thotful

My daughter is almost 8 months old and hasn't met my parents. We've made many offers and opportunities. There was one instance where it seemed like it would happen (mother insisted it had to be at our home), but we realized there was a conflict. I called my mother and stated that we wouldn't be available, but would be at my nephews hockey game that weekend. Would she meet our daughter then? She declined.

Invites to lunch, the library, etc, all turned down (not directly, just ignored e-mails)

The latest effort was to ask if we could visit my parents home and spend some "personal time with them" (my pc way of pointing out that I didn't want any cut-off siblings there). I asked my mother to let me know a day and time that would work for them. She said she could do that (even though apparently one of my CO siblings was living with her now? don't know why - didn't think it was my business - didn't ask). That was months ago. I didn't hear back.

I will also note that my wife and I attend a dancing group every other week that my mother introduced us to; She stopped going completely. Very awkward questions ensued like, "hey, where's your Mom thotful?", "I don't know, why don't you ask her?" -- My wife and I are sure she's not attending to avoid us.

So, other sibs were upset with me that I didn't attend my parents 50th.

I didn't see the point where they were refusing to meet our little girl (as well as nasty comments on my fb from my mother such as, "too bad your little girl won't be loved and cuddled by 20 relatives" - which I didn't fully understand because only a specific few individuals are not allowed to see my daughter - or was she trying to say that their whole "FAAAMILY" was rejecting my daughter? don't know - deleted that message and unfriended her after that - told her to give me a call to discuss it for real)

Anyways,
Do you share anything with other relatives? Like for instance, my niece gets along with my family (me, wife, daughter) just fine.

Do I share with her that I didn't attend my parents 50th for more reasons than just the cut-off siblings - mostly because my parents have basically rejected my family and we knew we really weren't welcome (massive e-mails that include our email don't count as 'we'd like to see you' in my opinion - actions are louder such as NOT seeing my daughter).

Sometimes I get the urge to talk about it with her (through fb message, what have you?), but another part of me says, "umm, are you just stirring up drama here with this?" Does she need to know any of it? She's cool with us regardless.

Thomas45

What purpose would sharing something of this nature serve other than seeking validation in your choices? In my own opinion, if it isn't their business, it isn't their burden. It kinda forces your niece into picking sides in the matter.

hopeful4

I would only share about it should she (niece) bring it up to you. She is likely fine with them as well and just does not want to get in the middle of it.

It sounds to me like your mother is trying to control you, to say basically if you are unwilling to have a relationship with the other family members she wants you to, she is not going to have a relationship with you either. That is her choice, and she will suffer the consequences.

In the mean time, I would tell your DD that there are some family issues and that visitation is not possible at this time, but it is in no way her fault, and has no reflection on her.

Just my .02

FireSprite

What purpose would it serve if your relationship with your niece is already perfectly fine?

If she were to ask I'd be honest about my feelings but going to her & purposely bringing up the topic can only mean you are looking for validation of some sort (or poking around to see if she shares things that they've told her on the other side).

Why drag her in? My answer to the above would be: Yes, it's a drama-filled-move.

atalose

I personally prefer face to face talks rather than emails, texts and FB messages especially with something of this nature. I think if your niece were to ask you specifically why you didn’t attend then dependent on her age you could explain how you “feel” about things.

My niece who is in her 20’s is very much into the drama with her mother and they both use FB as a battlefield for all the world to see because they both are looking for validation and for people to pick sides.

My 40 year old alcoholic SIL also uses text messages and FB as a battlefield and stage for her dramatic performances.

I think when these people draw us into it we have every right to de-friend them on FB and to not respond to texts and or block them completely.

I used to think that by avoiding people like that was like running away and I always felt that I had to defend myself and defend myself to whomever would listen. Now I know better.

thotful

Thanks, I agree with the responses. I haven't contacted my niece about the issue.

I am changing behavior and it's particularly difficult. My old MO was to talk about any and all details with OTHER people and not the person I have conflict with; Now, I'm trying to tread down a new path.

Thanks for the reminder. No need to involve the niece in the drama.

How do you keep yourself on track with this stuff? Like a rule you can follow to avoid it?

Is it a simple, if they don't ask and it's not about them, don't offer the info. And if they do ask, is there a protocol to follow?

I've been so used to and familiar to a different way, it's hard to break the cycle. I was so enmeshed for so long and sharing everything under the sun. I'm trying to keep boundaries and what-not and often get confused about what's appropriate to share and what's not and how to choose. Even when someone DOES ask.

FireSprite

It IS tough to navigate this stuff, I agree. Even harder when we're trying to protect our children from drama/dysfunction!!

For me I found that I respond with my recovery in check when I listen more than I talk and when I take time to think my answers all the way through instead of talking unfiltered.

I also try to stick to "I" statements and not talk about the other person beyond what I KNOW to be true..... which means not talking about what I *think* ... only what I *know*.... not always the same thing!

I don't KNOW how someone else feels or exactly WHY they act the way that they do unless they tell me directly - anything more than that is me making assumptions & holding others to it as fact.

LexieCat

One good rule of thumb I've heard many times is to do a quick mental rundown: "Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful to someone?" and if the answer is no, just keep your mouth shut. I try to check my own motives: "What am I hoping to get out of sharing this information?" Sometimes I want someone to join me in a resentment. Sometimes I want to look better than someone else. When those are the primary motivators, I TRY to keep my mouth shut. Not always successful--we are all imperfect human beans and sometimes do the wrong thing. Still, if we keep trying we are bound to improve.