How did I get here

Old 05-27-2016, 06:37 PM
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How did I get here

Hello. I am new to this site and to this experience. I have not heard from nor seen my bf in 24 hours. He is an addict and I am trying to understand what that means for me. We've been together 6 months and this is the 3rd time he has disappeared. This is the longest time. I know he used in the past for years before we ever met but he was clean. I don't know what has caused him to relapse, only he can answer that. I guess my question is how do I stop myself from going crazy with worry? I've driven around looking for him with no luck. I couldn't sleep last night, I was up looking out the window praying he would come home. Tonight will be a repeat. How do you cope with the not knowing and when he does show up what do I do? I'm so angry at him for doing this to himself and to us but I love him and I want to help him, I just don't know how. Any advice is much appreciated.
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Old 05-27-2016, 08:06 PM
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that's a lot of turmoil for a relationship that hasn't come near the ONE year mark!?

i'm glad you are here and i am so sorry for what you are going thru. he's doing what he does..........you just haven't been around long enough to see it.
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Old 05-27-2016, 08:10 PM
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I remember the first time my husband didn't come home all night, we were only married for two weeks. It was so painful, I was in agony, I couldn't sleep and when I did finally sleep a little I had vivid nightmares about him. Finally at 3am he decided to come home. By then I was so angry. Eventually he confessed to using meth (I didn't yet know he had past drug problems). He promised it would never happen again and I forgave him.
Well it did happen again....7 times in two months of marriage. That's not counting all the other times he came home at 11pm 12am 2am etc.
After two months of marriage I kicked him out and he basically lived on the streets up until he recently was arrested and spent almost 50 days in jail. During that time he called me, wrote me letters and persuaded and promised his way back into my life. He sounded like the man I first fell in love with and we were going to live "happily ever after"
It took seven days of being back together as a married couple living under the same roof for him to hug and kiss me goodbye one day as he was heading out for a job interview and never come back home.. Of course days later he wants to come home but I'm finally learning my lesson. I don't want a partner who is MIA. I want a partner who WANTS to come home to me. I deserve that. You deserve that.
I know what it feels like to love somebody with every inch of your soul and to want so badly for them to stop hurting you so you can be together happy and healthy forever. It hurts so badly to not get that in return. I'm dealing with that pain now.
I keep thinking of a quote I like that says "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the FIRST time"
I wish I would of listened to that sooner. It would of saved me a lot of heartache
I hope the absolute best for you. YOU deserve it!
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Old 05-27-2016, 10:28 PM
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Welcome Kersyn and so glad you found us. Although I'm very sorry for what brings you here.

As Queenbee and Anvil have already said, this is what addicts do. You may expect the disappearances to be a regular occurrence with this man.

Most of us here found we were not happy in a relationship like this and got out (Yep sleepless nights, wondering if they are dead, anger when you finally learn they are okay.) Please think carefully about what you want for yourself.

And I know that this is a super, super glow-in-the-dark painful decision to have to make.

Please keep posting and let us know how we can help.
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Old 05-28-2016, 05:57 AM
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Hey Kersyn. Welcome to the board. Im new too and suggest reading the stickies at the top of the forum. Addiction is brutal and doesnt go away. Even if he goes and gets help (which is a choice only he can make and even then is typically followed by relapse over and over again.) For the rare few addicts who actually stay clean its constant work as one slip up and they are back to square one. My ex addict bf is newly clean but the damage they cause while in active addiction is really hard to deal with emotionally. Do u want a lifetime of this? If the answer is no i suggest walking away. Read the stories of other spouses...its heartbreaking. As much as I love my addict I had to go No Contact for my own sanity. And it hasnt been easy. Ive slipped up but got back on it and it really does help. There is one sticky called What Addicts Do. Its something i read over and over again to stay strong. Ur relationship isnt healthy when one of u is in active addiction. Its impossible and while i hate to say this it will only get worse. Either way its ur choice and im here if u need to talk to someone. Hugs. Xoxo
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Old 05-29-2016, 07:51 PM
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Thank you for replying. Unfortunately he has not come home yet. I have moments of anger and fear and sadness. I am praying that tonight is the night he reaches out to me. I've been in contact with his mother and son. He is not taking calls from anybody. I've given a lot of thought to what the future holds for us and I honestly cannot make that decision right now. Emotionally I am too unstable for that. He was clean for so long, he was doing so well.
Again, I thank you all for the insight.
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Old 05-29-2016, 08:57 PM
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Hey Kersyn, I remember those days of wondering where the heck he was. Not fun!

You might give Alanon a try. It isn't for everyone but works for some. What you are going through is so super tough that it would be good for you to have as much support as possible.
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Old 05-30-2016, 08:53 PM
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I feel your pain. The worrying is what I hate the most. "just answer your phone and let me know you're ok" goes through my mind every day. Addicts feel ashamed about what they're doing ... Especially after a relapse. But they are also making the conscious decision to continue to use. They know what they are doing. It's very hard to deal with .... I try to take deep breaths and take a hot bath to get drowsy. Sleep is about all that cures my worry when he doesn't come home and is un reachable. I'm sorry you're going through this.
This board has helped me so much, and if you take the time to read around it will really help you too. The support here is amazing. Stay up, and be strong. Much love
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Old 05-31-2016, 01:25 AM
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He finally answered my call today and he is home now. I had never seen him high before, I only saw the crash. He was so paranoid it was unreal. Convinced the police were everywhere and was going to take him away. Took about 2 hours of my holding him and now he is asleep and I am wide awake. Relieved and terrified at the same time. Unfortunately I have to go to work tomorrow but I suspect he will sleep most of the day ( I will take his keys with me). What comes next? He used to faithfully go to NA meetings and was very involved in church. Do I suggest it or demand it? I know he needs help because there is no way he can do this on his own and I'm 100% out of my league here.
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Old 05-31-2016, 04:46 AM
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Hi Kersyn - I'm sure other people here are better suited to give advice or guide you, but I wanted to answer one thing you said. You asked if you should suggest or demand he get help. I think you can suggest, but if you demand you'd need to be ready with a consequence. If you demand and he doesn't do it, you'd need to be ready to put him out of the home and not let him back. Don't make an empty threat, whatever you do. Only demand if you're ready (and maybe you're not and I have no judgment about that) to follow through. All my best wishes to you.
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Old 05-31-2016, 06:09 AM
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Sorry for what brings you here.

Six months is early in dating. This is the time in a relationship where one determines compatibility, decides if the other person shares the same interests, values, morals. And if not, it is called off. Normal part of dating. Not sure what factors determine incompatibility for you but ask yourself, why isn't drug addiction one of them?

There are a number of women on this forum who, early in the relationship with their A, came here and asked how they can help, what they can do. Years later, many are still here. Years captive to a loved one's drug addiction. It is heartbreaking.

I hope you escape that fate.
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Old 05-31-2016, 07:03 AM
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I am very sorry for what brings you here to SR but glad you reached out for help, support and recommendations. As with any advice given here, take what you like and leave the rest.

For many of us who have dealt with loving an addict the experience is heartbreaking the worry anxiety riddled and draining us of our energy and emotions and often forgetting to worry about ourselves in that process.

6 months into a relationship and you discover he’s an addict (red flag) and this is the 3rd time he’s disappeared on you (red flag). When it comes to relationships what are your deal breakers? What is acceptable and not acceptable to you in a relationship? What are your standards?

Are you already living together? Not judging here just wondering whose name is on the lease in the event one of you has to move.

Where did he disappear to the last 2 times he went off the grid? Is there another woman in the picture that you know of or someone he gets high with on a regular basis?

Addicts don’t get high at us or do it to us, they just do what addicts do - get high, lie, manipulate us for money and support in order to keep that addiction alive. Remaining in a relationship with one will mean more disappearances, more far out stories, lies and plenty of manipulation. AT first you won't even know you are being manipulated because all of your focus is on fixing him so that the relationship can stay in tact. You will question yourself and believe all of his words even when your gut tells you not to because it's easier to just believe him in order not to fight. Lots of future baby-sitting (taking his keys away from him) spying on him, looking at his phone, checking the $ situation because your gut will constantly be telling you not to believe a word he says but your heart will hold onto each and every single word he says about wanting to get clean/sober even when his actions say something different.

This is the cycle until HE not you, does something about getting some real help for himself.

It’s always suggested that we the loved ones of addicts set firm boundaries with them. But in order to set a boundary you must first decide what unacceptable behavior to you is.

I would educate yourself as much as you can about addiction and about addict behavior. I would also educate yourself about enabling and setting healthy boundaries for yourself.

A pretty good indicator of someone’s future behavior is with their past behavior especially addicts because addiction is life long and at best the disease can go into remission with the continued hard work on the addict’s part each and every single day of their lives. And right now your bf is not in remission and may not have the same desire to be clean/sober that you do for him.

I hope you stick around and I hope you keep posting.
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Old 05-31-2016, 01:02 PM
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doggone is right. If I could go back in time 4 years and end it before it got to where I am now, I would.
It only gets worse with time, addicts either progress, or go into recovery. There is no "controlling it" like they seem to try to make us think.
4 years have passed, I could have completed my degree by now.
Instead, it's 2 PM and here I am across town on some random street picking up my ABF who passed out in his car. He left last night at 11 PM. My life has only gotten darker since I have stuck by my addicts side. It's hard and I wish the pain on nobody, although so many people on thjs board understand. You're still in the early stages of your relationship. My best advice to you is get out now before you blink your eyes and you're in my shoes. Love your self enough to walk away <3
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