Struggling, need encouragement
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Struggling, need encouragement
I've never needed this forum more. I have alienated everyone in my life with my alcoholic lies and manipulation. I really have nothing to live for. It's a beautiful day here but I have no one to spend it with. I just went for a long walk and seeing everyone out having fun with friends and family made me feel so lonely.
I'm not going to drink but the hopelessness I feel is really challenging me. I have attention deficit disorder so fixing my life just seems impossible. my therapist stopped working with me because I can't pay her money I owe. When your own therapist wants nothing to do with you then that really says something.
I've been depressed, entertaining suicidal thoughts. I just can't go on like this. Everyone in my life has abandoned me.
I'm not going to drink but the hopelessness I feel is really challenging me. I have attention deficit disorder so fixing my life just seems impossible. my therapist stopped working with me because I can't pay her money I owe. When your own therapist wants nothing to do with you then that really says something.
I've been depressed, entertaining suicidal thoughts. I just can't go on like this. Everyone in my life has abandoned me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
I know the climb out of this must seem really hard right now.
Look around you on SR. This is a place of lives rebuilt and there's absolutely every reason yours can be one of them. You have a lot to live for but Rome won't be built in a day. One of the things I've told folks here on SR is to give yourself the gift of time and patience as you recreate your life in sobriety.
I think you wrote that you went to AA. Keep going. Chances are, someone there will know of counseling resources available to you when money is in short supply.
Look around you on SR. This is a place of lives rebuilt and there's absolutely every reason yours can be one of them. You have a lot to live for but Rome won't be built in a day. One of the things I've told folks here on SR is to give yourself the gift of time and patience as you recreate your life in sobriety.
I think you wrote that you went to AA. Keep going. Chances are, someone there will know of counseling resources available to you when money is in short supply.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 215
Hey, I'm from Toronto too and I'm in the exact same position. My specialist therapist stopped seeing me, then a psychiatrist told me just to wait 20 years, and I may find my symptoms improve 
. I felt angry, hopeless, abandoned, and lost, still do. I told my rehab councilor I wanted to go back to my ex-therapist with the intent of causing harm, which wasn't smart.
I've pretty much been hated among the hated for my entire life, so I can't offer advice as far as friends go. I've discovered there are very few people with my disorder I can actually get along with.
Anyway, I can relate to what you're feeling. Booze will just bring out those suicidal thoughts even more though. I hope you don't go that way.
. I felt angry, hopeless, abandoned, and lost, still do. I told my rehab councilor I wanted to go back to my ex-therapist with the intent of causing harm, which wasn't smart. I've pretty much been hated among the hated for my entire life, so I can't offer advice as far as friends go. I've discovered there are very few people with my disorder I can actually get along with.
Anyway, I can relate to what you're feeling. Booze will just bring out those suicidal thoughts even more though. I hope you don't go that way.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Hi there. Sounds like a really tough day and I'm sorry to hear.
Right now everything feels like it's the lowest right? Think about this. Is it realistic that your therapist wants nothing to do with you? Sadly, although they do care they also have to make a living and that means getting paid. I'm sure it bothered them to have to let you go too.
I see that you attended AA, no dues or fees there. Is that a possibility. Hang close to here. There's always someone reading posts.
Big virtual hug coming your way!
Right now everything feels like it's the lowest right? Think about this. Is it realistic that your therapist wants nothing to do with you? Sadly, although they do care they also have to make a living and that means getting paid. I'm sure it bothered them to have to let you go too.
I see that you attended AA, no dues or fees there. Is that a possibility. Hang close to here. There's always someone reading posts.
Big virtual hug coming your way!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
On May 24th you posted that you had had an epiphany. What happened to that thinking? Can you go back a few days, think about where you were and what got you there?
Happiness is a choice and takes action. It helps me to develop a daily plan based around taking care of myself, my home and my child. I must not pity myself. I'm where I am because of my choices. I have to pull myself up, with the help of others in my shoes.
Your therapist didn't abandon you. You owe her/him money. You're not being victimized you're simply not holding up your end of the deal. Question your thinking, challenge self pity. You can do this but you have to want to.
Happiness is a choice and takes action. It helps me to develop a daily plan based around taking care of myself, my home and my child. I must not pity myself. I'm where I am because of my choices. I have to pull myself up, with the help of others in my shoes.
Your therapist didn't abandon you. You owe her/him money. You're not being victimized you're simply not holding up your end of the deal. Question your thinking, challenge self pity. You can do this but you have to want to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I know it was my own selfish behaviour that got me here. I'm just so far down in a rut that I can't function. Thanks for your replies. my isolation and loneliness leaves me unable to get out of my head so SR is a lifeline. I'm going to an AA meeting later
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Wastinglife - I'm really glad you wanted to talk about this. I think most of us have felt the awful emptiness & regret from our drinking. It won't stay like this forever - but I know that's a small comfort right now. I hope you'll keep posting - you're never alone.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Hoping to hear more from you. I remember that depressive rut. Then I started going to meetings. At first they were a time filler. I read my big book. Just to pass the time. Slowly I made acquaintances. People would come to me after meetings just to see how I was doing. Not just about drinking but life issues.
Fast forward 5 years, I also discovered SMART Recovery and loved their meetings so much I'm now a facilitator. In fact I was in one of their first classes. Now I'm taking their new intensive training courses. I'm going back to school to become a Paralegal. I'm studying Arabic at college. And on two weeks I'll be going to my old AA stomping grounds (I've moved to the city next door) to celebrate in their monthly birthday dinner. I can't wait to see my old friends there.
Life gets better, but even today it's one step at a time. I'm no farther from a drink than you are.
Take care
Shock
Fast forward 5 years, I also discovered SMART Recovery and loved their meetings so much I'm now a facilitator. In fact I was in one of their first classes. Now I'm taking their new intensive training courses. I'm going back to school to become a Paralegal. I'm studying Arabic at college. And on two weeks I'll be going to my old AA stomping grounds (I've moved to the city next door) to celebrate in their monthly birthday dinner. I can't wait to see my old friends there.
Life gets better, but even today it's one step at a time. I'm no farther from a drink than you are.
Take care
Shock
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
Shortly before I resigned from my last job in a large corporation, I had the pleasure of getting to know a new hire who shared her story with me while on a work trip.
She could somehow sense I was in crisis.
She told me that 14 years ago, when she'd decided to get sober, she had to wear an ankle bracelet, was constantly getting evicted from apartments and in her darkest hour, nearly froze to death on the side of the road in a Wisconsin winter when she passed out.
This is a woman with a mensa level IQ, mind you.
Now, in her 50s, she is a high earning executive who while she got sober managed to put herself through college to obtain not only her bachelors degree but also an MBA. She worked two jobs to accomplish this (and has debt of course but that's another story ugh).
Anyway, my point is - the first step to crawling out of the pit is sobriety. Seriously. You can do this. It is NEVER TOO LATE to change your life!!!
She could somehow sense I was in crisis.
She told me that 14 years ago, when she'd decided to get sober, she had to wear an ankle bracelet, was constantly getting evicted from apartments and in her darkest hour, nearly froze to death on the side of the road in a Wisconsin winter when she passed out.
This is a woman with a mensa level IQ, mind you.
Now, in her 50s, she is a high earning executive who while she got sober managed to put herself through college to obtain not only her bachelors degree but also an MBA. She worked two jobs to accomplish this (and has debt of course but that's another story ugh).
Anyway, my point is - the first step to crawling out of the pit is sobriety. Seriously. You can do this. It is NEVER TOO LATE to change your life!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: 45th Parallel, Michigan
Posts: 816
More support and encouragement from me, too! I have friends, but rarely see them. The people I "see" the most are right here on SR; I too consider it a lifeline, and I use the crap out of it! I'm very glad you're here...Arp
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I've been thinking along these lines today:
Renew, rebalance, rebuild, reclaim, rekindle, recharge.
All of the above are definitely possible; one step at a time. I tend to get ahead of myself now and then and feel frustrated because I am not quite where I want to be (yet). So I just tell myself to slow down and concentrate on the next right step. Step by step by step. That's how it's done. You took some good steps today, friend. Hang in there!
Renew, rebalance, rebuild, reclaim, rekindle, recharge.
All of the above are definitely possible; one step at a time. I tend to get ahead of myself now and then and feel frustrated because I am not quite where I want to be (yet). So I just tell myself to slow down and concentrate on the next right step. Step by step by step. That's how it's done. You took some good steps today, friend. Hang in there!
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