AA and NA MEETINGS HUSBAND DONT UNDERSTAND
Earth Child
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Posts: 2,004
AA and NA MEETINGS HUSBAND DONT UNDERSTAND
...feeling bad at the moment had a fight with my husband over the fact i want to go NA as well as AA , he said i couldnt just making it work with the same as AA ...he just dont want to hang about waiting for me as i cant go out the house on my own ...he says he got nothing to do while am in meeting s and if he goes to a cafe he has to spend money , money we havent got ...really want to hurt myself ...
...better off for everyone if am not here
...better off for everyone if am not here
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Perhaps you could take him to an open meeting with you so he can see why you go? It is hard for others to understand lily. You are always welcome here, please let your husband know you aren't feeling well too.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I'm sorry you are struggling right now, I used to think quitting drugs was the hard part, when in reality creating a strong lasting recovery in the hardest battle of all.
People who have never dealt with addiction truly do not understand what it takes to create a strong lasting recovery. I have kept the habit of keeping a journal so that I can look back and see how far I have come when I am having a hard time- perhaps you could keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings and if you feel comfortable share it with your husband if you feel comfortable doing so? That might give him a little inside look into what you are feeling and going through. Do you go to counseling? I have found that finding a substance abuse counselor that I trust and respect has been a huge tool in my recovery.
I don't know what your relationship with your husband is like, but please tell him or a family member you feel safe sharing with that you are not feeling well and that you are struggling right now. Self harm is nothing to play around with, but I am sure you know that already.
We are all here for you, and even if your husband doesn't understand we all do. Keep doing whatever you feel you need to do to continue on a strong true recovery. Would your husband be willing to go to open meetings or maybe you can go to meetings where there are al-non or other family meetings going on at the same time. Can't your husband bring a book with him to read while you are at a meeting? Or a puzzle book? Or have a friend he can bring for company or call while he is waiting for you? It is hard when our family members aren't supportive, but please don't let anyone bring you down, make you feel unworthy or that you should hurt yourself. No one is worth that, I promise you.
People who have never dealt with addiction truly do not understand what it takes to create a strong lasting recovery. I have kept the habit of keeping a journal so that I can look back and see how far I have come when I am having a hard time- perhaps you could keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings and if you feel comfortable share it with your husband if you feel comfortable doing so? That might give him a little inside look into what you are feeling and going through. Do you go to counseling? I have found that finding a substance abuse counselor that I trust and respect has been a huge tool in my recovery.
I don't know what your relationship with your husband is like, but please tell him or a family member you feel safe sharing with that you are not feeling well and that you are struggling right now. Self harm is nothing to play around with, but I am sure you know that already.
We are all here for you, and even if your husband doesn't understand we all do. Keep doing whatever you feel you need to do to continue on a strong true recovery. Would your husband be willing to go to open meetings or maybe you can go to meetings where there are al-non or other family meetings going on at the same time. Can't your husband bring a book with him to read while you are at a meeting? Or a puzzle book? Or have a friend he can bring for company or call while he is waiting for you? It is hard when our family members aren't supportive, but please don't let anyone bring you down, make you feel unworthy or that you should hurt yourself. No one is worth that, I promise you.
Earth Child
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Posts: 2,004
He will not go to meetings because he says he switches off during them and he says it not for him
he says i havent had problems with drugs in a long time ....he thinks AA and NA Is the same and he said he dont understand why i need to go to meetings when he got all the money so am unlikely to get drink or drugs
as am typing this av changed a aa meeting for a na meeting
i told him am not well
he says i havent had problems with drugs in a long time ....he thinks AA and NA Is the same and he said he dont understand why i need to go to meetings when he got all the money so am unlikely to get drink or drugs
as am typing this av changed a aa meeting for a na meeting
i told him am not well
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Ellicott City, MD
Posts: 72
You should reach out to people at meetings and see if any women would be willing to give you rides to meetings. Maybe your husband would drop you off and someone at the meeting could drive you home?
Also, you said your husband is holding the money. Not physically having money never stopped me from getting high or drunk--where there is a will, there's a way.
I suggest putting your sobriety first, before anything or anyone. If you don't have sobriety, eventually you will lose everything including your marriage. I'm not trying to be hurtful, just honest and tell you the truth.
Congratulations on your sobriety and for getting involved in a 12-step fellowship. It saved my life.
Keep fighting<3
Also, you said your husband is holding the money. Not physically having money never stopped me from getting high or drunk--where there is a will, there's a way.
I suggest putting your sobriety first, before anything or anyone. If you don't have sobriety, eventually you will lose everything including your marriage. I'm not trying to be hurtful, just honest and tell you the truth.
Congratulations on your sobriety and for getting involved in a 12-step fellowship. It saved my life.
Keep fighting<3
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Lily I am sorry you are struggling and not feeling well at the moment.
You have frequently referred to your husband as your carer and said you are unable to go anywhere without him. From what you have explained here recently and also in your past times here with different usernames, your situation is quite sensitive. That said, your husband has needs as well. From what you have explained of him it is clear he loves you dearly. However, being in near constant service to another person- even out of love- can be tiring. **do not read this wrong Lily, I am not saying you are a weight or that he does not want to do these things** It may just be that he is tired and adding on another task is too much for him.
Could a possible compromise be that he takes you to AA and you call some other women in recovery to give accompany you to the NA meetings? I know if someone in recovery called me for such a favour I would be more than happy to help.
Lily, again, it is clear your husband loves you, is proud of you and wants you to be better. We are proud of you and want you to be better too. Good for you for reaching out and adding more meetings to strengthen your recovery plan.
We are here anytime you need us Lily. Sending you a big hug.
You have frequently referred to your husband as your carer and said you are unable to go anywhere without him. From what you have explained here recently and also in your past times here with different usernames, your situation is quite sensitive. That said, your husband has needs as well. From what you have explained of him it is clear he loves you dearly. However, being in near constant service to another person- even out of love- can be tiring. **do not read this wrong Lily, I am not saying you are a weight or that he does not want to do these things** It may just be that he is tired and adding on another task is too much for him.
Could a possible compromise be that he takes you to AA and you call some other women in recovery to give accompany you to the NA meetings? I know if someone in recovery called me for such a favour I would be more than happy to help.
Lily, again, it is clear your husband loves you, is proud of you and wants you to be better. We are proud of you and want you to be better too. Good for you for reaching out and adding more meetings to strengthen your recovery plan.
We are here anytime you need us Lily. Sending you a big hug.
Earth Child
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Posts: 2,004
thank you all for replying
I had a bad night last night and i didnt make the NA group this morning
i asked my husband if carering for me too much for him he said no
he says he loves me and wants to look after me
I dont know anyone from Na it will be the first time av been there for a very long time
I told my husband ill go on NA chat rooms and Go to AA meeting
am sick of fighting all the time ...so i made a compromise
we have church tonight at 6pm my husband is coming with me
want to talk to a woman at the church but am not sure if she goes to the 6pm service
she at my womens group on a thursday but its a long time until then
my sister was meant to come to church with us but she is ill
i cant ask my sister to come to a meeting with me she not that well herself mentally
my whole family are messed up
thank you all for your support it means a lot
I had a bad night last night and i didnt make the NA group this morning
i asked my husband if carering for me too much for him he said no
he says he loves me and wants to look after me
I dont know anyone from Na it will be the first time av been there for a very long time
I told my husband ill go on NA chat rooms and Go to AA meeting
am sick of fighting all the time ...so i made a compromise
we have church tonight at 6pm my husband is coming with me
want to talk to a woman at the church but am not sure if she goes to the 6pm service
she at my womens group on a thursday but its a long time until then
my sister was meant to come to church with us but she is ill
i cant ask my sister to come to a meeting with me she not that well herself mentally
my whole family are messed up
thank you all for your support it means a lot
Earth Child
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Posts: 2,004
we cant afford to do that
money is tight i have a disability benefit review at the moment if we dont get the benefit we are ******* for money as we will also lose the carers benenit that my husband gets for looking after me so he will need to get a job id need to get a job and there is no way i can cope with working ...unsure when they will get back to us about it at the moment we are in limbo with it
I can appeal it but we will get no money in that time
we are short of money as well at the moment my husband been trying to save up for going down to oxford to see his family we cant afford to go this year
My MIL must hate me for being in Scotland and taking my husband away from her
Sorry am a pain in the butt
money is tight i have a disability benefit review at the moment if we dont get the benefit we are ******* for money as we will also lose the carers benenit that my husband gets for looking after me so he will need to get a job id need to get a job and there is no way i can cope with working ...unsure when they will get back to us about it at the moment we are in limbo with it
I can appeal it but we will get no money in that time
we are short of money as well at the moment my husband been trying to save up for going down to oxford to see his family we cant afford to go this year
My MIL must hate me for being in Scotland and taking my husband away from her
Sorry am a pain in the butt
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
You're not a pain in the butt. I just didn't understand your circumstances. And if money's tight then taxis would be an unaffordable luxury.
Does your husband understand what the 12-step work and meetings does for us? My OH can't get it at all really, BUT he does see that I'm happier (and easier you live with) when I'm doing it.
Does your husband understand what the 12-step work and meetings does for us? My OH can't get it at all really, BUT he does see that I'm happier (and easier you live with) when I'm doing it.
Earth Child
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Posts: 2,004
my husband dont really understand why i need to go to meeting if i have been sober for a while ...i dont know much about 12 step program av never had a sponsor and av never worked the steps av been going in and out AA for years only going for a short time and then stop going because i get paranoid and think that everyone hates me because i cant remember names and who did what
i hate talking in front of a group and when i do talk i make no sense at all
i hate talking in front of a group and when i do talk i make no sense at all
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Maybe it's time to try working the whole package and see if those promises come true for you like they do for so many others. One things for sure, nothing changes if nothing changes. Meetings alone aren't the program of recovery. They're useful, but if we want results then we have to put the work in.
If anything helped me with my fear and anxiety it was the steps. X
If anything helped me with my fear and anxiety it was the steps. X
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by lily76 
...better off for everyone if am not here
Please believe me -- the world is a (better place) with you right here in it.
Sometimes life and ones around us can be rough.
But, with a little time down the sober road things usually look much better.
Congratulations on your wanting to stay sober and attend meetings.
MB
Earth Child
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Posts: 2,004
AAAAHH my nephew asking for money when we havent got any and its probably going to go on weed 
WTF is with my family all they seem to want is money from us
we are not a bloody bank
the only family that dont ask for money is my mum , my oldest nicece and my younger nieces ( there teens ) ( i have 4 nieces and one nephew )
my sister asks we gave her money a year ago for to get a flat she didnt stay there and then moved out its was a lot of money my husband got from his granddad who died and left it in his will to him
we got things we needed for that money and we could have still have if we never gave it to her we are needing a new freezer but we dont have the money we need a new bed as well my second oldist nicece ask for money but she has my great niece who is only 6 months old so we give our last to her and now this with my nephew
so ******** sick of this
Sorry for the rant
thank you all for replying to me
my head is ****** because of all this
WTF is with my family all they seem to want is money from us
we are not a bloody bank
the only family that dont ask for money is my mum , my oldest nicece and my younger nieces ( there teens ) ( i have 4 nieces and one nephew )
my sister asks we gave her money a year ago for to get a flat she didnt stay there and then moved out its was a lot of money my husband got from his granddad who died and left it in his will to him
we got things we needed for that money and we could have still have if we never gave it to her we are needing a new freezer but we dont have the money we need a new bed as well my second oldist nicece ask for money but she has my great niece who is only 6 months old so we give our last to her and now this with my nephew
so ******** sick of this
Sorry for the rant
thank you all for replying to me
my head is ****** because of all this
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Lily, I have been reading your posts and they break my heart. I just want to chime in and say I support you 100% and hope you can take steps to be happy....soon. Everyone, at the very least, deserves to be happy. You are a good person and don't forget that. Listen to what people have to say on this site, they are very smart and many have been where you are.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
My only advice for dealing with the family asking for money is maybe you and your husband can come to a decision that no matter who asks for money and no matter what the reason they give that the answer is always going to be no. While that might seem harsh, really you need to make sure you have what you need and that is the way of life. Sure, it can feel good to be able to help family members, but if you do not have the means to then there is nothing to feel bad or guilty about. Never mind the fact that from what you said your family isn't appreciating the money that you give them or using it responsibly either.
I hope that the limbo ends soon and that they find in your favor. I am not sure how things run in Scotland but anywhere it is a really hard and frustrating experience when you need benefits and basically have to fight and prove medical information to get what you need.
I hope that the limbo ends soon and that they find in your favor. I am not sure how things run in Scotland but anywhere it is a really hard and frustrating experience when you need benefits and basically have to fight and prove medical information to get what you need.
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