New " relationship" ..... WHAT?
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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New " relationship" ..... WHAT?
Come to find out that 7 months later he's in a new relationship...
How is this possible? Why do I really care?
That's strange, I'm still dealing with this emotional mess that is me and he's with someone new. As far I know, he's still drinking so that hasn't changed.
Why do I even care about this?? You guys wanna enlighten me?
Totally nauseated,
Ro
How is this possible? Why do I really care?
That's strange, I'm still dealing with this emotional mess that is me and he's with someone new. As far I know, he's still drinking so that hasn't changed.
Why do I even care about this?? You guys wanna enlighten me?
Totally nauseated,
Ro
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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It's pretty normal to feel upset when a former partner finds someone else. It upsets our 'belief' that they should be punished, or alternatively spend the rest of their lives wishing they were back with us.
Be reassured that this feeling will pass, and whatever happens after that you'll have adapted. Concentrate on living your own life.
Be reassured that this feeling will pass, and whatever happens after that you'll have adapted. Concentrate on living your own life.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You're simply falling into the mistaken notion that loss of the relationship with you would be a huge wake-up call and that he would realize what he's doing to his life.
Nah, for him it's just same-ole, same-ole. New partner, same trainwreck.
You care, because it hurts to realize that to him you were a fungible commodity. You can UN-care, though, by realizing how you are now free to grow and build a great life for yourself. If he wants that, he has to do some hard work, himself, but he's not up for that right now.
Nah, for him it's just same-ole, same-ole. New partner, same trainwreck.
You care, because it hurts to realize that to him you were a fungible commodity. You can UN-care, though, by realizing how you are now free to grow and build a great life for yourself. If he wants that, he has to do some hard work, himself, but he's not up for that right now.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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...add to the fact that he's a guy and regardless of sobriety they move on to another relationship faster than women.
Rebound Relationship: Why Do Men Move On So Fast After A Split?
Rebound Relationship: Why Do Men Move On So Fast After A Split?
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Originally Posted by Lilro 
That's strange, I'm still dealing with this emotional mess that is me and he's with someone new.
Sparkle hit the nail on the head.
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Ro, I don't know your situation but your feelings seem totally normal to me. And fight-able, though that's not easy at times. 100% what FourOurGirls, Lexie and FeelingGreat said above.
I thought of one particular ex of mine the other day. We weren't together when I did the following but he was still a big part of my (drinking) life and completely enabled me: I cut him off. Completely. That was nearly a year before I stopped drinking, which was 95 days ago, but I had to. Doesn't mean he doesn't cross my mind, and he was, honestly, good for me in some ways; however, he completely enabled my drinking, selfishness, irresponsible behavior and such. So when I think of him, I remind myself of that; I also hope that he has addressed his own alcoholism. It mostly works for him, the drinking/his life/etc, except he is either alone or probably in a pretty shallow relationship (big intimacy issues there) for a basically decent person. And I am not responsible. Nor are you - but don't beat yourself up for thinking of him, maybe fantasizing some what-ifs...
Probably bc I thought of him, I thought of my last, very serious ex. I was devastated when he broke up with me (he went back to his wife, ahem). It has taken me awhile, and I can only do it in little spurts, to evaluate what that relationship really came down to - aha, another big enabler, and this one on a grand scale (he paid for things, including rent and car sometimes, in addition to the every day picking up meals, etc etc etc). He also was my biggest cheerleader in "good" ways. He came to rehab meetings with me when I was inpatient, and was there through hospitalizations and really, everything, but I have finally admitted that the relationship became toxic beyond saving, even before he went back to his wife (did I mention that part?)...don't know if he is with her or not, and it is not my problem. Don't know if he is addressing his own alcoholism (though highly functioning kind, professionally and life-speaking) - see above, pattern much? I do sometimes fantasize the what-ifs but...bottom line, I have to do me, and he has to do him, whatever that means in his case. I am alone and only beginning to think that maybe there's a (good) relationship in my future, but keep reminding myself that it will (should!) only be when I am a healthy person who attracts a healthy person! You and I both deserve that, and I can only try to learn from these two rel mistakes (among others!) and shut down the thoughts I sometimes have like the ones you mention.
Hang in there!
I thought of one particular ex of mine the other day. We weren't together when I did the following but he was still a big part of my (drinking) life and completely enabled me: I cut him off. Completely. That was nearly a year before I stopped drinking, which was 95 days ago, but I had to. Doesn't mean he doesn't cross my mind, and he was, honestly, good for me in some ways; however, he completely enabled my drinking, selfishness, irresponsible behavior and such. So when I think of him, I remind myself of that; I also hope that he has addressed his own alcoholism. It mostly works for him, the drinking/his life/etc, except he is either alone or probably in a pretty shallow relationship (big intimacy issues there) for a basically decent person. And I am not responsible. Nor are you - but don't beat yourself up for thinking of him, maybe fantasizing some what-ifs...
Probably bc I thought of him, I thought of my last, very serious ex. I was devastated when he broke up with me (he went back to his wife, ahem). It has taken me awhile, and I can only do it in little spurts, to evaluate what that relationship really came down to - aha, another big enabler, and this one on a grand scale (he paid for things, including rent and car sometimes, in addition to the every day picking up meals, etc etc etc). He also was my biggest cheerleader in "good" ways. He came to rehab meetings with me when I was inpatient, and was there through hospitalizations and really, everything, but I have finally admitted that the relationship became toxic beyond saving, even before he went back to his wife (did I mention that part?)...don't know if he is with her or not, and it is not my problem. Don't know if he is addressing his own alcoholism (though highly functioning kind, professionally and life-speaking) - see above, pattern much? I do sometimes fantasize the what-ifs but...bottom line, I have to do me, and he has to do him, whatever that means in his case. I am alone and only beginning to think that maybe there's a (good) relationship in my future, but keep reminding myself that it will (should!) only be when I am a healthy person who attracts a healthy person! You and I both deserve that, and I can only try to learn from these two rel mistakes (among others!) and shut down the thoughts I sometimes have like the ones you mention.
Hang in there!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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7 months is a pretty reasonable amount of time - isn't it? are our ex's supposed to go into a period of mourning until WE decide what they get to do with the rest of their lives????
what matters here is YOUR reaction......that this "news" upset you so deeply says that you are still very much ACTIVELY invested in HIM. at some level.
doesn't the Universe do a marvelous job of showing us what we need to work on next????
what matters here is YOUR reaction......that this "news" upset you so deeply says that you are still very much ACTIVELY invested in HIM. at some level.
doesn't the Universe do a marvelous job of showing us what we need to work on next????
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Guide me Anvil..... I'm waiting....
Please don't say to start dating. I don't have the patience right now.
Would I want him back? - NO if he "cleaned up his act?" - NO, I truly could never trust him again too much has happened. The good thing for me these last 7 months is that I have been able to see the relationship that we had more clearly. So my question to myself is WHY? Why does this news upset me? Am I that much of a control freak?
And then I think, hmmmmmm....... Wonder if he's doing the same crazy nonsense to her? Wonder if he's telling her the same things he said to me?
I'm confused as to why I should even care. I've been living my life these months the way that I was living it before him. Traveling, reading, beaching, going to nice restaurants, spending time with my family, more time with just myself and my son, buying what I want, when I want.. Doing things FOR ME. Getting back to ME.
I know I did the right thing in leaving him. I couldn't live the life of a partner to an active alcoholic. So why does this bother me so... That's my confusion .
Please don't say to start dating. I don't have the patience right now.
Would I want him back? - NO if he "cleaned up his act?" - NO, I truly could never trust him again too much has happened. The good thing for me these last 7 months is that I have been able to see the relationship that we had more clearly. So my question to myself is WHY? Why does this news upset me? Am I that much of a control freak?
And then I think, hmmmmmm....... Wonder if he's doing the same crazy nonsense to her? Wonder if he's telling her the same things he said to me?
I'm confused as to why I should even care. I've been living my life these months the way that I was living it before him. Traveling, reading, beaching, going to nice restaurants, spending time with my family, more time with just myself and my son, buying what I want, when I want.. Doing things FOR ME. Getting back to ME.
I know I did the right thing in leaving him. I couldn't live the life of a partner to an active alcoholic. So why does this bother me so... That's my confusion .
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Codependents mourn, addicts replace.
Actually, seven months is pretty long...usually it's about seven days.
I know it's easy to start second-guessing everything. It's human nature that when someone else wants something, its value goes up, even when we know better.
You know you know better. These feelings will pass, I promise.
Sending you a hug.
Actually, seven months is pretty long...usually it's about seven days.
I know it's easy to start second-guessing everything. It's human nature that when someone else wants something, its value goes up, even when we know better.
You know you know better. These feelings will pass, I promise.
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lilro....since you are insisting on an answer...lol....I will offer you an answer...(my answer, at least).......
From our ancestral roots....we humans are "wired" to bond and reproduce. When another male or female (depending), enters the territory, after the bonding has taken place,,they become the enemy.
In more primitive times, they would stand a high chance of being killed.....
This was necessary for the propagation of the species and the efficient raising of the young.
We still have remnants of that wiring stored in our lizard brain...and, it is more mediated by instinct than the more recently developed frontal lobes that reflect our higher "civilization".
We can call it "jealousy".......and you can see examples all around.....For example, you can see it in sibling rivalry....in even the most loving ones....it is always lurking below the surface......
I can give an example that I find very amusing....if you have ever watched the tv show...."The Bachelor".......jealousy and the competitiveness that comes with it can be seen right away.....suddenly, 25 females are willing to scratch the eyes out of each other....for some fresh hunk that they have barely met....and, they bond very quickly (via bonding hormones)...to the point that they are crying and grieving and professing their "love" within 3 or 4 wks!!
now, even if you find this explanation even reasonably acceptable.....I don't expect to change your FEELINGS.....
My fingers are short stubs for typing the answer that is so often asked here..."Why do I miss him so much?"......lol...
Even when given the "reason"...I have, yet, to have one person tell me that it stopped them from missing him...just because they had the "answer".....
The feelings don't stop by intellectual understanding....
Because they are not rooted in the intellectual part of the brain.....
What I can tell you, is that it feels weird now, but, over time, as you move on, the feelings that you have now will gradually fade away.....
dandylion
From our ancestral roots....we humans are "wired" to bond and reproduce. When another male or female (depending), enters the territory, after the bonding has taken place,,they become the enemy.
In more primitive times, they would stand a high chance of being killed.....
This was necessary for the propagation of the species and the efficient raising of the young.
We still have remnants of that wiring stored in our lizard brain...and, it is more mediated by instinct than the more recently developed frontal lobes that reflect our higher "civilization".
We can call it "jealousy".......and you can see examples all around.....For example, you can see it in sibling rivalry....in even the most loving ones....it is always lurking below the surface......
I can give an example that I find very amusing....if you have ever watched the tv show...."The Bachelor".......jealousy and the competitiveness that comes with it can be seen right away.....suddenly, 25 females are willing to scratch the eyes out of each other....for some fresh hunk that they have barely met....and, they bond very quickly (via bonding hormones)...to the point that they are crying and grieving and professing their "love" within 3 or 4 wks!!
now, even if you find this explanation even reasonably acceptable.....I don't expect to change your FEELINGS.....
My fingers are short stubs for typing the answer that is so often asked here..."Why do I miss him so much?"......lol...
Even when given the "reason"...I have, yet, to have one person tell me that it stopped them from missing him...just because they had the "answer".....
The feelings don't stop by intellectual understanding....
Because they are not rooted in the intellectual part of the brain.....
What I can tell you, is that it feels weird now, but, over time, as you move on, the feelings that you have now will gradually fade away.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Thank you Dandy.
I remember when I first came onto this site. You had told me that It was going to take time to " get over " the relationship. Probably would take a year or so. Maybe not those exact words but you know what I mean. When I read that all I could think of was " oh, hell no. Not me! I'm one tuff cookie. It's never going to take ME that long!" Lol. Hello!!! Here I am!!! You were correct!! Ugh!!!!!
Ok. Deep breath, I've got this. I need to stop trying to make heads or tails of something I have zero control of and just deal with it. I'm not really sure any answer would be the answer if you know what I mean.
Still a little wacky but better than I was 7 months ago,
Ro xo
I remember when I first came onto this site. You had told me that It was going to take time to " get over " the relationship. Probably would take a year or so. Maybe not those exact words but you know what I mean. When I read that all I could think of was " oh, hell no. Not me! I'm one tuff cookie. It's never going to take ME that long!" Lol. Hello!!! Here I am!!! You were correct!! Ugh!!!!!
Ok. Deep breath, I've got this. I need to stop trying to make heads or tails of something I have zero control of and just deal with it. I'm not really sure any answer would be the answer if you know what I mean.
Still a little wacky but better than I was 7 months ago,
Ro xo
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
great post Dandy!!! 
lilro - IF you did dating as dating is truly intended.....that might be one thing worth recommending. but somehow us codependents don't want to go out to eat and have some appetizers, we want to buy the restaurant!!! before stepping inside and seeing if we really even LIKE the food..........take no prisoners, damn the torpedoes, nuke 'em til they glow.....
you'll get thru this just fine. temporary blip.....a wee virus in the programming.
lilro - IF you did dating as dating is truly intended.....that might be one thing worth recommending. but somehow us codependents don't want to go out to eat and have some appetizers, we want to buy the restaurant!!! before stepping inside and seeing if we really even LIKE the food..........take no prisoners, damn the torpedoes, nuke 'em til they glow.....
you'll get thru this just fine. temporary blip.....a wee virus in the programming.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Originally Posted by Lilro
Thank you Dandy.
When I read that all I could think of was " oh, hell no. Not me! I'm one tuff cookie. It's never going to take ME that long!" Lol. Hello!!! Here I am!!! You were correct!! Ugh!!!!!
When I read that all I could think of was " oh, hell no. Not me! I'm one tuff cookie. It's never going to take ME that long!" Lol. Hello!!! Here I am!!! You were correct!! Ugh!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Lilro,
Please donīt judge your emotions. Theyīre a part of who you are, and doing so is not a very kind way to treat yourself.
After seven months I would be extremely hurt to know xabf is already in a new relationship too, even though I wouldnīt want him back.
The thing is, I think I always knew in the back of my mind that it wouldnīt take him very long to replace me if we split up. And Iīm certain he manipulated me so Iīd be constantly aware of this. He often dropped hints about other women who were obviously interested in him. It was like a warning: donīt nag/expect me to treat you right/make any kind of demands or Iīll leave you for someone else.
As hard as I tried not to take it seriously and see it as a childish manipulation, it was very effective. He managed to make me extremely insecure when we went out to socialize with other people. I remember one particular party when he was fluttering about, being so funny and charming and alpha male with everyone except me (especially with his female friends) that I considered leaving. I was bored, didnīt know anyone and it just seemed the most dignified thing to do. But I just couldnīt! I was too afraid that he would end up flirting like mad (or more) with someone else. I donīt know how he did it, because I was very alert to the unhealthy dynamics by then, but it made me feel jealous as hell, and very possessive. Which was very upsetting because normally Iīm not possessive at all!
Iīm not sure what Iīm trying to say here and if it helps or not, but I came to understand that a lot of the drama didnīt have anything to do with me, and was the direct result of his manipulations - even when I felt that *I* was the one who was being unhealthy (after all, he didnīt do anything I could put my finger on)!
So, I donīt know how you found out about your exīs new relationship, but Iīm wondering if he isnīt secretly aware of your discomfort and perhaps enjoying it? Why would you even have to find out about it?
Iīm absolutely certain my ex will find the way to let me know heīs with someone else soon - even though Iīve made sure to maintain NC.
Please donīt judge your emotions. Theyīre a part of who you are, and doing so is not a very kind way to treat yourself.
After seven months I would be extremely hurt to know xabf is already in a new relationship too, even though I wouldnīt want him back.
The thing is, I think I always knew in the back of my mind that it wouldnīt take him very long to replace me if we split up. And Iīm certain he manipulated me so Iīd be constantly aware of this. He often dropped hints about other women who were obviously interested in him. It was like a warning: donīt nag/expect me to treat you right/make any kind of demands or Iīll leave you for someone else.
As hard as I tried not to take it seriously and see it as a childish manipulation, it was very effective. He managed to make me extremely insecure when we went out to socialize with other people. I remember one particular party when he was fluttering about, being so funny and charming and alpha male with everyone except me (especially with his female friends) that I considered leaving. I was bored, didnīt know anyone and it just seemed the most dignified thing to do. But I just couldnīt! I was too afraid that he would end up flirting like mad (or more) with someone else. I donīt know how he did it, because I was very alert to the unhealthy dynamics by then, but it made me feel jealous as hell, and very possessive. Which was very upsetting because normally Iīm not possessive at all!
Iīm not sure what Iīm trying to say here and if it helps or not, but I came to understand that a lot of the drama didnīt have anything to do with me, and was the direct result of his manipulations - even when I felt that *I* was the one who was being unhealthy (after all, he didnīt do anything I could put my finger on)!
So, I donīt know how you found out about your exīs new relationship, but Iīm wondering if he isnīt secretly aware of your discomfort and perhaps enjoying it? Why would you even have to find out about it?
Iīm absolutely certain my ex will find the way to let me know heīs with someone else soon - even though Iīve made sure to maintain NC.
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