Assisting a Relapsing Spouse While Drinking Too Much Myself
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 1
Assisting a Relapsing Spouse While Drinking Too Much Myself
This is my first post. Hopefully it's in the right spot. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years, although we've been friends for over 13 years now. I'm not sure where to turn. He is very successful in his industry and we own a small business, and we are happily working on building a beautiful new house. In the meantime, we are living in a small duplex where he is clearly unhappy. He isn't a super happy person naturally anyway but lately he's had lots of extra stress due to more workload and our living arrangements. So we've been living here almost a year now, and he's been in detox around 10 times (in this past year).
He was in a 90-day program about 9 years ago after his first marriage dissipated. He's struggled with alcohol for a long time in and out of detox/recovery programs, and both sides of our family are heavy drinkers/alcoholics/recovering alcoholics. I drink nearly every night, but never (or haven't yet) had any issues taking care of my son, or fulfilling day-to-day responsibilities.
I could go on and on, but I guess my question is whether or not I would benefit from an Al-Anon meeting? Would it be hypocritical of me to attend if I, myself, drink to excess at times? After he has gone through detox programs, I've said I was done drinking as well, but he insists it makes him feel uncomfortable if I DON'T drink.
Maybe I am looking for answers that I want to hear...He is a complex case though. I love him more than anything, but I'm not happy when he's sober (and negative and grumpy) and I'm not happy when he's gets to this stage, where he's lethargic and nearly unable to verbalize...Although I would never encourage his drinking, when he has a few beers, he's so much more relaxed and happy.
I'm really reaching here, I just don't know what to do. And I'm tired of lying to his family, and to myself.
Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated.
Love always!
He was in a 90-day program about 9 years ago after his first marriage dissipated. He's struggled with alcohol for a long time in and out of detox/recovery programs, and both sides of our family are heavy drinkers/alcoholics/recovering alcoholics. I drink nearly every night, but never (or haven't yet) had any issues taking care of my son, or fulfilling day-to-day responsibilities.
I could go on and on, but I guess my question is whether or not I would benefit from an Al-Anon meeting? Would it be hypocritical of me to attend if I, myself, drink to excess at times? After he has gone through detox programs, I've said I was done drinking as well, but he insists it makes him feel uncomfortable if I DON'T drink.
Maybe I am looking for answers that I want to hear...He is a complex case though. I love him more than anything, but I'm not happy when he's sober (and negative and grumpy) and I'm not happy when he's gets to this stage, where he's lethargic and nearly unable to verbalize...Although I would never encourage his drinking, when he has a few beers, he's so much more relaxed and happy.
I'm really reaching here, I just don't know what to do. And I'm tired of lying to his family, and to myself.
Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated.
Love always!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
It sounds like he has some issues that go deeper than just drinking too much. He might benefit greatly from counseling of some kind. Being sober doesn't mean one has to be unhappy or grumpy. I've found happiness in living sober. Sounds like he needs some help dealing with his issues if he's so miserable sober and doesn't like it when you don't drink.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
The reason I ask is because I am a little more than 2 months in, and I am much quieter than "normal" right now.
I think the kindest thing you can do is give him space - don't insinuate he is "happier" when he drinks.
Focus on you - your own relationship with alcohol.
I think the kindest thing you can do is give him space - don't insinuate he is "happier" when he drinks.
Focus on you - your own relationship with alcohol.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I think you might benefit from AlAnon Lindsey. As far as I know there's no requirement spouses be sober.
If you want to quit, quit, as lomng as it's what you want. If it is, and your partner feels uncomfortable then it's really his problem. He'll get used to it 
As to his demeanor sober....early recovery is rough.
If everyone who got sober stayed irritable, cynical and dark there'd be a lot of alcoholics living alone
If your partner decides to quit and sticks with it, I hope he finds the joy that I and countless others have in recovery
D
I've said I was done drinking as well, but he insists it makes him feel uncomfortable if I DON'T drink.
As to his demeanor sober....early recovery is rough.
If everyone who got sober stayed irritable, cynical and dark there'd be a lot of alcoholics living alone
If your partner decides to quit and sticks with it, I hope he finds the joy that I and countless others have in recovery
D
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
How does he know it'll make him uncomfortable? Why not just not drink for a couple of weeks - no need to even mention it. Just do it. If you're not an alcoholic then it won't be a problem for you.
I think it's quite possible that its his Addictive Voice that wants you to carry on drinking in the house. (After all, wont that make convincing his sober self to take a drink so much easier, and you probably wouldn't even notice if he took some sneaky drinks himself once you've had a few. )
As far as AlAnon is concerned. Why not go along to some meetings, then make up your mind if it's helpful. You can ask others there what there experiences are of having alcohol in the house and drinking in front of their partners. I suspect the answers will be wide ranging.
My partner still drinks, and drinks heavily, but only at weekends unless there's a special even t midweek. And I really don't find him fun to be around when he's drunk. So I avoid him most weekends once he's has a drink. If he were drinking indoors and every night I'm not sure I'd want to still be with him to be honest. Not because he'd make me drink, but because he's emotionally unavailable when drunk, as well as repetitive and a know it all bore. ( Of course, he thinks he's some kind of charming eccentric. ) Anyway, you see. Every couple's different.
I think it's quite possible that its his Addictive Voice that wants you to carry on drinking in the house. (After all, wont that make convincing his sober self to take a drink so much easier, and you probably wouldn't even notice if he took some sneaky drinks himself once you've had a few. )
As far as AlAnon is concerned. Why not go along to some meetings, then make up your mind if it's helpful. You can ask others there what there experiences are of having alcohol in the house and drinking in front of their partners. I suspect the answers will be wide ranging.
My partner still drinks, and drinks heavily, but only at weekends unless there's a special even t midweek. And I really don't find him fun to be around when he's drunk. So I avoid him most weekends once he's has a drink. If he were drinking indoors and every night I'm not sure I'd want to still be with him to be honest. Not because he'd make me drink, but because he's emotionally unavailable when drunk, as well as repetitive and a know it all bore. ( Of course, he thinks he's some kind of charming eccentric. ) Anyway, you see. Every couple's different.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
As a child who grew up in an alcoholic home, I think
you should consider the impact this has on kids.
9 detox visits in a year is very severe, and if you are drinking daily too,
even if "managing" so far, this is the model your children will learn
about how to deal with problems in life.
I learned it too well and like so many who grow up in this situation,
turned to alcohol myself to deal with problems and sadness.
My childhood home was not a happy place as my mother's alcoholism got worse.
It is progressive, unfortunately.
Only you know if your drinking is "normal" , but stopping for a few months
to see will not only clear your head but give you some clear perspective
about what is happening with your partner--maybe your drinking
is covering that?
you should consider the impact this has on kids.
9 detox visits in a year is very severe, and if you are drinking daily too,
even if "managing" so far, this is the model your children will learn
about how to deal with problems in life.
I learned it too well and like so many who grow up in this situation,
turned to alcohol myself to deal with problems and sadness.
My childhood home was not a happy place as my mother's alcoholism got worse.
It is progressive, unfortunately.
Only you know if your drinking is "normal" , but stopping for a few months
to see will not only clear your head but give you some clear perspective
about what is happening with your partner--maybe your drinking
is covering that?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I've been on this site for a little over a year (I believe) and read here daily. Going to detox almost once a month for a year is one of the more severe cases I've read. I would take this very seriously and do what is necessary to help your husband. Regarding yourself, as others have said, only you know if you have an issue.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sporadic stopping for a short time, or detox, with a return to drinking soon after actually BECOMES that person's addiction PATTERN - it's not really recovery they seek during the detox, more like a chance to come up for air, dry out for a few days, rest up, and then get ready for another run. and the body learns to adapt as best it can.
if you are drinking every night, and have a small child to care for, and a small business getting underway etc, it might be best for you to worry about YOUR drinking right now and not HIS. best to find out sooner rather than later if you have your own problems with alcohol and address that. HIS opinion on the matter or how you NOT drinking might make HIM feel is HIS BUSINESS.
if you are drinking every night, and have a small child to care for, and a small business getting underway etc, it might be best for you to worry about YOUR drinking right now and not HIS. best to find out sooner rather than later if you have your own problems with alcohol and address that. HIS opinion on the matter or how you NOT drinking might make HIM feel is HIS BUSINESS.
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