mkr86

hey SR, it's Me again
Just needing to vent after a tough day. More like week. Today was exceptionally bad.
ABF is worse than ever, deeply lost in his opiate / cocaine addiction. He uses Uppers to counteract the Downers and it is a vicious cycle.
I had a brief moment of awakening & somehow I managed to gain enough strength to leave for an entire 6 days. Last Sunday, he has decided to move from synthetic heroin (Fentanyl) to the legit street H. In terms of danger, "technically" the Heroin is not as potent as the Fentanyl. My ABF has the highest opiate tolerance imaginable. So, I pathetically think its "not as bad" as what he was doing before. Look at me. I am so wrapped up this BS.
I am trying to set boundaries for myself, but he respects none of them. He swears at me, calls me down, mocks and belittles me every day. I tell myself it's the dope talking, the IMPOSTER as I like to call him. So once I saw he starting smoking heroin last week, I couldn't stick around. Something about smoking drugs off of tinfoil just looks ..... I don't know. It's too much for me. Plus, even though the H isn't as "potent" as the pills, the person he becomes when high on it .... Well let's just say I don't know that person at all. So. Far. Gone. I cry and beg and plead and obviously nothing works. I know that. He mocked me while I was crying, told me to "get a life, you're a loser ... All you care about is me and my drugs." Those words truly stung, venomous. It's true. This is what my life has become. So, I left because for a brief moment I thought I was strong enough. I left the city we live & went back home. Stayed at my moms.
Then he almost died, got into a minor car accident because of driving under the influence, blacked out a total of 10-12 times (coming to/waking up in strange places, not knowing what's going on)
Trying to deal with the stress of what he is doing from a distance was too much for my weak and pathetic codependent self. I feel sooooo unbelievably weak. I set these boundaries and I've failed myself.
Now here I am, back in the chaos that is our life now. I have been up all night, chasing him. I haven't eaten; the stress is too much and severely affects my appetite. I am not healthy being around him. I am constantly in tears of despair or anger.

But I lost someone.. A very close friend to an opiate addiction last year, May 17. I do not think I am capable of losing the man I love to this disease. He is walking such a thin line, he is dancing with death every single day. I came back because part of me thinks if I'm here, he won't die. Even though the rational part of me knows it could happen regardless.
He has lost even more weight in the past week. He is incoherent much of the time, and attempting to TALK about anything with him is next to impossible.
I am nothing but a
Nag
Goof
C**t
B***h
Stupid f***** b****
You name it, I hear it 100 times a day.
Simply bringing up his addiction in any way at all, to him, it's "talking down to him" or "trying to start a fight"
I learned here from SR that an addict wil do whatever it takes to "protect" their addiction. He chooses his beloved heroin over me every morning and every night and I am helpless in watching it kill him.
opiates have truly robbed his soul, and taken the light from my life. That is what he used to be, and now he brings me nothing but darkness.

Thanks to all who read my posts.
Sometimes I feel like an idiot for sticking around for so long. I just love K so much, with every ounce of my being and I would do anything to save him. I miss my boyfriend. I hate this heroin IMPOSTER.

Problem is there is nothing I can do.
:'(

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug.

Sweetie, the guy you loved is gone and it doesn't sound like he wants to come back or even can at this point.

Read your last sentence...that's the whole truth of it right there.

You never, ever should be spoken to that way. Ever. There are no reasons or excuses that justify it.

You deserve to be loved and cherished.

mkr86

Aries, thank you.
This is all just so overwhelmingly difficult.

Today I have come to SR in hopes of figuring out a way to truly accept my situation with my addict boyfriend and learn how to move forward in the best way for myself

Ariesagain

Here is your first post...three years and nine months ago...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nd-addict.html

You've lost all of this time enslaved to his addiction...what about you? What are your hopes for [I]your[I] one and only precious life?

Only you can say when enough is enough.

mkr86

It's totally crazy to think how long I've been trapped in this.
I will be 27 this August. Since 2010/11 I have not put myself first. All of my previous goals for myself, hopes & dreams... Personal responsibilities... All fell by the wayside. Now I feel almost guilty, and quite frankly UNABLE to put myself first. I've been living this way for so long that I don't even know how to do anything for myself, I mean I haven't completely let go of myself and my responsibilities. I just mean that nothing to do with ME and MY happiness ever comes first. .... Or at all.
I feel like a shell of a person I used to be. Who is that girl & where did she go?
I dropped out of university six years ago, I can thank my previous abusive relationship. and shortly after I met my current BF and so The story goes.

I need to regain control ....

Bekindalways

Big hug to you Mkr. This sounds beyond painful.

It sounds like you might need more support. Perhaps you have already tried but I have to ask: Alanon? Naranon? Counseling? Have you read Codependent No More?

There are some things we just can't do on our own. Many alcoholic/addicts need AA. We codies need support too to overcome our person-addiction.

May all the angels hover over you beautiful woman!!! Keep posting and let us know how we can support you.

mkr86

Thank you Bekindalways

I feel like I am losing my mind. I have not tried meetings, I have been to a counsellor in the past (2010) after a severe physical assault from then BF. it was domestic violence counselling, however it felt really good talking to that person from what I can remember. I feel like that was a life time ago...
I have read parts of codependant no more but need to get my own copy.
I have been thinking lately about going to talk to a counsellor again, but my life is always so hectic.... I am so caught up in abf's life and trying to keep him
A) alive (or so I like to think)
Or B) out of jail (I can pretend I have control over this too)
It's like I can fully admit and understand the extent of my codependency, I just can't figure out how to deal with it. Letting go of him seems frickin impossible. I feel like my life would have no meaning, as insane as it sounds.
I have a form of OCD ... High anxiety ... And honestly lately I'm thinking depression too. I am tired all the time, even though I sleep a lot. I just feel so mentally and emotionally drained it literally makes me sleepy. My life is so out of control, and I can't even imagine what would happen if I lost him.

I feel weak. And powerless. But thank you to everyone for your kindness and words of support. It is appreciated immensely, much love.

Bekindalways

Mkr, please try to get to a meeting. Some of us are truly as addicted/sick as the addicts we love. I don't know if this is you but it was me.

Some people can do it on their own but it doesn't sound like you can. Also find a doctor and tell her what you are telling us. Unfortunately none of the above is a guaranteed help but it is so worth a try.

Again many many hugs and warm fuzzies to you!!!!

sunny053

Hi Mkr, I agree with the above posts...as much as you might be busy and have loads of things going on, I think it really would be helpful to see a counsellor. It sounds as though you've been largely dealing with this on your own, and it's all a huge weight to bear by yourself. A counsellor may be able to help you with coping strategies and unpacking the truth about who you are as a person and the real reasons these things may have been happening to you for such a long time. Even just talking to someone who is reassuring and re-affirming of your thoughts and feelings can make such a huge difference!

You're young. You sound like you have so much kindness and love to give to the right person one day, but for now you need to start to love yourself first. I know exactly how you feel in terms of the worry for his safety. My addict ex almost died a few weeks ago and my first instinct was to panic and ask, how do I save him from that? What can I do and what should I have done? But I realised there was only so much I could do. I understand you wanting to be there purely for the fact that you don't want him to die, if not for anything else. Do what you can for him, but not at the expense of yourself. You can't save him, and it's a horrible thing to be afraid of but at the end of the day it's up to him. Grieve what you have lost - the good times, the man you loved, the joy you shared - and start to re-build and learn to love and be yourself again.

Wishing you the best of luck, hang in there xx

Bekindalways

^^^^^ This!! And we all know how hard it is to do!