My love- a narrative of my experiences (long)
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 56
My love- a narrative of my experiences (long)
I love someone in the throws of addiction. I love him senselessly. I’ve read a lot about co-dependency and enabling, and I can say that I fit into both categories, but I refuse to be categorized. Those terms come laced with judgment and blame. At least, that’s how I feel when someone says that I belong in that category. Think about it for a moment. When you love someone that is sick with an addiction, it’s hard to know what to do about it. My love was an alcoholic before we met and during the beginning of our relationship. And then during our relationship, he started recovery. During sobriety and during active illness, he is my love. When he decided to get sober, I was a big part of the process. He was excited about getting well. He held on tight for a long while. Every day I could see the work he did to combat his illness. Every moment took effort. He had strategies. He wore a thick rubber band on his wrist. I never asked why and he never said why.
But I knew why.
He read books. Lots of books. My love reads Moll Flanders. He got up at the same time, he ate on a regular schedule, he went to sleep on a regular schedule. He took the medications prescribed to him to manage his bipolar disorder. He put on healthy weight. His eyes sparkled. He and I never had to go on ‘date-dates’ to be blissful. We could sit in parking lots for hours and talk. When I came to visit him, he greeted me at the door with all the love in the world in his heart. My love is beautiful and kind and good. My love is brilliant. His intelligence is radiant.
Then slowly, addiction crept at the door of his heart and mind, and I didn’t see it coming. I forgot that he wasn’t cured nor would he ever be. His dad, his precious dad, became ill. Round the clock his mom attended to the health of her husband, also an alcoholic. My loves shared an uncommon relationship with his dad. I had never seen two men love one another more genuinely. My love told me once that the one thing that scared him more than anything was the prospect of losing his dad. And his dad’s health began to deteriorate rapidly. And so did my love. All of the armor that he had built upon around himself to ward off an attack from the demons of addictions began to crumble. It would have been too obvious for him to drink, so he began to use. Heroin. An old companion of his that he had quit successfully before I even met him. I didn’t know he was doing it. Then from what I gather now, he just threw away his efforts to maintain appearances. He began to drink openly again and finally, open use around me. I was caught off guard and ill equipped to know what to do. I always made it clear that I thought his choices were not good ones, but at the same time, I bought alcohol with him and drank with him. It was like quicksand. When I was in college, I was a party girl. I had a drinking problem too but I could take or leave it. I was a binge drinker. I could go months without drinking. But then when I wanted to, usually due to high stress or emotions, I decided to get obliterated. It wasn’t really like that for my love. He is a habitual drinker. He doesn’t blackout. I would blackout. It became hard for me to tell him no, don’t drink, because I liked to go out to the bar with him. Then it got to the point when I never told him no. He was prone to hissy fits, like a fussy child. And I choose to appease him to not have to deal with the ridiculous behavior.
Generally, he was pleasant when he was drinking. So it was easy for me to rationalize that it wasn’t as big a problem. But before I knew it, it was getting out of hand. Then as his dad got sicker, his substance abuse increased. A part of me was curious about it, so at times, I participated in it with him. Eventually, my love’s father passed away. He managed to hold it together for a little while. Then he started to sleep all the time. He was never out of bed. Then on weekends, when he wanted to get up and do things, he used. He had energy. He seemed clear headed. I didn’t want him to do it. I didn’t want to do it. Mostly, I didn’t do it. But I felt like I could not say no to him because I had done with him. I didn’t think that he would become addicted. But he did. Increasingly, his behavior became more erratic. He was volatile. Our weekends spent together became focused around the obsession of drugs- finding, getting, and using. He started staying out all night, not communicating with me regularly, as he had previously. He was fighting with his family. Finally, one night, I asked him if just for one weekend, he could be drug free. He agreed. He told me that he wanted to show me how much it mattered to him to make me happy. But almost as soon as he made that promise, he went back on it. He said that he wanted to keep his promise, but that he felt like he couldn’t. I was furious and scared. I knew that he was addicted. We started talking about him quitting. He talked about it positively. We had intelligent discussion about him quitting. Then we decided for him to come stay with me to detox. He came to my apartment to quit.
He was so scared. He had lost so much weight and had slept so little for so long. All he did for 5 days was eat and sleep. At lunchtime, I came home from work and gave him lunch and he ate with gusto. It was such a relief to me. I felt so happy. I loved taking care of him. He regained weight quickly. He was irritable but glad to quit. We read the Bible together. We lay together and talked. We laughed. But it was hard too because when he was irritable, he could say mean things. When he saw that he hurt my feelings, his eyes glimmered with sorrow. He loved me and apologized. I understood. Then a few days later, after the sleepy phase wore off, he became highly irritable. He took St. Johns Wort with his regular mental health medications and everything went downhill from there. I am not sure if it was serotonin syndrome or just a result of the withdrawal. He became argumentative, critical, and difficult. He was still himself sometimes but it seemed like he was really struggling. He began to pick fights with me. I could tell that he was having intense cravings. He got over stimulated easily and that lead to more irritability. By days 7/8/9, e wasn’t making sense. He came back to normal in waves. I wanted to take him to the doctor but he didn’t have insurance and was reluctant to go. He started talking about wanting to go home. I knew the reason why- because he had such intense cravings and he wanted to be able to access his drug. Previous to this, he talked about how he didn’t want to go home yet because the temptation was too great there.
In between all of this… he was still my love. He still looked me in the eyes- a look of fear, bewilderment, and love. Confused about why I still loved him and why I hadn’t unloved him despite his addictions. The answer is… the heart loves whom it loves and that’s it. Unconditionally. On day 10 of his detox, he picked me up at lunchtime and asked me to take him home. He meant it. We lay on the sofa together and cried. I didn’t want him to go. I just knew if he stuck it out a few more days, the worst would have passed and he could get well. I also didn’t want him to leave because being without him is excruciating. I cried tears from deep in my soul. He told me he loved me more than he had ever loved anyone and that he wasn’t leaving me. He just needed to go home.
The whole drive- I sat in silence. Tears streaming down my face. He talked a lot. He talked nervously. He didn’t know what to do with my silence. I could tell he was hurting too. I wasn’t being passive aggressive. I just couldn’t bear to speak. I knew that when he got home, he was going to seek out this chemical that had been destroying our lives. And sure enough he did. We had dinner with his mom. And all the while he was on the phone organizing to obtain the substance. I ripped the world open. I told his mom what he was doing. He started to act in the way that an addict acts when they want a drug… manipulating, saying mean things, acting like a cranky child, being aggressive. He wanted me to go for a drive with him to get fresh air… before dinner. I knew where he really wanted to go. I said no. He kept trying to convince me. I said no. He tried to embarrass me in front of his mother. I said no. I said no. I said no. I said no. He was angry with me. He couldn’t believe that this girl was finally standing up to him. I told him that he was welcome to go obtain the drugs on his own, but I would not be going with him. He became very upset. And tried to manipulate me. I said no. His mother gave him his anti-anxiety medication and he became calmer. He sat down and ate dinner. All the while, he gave me angry looks. He didn’t want his mother and I to be alone together. He was afraid we would talk about him. I told him; indeed we will talk about you. And not out of disrespect but out of concern. He had the opportunity to leave. No one stopped him. No one got in his way. I would not stop him from going to get drugs but I would not be a part of it. He didn’t leave. He sat down and ate. Then he asked me to come upstairs with him to go to bed. I told him I would not unless he promised to not badger me any longer. He agreed. We lay down together. He told me how angry he was with me for uprooting his life, for not giving into his addiction. I told him that I wasn’t sorry. That one day maybe he would thank me. He got angry with me and spouted angry things. I moved from the bed to the chair and told him that I was leaving. He asked me not to go, to come back to bed. I was angry and didn’t want to. But I looked at him lying there, and I loved him. Despite all of it. I lay next to him and kissed him and I was surprised how tenderly he kissed me back. He told me that I was making him a “pussy”. We lay together all through the night. And he didn’t use drugs that day. That was day 10 clean. That was yesterday.
This morning I had to get up to drive home. We lay together and told each other how much we love one another. He told me that the anti-anxiety medication had helped a lot. But he was still having a hard time and having cravings. I told him to try to get some sleep. I told him to fight and not give up. I told him to ask God to lead him. When I left to go home, I kissed him and hugged him and cried. I cried because I don't know if he will decide to use today. I don’t know if he will throw away all of the progress he has made. I made a decision as I left- to leave my love in the hands of God. I prayed for God to give him the opportunity to get well. I can’t control any of this. Everything is uncertain. We only have today. I choose to have boundaries now. I choose to say no. I choose to love him. I choose to give his recovery to God. I choose to start my own recovery. On the drive home, I heard a song. In it, the lover begged his love to let him go so he could let her go. I screamed in anguish; the thought is the most pain I ever had. I don’t know what will happen but I’m not ready to let go. I still believe in him. I pray that you never love someone like I do and feel the pain that I feel but if you are reading this, you probably already do love someone like I do and have already felt my pain or worse.
But I knew why.
He read books. Lots of books. My love reads Moll Flanders. He got up at the same time, he ate on a regular schedule, he went to sleep on a regular schedule. He took the medications prescribed to him to manage his bipolar disorder. He put on healthy weight. His eyes sparkled. He and I never had to go on ‘date-dates’ to be blissful. We could sit in parking lots for hours and talk. When I came to visit him, he greeted me at the door with all the love in the world in his heart. My love is beautiful and kind and good. My love is brilliant. His intelligence is radiant.
Then slowly, addiction crept at the door of his heart and mind, and I didn’t see it coming. I forgot that he wasn’t cured nor would he ever be. His dad, his precious dad, became ill. Round the clock his mom attended to the health of her husband, also an alcoholic. My loves shared an uncommon relationship with his dad. I had never seen two men love one another more genuinely. My love told me once that the one thing that scared him more than anything was the prospect of losing his dad. And his dad’s health began to deteriorate rapidly. And so did my love. All of the armor that he had built upon around himself to ward off an attack from the demons of addictions began to crumble. It would have been too obvious for him to drink, so he began to use. Heroin. An old companion of his that he had quit successfully before I even met him. I didn’t know he was doing it. Then from what I gather now, he just threw away his efforts to maintain appearances. He began to drink openly again and finally, open use around me. I was caught off guard and ill equipped to know what to do. I always made it clear that I thought his choices were not good ones, but at the same time, I bought alcohol with him and drank with him. It was like quicksand. When I was in college, I was a party girl. I had a drinking problem too but I could take or leave it. I was a binge drinker. I could go months without drinking. But then when I wanted to, usually due to high stress or emotions, I decided to get obliterated. It wasn’t really like that for my love. He is a habitual drinker. He doesn’t blackout. I would blackout. It became hard for me to tell him no, don’t drink, because I liked to go out to the bar with him. Then it got to the point when I never told him no. He was prone to hissy fits, like a fussy child. And I choose to appease him to not have to deal with the ridiculous behavior.
Generally, he was pleasant when he was drinking. So it was easy for me to rationalize that it wasn’t as big a problem. But before I knew it, it was getting out of hand. Then as his dad got sicker, his substance abuse increased. A part of me was curious about it, so at times, I participated in it with him. Eventually, my love’s father passed away. He managed to hold it together for a little while. Then he started to sleep all the time. He was never out of bed. Then on weekends, when he wanted to get up and do things, he used. He had energy. He seemed clear headed. I didn’t want him to do it. I didn’t want to do it. Mostly, I didn’t do it. But I felt like I could not say no to him because I had done with him. I didn’t think that he would become addicted. But he did. Increasingly, his behavior became more erratic. He was volatile. Our weekends spent together became focused around the obsession of drugs- finding, getting, and using. He started staying out all night, not communicating with me regularly, as he had previously. He was fighting with his family. Finally, one night, I asked him if just for one weekend, he could be drug free. He agreed. He told me that he wanted to show me how much it mattered to him to make me happy. But almost as soon as he made that promise, he went back on it. He said that he wanted to keep his promise, but that he felt like he couldn’t. I was furious and scared. I knew that he was addicted. We started talking about him quitting. He talked about it positively. We had intelligent discussion about him quitting. Then we decided for him to come stay with me to detox. He came to my apartment to quit.
He was so scared. He had lost so much weight and had slept so little for so long. All he did for 5 days was eat and sleep. At lunchtime, I came home from work and gave him lunch and he ate with gusto. It was such a relief to me. I felt so happy. I loved taking care of him. He regained weight quickly. He was irritable but glad to quit. We read the Bible together. We lay together and talked. We laughed. But it was hard too because when he was irritable, he could say mean things. When he saw that he hurt my feelings, his eyes glimmered with sorrow. He loved me and apologized. I understood. Then a few days later, after the sleepy phase wore off, he became highly irritable. He took St. Johns Wort with his regular mental health medications and everything went downhill from there. I am not sure if it was serotonin syndrome or just a result of the withdrawal. He became argumentative, critical, and difficult. He was still himself sometimes but it seemed like he was really struggling. He began to pick fights with me. I could tell that he was having intense cravings. He got over stimulated easily and that lead to more irritability. By days 7/8/9, e wasn’t making sense. He came back to normal in waves. I wanted to take him to the doctor but he didn’t have insurance and was reluctant to go. He started talking about wanting to go home. I knew the reason why- because he had such intense cravings and he wanted to be able to access his drug. Previous to this, he talked about how he didn’t want to go home yet because the temptation was too great there.
In between all of this… he was still my love. He still looked me in the eyes- a look of fear, bewilderment, and love. Confused about why I still loved him and why I hadn’t unloved him despite his addictions. The answer is… the heart loves whom it loves and that’s it. Unconditionally. On day 10 of his detox, he picked me up at lunchtime and asked me to take him home. He meant it. We lay on the sofa together and cried. I didn’t want him to go. I just knew if he stuck it out a few more days, the worst would have passed and he could get well. I also didn’t want him to leave because being without him is excruciating. I cried tears from deep in my soul. He told me he loved me more than he had ever loved anyone and that he wasn’t leaving me. He just needed to go home.
The whole drive- I sat in silence. Tears streaming down my face. He talked a lot. He talked nervously. He didn’t know what to do with my silence. I could tell he was hurting too. I wasn’t being passive aggressive. I just couldn’t bear to speak. I knew that when he got home, he was going to seek out this chemical that had been destroying our lives. And sure enough he did. We had dinner with his mom. And all the while he was on the phone organizing to obtain the substance. I ripped the world open. I told his mom what he was doing. He started to act in the way that an addict acts when they want a drug… manipulating, saying mean things, acting like a cranky child, being aggressive. He wanted me to go for a drive with him to get fresh air… before dinner. I knew where he really wanted to go. I said no. He kept trying to convince me. I said no. He tried to embarrass me in front of his mother. I said no. I said no. I said no. I said no. He was angry with me. He couldn’t believe that this girl was finally standing up to him. I told him that he was welcome to go obtain the drugs on his own, but I would not be going with him. He became very upset. And tried to manipulate me. I said no. His mother gave him his anti-anxiety medication and he became calmer. He sat down and ate dinner. All the while, he gave me angry looks. He didn’t want his mother and I to be alone together. He was afraid we would talk about him. I told him; indeed we will talk about you. And not out of disrespect but out of concern. He had the opportunity to leave. No one stopped him. No one got in his way. I would not stop him from going to get drugs but I would not be a part of it. He didn’t leave. He sat down and ate. Then he asked me to come upstairs with him to go to bed. I told him I would not unless he promised to not badger me any longer. He agreed. We lay down together. He told me how angry he was with me for uprooting his life, for not giving into his addiction. I told him that I wasn’t sorry. That one day maybe he would thank me. He got angry with me and spouted angry things. I moved from the bed to the chair and told him that I was leaving. He asked me not to go, to come back to bed. I was angry and didn’t want to. But I looked at him lying there, and I loved him. Despite all of it. I lay next to him and kissed him and I was surprised how tenderly he kissed me back. He told me that I was making him a “pussy”. We lay together all through the night. And he didn’t use drugs that day. That was day 10 clean. That was yesterday.
This morning I had to get up to drive home. We lay together and told each other how much we love one another. He told me that the anti-anxiety medication had helped a lot. But he was still having a hard time and having cravings. I told him to try to get some sleep. I told him to fight and not give up. I told him to ask God to lead him. When I left to go home, I kissed him and hugged him and cried. I cried because I don't know if he will decide to use today. I don’t know if he will throw away all of the progress he has made. I made a decision as I left- to leave my love in the hands of God. I prayed for God to give him the opportunity to get well. I can’t control any of this. Everything is uncertain. We only have today. I choose to have boundaries now. I choose to say no. I choose to love him. I choose to give his recovery to God. I choose to start my own recovery. On the drive home, I heard a song. In it, the lover begged his love to let him go so he could let her go. I screamed in anguish; the thought is the most pain I ever had. I don’t know what will happen but I’m not ready to let go. I still believe in him. I pray that you never love someone like I do and feel the pain that I feel but if you are reading this, you probably already do love someone like I do and have already felt my pain or worse.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Pearlady,
I've felt this pain.
About 7 months ago, I was feeling nostalgic and wanted to watch Mrs. Doubtfire with my kids and their dad. I'd forgotten how it ended, and when I realized that Robin Williams and Sally Field don't get back together in the end, I lost it. I couldn't accept it. I regretted watching the movie. I hated the movie.
Love is supposed to win!
Little did I know that a month later I'd be filing for divorce from my husband. I realized that no matter how bad I wanted it to, love couldn't fix his addiction.
Love doesn't always win.
I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope things do work out for you, but just know that sometimes you don't get to choose how things will end.
Please, whatever you do, don't join him anymore in this addiction. And please take care of yourself, not just him. We can really get lost in trying to fix our partners, at the expense of our own wellbeing.
Best wishes to you.
I've felt this pain.
About 7 months ago, I was feeling nostalgic and wanted to watch Mrs. Doubtfire with my kids and their dad. I'd forgotten how it ended, and when I realized that Robin Williams and Sally Field don't get back together in the end, I lost it. I couldn't accept it. I regretted watching the movie. I hated the movie.
Love is supposed to win!
Little did I know that a month later I'd be filing for divorce from my husband. I realized that no matter how bad I wanted it to, love couldn't fix his addiction.
Love doesn't always win.
I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope things do work out for you, but just know that sometimes you don't get to choose how things will end.
Please, whatever you do, don't join him anymore in this addiction. And please take care of yourself, not just him. We can really get lost in trying to fix our partners, at the expense of our own wellbeing.
Best wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by pearlady 
I’ve read a lot about co-dependency and enabling, and I can say that I fit into both categories, but I refuse to be categorized. Those terms come laced with judgment and blame. At least, that’s how I feel when someone says that I belong in that category.
Generally, he was pleasant when he was drinking. So it was easy for me to rationalize that it wasn’t as big a problem. But before I knew it, it was getting out of hand.
I ripped the world open. I told his mom what he was doing. .
Generally, he was pleasant when he was drinking. So it was easy for me to rationalize that it wasn’t as big a problem. But before I knew it, it was getting out of hand.
I ripped the world open. I told his mom what he was doing. .
2. You keep him drinking because he is more pleasant to be around (I know you'll deny this too.)
3. You are trying to get his family members to help you control him.
I am both a recovering codependent and alcoholic. To be real honest with you, if I were around you, I would probably have to drink.
Forget him and get help for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Dear Heart you have said it all and so much more that so many of us have.. Love my Eddie Lee so much.. know that he will never be the man I met in 1992 or the lover of 2003 again.. and my only place of refuge is here with all of you and my pen that is the key pad.... love to you all .. prayers and understanding for we are all in the same place...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by Eauchiche
1. You refuse to admit that you are codependent
2. You keep him drinking because he is more pleasant to be around (I know you'll deny this too.)
3. You are trying to get his family members to help you control him.
I am both a recovering codependent and alcoholic. To be real honest with you, if I were around you, I would probably have to drink.
Forget him and get help for yourself.
2. You keep him drinking because he is more pleasant to be around (I know you'll deny this too.)
3. You are trying to get his family members to help you control him.
I am both a recovering codependent and alcoholic. To be real honest with you, if I were around you, I would probably have to drink.
Forget him and get help for yourself.
You are very rude.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Pearlady
Sorry you feel that way. I thought you were here asking for help. which is what I was trying to do. I misunderstood. My apologies!!!
Thanks ,Nata, for your concern about my program. I have 2-1/2 years sober. Have a beautiful day!!!
Sorry you feel that way. I thought you were here asking for help. which is what I was trying to do. I misunderstood. My apologies!!!
Thanks ,Nata, for your concern about my program. I have 2-1/2 years sober. Have a beautiful day!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Boyertown, Pa
Posts: 4
I have been in your shoes for 8 years. For me leaving is not an option. When asked why I am still with her my response is only that 'I love her" and I will not discuss my leaving any further. I've brought her back from dead twice, I won't do anything to help her get drugs, but I won't let her kill herself either. You have my utmost sympathy, respect and admiration. We should start group for those of us who choose to stay.
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