Boyfriend suddenly ended relationship.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4
Boyfriend suddenly ended relationship.
Hello all
I am in a lot of pain and hurt right now and cannot take comfort from typical relationship articles or from most of my close friends or family because I do not want to expose my boyfriend's addiction to everyone.
I have never been addicted nor have I been with an addict before. To make a long story short, I met a great guy after a few years of being single. He was very family and work focused and so loving to me and my son. I enjoyed social drinking and partying much more than he did, but when we got serious I was more inclined to stay home with him, doing family activities and enjoying each other's company.
After a few months, it got to where we were spending every night together after work and we had a very low drama and sweet relationship. I then came to realise that he had had MAJOR drug addiction problems when he was younger...everything from coke to meth to pills. He barely even drank so I really thought he had left it behind. Plus, that was nearly a decade ago.
He then revealed to me that he has been on suboxene for five years and had never been able to get off. The only reason he told me is because his supplier was recently incarcerated and he was waiting for withdrawals to hit. We had a very active sex life, and he told me because he knew he would soon have no sex drive at all. I also found out he was taken oral steroid pills (Winnie I think).
Anyway we had a few months of him being totally exhausted and rhen finding a strip somewhere and getting back to normal. He was in a panic over finding sub. He had only been cutting tiny tiny pieces off an 8mg strip for years so it was hard for me to see why such a tiny dose would make him so crazy.
Finally about a month ago he stopped for good. He made no more attempts to get it and committed to the withdrawal process. It was kind of rough but we did ok together and things were mostly normal. The physical symptoms were not nearly as intense as he had assumed they would be.
About a week or two ago he grew COLD to me overnight. We met and had a talk and he cried and said he wishes he was still on subs and that his brain was Fried. He said he did not want to break up and then took a very stressful second job that would require him to work a lot of manual labour with no off days.
He had a few destructive nights out with excessive alcohol consumption (very out of character). He kept doing a pull and push wirh me then finally just dropped off the earth all together. I confronted him one last time. He couldn't give a straight answer if we were broken up or not and then couldn't understand why I was upset when he said we were just friends. This was last night. I received no straight answers at all from him. I made the decision to take all of my clothes and shoes from house and then he was upset that I was doing that and asked me to leave some there !!!!
I tried to define what kind of space he needed but he was unable. It is SO HARD for me to wrap my brain around how someone can love me so much one day and ignore me indefinately the next. I understand that it's now on me to walk away. It just hurts so much. I want someone here to tell me this is brief and temporary and just the sub withdrawal but I know that's probably not reality. I just want some support and insight from anyone here that can give it I cannot have any semblance of a normal talk with him now that he's in this state.
I am in a lot of pain and hurt right now and cannot take comfort from typical relationship articles or from most of my close friends or family because I do not want to expose my boyfriend's addiction to everyone.
I have never been addicted nor have I been with an addict before. To make a long story short, I met a great guy after a few years of being single. He was very family and work focused and so loving to me and my son. I enjoyed social drinking and partying much more than he did, but when we got serious I was more inclined to stay home with him, doing family activities and enjoying each other's company.
After a few months, it got to where we were spending every night together after work and we had a very low drama and sweet relationship. I then came to realise that he had had MAJOR drug addiction problems when he was younger...everything from coke to meth to pills. He barely even drank so I really thought he had left it behind. Plus, that was nearly a decade ago.
He then revealed to me that he has been on suboxene for five years and had never been able to get off. The only reason he told me is because his supplier was recently incarcerated and he was waiting for withdrawals to hit. We had a very active sex life, and he told me because he knew he would soon have no sex drive at all. I also found out he was taken oral steroid pills (Winnie I think).
Anyway we had a few months of him being totally exhausted and rhen finding a strip somewhere and getting back to normal. He was in a panic over finding sub. He had only been cutting tiny tiny pieces off an 8mg strip for years so it was hard for me to see why such a tiny dose would make him so crazy.
Finally about a month ago he stopped for good. He made no more attempts to get it and committed to the withdrawal process. It was kind of rough but we did ok together and things were mostly normal. The physical symptoms were not nearly as intense as he had assumed they would be.
About a week or two ago he grew COLD to me overnight. We met and had a talk and he cried and said he wishes he was still on subs and that his brain was Fried. He said he did not want to break up and then took a very stressful second job that would require him to work a lot of manual labour with no off days.
He had a few destructive nights out with excessive alcohol consumption (very out of character). He kept doing a pull and push wirh me then finally just dropped off the earth all together. I confronted him one last time. He couldn't give a straight answer if we were broken up or not and then couldn't understand why I was upset when he said we were just friends. This was last night. I received no straight answers at all from him. I made the decision to take all of my clothes and shoes from house and then he was upset that I was doing that and asked me to leave some there !!!!
I tried to define what kind of space he needed but he was unable. It is SO HARD for me to wrap my brain around how someone can love me so much one day and ignore me indefinately the next. I understand that it's now on me to walk away. It just hurts so much. I want someone here to tell me this is brief and temporary and just the sub withdrawal but I know that's probably not reality. I just want some support and insight from anyone here that can give it I cannot have any semblance of a normal talk with him now that he's in this state.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
LACitrus,
Weekends are kind of slow here, but I'm sure there will be other people who have been in similar situations who can chime in with better advice than I can ever provide. However, what I CAN say to you is expecting rational and logical thought from somebody who is battling addiction without appropriate help is utterly futile.
One member, zoso77 (who is One of the Many Wise Ones here), said recently that abstaining from drugs is very different from actually being sober. My sister swears up and down that she's no longer smoking weed, and I want so hard to believe that it's true. But even if it was true, she still exhibits the personality traits of one who is still addicted, and so I have to deal with her accordingly.
If you don't directly address the reasons why you ended up in the throes of addiction, you are still very much in trouble. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend did that work.
It's not out of character if you've spent your life using drugs to escape reality.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
Weekends are kind of slow here, but I'm sure there will be other people who have been in similar situations who can chime in with better advice than I can ever provide. However, what I CAN say to you is expecting rational and logical thought from somebody who is battling addiction without appropriate help is utterly futile.
He made no more attempts to get it and committed to the withdrawal process.
If you don't directly address the reasons why you ended up in the throes of addiction, you are still very much in trouble. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend did that work.
He had a few destructive nights out with excessive alcohol consumption (very out of character).
I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
One member, zoso77 (who is One of the Many Wise Ones here), said recently that abstaining from drugs is very different from actually being sober.
LACitrus...Welcome to the Board. I'm really sorry for what has brought you to us, but thankful you did find us. I don't believe there's anything I can say to alleviate your heartache, but I believe I can fill in the gaps of your knowledge.
See, what you experienced with your AXBF was while he was under the influence. And as such, he was in a state of altered consciousness. None of us, including him, knows who the real him is once you take away narcotics and alcohol. It's the kind of state where someone can turn on a dime; one minute, he's fully invested in you, and the next, he's gone. It makes no sense to you, I know, but that's because you're trying to view his behavior through the prism of mature, normal, healthy adult behavior.
And you can't.
The thing that's so brutal about opioid addiction is they permanently alter the brain chemistry of the user. The brain remembers all too well the bliss of being under the influence. So when that's taken away, the brain freaks out, and all the emotions that were suppressed while under the influence come back at Warp 9 and feel like they're cranked to 11. Even after a person detoxes, if that person is having a hard time, the brain's going, We can make this go away. You know how. So my guess is your AXBF is doing something he shouldn't be doing.
And if he is, you can't be a part of that. It will drag you down so far, you wouldn't know what to do. So, yes, what you're feeling right now is awful, perhaps even unbearable. But it is nothing compared to what you'd be going through if he's gone off the rails. Emotional pain sucks, but it won't kill us.
So...take it easy. Read as many posts as you can. We have scores and scores of women who've been in similar spots as you, and they'll pipe up soon. When they do, pay close attention to what they say. Whether you believe this or not, you're going to be OK. Just give yourself some time and space for you. Mourning and grieving is normal. Allow it to run its course.
You'll be fine, kid. Trust me. Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4
Zoszo,
Your post is the only thing that has truly given me any clarification. Thank you so so much for taking the time to write that to me .
I think I have been minimizing his addiction this entire time. He functions normally, he works, he spends quiet nights in doing mundane things.....it was hard for me to LOOK at him as an addict. Even when I knew about his past. I figured that the past was just the past. I thought oh well he used to snort meth but that was ten years ago.
The first time he was without his subs he laid on the couch all day, barely interacting. I thought to myself....Wtf am I doing. I had never seen him like that. I left him at his house and returned a few hours later. He was scrambling for cash, his energy returned, and throwing on clothes in a frenzy. He had found someone somehow who could sell him one strip. He said "why are you looking at me like I'm a crackhead" I wanted to sat "because you truly are and I had no idea!!!!" But I said nothing.
Two weeks off subs he thanked me and professed so much love and gratitude for me supporting him. He has never gone to a Dr to possibly get on some meds to help (like clonidjne as his bp is elevated) he has never opened up as to why he so severely addicted. He talks about the rock bottom of addiction but NEVER why he was on that path. He never disclosed to me the source of his pain. I don't feel lIke he will even disclose it to himself. When he thanked me, I felt lIke the ordeal was over and I was so happy to move forward with him. Now I see that he may not even be moving forward at all. This really may stay on a nasty downward spiral.
Anyway I am just penning some thoughts. This hasn't been easy. I felt so unloved and rejected and really just missed him. But I cannot look at it like that given the context of his addiction.
Your post is the only thing that has truly given me any clarification. Thank you so so much for taking the time to write that to me .
I think I have been minimizing his addiction this entire time. He functions normally, he works, he spends quiet nights in doing mundane things.....it was hard for me to LOOK at him as an addict. Even when I knew about his past. I figured that the past was just the past. I thought oh well he used to snort meth but that was ten years ago.
The first time he was without his subs he laid on the couch all day, barely interacting. I thought to myself....Wtf am I doing. I had never seen him like that. I left him at his house and returned a few hours later. He was scrambling for cash, his energy returned, and throwing on clothes in a frenzy. He had found someone somehow who could sell him one strip. He said "why are you looking at me like I'm a crackhead" I wanted to sat "because you truly are and I had no idea!!!!" But I said nothing.
Two weeks off subs he thanked me and professed so much love and gratitude for me supporting him. He has never gone to a Dr to possibly get on some meds to help (like clonidjne as his bp is elevated) he has never opened up as to why he so severely addicted. He talks about the rock bottom of addiction but NEVER why he was on that path. He never disclosed to me the source of his pain. I don't feel lIke he will even disclose it to himself. When he thanked me, I felt lIke the ordeal was over and I was so happy to move forward with him. Now I see that he may not even be moving forward at all. This really may stay on a nasty downward spiral.
Anyway I am just penning some thoughts. This hasn't been easy. I felt so unloved and rejected and really just missed him. But I cannot look at it like that given the context of his addiction.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I felt so unloved and rejected and really just missed him. But I cannot look at it like that given the context of his addiction.
So you've got your freedom. And there's a couple of ways you can look at this. The first way is to do some self evaluation and see if there's anything to be learned from this...and then move on. The second way is to remain stuck and not really let go of him. My hope is you'll choose the first way, and allow your heart and your soul to mend a little bit each day.
Be safe.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Zoso...thank you also for your words as they clarify things for me as well. I feel ignorant for not realizing how easy it is to relapse and thinking my husband was in the clear. LAcitrus...I feel like we have a lot in common and I don't really have any words of wisdom for you like I know so many others on this site do...because I'm in the throws of everything now and looking for advice myself. I have found some great advice through this site and it's helped me a lot. I never believed I could be dealing with an addicted husband and thought all of that was left in his past even though so many signs were right in front of my face. I moved out of our home with our two kids and have been out for 9 weeks. It's amazing how being out of the situation gives you the opportunity to look in to what once was your life and say wow OMG all the signs were there and I was so blind. When I left I knew that things were going to start unraveling and I wasn't sure if it was going to be a small onion or a huge one...and every day I keep finding out more and more things and layers to his addiction. I honestly don't know who my husband is and how many things I was lied to about. I knew he was addicted to suboxone for years and he still can't seem to get off of it...even after I found him a psychiatrist to help him with the detox. I gave him an ultimatum the day I Left which was detox and rehab or I'm done. Here we are 9 weeks later and after every excuse in the book he still hasn't gone. I'm learning to leave him alone and let him live the life he wants and continue on with mine. My children need a stable environment and I will make sure they have that no matter what it takes.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by LACitrus 
Zoszo,
Your post is the only thing that has truly given me any clarification. Thank you so so much for taking the time to write that to me .
I think I have been minimizing his addiction this entire time. He functions normally, he works, he spends quiet nights in doing mundane things.....it was hard for me to LOOK at him as an addict. Even when I knew about his past. I figured that the past was just the past. I thought oh well he used to snort meth but that was ten years ago.
The first time he was without his subs he laid on the couch all day, barely interacting. I thought to myself....Wtf am I doing. I had never seen him like that. I left him at his house and returned a few hours later. He was scrambling for cash, his energy returned, and throwing on clothes in a frenzy. He had found someone somehow who could sell him one strip. He said "why are you looking at me like I'm a crackhead" I wanted to sat "because you truly are and I had no idea!!!!" But I said nothing.
Two weeks off subs he thanked me and professed so much love and gratitude for me supporting him. He has never gone to a Dr to possibly get on some meds to help (like clonidjne as his bp is elevated) he has never opened up as to why he so severely addicted. He talks about the rock bottom of addiction but NEVER why he was on that path. He never disclosed to me the source of his pain. I don't feel lIke he will even disclose it to himself. When he thanked me, I felt lIke the ordeal was over and I was so happy to move forward with him. Now I see that he may not even be moving forward at all. This really may stay on a nasty downward spiral.
Anyway I am just penning some thoughts. This hasn't been easy. I felt so unloved and rejected and really just missed him. But I cannot look at it like that given the context of his addiction.
Your post is the only thing that has truly given me any clarification. Thank you so so much for taking the time to write that to me .
I think I have been minimizing his addiction this entire time. He functions normally, he works, he spends quiet nights in doing mundane things.....it was hard for me to LOOK at him as an addict. Even when I knew about his past. I figured that the past was just the past. I thought oh well he used to snort meth but that was ten years ago.
The first time he was without his subs he laid on the couch all day, barely interacting. I thought to myself....Wtf am I doing. I had never seen him like that. I left him at his house and returned a few hours later. He was scrambling for cash, his energy returned, and throwing on clothes in a frenzy. He had found someone somehow who could sell him one strip. He said "why are you looking at me like I'm a crackhead" I wanted to sat "because you truly are and I had no idea!!!!" But I said nothing.
Two weeks off subs he thanked me and professed so much love and gratitude for me supporting him. He has never gone to a Dr to possibly get on some meds to help (like clonidjne as his bp is elevated) he has never opened up as to why he so severely addicted. He talks about the rock bottom of addiction but NEVER why he was on that path. He never disclosed to me the source of his pain. I don't feel lIke he will even disclose it to himself. When he thanked me, I felt lIke the ordeal was over and I was so happy to move forward with him. Now I see that he may not even be moving forward at all. This really may stay on a nasty downward spiral.
Anyway I am just penning some thoughts. This hasn't been easy. I felt so unloved and rejected and really just missed him. But I cannot look at it like that given the context of his addiction.
My ex detoxed off sub in rehab (along with heroin), only to start using it all again as soon as he got home. I know it hurts and it is HARD now, but trust me, you will be so much better off and your child too without this horror. Opioid addiction is VERY hard to beat, you are not married to him, no kids together, RUN like h*ll and never look back.
p.s. 6 years with my soon to ex husband (opioids). Nothing but horror
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4
Glitterdeva,
Thanks I am seeing the light. Before I found out about the subs, I didn't even really know what it was other than a prescription. He started it under medical supervison to detox off pills (snorted) five years ago. I think he had literally done any kind of drug for five years prior to that while in his 20s.
I never saw the addict behaviour until he stopped hiding it. I got him some ibuprofen to take to help with the initial Body aches and it was like he had no self control even over THAT. (Despite me telling him he would give himself a bleeding ulcer).
Sub is so weird because reading about the detox makes it seem ljke a never ending battle.
Every day feels better and brings me more clarity. I don't have a codependent personality (I don't think anyway)but break ups hurt me as much as the next girl. This is a path I don't want to be on !!!!! I thought he'd quit the little pieces of subs and just close thst chapter of his life, but now I'm thinking there was a high probability that I was delusional and he will be back at something again. Especially because I don't see him truly putting in any work.
Thanks I am seeing the light. Before I found out about the subs, I didn't even really know what it was other than a prescription. He started it under medical supervison to detox off pills (snorted) five years ago. I think he had literally done any kind of drug for five years prior to that while in his 20s.
I never saw the addict behaviour until he stopped hiding it. I got him some ibuprofen to take to help with the initial Body aches and it was like he had no self control even over THAT. (Despite me telling him he would give himself a bleeding ulcer).
Sub is so weird because reading about the detox makes it seem ljke a never ending battle.
Every day feels better and brings me more clarity. I don't have a codependent personality (I don't think anyway)but break ups hurt me as much as the next girl. This is a path I don't want to be on !!!!! I thought he'd quit the little pieces of subs and just close thst chapter of his life, but now I'm thinking there was a high probability that I was delusional and he will be back at something again. Especially because I don't see him truly putting in any work.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4
This board has helped a lot. Because I have only been seeing him as a man I loved and enjoyed and not as an addict. I was ignoring all of the things that could potentially happen because of that one major detail.
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