Expanding

Hi everyone,

Hope you're all doing well. I felt an intense sense of anxiety last night. My face has started to break out incredibly and I even got a stress induced fever blister. My body tends to warn me in these ways when I'm running on low without realizing it or not listening to my feelings. I discovered it's because I agreed to do something this weekend out of habit and it's not longer in my best interest to do so.

I no longer want admission to the "cool kids" table. I no longer want to put "his" feelings before mine. I no longer want to get wasted. I want deeper and dare I say real friendships. I don't want to feel like I have to be part of a couple to enjoy anything. I don't want to drink more to "keep up" or have my own drinking problem sneak up on me.

I am trying really hard not to judge but the more I learn about codependency the more I see these unhealthy behaviors in others and the less I feel I have in common. It's become increasingly difficult to connect, or whatever our version of that was at the time.

I am allowing myself to feel sad or anxious and get to the root of why instead of grabbing a glass of wine. I am having my real friends, who I have neglected SO BADLY, give me reality checks.

Breaking out of habits is more stressful than I remember. I quit smoking cold turkey years ago and I remember how it felt like my whole world was changing. Killing one habit generally means it'll be replaced with another and until that happens it feels like there's a hole in your life. It's scary when it pretty much is your whole life.

I feel like I am leaving behind an entire identity. The rift between who I was and who I am is growing larger each day. I no longer feel like I owe an explanation to anyone. I have tried to reach out and plan things in ways that involve connection and not getting drunk but it hasn't worked well. I may continue trying if I feel so inclined but I won't give in to the pull of my old lifestyle again.

The negativity in that circle is shining like a beacon and I can't be a part of it anymore. My greatest hope is that I can inspire others, lead by example. I know they won't see what I see until they are ready and I can't force them to see, or fix them. Seeing the lack of self love and self respect is so hard. I'm not saying that I am brimming with it myself but there's already a gap in the way I try to relate.

I think a part of me doesn't want to let go because if I do then it's really over. If I'm wavering there's a chance I'll fall back into the pits and connect with a sliver of hope, but if I truly let go and move on it will never happen, because it just wouldn't work. I could never, ever go back. It's silly because even though I'm holding on, the majority of my being does NOT want to go back. This decision has already been made, but it feels like I'm slamming the door shut and I'm still not comfortable with that. I'm sure I could try to close it lightly but idk how...

I then have to fully accept that none of it was real, it was all an illusion, and I'm scared of that pain because I know it's going to be great and I'm going to feel extremely alone. It's like I have one foot on either side of the threshold.

On one side it's easy and all I have to do is step back in. On the other is great pain but then happiness, true to life self love and happiness. The past couple years have been so hard already it's like I have ten miles left of the marathon and I'm afraid that it'll never actually end.

redatlanta

It sounds like you re going through some growing pains. Growing pains affect us throughout life. A new identity is that, and it won't be the last time in life you face that either. Its really good that you recognize what is going on.

Just for the fact that your Ex is enmeshed in that circle is reason to move on from it. You have mentioned several times about "things being real", I suppose if you feel that the relationships were superficial then I can understand that. At the same time it was real, it is what it is. I wouldn't spend too much time delving into the depth of what you deem to be real and not. That can end up being a real mind warp. People outgrow each other, hit splits in the road. Your choice fits you. their choice fits them. One is not better than the other regardless of how you assess their lives to be, they might find satisfaction in their lives - who knows and really what does it matter? Frankly, you sound bored by this "friends" group. If everything they do is about the drink festivities, and you no longer want to do that, then I would expect you all to go your separate ways.

You may read about this is in the alcoholism forum. its not unusual for someone who gets sober to lose connection with friends. Sometimes, its not out of choice, rather the "friends" are uncomfortable doing their thing around new sober person. I have read several times of couples who were edged out of their friends circle, finding out that they were not invited to participate in things, and it hurts yet it also shows them the true depth of the so called friendship. Sometimes it is a choice of the sober person to sever former relationships which they feel to be triggering or unhealthy.

it sounds like you could use some self care or therapy in dealing with all of this. The physical symptoms you are getting are red flags, and I hope you will do what's necessary to get your mind some peace.

FireSprite

Have you read the post "The Awakening"? It sounds a LOT like where you are at right now:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...awakening.html

Everything you spoke about here is truly very normal - it feels like you have let go without anchoring yourself to something new just yet - sort of free-floating out there searching for some balance as you start seeing everything with new eyes. A lot of my core definitions were changing in this process ("love" etc) along with my core relationships - there was a lot of major change happening under the surface with all of that & none of it was easy to explain or even put in to words at all.

You are actually doing really great, if your posts are any indication. It's difficult & scary but you are still putting one foot in front of the other every day & taking the next baby step. That's the important part - not how many times you fall down or how hard you struggle with pieces of it.

This "in between" phase is terribly uncomfortable but all you can do is KEEP GOING because you sure as heck don't want to go back to what you had, right? Hang in there!

dandylion

Expanding....you are very articulate in explaining what I call "short-term pain for long-term gain".......

You are getting there....
As time marches on, you will develop a new normal and make a new history for yourself......
Lol.....someone on this forum wrote that early recovery felt like being a turtle who just crawled out of it"s protective shell into a briar patch......
(I can't remember who!)......

dandylion

FireSprite

honeypig.... it was a term we've adopted from Brene Brown but related WELL for HP, especially since she was having actual run-ins with turtles IRL!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iar-patch.html

dandylion

Thanks, Firesprite!!

dandylion

Liveitwell

This is a very good thread....thanks for posting-incredibly helpful