lovetolisten

I don't believe I will ever get sober for good. I stick with it for a while, but always come back to alcohol.

I am so incredibly happy when I am sober, but I cannot stay away from drinking for any extended period of time. I always "give in." I convince myself one or two won't hurt, even though I know for a fact that is not true.

I have read every book, done therapy, gone to AA... to be honest, I think the problem is that I don't take it seriously enough. Because I haven't lost everything, there are moments I convince myself that getting sober is not vital. But how much more do I have to lose before I "get" it? My life is messy right now, not to mention how unhappy I am to still be on this rollercoaster. I can't take much more of the self-loathing, anxiety, regret, etc.

Here's where this is coming from - I went to a concert out of state that I had been looking forward to for months. Decided it wouldn't be the end of the world to "have a few," had too much, and don't remember most of the concert that I was so looking forward to experiencing. How sad is that? What I do remember though is falling forward, and badly bruising my leg... I was literally fall down drunk, yet I still don't think this is a big problem?

Thanks for reading. I am lost

Anna

Denial is a huge part of alcoholism and it's typical for your mind to make excuses for things that are happening.

One thing I know for sure is that it's hard to stop drinking and stay sober. It takes both motivation and commitment. You can do it!

suzyzipper

I can so relate. The mind games I play with myself are the worst. I sometimes wish things would fall apart so I'd have to make a choice rather than living in limbo.

ScottFromWI

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. The answer to your question is whenever you choose to "get" it. The only consequence that you cannot avoid is death - and while that might sound like an overreaction, people die every single day from alcoholism.

My point is that you'll never get sober if you wait for a bad enough consequence - you need to make the decision that being sober is more important to you than drinking. If you don't take that seriously enough - well, you have plenty of proof of what will happen, right?

Soberwolf

I had to stop walking around in circles and accept my alcoholism/alcohol use disorder before any real change could take place

Anyone can get & stay sober if they want to and are prepared to work on themselves it's one of the best decisions I've ever made

LeeJane

I learnt to ACCEPT that I could no longer drink. It simply was not an option to me. Acceptance helped a lot.

entropy1964

Hi LTL

Well, your posts reads like soooo many here. So I believe many will relate, including me.

When considering what I've lost in my drinking, its easy to say I haven't lost my house, my money, my cars, my daughter. But I've lost my self esteem, my 'sense' of self, my soul, my purpose, my zest for life, for starters. Those are pretty big things really. Some of them I maybe never really had in large doses. Or if I did, its been a long time.

I just had to give up the fight. My addiction, when active, is such a huge weight to bear....almost unlivable. I just had to drop the weight to start to float to the top and breath. Hang in there.

Bobbieka

As addicts we are so good at compartmentalizing. I'm sure in your head right now, falling down at the concert wasn't that big of a deal. If you had been sober and watched someone else, you would think, "wow, have another beer."

I'm pretty sure you already think drinking is a big problem for you - or you wouldn't have found this forum. I never searched for a sobriety forum until I felt like I needed help.

As Soberwolf said, working every day to be sober is how it happens. Read, journal, meditate, meetings, whatever it takes. It really is worth the work.

lovetolisten

Thank you all for the considerate replies. I know it's possible - I just can't give up. May 24 sounds like a good anniversary date, doesn't it? I have tried a lot of things, but it's time to talk to a doctor about options, which is happening Friday. I have just had enough - I can't stomach another hangover, humiliation, regret, etc. It is exhausting. "Managing" my drinking has become a full time job - the worst job I've ever had

least

Sounds like you still want to drink more than you want to be sober. When you want to be sober more than you want to drink, then you'll be able to stay sober. Not easy, but simple.

thomas11

So true. I had a crew here working around the house Saturday, one of the guys brought his girlfriend. We were chatting she said her husband died last year. I offered my condolences and asked if he was ill, all she said was "alcohol". I didn't ask any more questions.

fini

i don't think you're lost.
reads more like you're unwilling to take the drinking option off the table.