vulturine

I basically can't find anything I left the house with yesterday, and I have a box of apple juice with no straw in my bag for some reason (the hell did I get this?). My wallet and half my cell phone are gone. For some reason I have the back cover and battery of the phone, but the rest is missing!

I woke up in bed, but I have no memory of what happened yesterday.

Why do I do this to myself? : ( That's the 8th cell phone I've lost because I was an intoxicated idiot. Now I have to pay around $1300 for a new cell phone because I have an account balance, but I can't pay for anything because my credit and debit cards were all in the missing wallet.

Meraviglioso

That sounds rough, I am sorry for you. How are you feeling physically, mentally? Blackouts are so incredibly scary and I felt very fortunate every time I woke up and nothing too terrible seemed to have happened to me.

What do you plan to do moving forward? It sounds like you don't want to live this way. What can you do to make sure this is the last time?

vulturine

I went to rehab yesterday too. It's useless. The next stop after rehab was the liquor store. I hate this life.

vulturine

Still vomiting blood apparently. It isn't a lot, maybe a tablespoon or two. It's been going on for a while though. Whatever is causing the bleeding never heals.

ulfr

please go to the A and E ( ER) Its not a good sign vomiting blood no matter how big or small it is
please get help

Soberwolf

Go Straight to ER your haphazard ways are going to keep on spiralling if your vomiting blood go straight to the ER now no if no buts no maybes

Please try to take care of yourself

trachemys

If you're drinking heavy and taking a lot of NSAIDS your stomach will bleed. You need to go to the ER.

ScottFromWI

I think it's clear you need to be in an inpatient rehab for a while vulturine, you've lost the ability to take care of basic daily necessities. Please go to urgent care or call an ambulance.

FreeOwl

I really think it sounds like inpatient would be a good next step.

Life doesn't have to be like this.

Melina

Good morning, if you have little tears in your esophagus you can bleed to death. They rip and don't heal.

I'm not trying to diagnosis you but I do want to tell you it's so serious. Not knowing is serious enough.

A lot of harm could have come to you last night. The phone and money problems are the best case scenario of all the things that could have happened.

I'm so glad you're home and able to post. Please please please consider going for help right now.

I wish you the very best. You will look at things differently after some sober time, and you'll hold on to your sobriety and cherish it, I hope. It's so much better than the chaos and danger you're living in, I promise you.

Lots of hugs, please keep us posted.

Xoxo

Ariesagain

I know there have been times in my life, especially when I was your age, that dying seemed easier. I thought it would be like going to sleep without having to wake up.

Now that I'm old enough to have seen death in reality, it isn't like the movies, where you just gently fade away, romantically pale but in full makeup and looking ethereally lovely, while people around you weep.

Death is painful and ugly and death from liver failure is more so. People turn into bright yellow skeletons and slowly starve while they puke up their blood supply, suffering terribly for weeks or months. Or they have strokes and are partially paralyzed and trapped in a hospital bed running up massive debt until they finally die. Or maybe you'll have seizures first...

Yes, I'm trying to scare you because you are making a choice but I feel the need to try to help you fully understand the choice you may be making.

What if...you live and in a few years have a lovely home, a great husband, and a baby on the way?

What if...you live and have a wonderful career helping people who have been where you are?

What if...you discover that life has a million possibilities and that you have choices and the power to make them?

You're too young to give up. Please get yourself to inpatient.

maimaitreya

Go see a doc now. ER, a walk in, whatever but do it now.

Wastinglife

Your day sounds familiar to me. A few weeks ago I was at an outpatient relapse prevention meeting at the CAMH centre on Queen St and went straight to a bar after. That set me off on a week long binge which had me in the ER. I was dehydrated and urinating blood, vomiting. I am 15 days sober now cuz I joined AA despite my misgivings. Have you tried AA yet? Tons of meetings in Toronto

I've lost my phone and wallet multiple times too. 3 iPhones, an android, and a blackberry in a 3 year span. First thing you can do is go to a bank branch and get a new debit card. I was able to do it even without ID. then I went to bell Mobility and got a loaner phone until a new one was shipped. I've done this routine so many times. It's madness.

vulturine

AA won't work for me. I don't believe addiction is a spiritual problem.

I became dysfunctional over a year ago. Now I'm dealing with consequences. It isn't pretty.

Hawkeye13

I'm sorry you are hurting.
I'm not an AA person either, so I made my own recovery plan.

What kinds of things are you doing to get out of this dysfunctional cycle?
It sounds like you are running out of time physically--
I was also passing blood (both directions) when I finally quit at my worst.

It took awhile for my head to clear, but things are much better with
some real sober time--long enough to start an upward cycle
physically and even more importantly mentally--

What's the longest stretch you've managed to put together vulturine?

saoutchik

vulturine - I think you should get along to a hospital to get that bleeding seen to. Better safe than sorry

entropy1964

I'm glad you are ok. Don't give up!

Edited to add. I didn't read the whole thread before I posted this. Pls take the direction that is being given. You are smart young lady. You know what you need to do.

Nonsensical

So we've identified there is a problem and and some of the things you don't think will work.

What are some of the things you are going to try next? What's you plan?

ScottFromWI

Regardless of what you believe, you are in need of medical attention. I hope you can seek it before it's too late.

soberclover

So glad my life isn't that type of trainwreck anymore. I"m feelin for you. Sounds like you might need to wrap your mind around getting some professional medical attention. Let others help you; you deserve it. Life doesn't have to continue this way.