prodigal

Well, at least my AH is finally taking me places rather than just laying around the house getting trashed. Now we go places and he gets trashed! (Like I should be surprised, right?) We went camping two weeks ago, and our last night there he fell on his face on the gravel drive leading up to the campsite. I simply told him he should go to the bathroom to wash his face because he was bleeding. You think his having to look in a mirror at a smashed-up face would be some sort of wake-up call for him to say to himself, "Man, I really DO have a problem!" Nah. He just accepts it as part of his lifestyle. "I drink, I fall down, I get hurt. No biggie."

This past week was our wedding anniversary and he took me to an expensive B&B which offered a two-day cooking school, fantastic meals, and a food and wine-pairing dinner. (He sure loved that!) Of course, everyone was back in their room by 9:30 p.m., and with no phone or t.v. (the B&B was a home built in 1766) my AH would proceed to gulp down scotch along with wine so he passed out on the couch each night.

I just blow most of it off and realize he's got a disease that appears to be getting progressively worse. The main problem is, when he really starts drinking to the point that he's staggering around and falling down, I'm TOTALLY turned off by him. The thought of him touching me grosses me out.

Of course, there's also the crap he pulled on me this past April to June when he went on these rants and accused me of all sorts of whacky stuff and said really terrible things to me. Yeah, I can say to myself it's the booze talking, but I think to some extent he really believes the awful things he says - he just needs the booze to loosen his tongue enough to say them.

I wonder how everyone else here deals with their drunk when they can't really totally get away from them. After all, being on a vacation pretty much eliminates the chances of just getting in the car and leaving your partner in the middle of nowhere stranded!

brightlight

We just got back from almost two weeks of a vacation. Started on Monday and we drove with two kids to his brother's house and got there on Wed. I met the brother's girlfriend and her two kids. Brother was drinking and offered my husband beer. They drank and ate a little supper and then was going on an errand and would be right back. Around midnight the girlfriend and I got upset and decided to go find them. They were at a cousin's house and drinking. I will try to make this short - I wanted money for a motel, which my husband had the cash. My purse was in the truck and his niece and her friend had been in there. My wallet was missing, but no money was in there. Everybody got to arguing. I decided to leave and wanted the keys to our truck. Nope, he kept them. I was going to walk with the kids to the motel and he said that he was not picking us up, to just keep walking and he was not picking our a***s up. The girlfriend gave us a ride to a motel. Husband and brother later went home and never noticed we were not there. Next morning my husband was looking for us and I called and asked if he was dumping us in that town. After yelling and calling him all kinds of names we went on for the rest of the trip.

Petunia

There's nothing that says we have to accept unacceptable behavior. For us as CoDe and Al Anoners sometimes we have to make plans that are not always convenient.

Going on a family vacation and then abadoning the family is not acceptable behavior. My F just did this as recently as this month on a "family" vacation that was schedule for more than 6 months. Got in a "mood", had one of his tantrums and left for 4 hours - no goodbye, no "I'm leaving because...", no "I'll be back ...", he left my M in tears and me thinking, ohh S@#$ here we go again. But we didn't b/c my when he got back and still didn't say anything to anyone, like I'm back or what we should have said "I'm sorry", we decided enough is enough and packed up to go back home. We lasted less than 24 hours, but today when I look back I realize I gained my confidence that the world would not come crashing down if I stood up for me and my family.

My M tried to smooth everything over with the "everything is okay now", maybe for her and maybe she can pretend that nothing is wrong but I'm working hard to live in the real world of sane actions and I don't choose to be treated that way anymore. I am sad that she can't say to him "You don't get to just run away when you're upset, this is the last time I'm going on vacation with you. I've packed my stuff and I am going home." But she has to find her own answer.

I guess what I wanted you to know is that it seems scary to do things differently but we grow when things change. Maybe a "vacation" at a motel with just the kids and a pool is a better vacation. No drinking, fighting, frustration, resentments...could be a little slice of serenity.

I'm 36 and my F still acts the same way. The only thing that has changed is that I won't accept his unacceptable behavior any longer.

I wish for you a few moments of peace this weekend -
Petunia

Peaches04

Hi Prodigal..I can so relate. My AH made arrangements for my b-day and we went on a mini-vacation. I was just so damn happy he had acutally thought of ME for once - I was on cloud nine. We did have a great time, but in retrospect I look back, and now that I'm out of denial - realize the fact that the second night we were there and he got so drunk from drinking all day, we left the restaraunt early and went home - he passed out. I am assuming that is not how everyone's vacations go. Then a few weeks ago, his grandmother died (they weren't close) - so he left me at the hotel with the kids for 3 hrs (to go look at his father's grave) which was okay, except then I found out he and his mom and his brother had spent the majority of the time driving around looking for a wine store. Anyway, he got back and the kids were starving (it was 6:00), so I told him we were going to eat - and his mom, brother and he said "well, we've eaten"... so, I'm thinking - well, thanks everybody! but, anyway, they said "but, we could eat again"...so we get in the car and are debating about where to eat and we finally decided something and I said "okay, let's go!"...and I swear the son of a b*** BLEW UP. Don't know what it was...the most bizarre behavior ever. Just went crazy - zoomed down the road as fast as he could...got out and made a huge scene in front of his mother and brother like I was such a b***. I was dazed...stuck in the middle of nowhere, with no-one to help me out. We had to drive home the next day and I swear I barely said one word on the way home, except to my kids. Know that I know what I know...I would have gotten the kids and flown back, or called him out in front of his family...I don't know. I guess my point is this - it was one of the worst experiences in my life...and I've never never wanted to be able to disappear like I did that night. ugh!!!!

brightlight

The errand my husband and his brother were going on was to see their father's grave. Of course the girlfriend and I would NEVER want to stop them from doing that noble deed. The brother was going to show my husband where the grave was. I guess they drove by on the way to the liquor store and he said there is the grave over there.

Peaches04

oh brightlight, what is it with these graves! and you're right - it's not like you can say anything, and to be honest - I was such a dope, it never occured to me they'd take advantage of it and disappear for a while, leaving us at that hotel! What a nightmare...well, it's good to know Im not the only one who got dumped for the grave excuse...geez!!

WHYOWHY

Hi Peaches -
It's been so long since my AH and I went anywhere together ....that MY idea of a vaction these days ..is going to Wal-mart together (and I am not kidding).
My husband DOES send his brain on vaction to "Budwiserville"...but that's about it.


My AHs idea of a good time is getting drunk and playing video games on his computer.
I'm talking 6 - 8 hours a night!
MY nights are spent alone downstairs........

Oh wait ...I DO get the pleasure of his company ....when he comes downstairs drunk & slurrs some stupid sentance or does a dance or cooks something (I am so afraid he will burn our house down).

I am a "Newbie" here ...so I don't have any real advice to give ...
A t this point ....all I have isjust alot of anger and frustration ....but I can definetly relate to so many things I read in everyones posts.........that is very encouraging.......
Thanks for reading

Peaches04

hi whyowhy - it is nice to know that others have these same issues and we are not the 'odd ducks', isn't it! It had never occured to me how often things were screwed up because of him - but, when I saw this thread I started thinking back and I realized how true it is! I asked mine to leave last night, so I know today is going to be hard on me. I'm sure I will be on here a lot - looking for encouragement. My heart is sick because I have 2 kids, but I think in the long run, if he doesn't get help - I made the right decision. I just hope I don't give up...

WHYOWHY

This is a BIG DAY" for you Peaches.........
I am SO there for you....
You do need to stay strong...and keep reminding yourself WHY you asked him to leave!
I don't know you .....and I don't know your situation in detail....but I DO know that this life is NOT a dress rehearsal ....this is the one we have.......and YOU deserve to be happy!
Drunks don't make people happy .......
They suck your soul while they suck their drinks.
AND.......You also have the extra burden of protecting your children from the crazyness.
Your kids need to know that it is NOT O.K. to be drunk .....that it's NOT O.K. to see Daddy acting "funny" ..and if they are not old enough now ..they soon will be & they will suffer ....because children need to trust & depend on their parents.
You and I both know ..YOU CANNOT DEPEND OR TRUST A DRUNK!
This is going to be so hard for you......for awhile.
I hope , however....that you will find yourself again ...and ..in time.......be able to look back on this & be very proud that you had the courage to move forward........into a much healthier & peaceful future....for you & your kids.
Hope this helps..........