How do you mourn something that didn't exist?
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How do you mourn something that didn't exist?
Today has been a very long, bad day, feel myself being pulled back and under. I am thanking goodness I have a session tomorrow afternoon. I feel paralyzed by sadness and haven't done much today.
I miss my dog so much. I miss feeling like I have my own family, even if it wasn't 100% true at the time. I miss feeling like I belong somewhere. Coming home to an empty home sucks... it felt better to at least come home to SOMEONE, even if they weren't really there (if that makes sense).
I wish I didn't hate him so much. I wish I didn't see who he really was. I wish I had had more self respect for myself. I wish I had put myself first more often.
I wish I would've been taught what "this" would've looked like... no one told me that it was going to look and feel like love... that I wasn't going to know the difference until it was over. The loneliness is really bad today. I had to tell someone. Thanks for listening
I miss my dog so much. I miss feeling like I have my own family, even if it wasn't 100% true at the time. I miss feeling like I belong somewhere. Coming home to an empty home sucks... it felt better to at least come home to SOMEONE, even if they weren't really there (if that makes sense).
I wish I didn't hate him so much. I wish I didn't see who he really was. I wish I had had more self respect for myself. I wish I had put myself first more often.
I wish I would've been taught what "this" would've looked like... no one told me that it was going to look and feel like love... that I wasn't going to know the difference until it was over. The loneliness is really bad today. I had to tell someone. Thanks for listening
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Hi Expanding,
I'm incredibly sorry for what you are feeling. Life is not fair. What you're describing is how I have been feeling this past week or so. I am in a slightly different scenario, although I am very aware of how close I am to truly not having him anymore. AH is leaving a detox facility soon. This is his second go. For some reason this second go 'round felt much MUCH lonelier than the first. I never knew how debilitating loneliness is.
I had this exact thought many times the past few days. Although I always went to bed alone, I still knew I would feel him laying beside me whenever he did make it home.... What is comforting about that? Who knows. But I understand what you are feeling.
It is a shock to the system when the life we've known and grown accustomed to is gone in what feels like an instant. That life "going" paves the way for a new life. You may not feel like living it right now, and that is ok. Your body and spirit need time to adjust, heal, and regroup. I think that is what is happening for you. Slowly you will really realize you have control now. You could do whatever you want. It will come. You can do this. And, really, you're not alone.
I'm incredibly sorry for what you are feeling. Life is not fair. What you're describing is how I have been feeling this past week or so. I am in a slightly different scenario, although I am very aware of how close I am to truly not having him anymore. AH is leaving a detox facility soon. This is his second go. For some reason this second go 'round felt much MUCH lonelier than the first. I never knew how debilitating loneliness is.
Originally Posted by Expanding 
Coming home to an empty home sucks... it felt better to at least come home to SOMEONE, even if they weren't really there (if that makes sense).
It is a shock to the system when the life we've known and grown accustomed to is gone in what feels like an instant. That life "going" paves the way for a new life. You may not feel like living it right now, and that is ok. Your body and spirit need time to adjust, heal, and regroup. I think that is what is happening for you. Slowly you will really realize you have control now. You could do whatever you want. It will come. You can do this. And, really, you're not alone.
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Originally Posted by hope778
I had this exact thought many times the past few days. Although I always went to bed alone, I still knew I would feel him laying beside me whenever he did make it home.... What is comforting about that? Who knows. But I understand what you are feeling.
Originally Posted by hope778
It is a shock to the system when the life we've known and grown accustomed to is gone in what feels like an instant. That life "going" paves the way for a new life. You may not feel like living it right now, and that is ok. Your body and spirit need time to adjust, heal, and regroup. I think that is what is happening for you. Slowly you will really realize you have control now. You could do whatever you want. It will come. You can do this. And, really, you're not alone.
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E,
I am so sorry for your sadness. We have all been there so we understand. Just like an addict you take one day at a time. I know it hurts. Someone said on this forum that God does not make this easy, so we learn from our mistakes and don't make them again.
Sending hugs my friend!!
I am so sorry for your sadness. We have all been there so we understand. Just like an addict you take one day at a time. I know it hurts. Someone said on this forum that God does not make this easy, so we learn from our mistakes and don't make them again.
Sending hugs my friend!!
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Hugs to you, Expanding. I can only offer, you won't always feel like this. You have taken the necessary first step to ensure you have a happy, and healthy life.
Addicts are unavailable partners, in active addiction there is no way in hell they can be a committed , invested partner. Their priority each and everyday remains getting enough of their drug in their body , to get them thru the day. And tomorrow it will be lather, rinse, repeat.
So the bottom line , it leaves zero time to inquire about you, and how you are, or how your day went. Or to take a minute and compliment you about something you are wearing, or thank you for cooking dinner, or get off their azz and help around the house. It's all about them, selfish, selfish, selfish.
Of course there is the constant deception, and turning daily life into a battlefield. Who really needs an out of control person ranting and raving daily about some insignificant subject matter that they will have zero memory of tomorrow?
Sweets you have been in this all alone for quite sometime, you are acknowledging you deserve better, and I have to agree, you deserve so much more. Hang in there, keep posting it helps.
Addicts are unavailable partners, in active addiction there is no way in hell they can be a committed , invested partner. Their priority each and everyday remains getting enough of their drug in their body , to get them thru the day. And tomorrow it will be lather, rinse, repeat.
So the bottom line , it leaves zero time to inquire about you, and how you are, or how your day went. Or to take a minute and compliment you about something you are wearing, or thank you for cooking dinner, or get off their azz and help around the house. It's all about them, selfish, selfish, selfish.
Of course there is the constant deception, and turning daily life into a battlefield. Who really needs an out of control person ranting and raving daily about some insignificant subject matter that they will have zero memory of tomorrow?
Sweets you have been in this all alone for quite sometime, you are acknowledging you deserve better, and I have to agree, you deserve so much more. Hang in there, keep posting it helps.
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One thing axbf made sure to *always* compliment me on was my looks. He knew it bothered me, at least I think he did because I told him, but it seemed all he noticed was my body or face.
Towards the end, there was no such thing as real closeness. Sex felt mechanical... like he was just using my body, I would feel used after
then when we finally break up he tells me, "don't worry, with a body like that you'll find someone easily".
Never seemed to understand that I was a frigging PERSON with thoughts and feelings and needs... not just some pretty ornament to hang on his arm and prance around the house.... OK that took a weird turn but you know what I mean!
I remember we were arguing and when I told him it felt like he just wanted someone to cook for him and have sex with every night he said, "and what if that is what I want? What is wrong with that?"
These memories are extra painful today
Towards the end, there was no such thing as real closeness. Sex felt mechanical... like he was just using my body, I would feel used after
then when we finally break up he tells me, "don't worry, with a body like that you'll find someone easily".Never seemed to understand that I was a frigging PERSON with thoughts and feelings and needs... not just some pretty ornament to hang on his arm and prance around the house.... OK that took a weird turn but you know what I mean!
I remember we were arguing and when I told him it felt like he just wanted someone to cook for him and have sex with every night he said, "and what if that is what I want? What is wrong with that?"
These memories are extra painful today
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Sending you a hug.
My XAH was like that, too...I was a possession. His merit badge. Arm candy and she brings in a good paycheck, it must be love!
My second husband loves me for me and someday soon that will happen for you, too, I promise.
Have another hug.
My XAH was like that, too...I was a possession. His merit badge. Arm candy and she brings in a good paycheck, it must be love!
My second husband loves me for me and someday soon that will happen for you, too, I promise.
Have another hug.
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Try and remember that his meaningless words come from a mind/brain being controlled by a drug. He is not living daily life on the same level you are.
He lives in denial, he lives in anger, I still remember the man I thought ex alcoholic was, and I miss that person, but the reality is , he was exactly who he presented himself to be. Yes, he has shown you who he truly is, and it is a big and painful pill to have to swallow, but you are so much better knowing the truth than living a crazy, crazy, lie. And life with an active alcoholic is one big lie.
He lives in denial, he lives in anger, I still remember the man I thought ex alcoholic was, and I miss that person, but the reality is , he was exactly who he presented himself to be. Yes, he has shown you who he truly is, and it is a big and painful pill to have to swallow, but you are so much better knowing the truth than living a crazy, crazy, lie. And life with an active alcoholic is one big lie.
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My ex was incredibly complimentary of my looks - but when drunk very demeaning and just flat out rude, abusive, etc. When drunk I heard the same things-"feed me and f**k me"....to him, that is all I was there for. Sick, sick man. I understand, friend. It's hard to mourn something that was not really there.
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Originally Posted by Expanding
when we finally break up he tells me, "don't worry, with a body like that you'll find someone easily".
One day (soon) you will feel a little lighter. Then a little lighter still. And before you know it you will look back on this relationship, be thankful for what it taught you, and realize how far you've come since. Take it a day/moment at a time!
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Originally Posted by hope778
Sounds Narcissistic to me. I could go on for days with similar examples. Sometimes I wonder what the "outsiders" wonder... Why are you putting up with someone like that? You could do so much better... Etc Etc. Much easier said than done when feelings are involved. One day (soon) you will feel a little lighter. Then a little lighter still. And before you know it you will look back on this relationship, be thankful for what it taught you, and realize how far you've come since. Take it a day/moment at a time!
One day (soon) you will feel a little lighter. Then a little lighter still. And before you know it you will look back on this relationship, be thankful for what it taught you, and realize how far you've come since. Take it a day/moment at a time!The outsiders have no idea this was going on... and when I have told them they "don't want to choose sides"... or they don't believe me because "he is sooo nice"... "he clearly loved you"... "I don't know any guy that treats his girl as well as he treats you"....
I have been holding on so hard to my own reality.... I didn't feel loved and that is all that matters
sounds just like my ex.
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Originally Posted by Expanding
I didn't feel loved and that is all that matters
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Dear Expanding
I TOTALLY understand, about missing your dog and everything else. I left 3 dogs, numerous cats and a greenhouse full of orchids. This being a holiday makes it harder for many of us, as we used to hang out with our ex and all the animals. In my case, I drank heavily every day, including the holidays.
I came to see our life together as a long road towards death from alcoholism or tobacco, whichever came first. I don't see the point of living like that.
Try to think of your separation like a quarantine from a deadly disease. Like my friend Maia often says, we LOVE our addicts, but can't be with them unless we want to suffer from their disease.
I'm glad you reached out. Even though this is "cyber," there is a lot of good experience, strength and hope here.
I TOTALLY understand, about missing your dog and everything else. I left 3 dogs, numerous cats and a greenhouse full of orchids. This being a holiday makes it harder for many of us, as we used to hang out with our ex and all the animals. In my case, I drank heavily every day, including the holidays.
I came to see our life together as a long road towards death from alcoholism or tobacco, whichever came first. I don't see the point of living like that.
Try to think of your separation like a quarantine from a deadly disease. Like my friend Maia often says, we LOVE our addicts, but can't be with them unless we want to suffer from their disease.
I'm glad you reached out. Even though this is "cyber," there is a lot of good experience, strength and hope here.
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Originally Posted by hope778
Hi Expanding,
It is a shock to the system when the life we've known and grown accustomed to is gone in what feels like an instant. That life "going" paves the way for a new life. You may not feel like living it right now, and that is ok. Your body and spirit need time to adjust, heal, and regroup. I think that is what is happening for you. Slowly you will really realize you have control now. You could do whatever you want. It will come. You can do this. And, really, you're not alone.
It is a shock to the system when the life we've known and grown accustomed to is gone in what feels like an instant. That life "going" paves the way for a new life. You may not feel like living it right now, and that is ok. Your body and spirit need time to adjust, heal, and regroup. I think that is what is happening for you. Slowly you will really realize you have control now. You could do whatever you want. It will come. You can do this. And, really, you're not alone.
Sorry, I wasn't able to capture all the quotes with the screen grab, so I put them in quotes. Below is me responding:
I've kind of interrupted here before, and again, I hope I'm not intruding. I don't want to take away from your hurt/pain and therapeutic environment, but I also wanted to give perspective from a person struggling with alcoholism, though probably not swept up into it yet (though, I lost many things very early in my addiction).
I think the loneliness goes both ways. I, myself, being very early in the addiction stage, have had severe consequences with my husband. He has threatened to leave (and has left for a month) several times. Each time is unbearable. I don't want you to focus on the fact he is still here. Each time, it has felt like the end to me, and sometimes, especially lately, my drinking hasn't even been related.
I'm just saying, despite what person you are in the situation (alcoholic or spouse), it is devastating nonetheless. It hurts all our hearts. I wish you well.
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I don’t want you to feel like you are intruding, but worrying about what my axbf is thinking or feeling are the personal behaviors that I have been trying to stop. For far too long I put his feelings and needs above mine (along with everyone else’s).
I tried many times to get him to talk to me, the last of which ended in three hours of him going over everything I did wrong over the last 8 years, how I am such a terrible girlfriend and that is why he feels *he* deserves better.
I cannot feel much sympathy towards someone so self-centered… and after I tried for years to get him to open up. If he now feels lonely…. that is his problem and not something I can spend time thinking about if I am to recover myself. I need to put myself first and think about how I feel and am going to move forward. His loneliness is now his problem... it was always his problem but I now feel strong enough to let him deal with it himself. I cannot fix it for him, that is up to him, and me thinking about his loneliness helps no one... especially not me when I have my own loneliness to deal with
I tried many times to get him to talk to me, the last of which ended in three hours of him going over everything I did wrong over the last 8 years, how I am such a terrible girlfriend and that is why he feels *he* deserves better.
I cannot feel much sympathy towards someone so self-centered… and after I tried for years to get him to open up. If he now feels lonely…. that is his problem and not something I can spend time thinking about if I am to recover myself. I need to put myself first and think about how I feel and am going to move forward. His loneliness is now his problem... it was always his problem but I now feel strong enough to let him deal with it himself. I cannot fix it for him, that is up to him, and me thinking about his loneliness helps no one... especially not me when I have my own loneliness to deal with
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My ax does the exact same thing. I say, " it really hurt me that you.. Slammed my things around, tried to punt kick the dog, called my 7yo nephew a ******, called me an attention seeking **** nonstop for wearing yoga pants to the gas station, etc etc etc" and I'd get no apology, no remorse, more name calling and "well you told so and so about our business (his drinking two years ago) because you are a Labby mouth x,y,z".
Never their fault.
Never an apology.
Any effort (if any) was so he wouldn't be homeless or I'd have sex with him. Kinda hard to be intimate with someone that calls you names and makes fun of you all day every day right?
I understand from the previous poster (didn't copy your screen name) that it may be devastating to hear people are done with the nonsense created by your alcoholism. But it's not fair for them to suffer thru it with you as you self destruct. It's just too hard and breaks a person down. If they felt so awful they'd pick up and get back on the wagon. Instead, they have to place blame and are angry they don't get their way. The "pain" doesn't last log for them. They lash out with more of the same and somehow expect you to succumb to their wishes. They need beer money, a place to live, they need a ride, they need, need, need. Always about them. Never about to care about the destruction to those around them. Alcoholism is a selfish disease.
Advice to the OP, write down as many negative things the A has done to you while active and the down the good things (that weren't out of manipulation) while they were active. It'll put it into perspective pretty quickly that we love them for who they COULD be, not who they are. As sad and devastating as it is to admit
:hugs:
Never their fault.
Never an apology.
Any effort (if any) was so he wouldn't be homeless or I'd have sex with him. Kinda hard to be intimate with someone that calls you names and makes fun of you all day every day right?
I understand from the previous poster (didn't copy your screen name) that it may be devastating to hear people are done with the nonsense created by your alcoholism. But it's not fair for them to suffer thru it with you as you self destruct. It's just too hard and breaks a person down. If they felt so awful they'd pick up and get back on the wagon. Instead, they have to place blame and are angry they don't get their way. The "pain" doesn't last log for them. They lash out with more of the same and somehow expect you to succumb to their wishes. They need beer money, a place to live, they need a ride, they need, need, need. Always about them. Never about to care about the destruction to those around them. Alcoholism is a selfish disease.
Advice to the OP, write down as many negative things the A has done to you while active and the down the good things (that weren't out of manipulation) while they were active. It'll put it into perspective pretty quickly that we love them for who they COULD be, not who they are. As sad and devastating as it is to admit
:hugs:
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Does anyone see a pattern of alcoholis vs enablers? Same game, just different actor's. A's get drunk, enablers confront, they turn around call us out, we forgive, repeat.
We are the only ones that can stop the repeat, by not engaging. It ends with us! We get in the drivers seat.
Hugs my friends, everyday we get stronger and get our voices back. We take our life back. Then we give back to help the next group of enablers that come to this forum for help. This is God's plan. Embrace it, and soar!!!
We are the only ones that can stop the repeat, by not engaging. It ends with us! We get in the drivers seat.
Hugs my friends, everyday we get stronger and get our voices back. We take our life back. Then we give back to help the next group of enablers that come to this forum for help. This is God's plan. Embrace it, and soar!!!
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Originally Posted by Babescake
"I think the loneliness goes both ways.
The IMMENSE struggle then becomes, how long will I choose to remain in this dark lonely place while my spouse is in active addiction? Will I continue to hope for his wellbeing while every day sacrificing mine? Will I continue to spread myself so thin that I can't think straight most of the time and can barely make it past 7pm from shear mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion? Will I continue to enable by not leaving? Will I continue to pretend like our dreams that we had could really come to fruition as planned? Or do I cut ties and mourn a marriage that crashed suddenly into the ground without any warning to me?
Man. It's just not right. This is not how it was supposed to be. This is not what we promised eachother and it's not what he or I want. So then what?
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