New here - previously posted this in a different thread
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
New here - previously posted this in a different thread
Hi all
I’m new – hope this is the right place to post!
My boyfriend is the most wonderful man. He is kind, funny, intelligent, compassionate and articulate. We have many similar life goals and values. When I am with him it just feels right and we ‘get’ each other. We have been dating just about 10 months and we are quite serious about our future together – lots of discussions about marriage, dog, children etc. We are both in our early/mid 30s.
My boyfriend also suffered emotional and verbal abuse as a child from his parents. He is an alcoholic. Clearly this is not something that was disclosed in the first few dates! I knew about his traumatic childhood but the extent of the drinking problem only became apparent about 2 months ago when he had a week where he effectively “fell down the rabbit hole”. His sister and I managed to get him some professional help and he agreed to start seeing a trauma therapist. He has been seeing this therapist for 2 months now and it seems to be going well. He has also sporadically been going to AA or NA meetings. This weekend he is going to an NA retreat with his brother in law. We have had many conversations about all of this and as of last week he found that therapy was more helpful in the immediate term than NA or AA.
He has had two relapses since March. One at the end of April. He drank a bottle of wine and then promptly told me about it the next morning. I was crushed and cried (at work) but also grateful that he told me. He also relapsed last night. He told me after I asked him about it over text as I noticed tell-tale signs. He didn’t want to worry me but I said it is worse if he hides it. I was upset but less so this time – I am learning that relapse is part of recovery. He is not abusive when he drinks, just sad and I don’t recognize him.
We have had a lot of heart felt discussions in the last two months about how it is important for us to both be open and honest with each other and that we both strive to be healthy. He agrees but of course addiction is a hard disease to manage.
I have started my own therapy to help me deal with my anxiety over all this. Including the anxiety I felt after spending a few hours with his family in April. I have also been to al-anon twice but am not sure if it is for me yet. Perhaps this site will be good. I know I did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure his drinking. Although that doesn’t stop me from wishing I could!
To give you some of my backstory – I am a recovering over-eater. Over the past 3 years I have worked hard to lose and maintain a loss of about 85lbs. I’m still about 20lbs from my ultimate goal. I will never be able to “eat normally”. I will always have to manage my food intake, for the rest of my life. Sounds familiar to addiction, no? I am also a runner – I am training this summer for my 2nd half marathon.
I’ve been back to the gym this week because I realized I needed to look after myself. Between supporting my bf’s recovery and also opening my home for 3 weeks to a good friend who needed to be close to a major hospital (she is now in hospital and I visit her at least once per week) and then having my dad stay at my house for a week so we could do renovations…I felt a little lost in the shuffle. I don’t want to lose myself or stop taking care of myself. Not after finally finding myself after all these years.
I’m here looking for hope. Is it feasible to plan a future with this man? I know that no one can answer this question for me but it’s just so frustrating to not have a crystal ball. I just want us to both be healthy and happy. I am fairly well educated (as are my close friends and family) on addiction but I have no previous personal experience with addiction or childhood abuse (my family is not abusive). I believe with all my heart that he would make a great long term partner and father…but what if he never achieves long term sobriety? I’m hoping to learn what my boundaries are in therapy and here on this site. His sister is a 10 year recovering alcoholic and she gives me great hope and support. She has raised two wonderful teenagers. I know other recovering alcoholics who are able to live happy healthy lives. Is he one of the fortunate ones? No need to answer – no one can know…this is just what goes around in my mind.
We love each other dearly.
**ETA**
It was his sister who suggested that relapse is a part of recovery - or more like, it can happen. And that it's more about how one deals with the relapse.
I believe he is serious about his recovery but I don't know how long to wait and see.
I’m new – hope this is the right place to post!
My boyfriend is the most wonderful man. He is kind, funny, intelligent, compassionate and articulate. We have many similar life goals and values. When I am with him it just feels right and we ‘get’ each other. We have been dating just about 10 months and we are quite serious about our future together – lots of discussions about marriage, dog, children etc. We are both in our early/mid 30s.
My boyfriend also suffered emotional and verbal abuse as a child from his parents. He is an alcoholic. Clearly this is not something that was disclosed in the first few dates! I knew about his traumatic childhood but the extent of the drinking problem only became apparent about 2 months ago when he had a week where he effectively “fell down the rabbit hole”. His sister and I managed to get him some professional help and he agreed to start seeing a trauma therapist. He has been seeing this therapist for 2 months now and it seems to be going well. He has also sporadically been going to AA or NA meetings. This weekend he is going to an NA retreat with his brother in law. We have had many conversations about all of this and as of last week he found that therapy was more helpful in the immediate term than NA or AA.
He has had two relapses since March. One at the end of April. He drank a bottle of wine and then promptly told me about it the next morning. I was crushed and cried (at work) but also grateful that he told me. He also relapsed last night. He told me after I asked him about it over text as I noticed tell-tale signs. He didn’t want to worry me but I said it is worse if he hides it. I was upset but less so this time – I am learning that relapse is part of recovery. He is not abusive when he drinks, just sad and I don’t recognize him.
We have had a lot of heart felt discussions in the last two months about how it is important for us to both be open and honest with each other and that we both strive to be healthy. He agrees but of course addiction is a hard disease to manage.
I have started my own therapy to help me deal with my anxiety over all this. Including the anxiety I felt after spending a few hours with his family in April. I have also been to al-anon twice but am not sure if it is for me yet. Perhaps this site will be good. I know I did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure his drinking. Although that doesn’t stop me from wishing I could!
To give you some of my backstory – I am a recovering over-eater. Over the past 3 years I have worked hard to lose and maintain a loss of about 85lbs. I’m still about 20lbs from my ultimate goal. I will never be able to “eat normally”. I will always have to manage my food intake, for the rest of my life. Sounds familiar to addiction, no? I am also a runner – I am training this summer for my 2nd half marathon.
I’ve been back to the gym this week because I realized I needed to look after myself. Between supporting my bf’s recovery and also opening my home for 3 weeks to a good friend who needed to be close to a major hospital (she is now in hospital and I visit her at least once per week) and then having my dad stay at my house for a week so we could do renovations…I felt a little lost in the shuffle. I don’t want to lose myself or stop taking care of myself. Not after finally finding myself after all these years.
I’m here looking for hope. Is it feasible to plan a future with this man? I know that no one can answer this question for me but it’s just so frustrating to not have a crystal ball. I just want us to both be healthy and happy. I am fairly well educated (as are my close friends and family) on addiction but I have no previous personal experience with addiction or childhood abuse (my family is not abusive). I believe with all my heart that he would make a great long term partner and father…but what if he never achieves long term sobriety? I’m hoping to learn what my boundaries are in therapy and here on this site. His sister is a 10 year recovering alcoholic and she gives me great hope and support. She has raised two wonderful teenagers. I know other recovering alcoholics who are able to live happy healthy lives. Is he one of the fortunate ones? No need to answer – no one can know…this is just what goes around in my mind.
We love each other dearly.
**ETA**
It was his sister who suggested that relapse is a part of recovery - or more like, it can happen. And that it's more about how one deals with the relapse.
I believe he is serious about his recovery but I don't know how long to wait and see.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hello and welcome to SR. It is great that you are going to therapy. I hope your counselor has some experience with addiction. It's important that they do.
I encourage you to keep up with al-anon for a little while longer before deciding and of course I think SR is awesome - it has been so helpful to me over the years. There is also a book called 'Co-Dependent No More' that I found really helpful as well as the threads in the sticky section at the top of the forum.
My experience tells me that until he finds some solid recovery there is no point in planning a life because unless you want your life to go down the rabbit hole of alcoholism and addiction - you won't get what you plan for. Until he has solid recovery he doesn't follow your voice or his voice that loves you - he follows the voice of addiction. Period.
I encourage you to keep up with al-anon for a little while longer before deciding and of course I think SR is awesome - it has been so helpful to me over the years. There is also a book called 'Co-Dependent No More' that I found really helpful as well as the threads in the sticky section at the top of the forum.
My experience tells me that until he finds some solid recovery there is no point in planning a life because unless you want your life to go down the rabbit hole of alcoholism and addiction - you won't get what you plan for. Until he has solid recovery he doesn't follow your voice or his voice that loves you - he follows the voice of addiction. Period.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Just sending you (((HUGS))). You have a lot on your plate.
Just want to cheer on your healthy recognition of yourself, and your needs. Keep taking care of yourself, and I hope you get some clarity!
I’ve been back to the gym this week because I realized I needed to look after myself. Between supporting my bf’s recovery and also opening my home for 3 weeks to a good friend who needed to be close to a major hospital (she is now in hospital and I visit her at least once per week) and then having my dad stay at my house for a week so we could do renovations…I felt a little lost in the shuffle. I don’t want to lose myself or stop taking care of myself. Not after finally finding myself after all these years.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
It was his sister who suggested that relapse is a part of recovery - or more like, it can happen. And that it's more about how one deals with the relapse.
I believe he is serious about his recovery but I don't know how long to wait and see.
I think many would disagree with his sister's comment that relapse is part of recovery. It might be helpful to post that on the SR Forum "New to Alcoholism" and see what truly "recovered" alcoholics say.
With an alcoholic, there is always a chance of relapse. And with that comes tragedy for all in the family, especially children.
There are some who manage long term recovery, and from my reading, they do so by total commitment and immersion in sobriety for at least a year. If I were you, I wouldn't commit to any long term relationship until your boyfriend has had a solid year of recovery, no slips. I would use that time to develop myself, to strengthen my own confidence, and to make sure that I am not falling into co-dependence. That means, to me, that we who are partners of alcoholics understand and respect that we can do nothing to help/make/encourage our alcoholic partner to commit to sobriety. We have to stand back and watch what they do, not what they say.
Having left a marriage of 20 years to an alcoholic, and having grown up with an alcoholic father, I would never again choose to live with an alcoholic. It is like a bucket at the top of the well; the rope to hold it there may look strong enough, but once it lets loose, the path to the bottom is quick and painful.
If it were me, I would put the relationship on hold for at least a year and focus on being who I want to be and become, and take the freedom to explore other relationships. If after a year, your boyfriend has demonstrated consistent, persistent commitment to a plan of recovery, and is sober, then I might re-evaluate. You are talking of bringing children into the equation, and that makes this decision all the more important because you will have responsibility for their lives as well as your own.
Take what you want, leave the rest, said with great empathy.
ShootingStar1
I believe he is serious about his recovery but I don't know how long to wait and see.
I think many would disagree with his sister's comment that relapse is part of recovery. It might be helpful to post that on the SR Forum "New to Alcoholism" and see what truly "recovered" alcoholics say.
With an alcoholic, there is always a chance of relapse. And with that comes tragedy for all in the family, especially children.
There are some who manage long term recovery, and from my reading, they do so by total commitment and immersion in sobriety for at least a year. If I were you, I wouldn't commit to any long term relationship until your boyfriend has had a solid year of recovery, no slips. I would use that time to develop myself, to strengthen my own confidence, and to make sure that I am not falling into co-dependence. That means, to me, that we who are partners of alcoholics understand and respect that we can do nothing to help/make/encourage our alcoholic partner to commit to sobriety. We have to stand back and watch what they do, not what they say.
Having left a marriage of 20 years to an alcoholic, and having grown up with an alcoholic father, I would never again choose to live with an alcoholic. It is like a bucket at the top of the well; the rope to hold it there may look strong enough, but once it lets loose, the path to the bottom is quick and painful.
If it were me, I would put the relationship on hold for at least a year and focus on being who I want to be and become, and take the freedom to explore other relationships. If after a year, your boyfriend has demonstrated consistent, persistent commitment to a plan of recovery, and is sober, then I might re-evaluate. You are talking of bringing children into the equation, and that makes this decision all the more important because you will have responsibility for their lives as well as your own.
Take what you want, leave the rest, said with great empathy.
ShootingStar1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
Hi - lots to think about, thanks. We had some very frank discussion tonight about what needs to do. After I left I texted him and told him that I believe in his ability to recover but that realistically we cannot plan a future together until he has a solid base of sobriety with no slips. So he should do the things he needs to do and we shall see how things develop. I am not sure he processed my meaning but I suppose we will see over the next few days.
I went to visit my friend in the hospital and spilled it all to her, crying of course. She was sympathetic but of course didn't know what to say as she has never been in this situation. She also may be back at my house next week for up to 3 weeks! Which would be good but does complicate my life. She is 33 weeks pregnant with identical twins and it is a high risk pregnancy. She came to my house April 19 and stayed 20 days till I had to take her to the hospital bc she was having contractions. They have since stopped and she has been in the antenatal ward but they might release her to me to wait for 36/37 weeks. Bit of a diversion from the main topic but it plays a big part in my life right now.
I had a good talk with bf's sister and she is very hopeful that his retreat this weekend may get him in the right mind set for recovery. I think I will sleep on things and ask him after the weekend what he would like to do (treatment etc)? I need actions, not words.
I decided to go for a short run tonight to clear my head. My own health is of utmost importance to me. I spent the bulk of my life being unhealthy so I am very careful with my health these days. Which is one reason it hurts so much to see someone I love suffer. I know the freedom that comes with finally dealing with the problems holding you down.
I went to visit my friend in the hospital and spilled it all to her, crying of course. She was sympathetic but of course didn't know what to say as she has never been in this situation. She also may be back at my house next week for up to 3 weeks! Which would be good but does complicate my life. She is 33 weeks pregnant with identical twins and it is a high risk pregnancy. She came to my house April 19 and stayed 20 days till I had to take her to the hospital bc she was having contractions. They have since stopped and she has been in the antenatal ward but they might release her to me to wait for 36/37 weeks. Bit of a diversion from the main topic but it plays a big part in my life right now.
I had a good talk with bf's sister and she is very hopeful that his retreat this weekend may get him in the right mind set for recovery. I think I will sleep on things and ask him after the weekend what he would like to do (treatment etc)? I need actions, not words.
I decided to go for a short run tonight to clear my head. My own health is of utmost importance to me. I spent the bulk of my life being unhealthy so I am very careful with my health these days. Which is one reason it hurts so much to see someone I love suffer. I know the freedom that comes with finally dealing with the problems holding you down.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
"Relapse" is just choosing to drink again, and not part of recovery.
I made that choice many times until I didn't, and truly recovered.
You are right--actions are the only thing that counts.
Look at your own life--you make choices daily to take care of your health
and not engage in your addiction.
He needs to the same, and demonstrate his commitment to that over time
just as you have.
You are wise to step back.
I made that choice many times until I didn't, and truly recovered.
You are right--actions are the only thing that counts.
Look at your own life--you make choices daily to take care of your health
and not engage in your addiction.
He needs to the same, and demonstrate his commitment to that over time
just as you have.
You are wise to step back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
We have been dating just about 10 months and we are quite serious about our future together – lots of discussions about marriage, dog, children etc. We are both in our early/mid 30s.
My boyfriend also suffered emotional and verbal abuse as a child from his parents. He is an alcoholic. Clearly this is not something that was disclosed in the first few dates!
My boyfriend also suffered emotional and verbal abuse as a child from his parents. He is an alcoholic. Clearly this is not something that was disclosed in the first few dates!
He is relapsing and relapse is NOT part of recovery. The foundation of this relationship was built on him hiding something from you and that something is a pretty darn big something.
It seems you’ve worked very hard on things in your life you wanted to fix like losing weight and becoming more healthy and active. It seems he is NOT on that same level of thought for himself.
I think it’s wise you are not STILL planning a future at this point with this man. I think therapy will be a big help in discovering why after only a short 10 months you fell so hard so fast planning a whole future with something that you though you knew but found out MONTHS later that you really didn’t know all of him.
Keep the focus on you and what’s best for you. Maybe pull back a little from his sister as well. Of course she wants what’s best for her brother and HIS interest is what is at the top of her list, not so much what’s in your best interest.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 29
Hi! I know NOTHING myself as I am just learning but I find myself here for almost the same reasons as you - a wonderful man whom I love and who loves me, but who drinks and who I thin is an alcoholic. I too wonder about planning a future with him.
So, just replying to say: ....I hope so much for you that you and he find the future you are both hoping for and I hope we can help one another.
All the very best to you, good luck, and everything good!
XO
So, just replying to say: ....I hope so much for you that you and he find the future you are both hoping for and I hope we can help one another.
All the very best to you, good luck, and everything good!
XO
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Hi and welcome GreenEyes.
First off you a wise to recognize that you both have addiction issues. His is alcohol; yours is eating. I don't know if you have shared here what his longest stretch of sober time was....
Congrats on your weight loss. The final 20 pounds can be stubborn, but keep up the great work. That is no small feat, what you've done and so you know it really takes a lot of commitment and life CHANGE to overcome something like overeating. Same goes for any addiction in my mind. The reality is that people with eating disorders are known to have relapses too. BUT, you've proven a lot over the last 3 YEARS. That's a good stretch. So that's kind of why I was wondering how long he has ever stayed sober with no slips. Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior, although that may sound a bit like future tripping and pessimistic, it's the usually the truth.
10 months into a relationship even without any addiction issues, I might be inclined to not think in terms YET about 'planning a future together'. Take your time. There is not rush to plan the future, really....you've still got 20 pounds to go before you are at your best, and he still needs to get his addiction straightened out.
The advice given here is fantastic. These folks really know their stuff.
The sister: well, consider the source. She does present a biased viewpoint simply because she is his sister, even though I am sure she means well. But, family members have been known to try and 'sway' potential/future long term partners of other family members....they either want to pull them in closer to the family or turn them away (yikes, sometimes that can get nasty)...but just keep in mind that she is not a neutral person in the equation. Nothing against her for that, but it just a fact. SHE may have been one of him enablers...
Maybe sometimes, it boils down to what is going to be a 'deal breaker' for either of you: Is he not going to love you as much if you put the weight back on and is that a big problem for you? Are you going to be able to deal with his alcoholism. You're going into this further right now with your eyes open, providing he has been totally honest with you about everything.
Step back, give it TIME and trust the process. No matter, it boils down that each can only really and truly best work on ourselves as life unfolds.
First off you a wise to recognize that you both have addiction issues. His is alcohol; yours is eating. I don't know if you have shared here what his longest stretch of sober time was....
Congrats on your weight loss. The final 20 pounds can be stubborn, but keep up the great work. That is no small feat, what you've done and so you know it really takes a lot of commitment and life CHANGE to overcome something like overeating. Same goes for any addiction in my mind. The reality is that people with eating disorders are known to have relapses too. BUT, you've proven a lot over the last 3 YEARS. That's a good stretch. So that's kind of why I was wondering how long he has ever stayed sober with no slips. Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior, although that may sound a bit like future tripping and pessimistic, it's the usually the truth.
10 months into a relationship even without any addiction issues, I might be inclined to not think in terms YET about 'planning a future together'. Take your time. There is not rush to plan the future, really....you've still got 20 pounds to go before you are at your best, and he still needs to get his addiction straightened out.
The advice given here is fantastic. These folks really know their stuff.
The sister: well, consider the source. She does present a biased viewpoint simply because she is his sister, even though I am sure she means well. But, family members have been known to try and 'sway' potential/future long term partners of other family members....they either want to pull them in closer to the family or turn them away (yikes, sometimes that can get nasty)...but just keep in mind that she is not a neutral person in the equation. Nothing against her for that, but it just a fact. SHE may have been one of him enablers...
Maybe sometimes, it boils down to what is going to be a 'deal breaker' for either of you: Is he not going to love you as much if you put the weight back on and is that a big problem for you? Are you going to be able to deal with his alcoholism. You're going into this further right now with your eyes open, providing he has been totally honest with you about everything.
Step back, give it TIME and trust the process. No matter, it boils down that each can only really and truly best work on ourselves as life unfolds.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
Thanks everyone for all your responses.
He told me he knew he was an alcoholic at 20 years of age. According to him he was sober for 6 years in his early/mid 20s. Then his first marriage fell apart (she had mental health issues that he tried to get her some help for but she was resistant and after a few years he trie a trial separation and almost immediately she initiated divorce). Then I think his addiction reared its head again.
His sister is definitely not a neutral source but she has very firmly said I should do what is best for me, including and up to breaking it off. She is a good resource for me bc she understands the alcoholic brain given that she is a recovering alcoholic herself and she is in an on again off again relationship with an addict. She has given me a lot of information on how not to be an enabler. I was reading another thread on here about how to not enable. He doesn't enable my overeating but instead cheers on my successes in that arena.
Today he looked into the addiction centre which is good but is still just words. I will need to see sustained effort.
I do feel rushed to 'get it right' bc of my age. But there is no right or wrong, just choices. To be clear it isn't just our ages but the fact that there is an emotional bond that is hard to break. However I have already started to feel myself make a mental break. And remember myself first and foremost.
Thanks for the weightloss kudos. I am a very different version of myself now.
He told me he knew he was an alcoholic at 20 years of age. According to him he was sober for 6 years in his early/mid 20s. Then his first marriage fell apart (she had mental health issues that he tried to get her some help for but she was resistant and after a few years he trie a trial separation and almost immediately she initiated divorce). Then I think his addiction reared its head again.
His sister is definitely not a neutral source but she has very firmly said I should do what is best for me, including and up to breaking it off. She is a good resource for me bc she understands the alcoholic brain given that she is a recovering alcoholic herself and she is in an on again off again relationship with an addict. She has given me a lot of information on how not to be an enabler. I was reading another thread on here about how to not enable. He doesn't enable my overeating but instead cheers on my successes in that arena.
Today he looked into the addiction centre which is good but is still just words. I will need to see sustained effort.
I do feel rushed to 'get it right' bc of my age. But there is no right or wrong, just choices. To be clear it isn't just our ages but the fact that there is an emotional bond that is hard to break. However I have already started to feel myself make a mental break. And remember myself first and foremost.
Thanks for the weightloss kudos. I am a very different version of myself now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Welcome Greeneyes, like the others have said you sound like a person who has done a lot of work on yourself and are also trying to figure out this relationship. Congrats for having the wisdom to know the alcoholism could be serious.
You might try a couple of different Alanons. Also read the stickies and learn about codependency.
Let us know how things go.
You might try a couple of different Alanons. Also read the stickies and learn about codependency.
Let us know how things go.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Tulsa, Ok
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by GreenEyes02 
It was his sister who suggested that relapse is a part of recovery - or more like, it can happen. And that it's more about how one deals with the relapse.
It stood out to me because someone who is truly in recovery would never say that relapse is part of it. You gotta be in it to win, as they say.
You sound like you are doing the right things and not enabling him. It's hard sometimes to put yourself first. Trust me I know all to well.
I also want to let you know, I'm a food addict too. I had gastric bypass surgery and lost almost 160lbs. I regained 70 and so far I've lost about 35 of that regain. The struggle is real
I just keep pushing myself everyday and I know I've gotta throw in some "Me" time. I get lost in there too.I hope for peace and sobriety for your both.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
