i need to to this
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
i need to to this
I have the paperwork to file for divorce. He's drinking a lot again. We've talked about divorce for the past three months and BOTH ( me too - won't lie) keep coming up with reasons or just putting it off. Due to all his name calling, accusations of infidelity ( now it's my boss and my bisexual girlfriend), I now now a six bedroom house, two new end tables, two new windows and a host of bad memories about the reason behind the reconstruction. He always builds me stuff when he gets abusive.
I've been working at a local nursing home as a charge nurse until I get my acceptance letter to the last two semesters of the RN program. School starts in the fall. He was always really good at sabotaging my school, if you guys remember.....
Why is something that would release me from such hell, be so hard to do? What the hell is wrong with me????
I'm still in counseling. The kids have been sheltered from all this. We have both gotten REALLY good at simply fighting via text.... Boy we're such winners.
I've cried, yelled, and fought like hell for this marriage. In marriage counseling he told me, "the marriage is **** and I hate it".... And then told me the only reason he sleeps with me is because he is thinking with his Johnson.
I've come back because I need to file those papers. I'm wasting my life away and I am never going to learn to love me if I have him around.....
Sad thing is that his words don't even hurt me anymore... I'm numb to them and that is pathetic.....
I've been working at a local nursing home as a charge nurse until I get my acceptance letter to the last two semesters of the RN program. School starts in the fall. He was always really good at sabotaging my school, if you guys remember.....
Why is something that would release me from such hell, be so hard to do? What the hell is wrong with me????
I'm still in counseling. The kids have been sheltered from all this. We have both gotten REALLY good at simply fighting via text.... Boy we're such winners.
I've cried, yelled, and fought like hell for this marriage. In marriage counseling he told me, "the marriage is **** and I hate it".... And then told me the only reason he sleeps with me is because he is thinking with his Johnson.
I've come back because I need to file those papers. I'm wasting my life away and I am never going to learn to love me if I have him around.....
Sad thing is that his words don't even hurt me anymore... I'm numb to them and that is pathetic.....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile....I am glad that you came back.
If you were to make a list of what you are afraid of....in chronological order...from the most fearful, on down....what would the top contenders be?
You don't have to ask us "What the hell is wrong with me?"...because, down deep, we always know.....(just afraid to think it or say it).....
The "list" becomes the To Do List.....baby step, by baby step, by baby step......
I am equally glad that you have been able to continue your schooling.......!
dandylion
If you were to make a list of what you are afraid of....in chronological order...from the most fearful, on down....what would the top contenders be?
You don't have to ask us "What the hell is wrong with me?"...because, down deep, we always know.....(just afraid to think it or say it).....
The "list" becomes the To Do List.....baby step, by baby step, by baby step......
I am equally glad that you have been able to continue your schooling.......!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm sorry Free, but so glad you came back to post & talk about it. Just start anywhere & do the next right thing - the path will unfold as you walk.
How are you feeling after your surgeries last fall?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
(((FTS)))
You have a lot of negative self talk going on right now - haha - it is very clear to me when someone ELSE is doing it!
You are beating yourself up for working very, very hard at a marriage, and for working hard at keeping your promise when you got married. There is no shame, nothing pathetic, and nothing wrong with you in that. You tried - HARD. You just deserve better than you got. Way better. That's all. The day you submit that paperwork, I hope you can rest easy that you did every damn thing you could do.
You are learning to love you....CLEARLY. That is why this is painful, that is why you are hard on yourself about staying , and that is why you see that you deserve better. Your recovery is so obvious to me in your posts. <3
Hang in there - today sounds like an awful day, but it is part of the process...and even if you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment, it is there - just a couple more curves to get around before it shines bright enough to grab.
Friday meetings always help me
(((FTS)))
You have a lot of negative self talk going on right now - haha - it is very clear to me when someone ELSE is doing it!
You are beating yourself up for working very, very hard at a marriage, and for working hard at keeping your promise when you got married. There is no shame, nothing pathetic, and nothing wrong with you in that. You tried - HARD. You just deserve better than you got. Way better. That's all. The day you submit that paperwork, I hope you can rest easy that you did every damn thing you could do.
You are learning to love you....CLEARLY. That is why this is painful, that is why you are hard on yourself about staying , and that is why you see that you deserve better. Your recovery is so obvious to me in your posts. <3
Hang in there - today sounds like an awful day, but it is part of the process...and even if you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment, it is there - just a couple more curves to get around before it shines bright enough to grab.
Friday meetings always help me
(((FTS)))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The kids have been sheltered from all this.
The everyday interactions of two unhappy people, one an alcoholic the other codependent, cohabitating together is not an example of a healthy loving relationship but the only one they witness as to what a marriage is really all about.
I stayed with my husband thinking it was best for my kids. I wanted them to grow up in a home with both parents but when it was pointed out to me that more likely than not my kids would repeat their father’s behavior in their own interpersonal relationships when they grew up because that is what they know. I didn’t want my boys to be controllers or treat their GF’s or wives as property and ordering them around. I didn’t want them to think a marriage was one person isolating themselves off from the family and showing anger when having to actually participate in family things.
For me it was no longer about ME and my fears because what my kids were witnessing was my biggest fear. It’s not easy getting out, lots of disruption to the status quo of our lives but once you are really truly out it is the best freeing feeling in the world.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Glad to see you back here. I mean, I'm sorry things have been bad, but I didn't think things looked too promising when you were here last.
How much of your reluctance do you think is about the kids--they're his kids, right? I know that was a big part of your worry before.
Maybe it's time to reconnect with your DV advocate? Maybe she can help you put together a workable plan that won't feel as scary.
I hate to see you losing your happiness to this situation--it doesn't look to me, from here, like there's any real hope for happiness as long as you're with him.
Hugs,
How much of your reluctance do you think is about the kids--they're his kids, right? I know that was a big part of your worry before.
Maybe it's time to reconnect with your DV advocate? Maybe she can help you put together a workable plan that won't feel as scary.
I hate to see you losing your happiness to this situation--it doesn't look to me, from here, like there's any real hope for happiness as long as you're with him.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Hi Free
Missed you
Sounds like you have tried and tried and tried.
The abuse and the drinking are still two separate things,
and now he's doing both again.
Oddly, that may make it easier to pull the trigger on the divorce filing
when you're ready.
I'm also glad you've managed to keep the education going despite it all
Missed you
Sounds like you have tried and tried and tried.
The abuse and the drinking are still two separate things,
and now he's doing both again.
Oddly, that may make it easier to pull the trigger on the divorce filing
when you're ready.
I'm also glad you've managed to keep the education going despite it all
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yes, Hawkeye m akes a good, and important point, I think.....
Abuse is a separate and additional thing , on top of the alcohol.
It seems that he has had these delusions concerning your cheating, the entire time.
These dynamics go very, very, deep in his psyche........
As usual....be mindful of your safety.....
dandylion
Abuse is a separate and additional thing , on top of the alcohol.
It seems that he has had these delusions concerning your cheating, the entire time.
These dynamics go very, very, deep in his psyche........
As usual....be mindful of your safety.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi N.
I'm really sorry that your best effort wasn't good enough.
I was actually thinking of you yesterday, and was wondering how you were doing. I was missing you. I always loved your sense of humor. No matter how much chit the world was throwing at you, you always seemed to walk through that. It was a special quality that you always had that really endeared me to you.
If I remember correctly his children were in their teens or getting close to that. I remember that they felt closer to you then him.
I don't know the situation right now, I just know that you aren't sounding like yourself anymore. You sound strong in your resolution, but it seems like he was extinguishing some of the light that you have.
You are a spitfire. You have the soul of the wolf. I want to see that again.
I hope you remember that I said I would always be here for you, because I will.
You're such a strong person, but sometimes even a strong person needs to lean once in awhile. This forum is here for you. I'm here for you.
The things that he said to you are awful. I do know how they don't even affect us anymore. I would like to say that I would like to slam the door on his "johnson".
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
I'm really sorry that your best effort wasn't good enough.
I was actually thinking of you yesterday, and was wondering how you were doing. I was missing you. I always loved your sense of humor. No matter how much chit the world was throwing at you, you always seemed to walk through that. It was a special quality that you always had that really endeared me to you.
If I remember correctly his children were in their teens or getting close to that. I remember that they felt closer to you then him.
I don't know the situation right now, I just know that you aren't sounding like yourself anymore. You sound strong in your resolution, but it seems like he was extinguishing some of the light that you have.
You are a spitfire. You have the soul of the wolf. I want to see that again.
I hope you remember that I said I would always be here for you, because I will.
You're such a strong person, but sometimes even a strong person needs to lean once in awhile. This forum is here for you. I'm here for you.
The things that he said to you are awful. I do know how they don't even affect us anymore. I would like to say that I would like to slam the door on his "johnson".
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by freetosmile
"the marriage is **** and I hate it".... And then told me the only reason he sleeps with me is because he is thinking with his Johnson.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hi FTS I have thought about you over the past couple of months.
I'm unsure why we stay in situations like this. I have friends who are in something very similar. The abuse in the marriage goes both ways. Last night they got into ANOTHER physical altercation. Lots of screaming and wishing that each would die, name calling, slapping, choking, and threats of shooting.
This has been going on for 4 years. Last Monday she filed for divorce. Its happened before so I don't put a lot of stock in that she has filed.
the best I can tell as to why they don't divorce or separate (well they have actually several times but always get back together) is financial. I do believe there is more to it than that, but that is primary. They still have sex with each other as well though do not share the same bedroom.
I think they both feel trapped. Financially they live above their means a bit. Two households is a lot. One (husband) ends up living in accommodations that are substandard to what he makes. Wife ends up in the much nicer house with a pool and the kids because her name is on the lease. Husband feels angry "she gets it all". She could be more fair but refuses. She could do things that would help but refuses. He has a horrific temper and rages, can't communicate without being hateful which doesn't exactly lend toward her making things easy. She received a large inheritance about a year ago and sunk it into a new business which isn't producing any money and wont for a while. They were in the midst of another divorce at that time. Now, when its more necessary than ever, she has nothing to fall back on financially but him. He resents her for "pissing" the money away and leaving him to save the day. Yes, she could collect alimony most likely and child support but there is no money for attorneys and the have self filed. Its just a mess.
I think when people feel trapped they stay and then they get very, very angry at the apparent loss of control of their lives. They really begin to hate what is trapping them. All situations are different, but divorce is unpleasant and hard. I think when its already awful the idea of it becoming more awful, even for a temporary period, is unacceptable.
I'll tell you what I told her. All people have the capacity to hurt others beyond what they think they would. When abuse is involved, even if it just verbal, it will escalate. Someone can end up hurt, someone could end up dead. This isn't a murderer, rather an accident waiting to happen. A crime of passion. Blind rage.
I implore you to move forward and get out of this situation for your safety, his safety, and the safety of your children. I said this to my friend last night. She can walk on the lease. She has several vehicles in her name she can sell. She is perfectly capable of working. It won't be easy, but really it is easy.
There is nothing for you here. You worked on the marriage and it didn't work. Hs drinking is back out of control. Move along, you have done what you can.
I'm unsure why we stay in situations like this. I have friends who are in something very similar. The abuse in the marriage goes both ways. Last night they got into ANOTHER physical altercation. Lots of screaming and wishing that each would die, name calling, slapping, choking, and threats of shooting.
This has been going on for 4 years. Last Monday she filed for divorce. Its happened before so I don't put a lot of stock in that she has filed.
the best I can tell as to why they don't divorce or separate (well they have actually several times but always get back together) is financial. I do believe there is more to it than that, but that is primary. They still have sex with each other as well though do not share the same bedroom.
I think they both feel trapped. Financially they live above their means a bit. Two households is a lot. One (husband) ends up living in accommodations that are substandard to what he makes. Wife ends up in the much nicer house with a pool and the kids because her name is on the lease. Husband feels angry "she gets it all". She could be more fair but refuses. She could do things that would help but refuses. He has a horrific temper and rages, can't communicate without being hateful which doesn't exactly lend toward her making things easy. She received a large inheritance about a year ago and sunk it into a new business which isn't producing any money and wont for a while. They were in the midst of another divorce at that time. Now, when its more necessary than ever, she has nothing to fall back on financially but him. He resents her for "pissing" the money away and leaving him to save the day. Yes, she could collect alimony most likely and child support but there is no money for attorneys and the have self filed. Its just a mess.
I think when people feel trapped they stay and then they get very, very angry at the apparent loss of control of their lives. They really begin to hate what is trapping them. All situations are different, but divorce is unpleasant and hard. I think when its already awful the idea of it becoming more awful, even for a temporary period, is unacceptable.
I'll tell you what I told her. All people have the capacity to hurt others beyond what they think they would. When abuse is involved, even if it just verbal, it will escalate. Someone can end up hurt, someone could end up dead. This isn't a murderer, rather an accident waiting to happen. A crime of passion. Blind rage.
I implore you to move forward and get out of this situation for your safety, his safety, and the safety of your children. I said this to my friend last night. She can walk on the lease. She has several vehicles in her name she can sell. She is perfectly capable of working. It won't be easy, but really it is easy.
There is nothing for you here. You worked on the marriage and it didn't work. Hs drinking is back out of control. Move along, you have done what you can.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hi again, FTS. I've been thinking about why you choose to stay in the abuse. The only thing I can think of is it has become your "normal". His abuse seems to not really even phase you that much any more. It's like you've been beaten into submission. And his stating that the marriage is ****** and then stating his disrespect in regard to the sex -- well, it kind of seems he's tiring of it, too. He doesn't get the same reactions from you anymore since you've been beaten down into his submission and it's not "fun" for him anymore. God, what a sick, sick-minded individual he is. I truly pray that you find your self-worth and know that no one should endure the abuse he doles out to you. You deserve a NEW normal.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
FTS,
Welcome back hon, we haven't seen you for a while. Glad with all the craziness that you are still attending school to better yourself. Filing those papers for the divorce is nothing compared to what you have lived. You are so much better then that piece of paper with a man who has a terrible disease. My kids "now" come from a "broken" home, but I will never live with active addition in my home again. I feel a "broken" home status, makes for a healthier mom and kids, then a mom and children living with mass destruction of an active addict.
Please don't waste any more money attending marriage counseling. Many counselors if they know someone is a addict, they will not even work with them. Your marriage problems stem from his addictions and all the other issues he has. There is no way of saving something between the two of you when he can't even save himself. Take the counselor and go yourself, I feel you would get more out of it.
Even if you filed and he got sober immediately. You can hold off on finalizing the divorce if he turns into this amazing, kind, thoughtful, generous human being. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose.
I have been divorced about 1 1/2 years after 34 years together. My life is good and ordinary. His is a major train wreck. Needless to say I am no longer his care taker and dealing with his fires everyday. You can do this, he is not healthy and a very far distance from ever becoming a loving husband. Take care of you FTS, you are loved and you can accomplish anything you set your mind too!!
Hugs my friend, we are all here for you!!
Welcome back hon, we haven't seen you for a while. Glad with all the craziness that you are still attending school to better yourself. Filing those papers for the divorce is nothing compared to what you have lived. You are so much better then that piece of paper with a man who has a terrible disease. My kids "now" come from a "broken" home, but I will never live with active addition in my home again. I feel a "broken" home status, makes for a healthier mom and kids, then a mom and children living with mass destruction of an active addict.
Please don't waste any more money attending marriage counseling. Many counselors if they know someone is a addict, they will not even work with them. Your marriage problems stem from his addictions and all the other issues he has. There is no way of saving something between the two of you when he can't even save himself. Take the counselor and go yourself, I feel you would get more out of it.
Even if you filed and he got sober immediately. You can hold off on finalizing the divorce if he turns into this amazing, kind, thoughtful, generous human being. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose.
I have been divorced about 1 1/2 years after 34 years together. My life is good and ordinary. His is a major train wreck. Needless to say I am no longer his care taker and dealing with his fires everyday. You can do this, he is not healthy and a very far distance from ever becoming a loving husband. Take care of you FTS, you are loved and you can accomplish anything you set your mind too!!
Hugs my friend, we are all here for you!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
^^^same for me, when I decided to get a divorce, with 3 very small children.
I left a marriage that looked "perfect" to the outside world....
Being a single parent with 3 little kids and working full time wasn't a picnic.....but, I can tell the world that the sweet taste of "freedom" when those "prison doors" were opened was something that I will never forget....
He was controlling in nature...and I knew that couldn't live that....give up my soul for the rest of my life!!
I am struck by something that redatlanta made in her post.....that, when things are already awful, people are reluctant to make it more awful---even for a temporary period.
I think she is right...and I think it comes from the inability to look at the bigger picture and see that the overall gain is the more important goal.....
LOL....I am always calling it : short-term pain for the long-term gain.
In psychology, they call it delayed gratification.....
Fts....the thing that I remember when you were going through the "crap" the last time....you did better when you got "angry". Anger seemed to give you the motivation to act....
LOL...I wish that you could get angry enough, again, to do what you know that you need to do....(directing the anger into a constructive direction).......
In the past...we did a lot of discussion of safety planning...plan B and plan C...
That issue still remains important, of course.....
dandylion
I left a marriage that looked "perfect" to the outside world....
Being a single parent with 3 little kids and working full time wasn't a picnic.....but, I can tell the world that the sweet taste of "freedom" when those "prison doors" were opened was something that I will never forget....
He was controlling in nature...and I knew that couldn't live that....give up my soul for the rest of my life!!
I am struck by something that redatlanta made in her post.....that, when things are already awful, people are reluctant to make it more awful---even for a temporary period.
I think she is right...and I think it comes from the inability to look at the bigger picture and see that the overall gain is the more important goal.....
LOL....I am always calling it : short-term pain for the long-term gain.
In psychology, they call it delayed gratification.....
Fts....the thing that I remember when you were going through the "crap" the last time....you did better when you got "angry". Anger seemed to give you the motivation to act....
LOL...I wish that you could get angry enough, again, to do what you know that you need to do....(directing the anger into a constructive direction).......
In the past...we did a lot of discussion of safety planning...plan B and plan C...
That issue still remains important, of course.....
dandylion
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