Smilax

I've posted here before about not being able to stop my drinking but realising that I need to. Well the other day I made an appointment with the local government run alcohol and addiction centre and saw a councilor there. It was a cathartic and touching meeting. I told my story why I drink etc. She feels the root of my issues is a lack of self love and compassion, that I fear people and isolate and so have formed a relationship with alcohol instead of with people. It's safer. I agree 100%. I already knew all this actually. I plan to make use of their drop in meetings and have another apt with her in another 2 weeks or so.

But here's the thing. I haven't stopped drinking lol. Nor does a large part of me even want to. This despite having health concerns. I don't drink as much as some. 3 days a week I drink a bottle of wine + 3 to 4 tall beers. My insides feel terrible a lot though. Poisoning myself. Have bad urine retention or something keep going to the washroom multiple times an hour sometimes. Went to the dr multiple times and have had lots of tests but ironically all my blood numbers are very good.

How is it possible that I'm looking to get help made this appointment, have health concerns, but STILL drinking?

FML I hate myself.

least

I felt this way too. And I responded to that feeling by drinking more. I figured, why not? I'm not worth saving.

But I finally took the leap and stopped drinking, and that sort of thinking finally went away and I didn't hate myself anymore.

Stop drinking and break that cycle of self loathing and self punishment. Stay sober for a while and see if you don't start feeling better about yourself.

Worthless

Drink is an addiction ...it makes your feel good the first time you have it then you want to feel that good again and thats why you drink more and more
sometimes Addict voice is strong you may need go to rehab to stop

Anna

Making the appointment and talking to a counsellor was a great start. But, I think you still have to accept that you are an alcoholic and can never drink again. I am aware of the reasons why I started drinking, and knowing that helped me to recover, but there is still that acceptance issue.

Smilax

I agree I really haven't accepted fully I have a problem. How is that possible when I'm able to tell myself I'm an alcoholic and have started getting help? Heck I still look forward to drinking even though I'm feeling like death the next day. Wtf is wrong with me. How pathetic can you get?

JD

Nothing is wrong with you. You're just addicted to alcohol. We've all been that pathetic person where we know better yet keep drinking. You can put an end to though.

Smilax

Thank you. It means a lot to hear that.

One of the things that scares me is the paradoxical amount of control or lack of control I have over it. On the one hand I of course have no control as it controls me obviously. But as a binge drinker I can also shut it off like a switch when I go to work. Work 5 days then go back to binging on my weekends. I don't do it to socialise, just to numb myself. It's part of my all or nothing perfectionist drive that pervades every aspect of my life. I must be in total control of everything and yet ironically I'm not in control of anything. I can switch aspects of it off and on, stop on a dime, with scary will power and yet on the flip side I have no control at all.

Smilax

Another thing that's scaring me is the amount of relief I get when I drink on my 2nd or 3rd day. Obviously I'm going through withdrawal those days. When I drink when I feel like **** those days the sense of relief is like taking an opiate or something. And yet yup I keep at it so far.

jseattle

It was very helpful to go to a rehab program with other alcoholics and addicts because we have so much in common. Self isolating, craving, loathing, etc. it is a common thread among addicts.

Of course you look froward to drinking and want to drink. If you didn't you would not be an addict. That is how our brains work.

Keep educating yourself and being honest with yourself. Self awareness is a great place to start.

Smilax

Thank you. It truly means a lot to hear that!

Berrybean

Why not investigate your local AA meetings as well. The people you will meet there will all remember being at your stage (wanting to want to stop) and will be able to support you to reach a stage of acceptance and willingness. It's also a good place to start building a sober network if (like me) drinking has been the focus of life for so long that any friends you have are drinking ones.