FutureTrip

First post. First post to any type of forum actually, but I've been reading here for awhile and thought I'd try to get some other insight.
My husband is an active alcoholic. A few months ago everything came to a head when he passed out and left our 2 year old daughter in an extremely dangerous situation. Thank God she came to no harm but the incident removed any blinders I had left on how dire his situation had become. After a week of going back and forth with him admitting he had a problem and then being extremely defensive, he agreed to go to a 30 day in patient treatment and was very much committed to getting better. He was a stay at home dad so I took 2 months off work to care for our daughter while he was getting help. Upon completing treatment he agreed to continue out patient care and see a therapist.
After 1 great week at home I caught him drinking a beer. We talked about it and while disappointed I thought he would put in the work to get back on track. That spun into a bender weekend, him quitting out patient but swearing he was still done drinking. Over the course of the next 2 months he has hidden his drinking, lied to me over and over, drank while watching our daughter (although he is no longer a stay at home dad which was a condition once he first started drinking again). I have never been one to check up on him, spy, look for bottles, etc. I never thought he could actually lie to my face the way he has. But all of the sudden I turned into a crazy person asking him to breathe on me, looking for bottles and trying to catch him in lies. This culminated in him getting a breathalyzer to show he wasn't drinking. All it did was prove that he was. I'd ask if he drank, he said no, hand him the breathalyzer and he'd blow anywhere from .04-.2. If anything that helped me from feeling like I was going crazy and to calm down. It's now at the point that I know he's drinking fairly consistently so I don't even ask anymore and he's not allowed to watch our daughter alone. Because he goes to 1 meeting a week, isn't getting wasted like he had before and sees a therapist once a week, he feels like he's "working hard". I feel like this isn't good enough. I work full time, we spent thousands and thousands out of pocket to help him get treatment and lost 2 months wages, and I now no longer have a partner that I can rely on to be there for our daughter sober. I travel for my job and I now have to ask family to come stay with my husband and daughter because I cannot trust him to not drink while watching her. I already missed 2 big trips dealing with all of this and I am pretty much the sole income.
Where it stands now is I go about my life, pretty much don't discuss his drinking and feel stuck. It's as if he's just waiting for life to go back to "normal". He wants to just have regular conversations, go about his day, drink under cover and not talk about it. I can't pretend that way, I can't act as if everything is OK. So once our daughter is put to bed, I pretty much keep to myself.
I'm going to see a therapist soon for help for me. Currently, even if he were to magically get sober I feel like he's done so much damage, disrespected me and my daughter so much and showed so little thought that I just want out. While my daughter is young enough to not remember this time, I can't imagine continuing on until he finally "gets it" and decides to put in the work. How does "staying on my side of the street" work when it means not being able to trust him, not having an equal partner and letting him just pretend everything is OK because he's not supposedly wasted? I don't want to put in years only to have the same outcome but now with a little girl who remembers her parent's divorce as it happens.
He by no means wants a divorce and has no idea I am thinking this. My fear is once I tell him he will "recommit" and we will go through this whole process again with the same outcome.
Any thoughts on this situation are greatly appreciated.
Btw, I have attended a few Alanon meetings and they didn't seem like the right fit for me at this point. Maybe I'll try again in the future.

Hawkeye13

Doesn't sounds like he is ready to quit
I would act in your and your daughter's best interest at this point
and assume he isn't going to stop.
Take whatever action is appropriate for you--
Sounds cold, but you cannot force him to stop nor control his drinking.
Take care of you and let him deal with his own fallout

So sorry this has happened

ItsViolet

Totally agree with Hawkeye.

Doing some reading about living with an alcoholic could help. Trying some other types of meetings could also help you take care of yourself, gain some coping strategies, and learn from others' experience. I used to think that Al-Anon was the only option but there are other programs that go over some of the same concepts. I wish I'd known sooner about ACOA.

Smartrecovery offers helpful solution-oriented Friends and Family meetings online through smartrecovery.org. There's also ACOA (adult children of alcoholics/dysfunctional families) if you grew up with an alcoholic parent or otherwise dysfunctional family, and CODA (codependents anonymous).

FeelingGreat

Welcome FT. You have a fairly clear picture of your situation, whereas your AH is completely delusional. If you tell him you want out, he possibly will go on a 'recovery' binge, but it would take a long period of sobriety for you to ever trust him again. The lying is part of alcoholism. I've had my sister flatly deny she was drunk when she could hardly stand up. I still can't get my head around it.

It would ease your situation if in the long term you work on the assumption that he's not sober or can't be trusted for at least a year, even if he is. Make your plans as if he isn't a factor in your planning. Organise permanent child care on that assumption, and work out how you can manage your job around being a single parent (sorry I know it's not a pleasant reality).

If you do decide to separate, accept that he may try hard to recover, but that's his business, not yours. I suggest you start documenting everything if you haven't done so already, because there will be the possibility of custody issues, especially as he's in denial. Keep it factual and to the point, but build up a record of his behaviour.

If he's serious and successful at recovery it will become obvious over time, but it may be away from your marriage.

dandylion

FutureTrip......just because he might decide to "recommit"......doesn[t mean that you are necessarily obligated to "go through the whole process again".
You get to decide what action you want to take...based on what is best for you and your daughter...not what you feel obligated to do to appease him......

dandylion

FutureTrip

Thank you for your comments. FG, your thoughts are right on target. Looking at it as if I can't trust him for a year, even if he is clean and sober, is helpful. His defense over the last few months is that I'm not supporting him and I'm too angry. My response is always what is there to support?? He is sweeping it all under the rug! And he hasn't given me a chance to breathe let alone get over each incident of lies and drinking I come across. One of the biggest issues is that he has little money, we live in an extremely expensive area and have no family near by for either of us to lean on. When I tell him to leave, I have no idea what he would do or go. He doesn't even have a car, we share 1 car and it's in my name. I understand this is his problem made from his choices, but we are still married and I'm not sure how much support to give him in that regard. It all makes my head spin. And of course he doesn't even think about all of this. He's just trying his hardest to pretend that everything is OK.

Lilro

Of course he doesn't want a divorce, why would he? He gets to do what he wants to do and has you to monetarily support him and his lifestyle. What do you want? He has already made it clear that he cannot be trusted to look after your child while you are working. He has also made it clear that he is going to continue to drink regardless of how much damage it is doing to you, your daughter and your marriage.
Sounds to me like you have some major decisions to make. As far as support? Maybe you can give him some money to secure a rental and leave the rest up to him. He is a grown man, I think it's time he steps up to the plate, no? If he doesn't? Well, that's on him.
Keep posting FT. We are here for you.
Ro

FeelingGreat

hi again FT. Prolonging your marriage because he (a grown man) can't look after himself is unsustainable in the long term.
If you're serious about ending your marriage, or at least separation, I suggest you seek legal help to you know your obligations.
He was previously a house-husband, but now in theory there's nothing stopping him getting a job and supporting himself. You may have to draw up an agreement about limited support until he sets himself up.
At the moment your arrangements aren't helping him, or placing any onus on him to help himself, so putting it back on him may be the best chance he has.

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug.

I second the idea of getting some legal advice on your options, particularly in terms of custody and visitation. If there is some official record of how his drinking endangered your baby, that may help you.

Your first responsibility is to your child and to yourself.

maia1234

Ft,
I am sorry for all the pain he is causing you. Alcoholics are just that, alcoholics, and they drink. Until he chooses to stop drinking he wont. He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do, so it's your problem. How much more can you take. We can not love the addiction out of our addicts.

Some addicts need to hit rock bottom to finally see the light, but from what u r saying I don't think he is anywhere near rock bottom. He no longer tends to the baby, he has a roof over his head and food on the table. You arent talking to him so no one is ragging at him, life is pretty good. Us enablers take pretty good care of our addicts, why would they want to change. We threaten stuff and never follow through so our word means nothing.

I think u need to hit some alanon meetings, open aa meeting, keep reading all over this forum and educate your self about this horrific disease. Go and read the forum from adult children growing up in an alcoholic home. Go and read the new to recovery forum, and alcoholism forum. This will help you make the right choices.

It is progressive as you have seen it will get worse. Once you educated yourself, you can make the smart decisions about what is best for you and your daughter. Sending hugs my friend. It may take some time, but the two of you will be ok, no guarantees for him.

FutureTrip

Thank you for all the support. I truly appreciate it. I have what is probably a ridiculous question, but it keeps spinning in my head so I might as well put it out there to see it in black and white. Even if he IS just having a beer here and there, a few times a week, (although i think its more than that) this is OK for me to say that's not good enough, right? It's a progressive disease and he's just playing with fire. And lying about it on top of it all. I feel so much guilt over all of this, over HIS decisions and denial which is ridiculous. We have been together a long time, 13 years in total, 5 years married. That's a lot to walk away from but at the same time I know him well enough to know that he isn't someone who can deal with things that are hard work, like getting sober.
I'll also add he did get a job a few weeks ago so at least he's working and out of the house but his paycheck doesn't even cover the astronomical cost of our daughter's monthly daycare I've had to put her in because of all this.

dandylion

FutureTrip......YES, it is O.K. for you to say that you will not live with an alcoholic that is not in recovery.....(a few beers means that he is NOT in recovery).
You already know what living with an unrecovered alcoholic will do to your life and the life of your child....and, you do get to decide what you will live with and not live with.
****Remember, that he is never going to agree with you on this.....so, just understand that taking care of yourself and your child is more important than his agreement.

I do think that alanon can really help you with this challenge.....

dandylion

maia1234

FT,
Great question!!

We understand that you love your husband, as we all love our addicts. Alcoholism is progressive as you just said. Today is one beer, next week its two and so on. He has no control over his addiction. I read on the alcoholism forum a while back that alcoholics would step over a dead body for a drink. This is what you are dealing, its very powerful.

Look at your situation, your husband passed out leaving your child in his care. If he could control his addiction would he choose to do that? NO, he has no control. I understand it is hard to grasp.

Don't be like me, I wasted half my life with an alcoholic. I was with my axh for 34 years, 26 married. I put up with so much, you couldn't even imagine. I finally realized that I could not fix him or put out every fire that he kept on creating. I had to get out of this marriage alive. He was not going to die from this disease on my "watch". I divorced him 1 1/2 years ago.

My life is so calm and boring. I sleep, which I hadn't for over 30 years. I am happy, my kids are accepting of what I had to do. Don't get me wrong, I still love my axh, but I could no longer allow active addiction in my home any longer. I am sad about not being with him, but when I see what a train wreck he still is, I thank God everyday that he got me out of there.

You are an enabler and you are worried about him. Start worrying about you and your child. That is your priority. You daughter deserves one healthy parent and it sure isn't going to be Dad. They say God will take care of each and every addict that reaches out for his help. Hugs my friend, keep asking the good questions.

FutureTrip

This is such a good reminder for me. I think I try to get his buy in on my decisions which is crazy because why would he agreed to me leaving and him being left to figure it out on his own? I did the same thing with putting our daughter in daycare, spending time convincing him it was the right thing vs. knowing it was and just making the call. It led to him actually believing that we were doing it for her socialization instead of because he was no longer fit to watch her and provide a safe environment.
Thank you for your insight.

sauerkraut

"His defense over the last few months is that I'm not supporting him and I'm too angry."

Unfortunately I think many of us here have heard words to that effect. See how he's turning it back on you--that you are the one creating the problem?

You might want to look at some of the stickies on disengagement. Arguing with crazy doesn't work and, in my experience, escalates the anger and the drinking.

FutureTrip

Writing all of this here has definitely been cathartic for me and helped me get outside of my head and look at the facts. Thank you to all of you.
I leave for a work trip in a couple days and his mother is coming down to pretty much just be a responsible adult in the household for the nights since our daughter is in daycare during the day. Out of the blue today my husband announces he's going to go to a few meetings this week, first time in over a month, and meet with his sponsor to work on the 4th step. Oh, really?!?? What a coincidence this coincides with your mother being in town! His mother is extremely naive in all of this. When we told her he was going to rehab she was in absolute shock. She's trying her best to understand, but she doesn't understand how dire the situation is and I think buys, to some extent, my husband telling her things are going well and he's going to start working twice as hard. I'm actually very nervous about leaving the two of them for him to give his edited view on things but nothing I can do about it. Actually, now I worry she could be reading this forum! Oh well.
If anything this trip can't come soon enough to give me a break and some time to myself.
Thanks for listening!

minime13

Lying and manipulation, as well as placing blame, are survival skills learned by the alcoholic to protect his or her addiction. Looking through his past - all of the issues that have risen up over alcohol - if he were able to control it, wouldn't he have already done this?

I read the newcomers to recovery a lot when I first came to this board. These stories are eye opening. It may help you answer a few questions of your own here and there, and there's also a lot of reality from those who are taking the steps toward recovery. They really helped me get more of a first-person understanding.

And yes, writing, talking - getting things out is very cathartic. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, but you've found a great board to seek out support, as well as find an enormous amount of education on the subject.

FeelingGreat

Your question about him having a beer now and then is a good one. As a recovered A, I can say from personal experience that we either have to give up altogether or any period of moderation gradually escalates into full on drinking. Our brains just operate that way.

There may be people here and there who can moderate, but for an A it's a constant battle. I think your husband is an A because he drank at highly inappropriate times, putting his child in danger, and hides his drinking. That's well over the line.

The other point is that he lies readily about drinking and how much he's drunk, so you can't trust him. If he's still having the odd beer going to AA means almost nothing.

I'm guessing it's not just his mother coming that's got him putting on a big show of recovery; he's probably sensed that you're close to making a decision about your marriage so he's pulling out all stops to get you to change your mind.

Remember, if he's drinking, even the odd beer, he's not in recovery.

caretaker88

I don't have much to add to what has already been said, but I would like to comment on something you said. You made the comment that you are worried that your mother-in-law may be on this site. I would say "great"! Then she has some sort of inkling that her son is an alcoholic.

When I left my ex-husband, who was not an alcoholic, but completely absent-minded and irresponsible, I felt like a weight had been lifted. This was because I would constantly worry that he was going to forget to pick up the kids or that they had some sort of activity to go to, or doctor's appointment, etc. When I left, I became solely responsible for them, which actually made things easier. I also felt like I no longer had an adult "child" I needed to care for, as well as my children.

This is much the same as my current relationship with XABF. I am finally moving out of his house in 2 days. When I realized the finality of this decision, I was both saddened and excited. I love him with all of my heart, but the truth is, I didn't love myself when I was with him, and because of this, I was blind to the damage that was being done to my boys. When the fog lifted, I felt a huge sense of relief, along with many other feelings that accompany grief. It is hard, but it is what is best for me and is imperative to the well-being of my children. I regret the way things turned out, but I have never regretted my decision to leave.

redatlanta

My goodness there certainly are many people who are putting themselves out so this alcoholic can continue to drink! You miss 2 business trips. Family has to come in town to monitor the alcoholic and take care of your child. You have to put out money for daycare now which costs more than what the A makes in a month. Now that mommy is heading in he conveniently decides he will be going to more meetings and working on step 4? It's not funny, but I did laugh when I read that.

Forget about the length of the marriage and the emotional stuff for a minute. Look the broad picture. You are missing business trips, you are the breadwinner and YOUR job is being affected by the alcoholic. Family must come to take care of your child because the alcoholic cannot be trusted to. The alcoholic is costing you a lot of money.

How many trips can you miss before you have problems at work?

How long can you count on family to be inconvenienced to babysit your husband?

How much money are you willing to hemorrhage so the A can drink?

This is your reality. Eventually missing trips is going to cause problems at work. Eventually family won't be able to come to babysit. Eventually your bank account will keep going lower.

There is no commitment here to sobriety. Going to a few meetings is nothing g more than a "hall pass" to get you off his back, and have something to argue with you about that he is "trying". He is trying, trying to have his cake and eat it too. Trying to fool you, blame you, and get his way.

No thanks!!!!