JustAnotherDay

It kills me that my AXBF can still not acknowledge that alcohol ruined everything. Complete denial is mind boggling. He wanted to "Cordially discuss the business" and it turns into how I'm all these terrible things as soon as I mention the magic word; alcohol.

I'm so hurt that no matter what happened it was always me. Never an apology for the terrible things that happened.

Why are they so cruel? Why does it hurt so much to let someone go that you KNOW makes your life miserable? I'm trying so hard to stand up for myself and do the right thing but I get sucked into arguments because I want him to realize WHY this all happened. As if, Explaining my case for the millionth time would change anything.

I just really need support and my local al-anon sucks. His family doesn't care. Mine doesn't get it. My friends don't understand. I just feel so alone and like nothing will make the pain go away no matter how busy I try to stay.

I'm don't even know if everything I've typed/said makes sense. I just have to get it out there and hope it will help me heal the gaping wound.

pandblvr

Alcoholism is the only disease that effects people not afflicted with it. It is a lifelong battle-dealing with alcoholism. I know how bad your heart aches. It's so hard to watch someone not realize the damage they've caused.

Eventually if your ex is working a program and the steps, he will recognize the damage he's done and his contributions to the unraveling of your relationship. He will contact you to make amends. At the beginning of sobriety though it is so hard to see.

Congrats on reaching out. Now you can focus on yourself and your life and put yourself first. Can you try another Al-Anon meeting? Or Nar-Anon? It will give you a design for living and freedom from the bondage of alcoholism.

Keep fighting<3

JustAnotherDay

I wish he would work a program. He's been in an out of AA for a few years but never took it seriously. Last time he was sober for about a year he did the 90 meetings in 90 days and he seemed much more focused. But when he stopped making meetings a priority then his sobriety wasn't a priority.

I don't know that I could ever go back. I've forgiven him so many times and I just don't think I can do this battle for another minute. I lost to alcohol. I know that. I just wish he did.

And the one al-anon meeting in my area is full of old, old timers who seem to be ok with accepting this is how it is to live with an alcoholic for life. I don't want to live with them. I can't. They've put in their 20-30 years of living with it and don't want to leave it. I feel like they are weak because they wouldn't just leave. But then neither would I. Finally, now that I have made those steps I see why people would want to avoid that pain and just be complacent with the crap lifestyle of never having a loving, compassionate partner for the rest of their lives.

Autumnlover19

I feel your pain. I'm a RA myself and I do understand that alcohol has ruined many things in my life and affected the lives of those around me. But my AXBF doesn't understand the damage he has caused, nor will he ever, especially if he is still drinking. Absolutely no point in talking to him about it, or anything important really.

So frustrating and sad. And yes, local Alanon here is small, few and far between, and not particularly helpful.

I don't really have advice, just know that it's not you, and that you're not alone.

Yoga

Acceptance is the answer. That is the only way you'll start to heal.

He'll never understand,there is no point in trying to make him see.he won't,doesn't want to.

It's time to heal you.

LexieCat

Yoga's right. I totally get how upsetting and frustrating it can be, but whether you stay with the alcoholic or leave, acceptance really IS the answer to YOUR problem. So maybe your Al-Anon old-timers aren't as off the wall as you think they are. They've decided what they want to do and are accepting. You've decided what you want to do, but you are still fighting tooth and nail with "I wish," "I want," and "I can't understand." Once you truly ACCEPT that he is the way he is and stop trying to FORCE him to be different, you will get a measure of peace. You can leave him to live his life as he chooses and go on to live your own. Not saying you will never have moments of sadness or frustration about it, but it doesn't need to be consuming you.

The bottom line is that he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do. He doesn't have to see it your way for you to live the way you want to live. Start working on letting go. It really does work.

JustAnotherDay

I guess that's my problem. I KNOW I can't do anything about it. I KNOW I didn't cause it. I KNOW all these things but it's so hard to not get caught up in the "are you seriously still in denial!?!".

I've done everything they say to try to take my mind off of him and put it on me; joined the gym, planned a trip, read books, cook myself good food, buy myself some new things/clothes, spend more time with my family, on and on. But if there has to be a lot of communication with him then that's when my patience starts wavering. I start getting angry. I try, sometimes successfully, to let it roll off my back but then someone's it doesn't and I can't hold back my desire to say "that's not what happened! That's not true!!" and on and on.

I know it's best for me. I try to remind myself of all the mean names, broken possessions, broken promises, ruined holidays, etc and it helps me remember its really best for ME. Who cares what he thinks or says right!?

Berrybean

Does there really need to be communication between you? Is there some way you could go no contact? Might there be a CoDa group near you where you could focus on your own healing without the need for discussing him as a qualifier at all?

madgirl

Why does it hurt so much to let someone go that you KNOW makes your life miserable?

I come to this particular spot on SR to reinforce my commitment to sobriety, so I am no "codependent" expert - I'm an addict; however, that very sentence "why does it hurt so much to let go of someone who made my life miserable?" also applies to addicts in recovery - the only difference is "why does it hurt so much to let go of someTHING which made my life miserable?"

Anyway - why does it? I'm genuinely curious.

dandylion

JustAnotherDay.....for my own edification, exactl y how long has it been since you two broke up?

dandylion

JustAnotherDay

[QUOTE= MAYBE if I just to THIS. MAYBE if I can just illustrate THAT. But here is the thing. WHAT if you DO see it clearly? WHAT if you DO have the solution? WHAT IF....he does not see it. WHAT IF ..he will NEVER see it? YOU may look at a Picasso ...and SEE the meaning. There are millions out there who will NOT. AS someone said in this thread. YOU ...need to ACCEPT that. Maybe ...under it all. You WANT a person who can see the meaning...in the painting. In life. In YOU. [/QUOTE]

This sums up how I feel!!!! Thank you for your words as this is what I'm scared of. I don't know that I want to be one of those old timers that put themselves and their wants, needs, desires aside for 10-30 years. They may be happy because they have worked on a program but was it all worth it??

I've tired to grow and learn so much in the last few years but when it all comes to an end I just feel a pain that I can't power thru. I don't believe all those evil things he says but it sure makes me wish I hadn't chosen someone that would do/say such awful things. I always think to myself; "this is NOT how my grandfather would treat my dear grandmother. Because that's real love. This is not love, don't get fooled, it's just a manipulation". And I try to move past it.

Thank you for your time to write that, every little bit of encouragement helps. <3

JustAnotherDay

Weeks.

And to another posters question of why no contact; we have a business together and haven't gotten all of that mess situated yet. But I can't wait until I'm completely free because every little thing turns into an argument started by his toxic mouth.

dandylion

JustAnotherDay.....it does make it much harder when he is still a part of your daily life and environment......

Yes, you can and will get through it when the time comes......
The courage just shows up in the instant that y ou really NEED it.........

dandylion

Eauchiche

Dear Just
I heard the phrase, "I don' t have to show up at every fight I'm invited to," at an AlAnon meeting. When I finally accepted that any contact with my mate was a fight waiting to happen, I went no contact. That was almost a year ago. Do I miss him? Yes. I'm still no contact.
I hope we can be a support to you while you unravel this business arrangement and go on with your life.

D122y

Great thread.

Alcohol causes brain damage.

Now clean for a while, I am a different person.

Your axbf is living in an alcohol induced alternative reality.

All of us ex drunks get that, but folks that are still there or have never arrived (arguably), don't.

Your issue is serious, otherwise you would not have vented about it.

If the mess isn't that serious, I would walk away from it. You never know what a drunken situation can decay into.

My wife and I got into some serious domestics when I was drinking.

Since I quit....0 big fights.

Thanks.

JustAnotherDay

He's told me that I thrive on arguing or complaining. Even though I literally could go days without speaking to him. I don't thrive on it, it's the vein of my existence! But yes, thru the periods of sobriety; zero "fights" (my idea of a fight is physical or screaming while 'normal' people just don't agree with each other lol), no escalated arguments and maybe a "hey you forgot to take the garbage to the street AGAIN". So I've replied with, then why do we only argue when you're drinking?

Conversation over.

End game to not having a suitable answer, back out and close down, resort to name calling, blah blah. Waste of my time.

JustAnotherDay

Thank you all for the advice and words. I'm so thankful every time I log in and see them. Comments from former addicts make me realize even more they aren't in a good mental state and people struggling with loved ones make me realize I can do it. And it can be done.

AnvilheadII

i think it is important to take "drinking" out of any conversations you have with him. keep it to the business. limit contact as much as possible.

you will NEVER find the right combination of WORDS that get thru to him. he doesn't want to hear it. he is FINE. his drinking is not a problem for HIM< only for you. and as an adult he is entitled to drink til he pukes out his eyeballs.

we often go the source of our pain and expect them to FIX our pain. hardware store for bread. your healing must come from elsewhere.

bluelily

Here are some of the things I was told:
*I* shouldn´t drink because I clearly can´t handle it (I must´ve had three sips of wine during dinner when I was with him, I almost never drink)
I ruin everything with all my drama (this from someone who was always picking fights)
He has never had a drinking problem, he has been drinking since he was 14 so that shows he can handle it
Women are always after him for his money (in the end he was demanding I "lend" him money when he lost his job)
He gave me his best, I was the one who spoiled it all because I attacked him with my tears (never mind I was crying because he was being aggressive, it was just a manipulative tactic of me)

Can you see how absurd it all sounds?
I know how it feels, I spent a lot of time trying to make him SEE, and then going over and over the arguments in my head that would finally convince him I wasn´t insane. Meanwhile, I caught him one time telling his brother something like "you know, bluelily is the most irrational person you can meet, and even she thinks that... (insert some random comment)" when I burst out "Me irrational?! How about you?" they both just smiled at me condescendingly.
I really get how you´re feeling, it´s actually quite insulting. I think the only thing that ultimately helped me was to go NC. And I still wonder what he´s telling others about me. And then I get angry.
And then I foget for a while, and then remember some more BS.
Oh, well. I suppose it will fade away in the end.

JustAnotherDay

Bluelily I could've written this word for word. Some of these Ive heard and many others that I'm sure you've heard.

I used to fight tooth and nail to be right but I realized resistance was futile. Then once I made boundaries he would get angry. I used wording, ideas or phrases I've learned hear and in Al-anon, putting my foot down on contributing financially to the household and drinking in the house would not be allow and then I was "cheating and some other man must be "feeding this crazy bull$h**". Even buying new clothes was because if found someone else. Very insecure and then fueled by alcohol.

I just know that I could live the rest of my life without being called terrible names or being disrespected like that and that's what keeps me going. Happiness is out there. I know we can all find/make it!!!