BaldDaddyO

I was a heavy drinker for 25+ years. Cocktails followed by a bottle of wine every night. Due to the influence of the girl of my dreams, I awakened one morning and quit drinking, smoking (cigarettes & pot), and unintentionally stopped drinking coffee as well. I am a 47 year old male in excellent shape. I play tons of sports.

I experienced all of the usual withdrawal symptoms in the first week. It was tough but doable. Currently, I have never felt better. I have gotten in touch with my feelings and emotions, and realized that I hadn't finished mourning the death of a couple of family members 25 years ago. I am all good now with the exception of some insomnia still lingering, and two other side effects.

1. A sweet tooth- I crave ice cream and chocolate, but it has not effected my weight because I exercise and I don't have all of those empty alcohol calories. No biggie. Along the lines of no biggie comes the second side effect.

2. This one is very concerning and I can't find it anywhere on the internet! Since quitting, my sexual performance has been lacking. It is not easy for a man to say this, but my erections are weak, and they don't last long during intercourse or masturbation. It is crazy! I have never dealt with this before. Will time help? Will I get back to normal? I have been sober for almost 60 days and never plan on drinking again.

Please let me know if anyone else has encountered this symptom and if there is hope.

Thank you!

tufty13

Hey BD, welcome to SR and uber congrats on giving up the booze.

I was a heavy wine drinker and after I gained sobriety my sugar cravings went through the roof. It took a good few months before they subsided but subside they did.

I'm not a gp so whatever I say regarding your man troubles should be taken with a pinch of salty but I would have thought they are linked to an emotional issue rather than a physical one. If he wanted to play before you quit booze there's surely no physical reason he doesn't want to play now.

Take the blue pill until your confidence comes back and your head doesn't get in the way anymore?

Good luck, it's nice to meet you. :-)

BaldDaddyO

@Tufty13- Thank you for your reply. Being that I am completely drug free, I am hesitant to put anything in my body that isn't natural, but it is nice to know that the little blue pill is always an option. I have read a lot about how the body's chemical makeup changes drastically, and I am hoping this has something to do with it. Here's to hoping that similar to the rest of the body, this will heal itself in 3-6 months.

uncorked

Hey BaldDaddyO, I'm a woman so I can't speak for men, but my desire dropped too after I stopped drinking. (Or maybe it's because there's no man in my life!) And the sweet tooth, omg. I'm almost 8 months sober and it's still annoying me to no end. Instead of wine, I crave ice cream.

BaldDaddyO

@uncorked, I love your screen name, and thanks for the reply. I have brownies in the oven and ice cream in the freezer...good luck and way to go on 8 months!

blueberry2015

My desire as woman is practically non existent at the moment. Husband is wondering why, even thought I had a fella at AA ..... er no. I told the husband to give me time, huge life changes are at foot here. I guess sex isnt that important to me right now.

blueberry2015

Oh and I too have a huge sweet tooth too, biscuits and tea is my sin at the moment but hey its keeping me sober!

BaldDaddyO

Thanks BlueBerry. Yes, huge life changes are at foot here. I am praying that giving it time will help and get my body back to normal. Good luck to you!

Sigrun

Not a doctor here, but if I were to make an educated guess, I'd say your body is still recovering/balancing out hormonally. Both alcohol and caffeine affect blood flow and arousal (so does sugar, btw) and at the most cell turnover is 8 years, so to get to a place physically where you are living and breathing this new lifestyle of yours with every single cell, you'd have to wait 8 years.
But I'm thinking that given the different turnover rates in different types of cells in the human body, 6 months to a year would be a good time period to wait before getting concerned?

shockozulu

BlueB, Ice Coffee with chocolate powder is currently my drug of choice.

BaldDaddyO

Thank you, Sigrun! This is along the lines of what I am really hoping for, and so is my girlfriend. She is the one who inspired me to quit, so I guess it's a double edged sword (so to speak) for her. I appreciate your educated guess and reply.

It surprises me that there isn't more information about body chemical changes after sobriety on line. Or maybe I am just not looking in the right place.

1newcreation

Welcome BDO! I can identify w/ the sweet tooth issue coz in my 1st yr drank lots of coffee w/ lots of sugar, eating lots of candy etc but that goes w/ the territory coz alc metablolizes into sugar in blood stream. But don't be too concerned coz will wear off in time plus as noted your in good shape. But pls don't try to stay sober alone coz just when think "have it in control" some life circumstance either good or bad will drive you back to the bottle. AA has worked perfectly for me so why not try it coz there's nothing to loose but sanity in the end! Best wishes my friend

Sigrun

You're welcome.

You know, it's probably one of those things where research isn't done because long term studies would be hard to do and there's very little money to be made? Plus the amount of people who quit alcohol AND caffeine is probably miniscule.

FreeOwl

Yep. Been there. It can be confusing and frustrating and feel awful.

Our bodies got abused and our minds did, too. Sexual response is a complex interaction of physical, mental and emotional factors.

What I did was go to my doctor for a physical to rule out any significant health issues. Shared my concerns and experiences openly. Shared also with my Lady- because support and understanding is key. It can turn into a downward spiral.

Remember thathat you're a human, not a machine. It will come and go. Focus on your whole sobriety. Sometimes when we stop drinking we begin to realize that beneath the drinking lay depression, self doubt, anxiety that we had been 'treating' for years. These things interfere with our lives and play hell with sexual response.

It's important to know you're not alone. You're not broken. Your worth is not contained in your sexual performance.

The best thing you can do is talk about it, acknowledge it and your concern - but then remind yourself this happens to everyone and not obsess over it.

For me, in time, it eased. Seasonal issues seemed to compound things. But just a feshort months ago I had been struggling similarly once again..... and now there is no problem at all!

As we age, the patterns of our bodies also change. The roaring libido we came to believe we'd always have evolves into something else. All of this is OK. It's normal. It's life.

Your sex life isn't over and this isn't going to last forever.

Try to relax, have patience, have faith, don't let it get into your head or erode your self worth. It's going to be OK.

BaldDaddyO

FreeOwl, Thank you so much! That is exactly the reply I was hoping to get. I have tried researching this and there is very limited information.

Yes, it is completely frustrating for me and my girl and I most certainly did abuse my body. It would be difficult for me to recall a time I had sex without being at least buzzed or fresh off of a bender. I am physically fit, went to the doctor, and I am trying to not let this snowball mentally which is extremely difficult.

That is some solid advice, thank you! I have only been open about this to a handful of guy friends, and they all said to run for the blue pill, but my girlfriend who is very in touch with just about everything in life, has insisted that I let it take its natural course. I feel more badly for her than for myself. It just seems so unfair, but this will only increase the pressure and as you said lead to a downward spiral.

Hmmm, your point about drinking away depression, self doubt, and anxiety is very interesting, My confidence level is high, however I didn't fully grieve losses of family 25 years ago so depression may have been the cards. I was also in an awful marriage for 18 years which is an entirely different story. I will focus on my sobriety, Having this problem out weighs being a drunk... I think

Thank you very much for taking the time to share your thoughts, experience, and kind words. I'm glad I am not alone and not broken, and I will continue to be open about it.

If you don't mind me asking, do you recall how long it took for your to get things flowing like normal again?

Thank you,
BaldDaddyO

Ariesagain

I'm assuming you were usually having sex while drunk?

Sober, it can take longer to get past all the mental stuff that clutters your brain while you're trying to focus on...other things. Ahem. Booze does have the effect of lowering inhibitions, so until we get used to having sex without it, you can be a little more self-conscious at first.

I'm of the female persuasion, but I can tell you that sober sex is ultimately much better.

One thought...if you're on hypertension meds or haven't had a physical in a while, it would be a good idea to have a check up. Booze does a number in blood pressure, which is pretty important for that activity!

BaldDaddyO

Ariesagain,

Thanks for your reply. You're right, I was usually drunk, and I was with the same woman for 18 years, I decided to go sober after a divorce (had I known that this would have happened, I may have had second thoughts on the timing), but right out of the gates I began a relationship and my buddy decided to take a hiatus!! It is a dream relationship with a bit of a nightmare mixed in...it is very frustrating but luckily my gal is understanding and looking at it as a positive since we have been learning each other in other intimate ways.

I am not on any meds, but I keep hearing to go see a doctor. I will heed that advice.

Thank you!

jryan19982

When did you quit smoking? For some odd reason, I never had any performance issues until I quit smoking. Then for about a month it was hit or miss, mostly miss, and any one thing that didnt go "just right" took me out of action so to speak.

Quitting smoking, pot, and booze? Think about how much those three things changed your brain and body chemically. Id say just give it some more time. If you are really concerned a trip to your DR might be a good next step.

BaldDaddyO

@jryan, Thanks for your note. I quit smoking 61 days ago along with everything else. I have done a bit more research since my original post and I am learning about brain and body chemistry and the effects booze and smoking has on it. I really had no idea...

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

FreeOwl

how long did it take to get flowing to normal again.....

well, there's a tricky question. Because, you see, the truth is that my "normal" where sex was concerned from pretty early on was almost ALWAYS influenced by drugs or alcohol. I came to understand that because of this.... I really never developed a sense of what my own 'normal' really was.

I'd had 'unbelievable' sexual experiences that came from being on drugs, for example. "Mind-blowing", I may have even described it. And the truth is - when two people are engaging in sex while they are in their twenties and also high out of their minds on euphoric drugs - that is not 'normal'. Having sex that is augmented by the dulling of one's arousal and sensation - such that it goes on and on and on.... while feeling confident and over-the-top sensual.... turns out... is not 'normal'.

In actual fact... decades of sexual experiences enhanced or augmented by being drunk or high were not at all 'normal' - but they were what I invariably taught myself to expect as 'normal'.

And so in sobriety I faced a double-challenge; on the one hand my body trying to recalibrate and my mind and emotions on a roller coaster that in itself causes sexual volatility - on the other hand a ridiculously unreasonable expectation of what sexual experiences 'should' be.

I suppose it took me several months to begin to feel I was coming to an understanding of what a new 'normal' might be. Along the way there were ups and downs. There were weeks I felt quietly devastated. I felt perhaps I was impotent. That my years of abuse of drugs and alcohol meant I had ruined my sexual functioning. There were weeks when things were on an upswing, and I had glimpses of how much different and truly wonderful sexual relationships are when one is actually PRESENT in one's true self - body and mind - with a loved one. I began to understand and see how sex really can and 'should' be.... NORMALLY.

In a lot of ways, it was like going back to adolescence and finding my sexual self all over again. Some of my earliest experiences were disappointing and humiliating and confusing. Probably, that's why I leaned toward drugs and alcohol in the first place and began the journey of needing to be in an altered state where it came to sex.

There wasn't any one moment where it all just 'got better'. I visited my doctor and had tests done... checking my Testosterone levels, checking my vitals and my bloodwork and seeing if there was something "wrong" with me. I tried using a SAD light and 5-HTP supplements during winter as my depression seemed to flare up (which DID help)..... there were good days, bad days, in between days.

But the most important thing was that I talked to my Lady about it all along, she was very compassionate and understanding. She has had her own periods of frustration and struggle with sex.... so she understood. She didn't want me to go get a pill and 'fix' the issue with a different kind of drug. She loves me, I love her, we patiently faced the reality that human beings are complex creatures and that sexual experience has a LOT of variables and that neither her or my worth in our relationship hinged on the performance we put forth in bed.

In fact.... I've actually begun to really learn that the whole idea of "performance" is part of the problem. Sensuality, sexuality, isn't a performance. It's not a game to be won or an event to earn points on a scale of value. It's not a measure of our worth or our value. And the more I've really learned and internalized that, the less it's been an issue.

I've still used some things like 5-htp, melatonin, and virility supplements at times - particularly when my mood and emotions were at a low point in the dark days of winter. Those helped a bit to give me some feelings of hope during periods where I was really feeling glum about my libido...... but all in all as I've come to grow and mature and stop hanging unreasonable and augmented expectations on myself - focusing instead on just loving myself and my lady - things have grown and our sexual experiences actually deepened.

How long did it take? It's a journey. But things are on a good track and we've both grown because of it.

Hang in there, keep communicating, keep working on your own self-worth and belief in yourself (it turns out, we can believe we are 'confident' while at the same time being deeply unsettled about ourselves, depressed and anxious inside) - and remember this is a stage of your life. It's not a permanent condition. It's not forever. It's not the rest of your life.

Which actually was another thing that my own struggles helped me realize and face; there is a significant portion of our lives that has nothing to do with sex. Our childhood is spent oblivious to sex. Our elder years in most cases have little sex involved..... and yet somehow our minds (particularly those of us men) try to convince us that SEX is a measure of our selves. By coming to accept that the role sex plays in life isn't nearly as important and grave as our sex-oriented western consumerist society trumps it up to be and that ALL of us must ultimately learn to find love and happiness in relationships without SEX (we all get old.... we all lose virility...) - I was able to relax a little and let go of what had been a pretty adolescent view of sex that I'd held for a long time.

Anyway... best of luck to you. Be patient. It'll all be OK.