Blondie

My AH has been home now for more then five months recovering after he was almost killed in a car crash (thus, another DUI). He started attending AA meetings a few months ago, but only because his DUI lawyer said it would look good to the judge. It seemed to help at first, but now he has started saying "there are a lot of people in these AA meetings who don't do the 12 steps and they are fine." He stopped doing the steps (he stopped at step 3 and doesn't like step 4, and if he doesn't like something, he finds an excuse not to do it).

I have done the 12 steps in al-anon (and believe me, it wasn't easy) and I still work them regularly. I found them a very necessary part of my recovery and I am wondering if they are really a necessary part of recovery for ALL individuals in al-anon or AA if they are not seeking other help as in individual counseling, etc?

Gabe

Recovery is an individual thing. What works for one person, may not work for another person. The most important thing is that someone who wants to recover finds the program that works for them. And just for the record, I haven't met a person yet who "likes" the Fourth Step.

Dust Bunny

I agree with Gabe. My H didn't like the meetings at all but has managed to stay sober for the better part of a year now. He has been doing the 4th step, though ... he just doesn't know it yet. ;-P

I suggest you continue to focus on your own recovery and (if you aren't already) pray for your H. Remember that he is in your HP's hands and that your HP has a plan for your H.
*hugs*

StandingStrong

Well, this is such a trick question for me to answer. LOL
You see....I believe that my AH could highly benefit from the AA program for many reasons. I have tried to encourage him to attend, but he won't for his own reasons (though of course, I disagree with them). However.....on that note, I have to admit that I do know of a handful of people that have stayed sober without the AA program or any program at all.
Though I think it is very rare that a person can actually be and stay sober without some sort of program, I do believe that in some instances, it is possible.

As was already mentioned, you really need to focus on YOUR recovery!!!
And though this may off the beaten track of your original post, I will admit that though I have come very very far in my own recovery, I do not and have not worked the steps in the alanon program as many of the members here have or of the members of alanon have. There is a saying that I heard once long ago, it was "Take what you want and leave the rest". This is what I have done. What I have taken has benefitted me greatly. What I didn't take is still there for if I should decide to take it but has not hurt me because I haven't.
As was stated earlier, everyone is their own individual and you have to find what works for you. But I think the real point, is that you focus on YOU. And I hope that you do that, you'll find that your life will become so much better than it is right now.

best

I slowed putting alcohol in my system some place around 20 years ago.
As best as I can remember I have been alcohol free for 16 years (fully stopped all input) No steps, just common sense and the guidance of a mentor who happen to be the treasurer of the county AA in my area. (was also my lawyer as well as my wife's uncle)
Stopping the alcohol stopped me doing the stupid things I would have done when loaded. It didn't change my attitude. The steps (finding out who I am and what is better) helped me to learn and change my attitude. (stopped me from being a dry drunk) The steps help me deal with life, show me a better way to respond to things that happen in life, help me to enjoy a better life because I now know how to deal with life in a sensable way

For me the steps I feel were more important then the stopping the input. Though without stopping the input, the steps wouldn't do much.
I found the steps (keys to living a better life) by reading and studying the bible.
I see where the steps parallel the lessons of life I learned in the bible
A few examples...
Treat others with respect
Reacting with controlled emotions keeps me out of trouble.
Letting go of selfish behaviors and thinking of others first makes for a happier life.

gelfling

Hi Blondie,

I've seen both. And personally, I feel that people that do the 12 steps have more success at continued sobriety.

My A went into rehab 17 years ago and didn't do the meetings. Therefore, he's an on again and off again dry drunk. We've done counselling together in the past and it's helped.

I didn't do the steps either. Until our son told us he was an alcoholic too. I then discovered that the only way that I was going to get through this again was to work the steps and learn all I could in regard to detachment, enabling, etc. and regain what little sanity I had left when he made his confession.

Those that I know that are doing the meetings and steps (alcoholics) seem more pleasant and more willing to lend a hand and share their experiences with someone new to the group and help them.

So, maybe a lot depends on the individual. It didn't work for us not to do the steps. I am now working them and am stuck at 4. I am scared to do it. They said the first 3 are the toughest. #4 is the scary one for me and I have no idea why.

Continue taking care of yourself. Make yourself your first priority and if therre are children involved, help them too to understand the disease. I think this is where I went wrong.

Blessings, Kathy

CDod

Hi Blondie,

17 years ago, my AH was court ordered to stop drinking and attend AA. I met him 4 years ago, and he was still sober. What I did not know (having never experienced alcoholism before) was being sober is only a small part of the disease. I recently discovered what it means to be a "dry drunk"; I had married one.

My AH had used the AA program to get sober and stay sober, but did not work the 12 steps. On June 30, 2004 he began drinking again. This only lasted for six weeks, as he found he was as far along in the disease as he was 17 years ago (had possibly progressed even further).

This time he went to a 28 day in-patient treatment center (with some STRONG encouragement from me). I attended all the lectures and groups the recovery center offered for family members during those 28 days. There, I learned that the disease (whether drinking or not) is affecting the part of the brain that affects thoughts and feelings. Now my AH has committed to working the 12-steps and is learning a new way of thinking, feeling and communicating.

I too, have questioned the neccessity of the 12-steps. I believe if the part of the brain impacted by the disease is where you think and feel, then you need a guided program that helps you identify those thoughts and feelings. At this point in time, it sounds like AA is the primary resource and program and has been successful for many people.

As for my recovery, I have attended Alanon meetings, and take the parts that I need but have not worked the 12-steps (at least not officially). I have found my own spiritual experiences that have provided a large part of my healing/recovery. I will continue to attend Alanon as my AH will continue to attend AA and work his steps, so I can understand more about his disease and how to communicate more effectively with him.

Good luck to you and your husband! This is a lifelong committment, but I feel it will be worth the work for my husband and I.

CrazyRed

I strongly agree with StandingStrong's opinion re AlAnon program! Take what you like in any order you choose, however works for you.

The Blueprint for Progress booklet on Step 4 might be helpful to you, while I found it confusing to my situation at different times myself.

Best wishes,
CR

Magichappens

The 12 steps are a guideline for change. They take us through a process to focus on ourself, seek the help of others, clean up the problems in our life, and share the process with others. They are not the only way that people can change, but the key to recovery is change. Whatever way someone chooses to do that is recovery.

Many people resist any kind of change. They don't want to do the work, or they think it will be too painful. Trying to quit an addiction, whether it be to drugs, alcohol, or other people, without replacing that addiction with healthier things doesn't work. The active addiction masks and covers up the underlying problems. Without the mask, the problems become glaring and painful. There are not many choices when anyone gets to that point. They can live with the problems (pain), begin to change the problems(recovery), or go back to masking the problems (addiction).

Each person must make the choice for themself about how they are going to deal with this. There is recovery without the 12 steps, but there is no recovery without some sort of change. Most people need a guideline. If we knew how to change, we wouldn't keep going back to our addictions.

Sooner or later, each person will find that addiction is painful enough that the alternative seems viable. The pain of changing becomes less than the pain of remaining in addiction. When that time comes, they will seek the change and begin recovery, whether it be the 12 steps or some other method.

I highly recommend the 12 step guideline, but that is because it is successful for me. I believe that some people find them difficult, if not impossible, to follow. For those, I recommend to keep searching. There are many methods out there to help us change our life. Counselling, books, programs like SMART RECOVERY, and RATIONAL RECOVERY have all been successful for different people. Change is not comfortable, and it is sometimes painful, but it is absolutely neccessary for recovery.

Hopefully soon each person will decide for themself that change is worth the discomfort and pain, because the payoff is so great. Hugs, Magic

dax

I think it is best that an alcoholic work the 12 steps but but necessary. I really do not think they are necessary in alanon. I think the alanons that work them really need them. They are usually those in very difficult situations where they can not control it. also a lot depends on your self image. I found alanon very helpful as a guide line. Maybe because my husband got and stayed sober, I did not feel an all consuming focus on alanon was important to me. I cut down to a few meeting once in awhile usually chapter 9 with my husband. But I had a huge number of friends out side the program. It was easy for me to accept that I could not control him -even sober he and my daughter are extremedly stubborn. I learned early on to be as non contolling as possible. Thus I kept my sanity.
I also feel that some who worked the steps do it but then don't really live it. My husband goes to a step meeting evry Mon night - 52 meetings for 26 years-1352 step meeting- and still he doesn't get it. He has trouble telling the truth and is in denial on many aspects of how he lives. Of course if he didn't work them, he might well have gone back to drinking. Only God knows. Those that have the steps work fore therm -great. But troo often a new comer to alanon is over pressured to work the steps. this might scare that person away. dax