pearlady

My fiancé is in the process of detox.

This is what I learned.

He had extreme cravings and wanted me to go with him to get what he wanted.

I stood up to him. I set boundaries. I refused to be a party to his addictions. I refused to facilitate his demise. And I didn’t care if he was mad at me. I didn’t care what horrible things he said. I found strength in real love. I previously enabled him and appeased him to protect myself, protect my delicate feelings and ego. I knew if I set boundaries that I would have to stick to them and I didn’t know that I was strong enough to do it. I knew if I stood up and said no, that I would be the focus of his addiction screaming from his body. I didn’t want to hear the harsh things that he would say to manipulate me. I felt like I had no choice but to give in but then something happened. I saw how incredibly hard he suffered during the detox and I knew that I had to change too. I knew that I must withstand. I learned that I am made of a fiber that I have not given enough credit to.

I realized that I could not just enable and go with the flow to keep the peace anymore. Because every time I did that I might save myself some stress but I was also condoning and encouraging his self-destruction. In fact, participating in it.

It worked. My standing up to him and setting boundaries worked and he stayed clean at least for one more day. For once he choose me over the addiction, in the midst of extreme cravings. One day at a time is what they say and I thankful for that one day.

hopeful4

Even bigger is that one day at a time for YOU. You changed your mindset, and that is how it starts.

Horray to a new beginning and mindset for you!

atalose

When it seems that the addict is picking drugs over you and your relationship, try not to take it personally because they would do it to anyone and probably do. Drugs do not simply matter more then you – they matter more then everything in this world – food, water, shelter, health, career, and stability, their reputation, and family, everything so you see it’s not you specifically.

The behavior of an addict is automatic and reflexive, based out of a need for substances that is both physical and psychological. Once drugs enter the addict’s system, the brain starts its retraining process, where more and more drugs are needed for the same effect, and there is a greater need assigned to drugs for both survival and happiness. Addiction actually changes brain chemistry, so over time, any control the addict had is stripped away.

If it were simply a matter of choice there wouldn’t be a need for SR or rehabs or treatment centers and recovery meetings. Addiction lives in the same part of the brain that tells them to breath.

I’m glad you are seeing how important boundaries are for YOU and YOUR mental and emotional health. Maybe get involved with al-anon or nar-anon or private therapy and educate yourself as much as possible about addiction. Yes it’s good he’s trying to detox but don’t be surprised if the addict is right back to where he was last week or last month using again.

As the ones who love the addict the only real choice we have is in staying and tolerating unacceptable behaviors or leaving and getting ourselves to healthier ground.

Ann

I am glad he is detoxing and hope he can stay on a good path.

You're already there, the trick is hanging on to your boundaries and values no matter how this unfolds for him.

His addiction is his problem.

Your recovery is your solution. Stick with it girl!

Hugs

pearlady

Thanks everyone for recognizing what a huge moment this was for me. I was so proud of myself. I think he was in as much shock as I was that I was standing my ground.

He is at his mother's home now riding out this detox. He is 11.5 days clean but I know that sometime today or tomorrow, it could all go down the drain and he could be on the same path he was before. I pray for him. I have been educating myself about surrender. I know that I have to surrender his well-being to our higher power and the only thing that I can control is how I respond. I read that everywhere but I am the kind of person that only truly learns from experience.

This is an awakening for me to stand up and have more self-worth. Previously, I just went along with him on the waves of his addiction, not afraid to grumble and bitch about his using- but afraid to say no through my actions. I tried everything in the book to influence him except outright saying no through my actions. Nothing worked except this. This was the first time I influenced him with actual results. I told him he was free to go do as he wished, that I would not stand in his way... but I would have no part of it... and though he was nasty and ugly, he didn't go. He stayed home, took his anti-anxiety medication, and stopped badgering me.

I have been spending way too much time hoping that words would make a difference without changing my actions. What I expect of him I also have to expect of myself- action towards change.

pearlady

Well, he gave in this morning. 12 days down the drain. He contacted his friend... a person that he has been best friends with since childhood, also an addict though, to get high. I called that friend and said, really??!!

First, he tried to break up with me because I am "untrustworthy". Because I didn't give in the other day. He sees it as I gained up on him with his mom.

I told him that I was willing to go through pain to save him.

He said, you saved ME but ruined our relationship. I'm heartbroken. I don't know what to do.

I love him.

But I can't stop him from using. I can't do anything about it. Honestly, it wasn't even worth it to stop him the other day by not giving in. Because two days later he did it anyway. And now he is so angry with me because he feels betrayed by me.

I want to go to him and tell him that I understand that this is a journey and that I can't force recovery on him.

I am not willing to give up on him or our relationship.

What should I do?

atalose

You got between him and his true love – drugs, so of course he’s going to resent you because he’s not ready to give it up so instead he’ll give you up, keep you at arm’s length.

That’s the reality of a relationship with an addict.

You can chose to sit back with a front row seat keeping your mouth shut and watch him destroy himself or you can chose a healthier path in life for yourself.

You ask what should you do.............make a smart and healthy decision.

hopeful4

If you are going to accept him, 100%, who he is, and can be happy, then carry on. Your original post suggests otherwise.

If you want him to change, you are sitting yourself up for failure. You cannot love recovery onto someone. No matter how hard you try.

So, you have some decisions to make for yourself. Tight hugs, it's really hard.

FireSprite

Just one question - Why?

I ask because I absolutely do NOT feel that way & feel that it is unreasonable & unbalanced that I should carry the burden of my qualifier's pain in any way.

I can't stop all of the collateral damage if I choose to stay in a relationship with an active addict, but I would never sign up for it purposefully. I have no illusion that me carrying that responsibility or involvement makes any amount of difference in his battle against his addiction anyway.

So I'm sincerely interested to know what you perceive to be the benefits of volunteering for this kind of pain?

pearlady

Why would I put myself through pain and heartache?

My love is an addict, but he is not just an addict, a diseased sick young man. He is more than that. He is brilliant and beautiful. He is unlike any other. I can talk to him for hours and never get bored. Not just mundane conversations- the most insightful and interesting conversations I’ve ever had. He is my intellectual equal. He is sensitive and caring. He understands my poetry and I understand his. Since the moment I first talked with him, we were inseparable. He is my best friend. He is my soul mate. I will not give up on him. He loves me for who I am not what I have been pretending to be all of these years. We have a strong intuitive connection. I want him, nothing else, just him. He is weak right now. There is a very good chance that he can recover. He told me himself that he wants to get better. I didn’t force him to get clean. He said that he wanted to stop before it cost him his family and me. But the drug he has been using the last 7 months is very difficult to come off of without a rehab- though he tried, it became too much to bear. And yes, I am very angry. Yes, I am hurt and disappointed and this isn’t very fun. But relationships in life aren’t always fun. I won’t just jump ship to save myself. I have been trying to save myself all these months by enabling him- to not have to go through the hardship of saying no and meaning it. I was acting selfishly by enabling him. Honestly, it was easier. What I mean by taking in pain to save him, is that I am not going to enable him any further and if that means that I have to deal with heartache, I am willing to do it.

AnvilheadII

it's not about:

GIVING UP
ABANDONING THEM
JUMPING SHIP

it's about US deciding just how close we are willing to let addiction into OUR lives. and for how long. you speak very eloquently about this person, but at the end of the day, he's an addict in active addiction, and that will always be his first love. and you can't SAVE HIM from HIMSELF. nor are you in any way controlling his use or non-use. this isn't YOUR battle to fight.

continue to work on your boundaries. and saying no. and not EVER going with him to get drugs. or give him money to do so. or "allow" him to use in your home.

hopepraylove

Anvill hit it on the head.

I just wanted to add that YOU taking care of YOURSELF and detaching with love and learning about codependency/working your own program, just might be the kick in the ass he needs to see the CONSEQUENCES of his behavior. Sometimes what when we think we're helping, we're actually being cruel. We're preventing the individual from hitting their bottom and prolonging the possibility of them finding their "miracle."

Thlayli

I don't have wisdom today but you are not alone pearlady. Thank you for posting and thank you all for sharing. This thread is EXACTLY what I needed to see this evening. It's pretty amazing how this has been happening lately. Reaching out to others has been such a blessing.

Hawkeye13

yes, I think one of the highest forms of love is not enabling someone to destroy themselves
in order to stay close to them, but respecting them enough to step
back and risk their anger so that they have an opportunity to fix what only
they can choose to mend--their choice to stay in active addiction.

pearlady

Thank you everyone for your replies. It really helps me to get through this. I was struggling with choices. And it helps to know that I am understood. Hawkeye, I think that you said concisely what I was trying to say that I had made the decision to do.

I went to see him for the weekend, and he was still actively using, though much less than previously.

When I arrived, he was still resentful of me for standing up to him earlier in the week. And he was being rude and passive aggressive as a result. So, I got up and left. Even though I had just driven 3 hours to see him.

His mom called me and was upset at him. I said he doesn't get to treat me that way and expect me to stick around. I knew if he called and apologized and admitted that he understand why I left, I would return, otherwise, I knew that I would not. His mom offered me money for a hotel. I waited. And within 10 minutes, he called and offered an apology and asked me to return. I told him that I would return under the condition that I was treated with respect but I would not hesitate to leave again if he behaved that way again.

He agreed and I returned. We didn't discuss his substance abuse for the rest of the weekend, until I was ready to return home.

He said that he had been harsh on me and expected a lot of me without expecting as much from him and that we both had changes to make but his were probably more than mine. He said that he had been lazy about recovery and the changes he needed to make- that he didn't want to be 40 and still working on the same problems. He commented that he knew that if he was going to obtain the success he wanted for himself and for us, he had to quit- substances had messed up many good opportunities in the past. He commented further that what scared him most about the drug use was that he didn't want it to change his brain in a way that could never be repaired and to lose his intelligence or capabilities. I said, but you never know when it will get to the point of no return. Are you willing to take that risk of losing the number one thing you like about yourself and value? He said that he knew that he needed rehab and in fact he had suggested it to his mom.

But then he told me some things that hit home in a big way. He basically called me out in a very kind way of trying to control and manage his addiction when the only thing I could do was work on myself-in fact I had been neglecting myself. He said it’s not going to happen over night for either one of us but that he wanted to start on the steps particularly, to allow God to do for him what he cannot do for himself.

What I learned:

I am glad that he failed at the detox because it taught him that he is powerless over his addiction. He thought he could just quit it because he had never had trouble stopping using drugs before. It had always been recreational. Previously, alcohol had been the primary addiction. He stayed sober for 9 months and then 3 months most recently. He has relapsed numerous times- he hasn’t depended upon any resources outside himself even though he went to AA. He would go to the meetings but not fully engage and not work the steps or work with his sponsor.

His failing to quit and stay quit also taught me that I am powerless over his addiction as well. I want to start my own healing and improve myself.

What I am going to do:



I am going to work through my codependency issues.

I am going to continue my relationship but not the way I have been engaging in it. I am going to establish firm boundaries.

I am going to attend 12-step meetings.