LadyEdith

Im sorry to vent...I have no one else to turn to and I'm just so hurt and angry. AH spent the morning watching his 74 year-old aunt and me hammer together the edges of a sand pit that will serve as the base for the kids' swimming pool. Two days of work culminated with our hammering stakes into the ground in the heat. He sat there and watched. And drank. He cracked his first beer at 10:30 am and had four in an hour. He didn't stop.

I had to run for more sand to fill in the divots in the sand that's already there. I left and he called my cell phone to come back for him, he needed to go. Because I wouldn't be able to lift the bags by myself. Did he NOT just watch me lift and hammer heavy boards? Whatever. So I came back and he went with me.

We went to two stores (neither had what we were looking for) and he demanded to go home. I took him happily. I called the last store I was going to try and they had the sand. I told AH and he said "let me have a cigarette and we will go". (Insert sound of beer can opening here).

15 minutes later we were on our way. We got the sand and headed home. The whole way home he ranted about EVERYTHING, especially people who are ethnically different from him. Sigh. He unloaded the sand and proceeded to dump it on the opposite end of the pool base from where I needed it. I had to move 200 lbs of sand with a shovel, without complaint, so he wouldn't go off on me. Then he proceeded to tell me how I was doing it all wrong...he started shifting sand around, undoing everything I had just done. The whole time belittling me and saying what an idiot I am for doing it this way.

I went inside to look for the remaining pool parts and he followed me inside, just so he can tell me how hard he worked and how he wasn't close to being finished...HE had a lot of work to do to get this pool up!

He spent the evening nitpicking the kids. Watching them play video games and shouting at them to "switch cars!!!" "Watch behind you!!!" "Not that gun! Use the OTHER one!" And if they don't listen, they are told his stupid they are and he will call them every name in the book.

The kids brought their report cards home. My oldest has a 4.0 in her first year of high school. She told AH that the teacher gave her a bit of extra credit so that she could get an A in the class...she was .01 point from an A. Instead of saying what a great job she did, and praising her, he said "you should've had an A the whole time! The teacher shouldn't have to go that! Get your ass in gear next year!"

The kids have asked me when I'm ending this. When we can live a normal life. I can't summon the strength to do it. I know it's hurting them, and me. But I'm not strong enough. Why can't I do this?!?!? Why can't I just leave him????

Liveitwell

^ because you are as addicted to him as he is to alcohol. Btdt. Please get some support for yourself and your kids-what they are living in is abuse....and it's not ok. Please summon the strength to get out or set some firm boundaries-you gotta start standing up for yourself (and I know how hard that is after years of being beaten down and scared!). YOU are worth it, your kids are worth it.

LadyEdith

How could I be addicted to him? He repulses me. Everything about him. I just want to get as far away from him as possible and I can't summon the strength to do it. I'm afraid of him. That's what it boils down to.

Liveitwell

^ I was afraid of my ex as well. He sounds a lot like your husband....and I do understand your feelings. What exactly are you afraid of, in respect to leaving? Are you afraid he will hurt you? It doesn't sound like thre is any reason to stay....but something is holding you back. For me, it was fear of the unknown. As much as I hated my reality and the abusive monster my ex could be and how much he repulsed me, it kimd of became normal and it was a very uncomfortable toxic abusuve comfort zone. I had some sort of control there, ESP in respect to my children.

maia1234

Edith, he can't summon the strength to go with out alcohol, and you can't summon the strength to leave. No difference.

I don't mean to be mean, but your kids are asking you to get out and leave. Please reach out and see an addiction therapist to get the strength to leave. I know you feel unworthy, but he is destroying another generation. These are your kids and they are worthy.

Please go and read the forum of adult children of alcoholics. See how screwed up they are because one parent didn't leave and take the kids out of an abusive home. Please listen to them. They need your help, they want out, this is abuse to all of you. Hugs my friend we r here to help you get through this.

ladyscribbler

I was addicted to what was familiar, having grown up in an alcoholic home, as much as I loathed him and his hideous behavior, it was sort of normal to me.
I was also afraid of him, how he would react, his anger, rages, the abuse I knew was coming my way if I stood up for myself. In the end I didn't do it for myself, but for my kids, so that they wouldn't be subjected to any more abuse.
I had to step away from this thread for a bit and come back when I read what he said to your daughter about her grades. That interaction happened word for word between me and my alcoholic father more than once. That is what helped groom me for the abusive men I later selected as romantic partners.
Can you get her to an Alateen meeting? Or some type of counseling? Anything while you're working out whatever you need to do to be ready to leave. Please. I won't push you to run out the door this minute, I know you need to be ready. But there are tools you can put into your children's hands to help them during and after this process. Everything doesn't magically get fixed just because the alcoholic is no longer in your home every day. A lot of damage has already been done and the kids need help.
Take care and keep posting.

honeypig

I will second ladyscribbler's comments about how growing up in an atmosphere like you described sets the stage for a lifetime of accepting poor treatment and outright abuse. My FOO was not an alcoholic family but my stepfather abused all of us in a number of ways. We 3 oldest kids were expected to get straight A's also, yet if we did something wrong when working around the house, garden or farm, we were told "I don't pay you to THINK!" We were constantly put down, never praised, never supported. One of my clearest memories of him is me on the tractor and him standing on the drawbar, screaming at me, shaking his fist in my face, threatening to "make that pretty little nose all bloody." I was 10. He was a grown man.

My mom is also an adult child of an alcoholic, so her own FOO dysfunctions fed into the sick dynamic w/my stepfather. At one point, my mom volunteered to get a local Girl Scout troop started, but he made it so difficult for her that she gave it up after a short time.

As we kids grew up, it became apparent how much we'd been affected by this. My brother started his own contracting business and my sister ran a bakery. Both were incredibly hard on their employees. All of us were absolutely merciless on ourselves. We had been told we were wrong and stupid so many times over so many years that our lives became centered around NEVER being wrong, which also means we could never learn, grow, experience new things, or cut ourselves or anyone else any slack. It was a terribly unhealthy way to live--painful, frightening, lonesome.

Now, at nearly 56, I'm finally learning how to do things differently. To be gentle w/myself and others, to be honest w/myself and others, to allow room for mistakes and growth--all of that is new.

As others have said, your kids don't have the power to get themselves out and get away. Please think of them. Alateen is a great suggestion for them--as ladyscribbler said, even when the A is removed from their lives, that doesn't repair the damage that's been done, and it has been done. And please, please get some help for yourself too. You say you can't summon the strength to leave him, but how much energy are you burning up every day dealing with this insanity? There IS a better way, and there are many, many stories here to show that.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

FeelingGreat

Hi Edith, your AH sounds like a nightmare to live with and i do wonder why you're still with him. Is it a lack of support? Your aunt sees how your AH behaves, have you spoken to her about it?

If you don't have family and friend's support, can you find it elsewhere? DV help line might be a place to start, or maybe local social services.

You ask 'why can't I just leave?' but we all know it's not a simple process. You have to find means of supporting yourself and the children, a place to live, a legal process if your AH becomes threatening... then on to the process of divorce.

So it is a complex process, but hundreds of women on this site have gone through it and found peace on the other side. Can you read up on this site and others, then break down what you need to do into small steps, starting with your money situation, and going on from there. You don't have to leave tomorrow but you can start planning for a new life, and the more you do the more powerful you'll feel.

When the children want free of their father, you know it's time to take action.

SparkleKitty

LE, can you define what you are afraid of when it comes to leaving him?

For me, for a long time, I was more scared of being alone than of being in a bad relationship. That came from my ACoA issues having only an alcoholic mother and codependent father as a model relationship growing up.