Tapering to sobriety...for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 10
Tapering to sobriety...for me.
Hi. This is my first post. I have been reading and reading and reading posts since Thursday night. I have been defeated and have hit a new kind of low.
My story with alcohol starts the day I turned 21. I am 31 now. I got a DUI when was 23. Got it back a year later. I drank my face off from 21 to 27 and was in a terrible relationship with an abusive alcoholic. After he was put in jail for trying to kill me he was ordered to do AA. So, we went together. I worked the steps. He didn't. We broke up, imagine that. I stayed sober for 2 years. Lost 75 ponds and was super fit and active. I then met a boy. He was sweet as could be at first. He had lots and lots of demons and was also in recovery. We got a place together and he started to drink the next day. All of his demons came out. I left him after one week of being in our new house. He stalked me. I changed my number and moved to a different place. I had to go back to where we lived to get the rest of my belongings and I was scared that he would be drunk and irate. So, I brought a bodybuilder that I worked with (I was working at a gym) to keep things in check. Walked in and found a letter addressed to me saying that I was at fault. That I left him all alone. The tv was on upstairs so I headed that way. As I was about to go up the stairs, I looked up and there he was. Hanging. Dead.
That night I opened up a bottle of wine. That was July 16th, 2010.
Fast forward to now. I have an amazing husband and 2 girls. When we first met, we would drink occasionally together but he had no idea how much I drank. I have always been a closet drinker. Anyways, I will skip from then to now. I have been drinking very heavily for the last 6 months. When I say heavily, I mean anywhere from a bottle of vodka a day, or 20 cans of beer, or 2-4 bottles of wine a day. I go in phases with my drink of choice. Vodka is the devil. It's all the devil, but vodka is the worst! These past few weeks I have been drunk around the clock. I would start in the morning around 5:30 (after hiding my puking in one of our bathrooms) and drink a few cans of beer or a bottle of wine just to feel somewhat normal. I would have two bottles of wine down by 9. I did this with my husband in the next room with my kids and he had no idea!!! I am normally a very functional alcoholic. I would pass out in my daughter's room after reading her bedtime stories and wake up around midnight and then be up on and off all night. Last week was seriously pretty much a blackout. On Thursday night I raced home to get a few drinks of wine in before hubby got home and took a sip and ended up puking bright red wine all over the place in front of my toddlers. They were so frightened and wanted to help me and I yelled at them. I then started crying. Hurried to clean up and throw my laundry in the wash. I had a couple more drinks and then went outside to meet hubby and fell down the garage steps in front of my 3 year old and she started bawling. My hubby still didn't know what was going on. I said I tripped. Ugh! That night I cried myself to sleep and knew that I was done. Friday I woke up and decided to taper with beer. It took 4 to calm me down. I monitored my heart rate and as soon as it was over 100 I would drink a beer. It took two beers an hour for the first half of the day. That night I started to have really bad withdrawals and so drank a beer to go back to "sleep." I went through 16 beers on Friday. On Saturday I drank 10. Saturday I had 2. Sunday I had none. Monday none and Tuesday none. None so far today. I am not going to sugar coat it. It was fu*$ing miserable. The sweats, the racing heart. The anxiety. The nightmares. I still haven't had a good night of sleep. But today I finally feel like I have energy. I am hungry and can't stop drinking water.
Best of all, I contacted an old friend from AA and her and I went to a meeting last night. I will be going again tomorrow. I told my husband EVERYTHING. He knows almost all of the horrible things I have been doing. Fortunately, he's there for me and he's a chiropractor and so we have access to tons of awesome supplements and ordered blood work to have a liver panel done.
I know that I am just starting, but I have hope for the first time in a long time. And I am not in the closet anymore!!! I am ready to be the super mom I know I am and I am ready to give my husband all of me, because he deserves it and so do I.
I am so grateful for this forum because it has seriously been HUGE in getting me to day 3! Hopefully I make it to day 4, day 5, day 30, 1 year...Today it's one day at a time.
Sorry this is so long by the way.
My story with alcohol starts the day I turned 21. I am 31 now. I got a DUI when was 23. Got it back a year later. I drank my face off from 21 to 27 and was in a terrible relationship with an abusive alcoholic. After he was put in jail for trying to kill me he was ordered to do AA. So, we went together. I worked the steps. He didn't. We broke up, imagine that. I stayed sober for 2 years. Lost 75 ponds and was super fit and active. I then met a boy. He was sweet as could be at first. He had lots and lots of demons and was also in recovery. We got a place together and he started to drink the next day. All of his demons came out. I left him after one week of being in our new house. He stalked me. I changed my number and moved to a different place. I had to go back to where we lived to get the rest of my belongings and I was scared that he would be drunk and irate. So, I brought a bodybuilder that I worked with (I was working at a gym) to keep things in check. Walked in and found a letter addressed to me saying that I was at fault. That I left him all alone. The tv was on upstairs so I headed that way. As I was about to go up the stairs, I looked up and there he was. Hanging. Dead.
That night I opened up a bottle of wine. That was July 16th, 2010.
Fast forward to now. I have an amazing husband and 2 girls. When we first met, we would drink occasionally together but he had no idea how much I drank. I have always been a closet drinker. Anyways, I will skip from then to now. I have been drinking very heavily for the last 6 months. When I say heavily, I mean anywhere from a bottle of vodka a day, or 20 cans of beer, or 2-4 bottles of wine a day. I go in phases with my drink of choice. Vodka is the devil. It's all the devil, but vodka is the worst! These past few weeks I have been drunk around the clock. I would start in the morning around 5:30 (after hiding my puking in one of our bathrooms) and drink a few cans of beer or a bottle of wine just to feel somewhat normal. I would have two bottles of wine down by 9. I did this with my husband in the next room with my kids and he had no idea!!! I am normally a very functional alcoholic. I would pass out in my daughter's room after reading her bedtime stories and wake up around midnight and then be up on and off all night. Last week was seriously pretty much a blackout. On Thursday night I raced home to get a few drinks of wine in before hubby got home and took a sip and ended up puking bright red wine all over the place in front of my toddlers. They were so frightened and wanted to help me and I yelled at them. I then started crying. Hurried to clean up and throw my laundry in the wash. I had a couple more drinks and then went outside to meet hubby and fell down the garage steps in front of my 3 year old and she started bawling. My hubby still didn't know what was going on. I said I tripped. Ugh! That night I cried myself to sleep and knew that I was done. Friday I woke up and decided to taper with beer. It took 4 to calm me down. I monitored my heart rate and as soon as it was over 100 I would drink a beer. It took two beers an hour for the first half of the day. That night I started to have really bad withdrawals and so drank a beer to go back to "sleep." I went through 16 beers on Friday. On Saturday I drank 10. Saturday I had 2. Sunday I had none. Monday none and Tuesday none. None so far today. I am not going to sugar coat it. It was fu*$ing miserable. The sweats, the racing heart. The anxiety. The nightmares. I still haven't had a good night of sleep. But today I finally feel like I have energy. I am hungry and can't stop drinking water.
Best of all, I contacted an old friend from AA and her and I went to a meeting last night. I will be going again tomorrow. I told my husband EVERYTHING. He knows almost all of the horrible things I have been doing. Fortunately, he's there for me and he's a chiropractor and so we have access to tons of awesome supplements and ordered blood work to have a liver panel done.
I know that I am just starting, but I have hope for the first time in a long time. And I am not in the closet anymore!!! I am ready to be the super mom I know I am and I am ready to give my husband all of me, because he deserves it and so do I.
I am so grateful for this forum because it has seriously been HUGE in getting me to day 3! Hopefully I make it to day 4, day 5, day 30, 1 year...Today it's one day at a time.
Sorry this is so long by the way.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 98
Wow. That is quite a story. Don't be afraid to reach out and get medical attention and support to help you get and stay sober. Whatever it takes now and you will be able to be there for your kids in the future. Take care of yourself first so that you will be able to take care of them.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR Buzzbee, that's quite a story and I'm glad you made it safely through the detox on your own, things could have gone quite bad. I detoxed on my own and ended up in the ER, many of us understand how bad it must have been.
Glad to hear you told your Husband too, don't rule out seeing a doctor as well - getting an "outside" opinion never hurts, right?
I too hope you can make SR part of your recovery, you'll find a lot of understanding and support here.
Glad to hear you told your Husband too, don't rule out seeing a doctor as well - getting an "outside" opinion never hurts, right?
I too hope you can make SR part of your recovery, you'll find a lot of understanding and support here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Welcome buzzbee!
I am so glad you found this place. Read a lot and participate. Get involved in your sobriety. A big push for me was my daughter. I am a super mom!!!
Start creating a plan and working it.
Really hope to see you around.
I am so glad you found this place. Read a lot and participate. Get involved in your sobriety. A big push for me was my daughter. I am a super mom!!!
Start creating a plan and working it.
Really hope to see you around.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
Wow - great first post. I wish you the best here. One part of your story that I can relate to is the concept of hidden drinking. For me that was a real sign that I had a problem.
Again welcome.
Again welcome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 10
Thanks guys.
I have a written plan in the works. I tell you what, those first few days were so scary. The anxiety was the worst part, but I was determined to get through and I forced myself to eat and drink. I watched a lot of Netflix...well, kind of. I had Netflix on, but was reading all of the posts on here.
Going to AA yesterday was soooooo hard. Thank gosh I got a hold of an old friend that I used to go with and I had her there wiping my tears. I did talk. Well, mostly blubbered and it was hard and I was shaking so bad, but afterwards it was a weight lifted and it made me realize that I am serious about this. I can do it today. Tomorrow is a new day. And I will wake up ok, not hiding and puking all alone.
I have a written plan in the works. I tell you what, those first few days were so scary. The anxiety was the worst part, but I was determined to get through and I forced myself to eat and drink. I watched a lot of Netflix...well, kind of. I had Netflix on, but was reading all of the posts on here.
Going to AA yesterday was soooooo hard. Thank gosh I got a hold of an old friend that I used to go with and I had her there wiping my tears. I did talk. Well, mostly blubbered and it was hard and I was shaking so bad, but afterwards it was a weight lifted and it made me realize that I am serious about this. I can do it today. Tomorrow is a new day. And I will wake up ok, not hiding and puking all alone.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Welcome, buzzbee83! 
Wow, what a story you have. I am so glad you are taking action to live sober. How wonderful to have the support of your husband and a friend to go to AA with. I look forward to reading more posts from you.
SR is a fantastic resource, so glad you found us!
Wow, what a story you have. I am so glad you are taking action to live sober. How wonderful to have the support of your husband and a friend to go to AA with. I look forward to reading more posts from you.
SR is a fantastic resource, so glad you found us!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,001
Glad to have you. My story is the same. Drinking round the clock. Taking an early shower, hoping the noise would mask the violent vomiting of the morning til i could get some booze in me to stave off the nausea. Stay strong.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Great to meet you buzzbee. 
It helped me so much to talk things over here. I was able to reclaim my life after 30 yrs. of drinking.
In the end, I was drinking all day. I was terrified to let go of it - but knew if I continued it was going to be the end of me. I had alienated everyone - & each time I picked up, it led to danger. It wasn't even living. It feels wonderful to be free. Congratulations on making this life changing decision. Glad you are with us.
It helped me so much to talk things over here. I was able to reclaim my life after 30 yrs. of drinking.In the end, I was drinking all day. I was terrified to let go of it - but knew if I continued it was going to be the end of me. I had alienated everyone - & each time I picked up, it led to danger. It wasn't even living. It feels wonderful to be free. Congratulations on making this life changing decision. Glad you are with us.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,334
buzzbee, Glad you made it safely through your detox..... I would still see your doctor, to be on the safe side. Glad you have your husband's support and the support of friends and AA.
Have you considered some therapy, perhaps an addiction specialist? So many of us drink, for emotional/ psychological, reasons and understanding the underlying reasons you drank, would be helpful
Have you considered some therapy, perhaps an addiction specialist? So many of us drink, for emotional/ psychological, reasons and understanding the underlying reasons you drank, would be helpful
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Oxnard
Posts: 173
Im glad you're here and I really appreciate your honesty and sharing of your story. I think it is awesome that you're making a comeback in life, and it sounds like you have a great support system at home. Keep coming back, I look forward to reading your continued success.
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