe sitiing and talking with about what is in the Big Book.

My own home group is a Big Book Study. We have gained some real insight into the program of AA. Little good it will do us if we keep it to ourselves. The group will shortly start a 12 step workshop where folks attending can be taken through the steps in four one hour sessions. It is not the beginning and end, but it will get them over the fear and mystery of the steps and into learning the principles.

Our group has a good number who know the big book and have taken (and continue to take) the steps and now we have the opportunity to pass that on. Not sure how mch help it will be to the newcomers, but work like this certainly benefits the mebers of a group in a way that nothing else does.

Centered3

I hadn't thought of that. Being a good example is carrying the message. Thank you!

I used to ask newcomers if they had a sponsor as a way to introduce them to one of the sponsors before or after the meeting. But now that I'm able to sponsor, I was continuing it and it turned into promotion instead of attraction. Thanks for pointing that out. :-)

Good point, who would want to work with an anxious sponsor? :-)

Another good point, thank you. My sponsor told me she gives her number out to dozens of women. Rarely they call, and even more rarely they start writing. I was her first to get through all the steps.

Thanks Stevie. I forget that just living, being, behaving, and thinking the way I am is setting an example of recovery.

I do want to volunteer. The one thing that's stopping me, is that I get emotional and I take on other people's pain. It's hard to explain.

But maybe now it will be different if I'm just going to carry the message. I'm thinking as I'm typing. Maybe I'm not like this anymore. When I talk with alcoholics, I am focused on carrying the message in the "suggestions" I give them, and I will say a little prayer for them if I am feeling their pain. Maybe I can do this!

Thank you, Stevie!!!

tomsteve

carrying the message at meetings is part of the 12th step.
one part of the 12th step many people miss

and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Centered3

Good point, Mike. It's step 12 of 12 after all. It's not voluntary. And as you wrote, the book says it's "vital". Plus Bill W wrote an entire chapter just on Step 12.

I've heard that, too. We get a better understanding of the work when we teach it to others. That's why I am concerned that I haven't sponsored anyone yet. I don't want to relapse because of not working Step 12.

I agree. I like hearing from traditionalist type speakers who "grab two guys and go help a drunk". I also agree about us flicking people off into other fellowships. I don't want to ruffle any feathers, since I do not mean to go against the 12 traditions, but IMHO there'd be a lot more recovery if everyone went to AA meetings to recover, and then maybe used the other fellowships for the specific things they deal with. Like, go to OA for a diet plan/diet buddy but go to AA to learn how to do the steps out of the big book. There's just too much separation which waters down the AA message.

Yes! That is such a good point. Sponsorship isn't supposed to be about helping someone with their problems. It's supposed to be about carrying the message of how to recovery with the steps. I think when sponsors turn into therapists or life coaches, they do a disservice to the sponsee. And that's also why many sponsors start getting power trips. Sponsors are not trained therapists.

I am relieved to hear that.

Oh wow what a great idea!!! How do I do this?

How do I find H&I meetings?

I do this sometimes but not nearly enough. I just realized I make sitting down all about where I want to sit, vs sitting down next to the newcomer.

Yes that was my feeling, too. I come from a strong big book study group and I am so grateful for what I learned. But it's not helping anyone if I keep it in my own head. That's a great idea of your group starting a 12 step workshop.

Centered3

Perfect, Steve. :-) I guess I'm working the step more than I thought I was. Thank you.

stevieg46

At the end of the day an important part of being a sponsor is not to be a ''nursemaid '' and not getting'' emotionally involved '' in any of their problems you can only point them in the direction you feel will benefit them .

I could write a whole thread about getting emotionally involved in others problems , the best way to avoid doing this is to learn and ''practice Detachment '' which at the end of the day comes down to ''letting go and letting God '' it does not mean you do not care about others , again when situations arise point them in the direction that is beneficial , we cannot change others only ourselves , accepting things we cannot change asap means also we do not ''allow ourselves '' to take on other peoples problems because if we keep doing so it becomes a big problem to us and we finish up trying to solve others problems or again nursing them , we need to know'' when to detach '' which is part of keeping it simple , carrying the message not the alcoholic , lean on program not on other people , no human power etc etc ''Words are easy Music is a lot harder '' take care .

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006

sg1970

I have always considered posting here as 12th step work.

Berrybean

Yes. Telephone or Internet responders are always good. I know someone who writes to and visits alcoholics in prison. Tea person, putting chairs out, giving people rides to meetings (the ones who genuinely need help, not just making yourself a free taxi service ) being a welcomer for your group (standing outside the door and being a friendly face for newcomers), putting yourself forward to be be secretary or literature person or treasures when the time comes. There are so many ways.

Centered3

Thanks, Stevie. I've made this mistake before in my life pre-AA. In thinking about it some more, I notice when I talk with people in AA to carry the message, only once or twice I got a little too involved in their emotional pain. Lesson learned hopefully??

I could too....

Those are great points, Stevie.

I hadn't put all those things together. It does make a lot of sense. I see now that even when I talk to someone at AA to carry the message, my messages have gotten shorter and more simple.

No human power. Yes that is so true!! I don't have the power to get anyone sober, no matter how much time I spend with them listening or sharing ESH. God gets us sober and keeps us sober.

Thanks, Stevie for yet another very helpful post!!

Centered3

Yes, I do too. But sometimes I think it'd be more beneficial to speak with a person F2F vs. typing at a computer.

Gottalife

A couple pf points C3, from my earlier post.

By flicking people off to other fellowships, really a poor choice of words, I meant to illustrate the practice of telling the SO of an alcoholic "they have to want to stop, there is nothing you can do, you just take care fo your self and go to Alanon" That is pretty much the opposite of what the book suggests we do in that situation.

In terms of the hotline and H&I meetings, in my home town, the meetings timetable includes institutional and detox meetings, which we are free to attend. It is important to remember that these meetings have a very specific purpose, 12 step, and dumping issues etc is not appropriate. It is what is so good about them really, we put self aside and try to help the alcoholic who is still suffering.

H&I may run from a group, or intergroup or a committee. Ask your GSR who you need to see.

Usually, the hotline has a coordinator responsible for making sure the phone is attended 24/7. You can volunteer for that part of things, or you can ask to be included on the 12 step list for the actual call outs. It is important to have a buddy go with you. Maybe you can find someone in your group who is already active, and they can show you how.

I Also believe the optimal 12 step combination is a male and female together. That way it is safe to respond to a call from either sex. Double the chances of getting a call.

Hope that helps.

Centered3

God has shown me where I can help His children! Check out this God Shot:

While walking my dog this morning, I met up with a group from a facility that takes care of adults with intellectual disabilities, mental health issues like panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and substance abuse/alcoholism.

They all gravitated to my dog. I spoke with one of the attendants and she said I could definitely visit to share my experience, and bring my dog, but she'd need to be certified first.

I've heard of different places for certification. How do I find a local one? I hope she passes! My dog has been a God sent to me over the years.

Centered3

[QUOTE] Thanks, Mike. I just saw this post now so I apologize for the late reply.

Wait you lost me. Actually Alanon confuses me so I've been avoiding those meetings. Four years ago I asked someone from my home group if I should go to Alanon for my family stuff and she said, "Why would you do that?! We're the "enemy" to those in Alanon!" What you quoted is often what I heard.

Can you explain how 12 step is not what is allowed at institutional and detox meetings? Isn't that helping the alcoholic who is suffering? I've never been to one of these types of meetings so I am curious. I also don't know if my high bottom with alcohol (low bottom other addictions) would be unappreciated. I do not want to go where I am not welcome, even though my spiritual/mental bottom was as low as a human being could get.

Ok but I have to think this through. I'm not sure a high bottom alcoholic would be the right person for this. I am 100% confident taking someone through the steps but not confident that I can help someone with physical withdrawal, etc. I've only heard two men speak once about these types of service commitments.

That's a good idea. I always thought it was same gender.

It does, thanks!

DayTrader

Bill went looking for drunks. He found many in bars, in hospitals, in his home city, and again when he was traveling on business. 10 dimes he tossed into that pay phone while on the road in Ohio looking for someone he could help. Eventually he found Dr. Bob. Bill and Bob went out and found AA #3 (Bill Dodson, I believe). That's one of the yardsticks I use for myself when I look at "am I working step 12." Am I waiting for alkies to come to me / to call me or am I an active participant in the process? Am I willing to do what Bill did.....be frustrated and even fail many times in the process of carrying our message? Am I willing, like Dr Bob was, to open my house up to people who are trying to recover? Tall orders........I know.

While it's true I'm typically doing better than I think I am, especially when that old "you're not good" tape is playing in my head.........it's also important for me to be honest with myself when I'm looking at just what it is I'm doing and not doing. What am I not willing to do? Are there actions I'm avoiding? Why? Should I reconsider those beliefs? Should I change even though I don't want to?

When I don't have anyone new to work with and the guys I do sponsor are kinda on auto-pilot, and I'm looking for new ppl but not coming up with any.........what else can I be doing? One thing is to change my actions in meetings: Am a being the best example I can be? Do I really listen to what others are saying? Am I argumentative because my ego wants me to prove a point / that I'm right? Am practicing sharing my experiences and letting the chips fall where they may? Do I selfishly sit there pondering all the wonderful and impressive words I'm going to use when it's my turn to talk? Do I show I'm interested in the group by being present or do I get up when others are talking because I feel like a cup of coffee or a cookie? Do I get there early enough and look for the person wandering around half-lost and half-scared to dead because it's a new meeting or their first meeting? Do I stay late enough to talk to the guy/gal who's afraid to go home or doesn't have a home to go to? Am I carrying "A" message? What message is it? Is it MY message.....the "recovery via Mike's program" message or is it THE message? Am I honest about how I work the program or do I sometimes BS ppl about what I do /how well I'm doing because I think it'll make them like or respect me?

......those are some of the ways I work 12 when I'm not directly sponsoring someone new and actively working through the steps with them.

cairn

Drunk tank. Early morning. Bring smokes, liquor and coffee. They don't know where their car is, they don't know if they still have a home, there's no treatment center sales rep trying to capitalize on them there, they're down, and best of all? there's not a damn soul there from that local meeting where everyone is reporting well now, to compete with. All yours. Cheer em up. Piece together the police report with what they do remember.

quarter tank of gas helps.

oldsoul112249

AA didn't always have sponsors and sponsees. The message was carried at meetings and through practicing the principles in all our affairs. The book also talks about people making a sole vocation of this work vs. being an example. That's a pretty broad area. I share whenever and wherever I'm inspired and let my life now do the talking.

Gottalife

Hi C3, my punctuation and use of acronyms may have caused you to misunderstand a couple of things I wrote.

Firstly in connection with Alanon, I was referring to the practice of telling the non alcoholic partner of an alcoholic that they should go to Alanon is there is nothing that can be done to help the alcoholic until they want to get well. That is not what the book says.

The second was that the purpose of institutional meetings is specifically 12 step, as opposed to regular meetings where I might have talked about my day or my petty little problems that have nothing to do with carrying the message of hope to the still suffering alcoholic.

Sorry for the poor grammar.

IvanMike

In my experience, we carry the message by staying clean and sober and by changing how we live. We carry the message by staying and showing that recovery works. We carry the message by facing life and our emotions, and making it to the other side without getting loaded.


People inside and outside the rooms watch us.