Lost, confused, upset...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 36
Lost, confused, upset...
Hi everyone... I'm still new to SR and have been reading many people's stories and finding it really helpful. I'm just feeling in need of some advice or encouragement of some kind...
My addict ex-bf broke up with me about 2 months ago, after confessing to me that he'd become a "junkie" and was in debt, using almost every day and failing his uni course. There were definitely signs leading up to this but I had no idea things were so bad for him. The weeks following him breaking up with me have been such a rollercoaster - me lending him money, being abused by him, then being told he loves me and wants to marry me one day, watching him be arrested for domestic violence, having to give a statement against him, going with him to court, watching him lie to me and continue to use, hook up with another girl, etc etc. I'm completely shattered.
In the past 2 weeks, after he almost died of an overdose, he has started to turn things around. I took him to a doctor, he has started seeing a drug counsellor and a psychologist, and is taking mood stabilisers for impulse control. He tells me he's had enough, it's not good anymore, he's going to do everything he can to get better now. He cried for ages and just held me and said he's so sorry for hurting me. He also can't be in a relationship right now, which I totally agree with and I understand that he needs to get better on his own before I can be with him again. But...that's also the part I'm finding it really hard to deal with. He hasn't actually committed to me, but still messages me every day telling me he loves me. But, he doesn't know when or even if he will still want to be together when he gets better, but says he thinks he will want to when he's ready.
What am I supposed to do with this? Every day I'm away from him my heart just hurts. And I can't move on yet or start to grieve our relationship because I don't know if it's completely lost yet. He tells me he wants to be with me forever and get married, but on the flip side he says he doesn't know if or when he's going to be ready. Where does that leave me? Do I move on? I'm scared of holding on because he might not be there for me on the other side. And I'm scared of letting go because I truly believe we are soul mates and I know he loves me very much and wants to try again if possible when he's sober and better. He's been sober for 2 weeks and I realise that it's very early days, the more I read around SR and learn about addiction. But I know he's genuine and determined to heal and become himself again.
Is there any advice anyone could give me for dealing with feeling depressed and worried every day? Do I hold on or do I have to let go? If anyone could share their thoughts I'd really appreciate it, thanks for reading.
My addict ex-bf broke up with me about 2 months ago, after confessing to me that he'd become a "junkie" and was in debt, using almost every day and failing his uni course. There were definitely signs leading up to this but I had no idea things were so bad for him. The weeks following him breaking up with me have been such a rollercoaster - me lending him money, being abused by him, then being told he loves me and wants to marry me one day, watching him be arrested for domestic violence, having to give a statement against him, going with him to court, watching him lie to me and continue to use, hook up with another girl, etc etc. I'm completely shattered.
In the past 2 weeks, after he almost died of an overdose, he has started to turn things around. I took him to a doctor, he has started seeing a drug counsellor and a psychologist, and is taking mood stabilisers for impulse control. He tells me he's had enough, it's not good anymore, he's going to do everything he can to get better now. He cried for ages and just held me and said he's so sorry for hurting me. He also can't be in a relationship right now, which I totally agree with and I understand that he needs to get better on his own before I can be with him again. But...that's also the part I'm finding it really hard to deal with. He hasn't actually committed to me, but still messages me every day telling me he loves me. But, he doesn't know when or even if he will still want to be together when he gets better, but says he thinks he will want to when he's ready.
What am I supposed to do with this? Every day I'm away from him my heart just hurts. And I can't move on yet or start to grieve our relationship because I don't know if it's completely lost yet. He tells me he wants to be with me forever and get married, but on the flip side he says he doesn't know if or when he's going to be ready. Where does that leave me? Do I move on? I'm scared of holding on because he might not be there for me on the other side. And I'm scared of letting go because I truly believe we are soul mates and I know he loves me very much and wants to try again if possible when he's sober and better. He's been sober for 2 weeks and I realise that it's very early days, the more I read around SR and learn about addiction. But I know he's genuine and determined to heal and become himself again.
Is there any advice anyone could give me for dealing with feeling depressed and worried every day? Do I hold on or do I have to let go? If anyone could share their thoughts I'd really appreciate it, thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
I think I would do what's best for me right now.
I can't speak for you, but I would not be willing or able to put my life on "hold"
for who knows how long, for a relationship that may or may not pan out in the future,
depending on his addiction or whether he finds someone else.
2 weeks really is such a small amount of time in the big picture.
I suggest you step back and focus on yourself, and tell him to look you up
after a year of "no relapse" sobriety.
His daily texts are a safety net for him but hurting you--they keep
you on the hook but with no commitment or requirements on his part.
Waiting for him is keeping you depressed and worried.
Getting on with your own life and putting this behind you (no texts)
is the quickest way to feel better.
The initial pain will pass, and you can heal.
I can't speak for you, but I would not be willing or able to put my life on "hold"
for who knows how long, for a relationship that may or may not pan out in the future,
depending on his addiction or whether he finds someone else.
2 weeks really is such a small amount of time in the big picture.
I suggest you step back and focus on yourself, and tell him to look you up
after a year of "no relapse" sobriety.
His daily texts are a safety net for him but hurting you--they keep
you on the hook but with no commitment or requirements on his part.
Waiting for him is keeping you depressed and worried.
Getting on with your own life and putting this behind you (no texts)
is the quickest way to feel better.
The initial pain will pass, and you can heal.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 36
Thanks for the advice Hawkeye. I know deep down you're right about doing what's best for me. And I haven't really thought about it in that way, that he's "keeping me on the hook" and that it's like a safety net for him, but that makes a lot of sense. It's kind of hard to admit to myself that I'm being used and strung along - I find it hard to reconcile that with him as an actual person. But I guess thinking about it objectively that's probably what's happening. I might give it a little more time and see how he goes with being sober for the next week or so. Hopefully I can find the strength to cut off communication, because it seems as though that's pretty much the only way to find closure and focus on myself again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It’s kind of like you are as addicted to him as he was to drugs.
You are not too sure you really want to give it up yet so you stick around waiting for whatever crumbs he may throw your way. And that’s no healthy way to live.
A good book that is often recommended here on SR is "Codependent No More".
It may be worth checking it out!!!
You are not too sure you really want to give it up yet so you stick around waiting for whatever crumbs he may throw your way. And that’s no healthy way to live.
A good book that is often recommended here on SR is "Codependent No More".
It may be worth checking it out!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
My initial thoughts are that each of you needs to be able to be objective about one another, about life, and about recovery. I have found that it's hard to truly be objective about things unless you are able to actually step back from and take a true, objective look....
While you are still in contact every day, it's going to DETRACT from working on yourselves fully.
To get really good and healthy for yourself, you need to be free of the strain being in a relationship with a "junkie" is putting on you. And yes, you are still in a relationship with him as long as he is texting you everyday and telling you he loves you, etc. And it very likely is TRUE: he loves you. But his addiction has caused some pretty serious problems already, including ABUSE. So, you've got to take that really really serious.
As is advised over and over again: Look at the behaviors, not the words. He can tell you he loves you over and over again every single day, but if his actions tell you otherwise, all the words in the world and all the "I love you's" in the world don't weigh up. He has some serious weaknesses and has SHOWN you by his actions what sort of things he is capable of. ActionS "speak" the TRUTH.
I know you feel like soul mates and all that; I totally get that...but don't be deceived by those types of feelings. He cannot be a good, worthy "soul mate" for you if he is an abusive addict...that's the reality.
While you are still in contact every day, it's going to DETRACT from working on yourselves fully.
To get really good and healthy for yourself, you need to be free of the strain being in a relationship with a "junkie" is putting on you. And yes, you are still in a relationship with him as long as he is texting you everyday and telling you he loves you, etc. And it very likely is TRUE: he loves you. But his addiction has caused some pretty serious problems already, including ABUSE. So, you've got to take that really really serious.
As is advised over and over again: Look at the behaviors, not the words. He can tell you he loves you over and over again every single day, but if his actions tell you otherwise, all the words in the world and all the "I love you's" in the world don't weigh up. He has some serious weaknesses and has SHOWN you by his actions what sort of things he is capable of. ActionS "speak" the TRUTH.
I know you feel like soul mates and all that; I totally get that...but don't be deceived by those types of feelings. He cannot be a good, worthy "soul mate" for you if he is an abusive addict...that's the reality.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Regarding the worry and depression: That's a tough one to overcome, but it can be done. You've got to somehow free your mind of the worry and just focus on yourself, not him. Keep the focus on YOU and being your best, healthiest, happy self without a relationship with ANYONE. THAT is when I believe we find the best happiness in life. If your depression continues, I would be seeking professional help...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by atalose 
It’s kind of like you are as addicted to him as he was to drugs.
Thanks for your advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
My initial thoughts are that each of you needs to be able to be objective about one another, about life, and about recovery. I have found that it's hard to truly be objective about things unless you are able to actually step back from and take a true, objective look....
While you are still in contact every day, it's going to DETRACT from working on yourselves fully.
To get really good and healthy for yourself, you need to be free of the strain being in a relationship with a "junkie" is putting on you. And yes, you are still in a relationship with him as long as he is texting you everyday and telling you he loves you, etc. And it very likely is TRUE: he loves you. But his addiction has caused some pretty serious problems already, including ABUSE. So, you've got to take that really really serious.
As is advised over and over again: Look at the behaviors, not the words. He can tell you he loves you over and over again every single day, but if his actions tell you otherwise, all the words in the world and all the "I love you's" in the world don't weigh up. He has some serious weaknesses and has SHOWN you by his actions what sort of things he is capable of. ActionS "speak" the TRUTH.
I know you feel like soul mates and all that; I totally get that...but don't be deceived by those types of feelings. He cannot be a good, worthy "soul mate" for you if he is an abusive addict...that's the reality.
While you are still in contact every day, it's going to DETRACT from working on yourselves fully.
To get really good and healthy for yourself, you need to be free of the strain being in a relationship with a "junkie" is putting on you. And yes, you are still in a relationship with him as long as he is texting you everyday and telling you he loves you, etc. And it very likely is TRUE: he loves you. But his addiction has caused some pretty serious problems already, including ABUSE. So, you've got to take that really really serious.
As is advised over and over again: Look at the behaviors, not the words. He can tell you he loves you over and over again every single day, but if his actions tell you otherwise, all the words in the world and all the "I love you's" in the world don't weigh up. He has some serious weaknesses and has SHOWN you by his actions what sort of things he is capable of. ActionS "speak" the TRUTH.
I know you feel like soul mates and all that; I totally get that...but don't be deceived by those types of feelings. He cannot be a good, worthy "soul mate" for you if he is an abusive addict...that's the reality.
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
You're so welcome, Sunny!
I know from my own experiences that when I am "in love" my thinking gets clouded because of my EMOTIONS. And, there's nothing wrong with emotions, they are just part of being human. BUT, when our emotions have too much 'say' in matters we are more likely to COMPROMISE and tolerate being treated in ways that are not good for us.
Abuse is not just a 'red flag'...it's a glaring, stark reality and you simply should not be abused, period. That will destroy you on so many levels it's very sobering. It can eat away at your self worth, self esteem, your soul's well-being and bodily well being as well. You end up suffering. But, when someone you love abuses you, we tend to be in denial about it because it really hurts to face that truth that someone you love doesn't really love you like they should...
Addiction tends to progress.
Abuse tends to progress also.
I know from my own experiences that when I am "in love" my thinking gets clouded because of my EMOTIONS. And, there's nothing wrong with emotions, they are just part of being human. BUT, when our emotions have too much 'say' in matters we are more likely to COMPROMISE and tolerate being treated in ways that are not good for us.
Abuse is not just a 'red flag'...it's a glaring, stark reality and you simply should not be abused, period. That will destroy you on so many levels it's very sobering. It can eat away at your self worth, self esteem, your soul's well-being and bodily well being as well. You end up suffering. But, when someone you love abuses you, we tend to be in denial about it because it really hurts to face that truth that someone you love doesn't really love you like they should...
Addiction tends to progress.
Abuse tends to progress also.
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