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Old 05-23-2016, 07:34 PM
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Cool Hello New Here

Hello I'm new here and this will more than likely be long. I am pretty sure I'm an alcoholic. Why is admitting that so very hard? I keep finding loopholes that will make it not so and all it does is fuel the denial. If a friend told me she drinks what I do I would be shocked. And yet I'm too numb with myself to be shocked.

I'm not the "typical" alcoholic if that's even a thing anyways. I am very healthy. I eat well, exercise/run daily, training for marathons. I realize my running would be better if I didn't drink but it's my reward to myself after working so hard.

I don't drink during the day. I'm very functional. I do think I'm depressed. I pretty much drink at night until I fall asleep or pass out.

Last night scared me. I looked over my chats with people and I wrote I was drinking vodka. I have no recollection of drinking vodka . This should be scaring me but again I feel numb to it.

I like alcohol. I am also the responsible drunk. I never drink and drive and get all my responsibilities out of the way before I consume. But when I consume it's a lot.

I gave it up last year for 40 days to train for a race. I gave it up in January. The problem is I always go back and it seems to always be more when I do.

I honestly don't know what to do.
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Old 05-23-2016, 07:45 PM
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Welcome.

Blacking out isn't a good feeling, and it should serve as a warning sign for you. I am not here to convince or tell you whether or not you are an alcoholic, that decision is for you to decide. What I am going to say is that drinking and depression do not go well together--trust me, I know from experience. I got myself upset and depressed one day and went out drinking...then driving...and woke up in jail. You mentioned you don't drink and drive; which is great, because I did not either. I don't remember doing what I did, I completely blacked out that night and to this day I am very much upset at myself and am doing everything I can to stay positive as I deal with the consequences of my stupidity. Luckily I got off easy, luckily I didn't hurt anyone, and thank God I am alive today.

What I am trying to get at is black outs are not a good thing, neither is passing out from being drunk. You may not make bad decisions when you are self-aware, but when you lose that awareness then you are certainly inclined to make bad choices subconsciously--I know this from experience.

I am not going to sit here and tell you that you need to stop drinking. I am going to say, however, that you shouldn't drink if you feel depressed, you shouldn't drink to pass out, you shouldn't drink to black out. It sounds like your health and fitness is important to you. Is drinking alcohol the way you do really helping to further your fitness? You already answered this, but dwell on that a bit.

Again welcome, and keep coming back. I believe you will learn a lot about yourself here and make healthier choices.
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Old 05-23-2016, 07:58 PM
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Welcome Suzy.

There are lots of people here who will be able to help you.
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Old 05-23-2016, 08:13 PM
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Running daily doesn't mean you don't have a problem. I trained for and rode a 200 mile bicycle ride (Seattle to Portland) last summer as a full blown alcoholic. Imagine how well you'll be able to run if you give up alcohol entirely? You'll love how great your life becomes.
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Old 05-23-2016, 08:30 PM
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I've run a few marathons with a hangover. They're much more enjoyable sober!
It sounds like you have a problem and should look at quitting. I know that for you it might seem like a very drastic decision. But you say yourself it is getting worse. You're having black outs- how do you really know you haven't driven if you don't have any memory? And, you're shocked at the amount you drink.
Keep reading here and posting. Welcome to SR. Even if you decide you aren't an alcoholic - and I hope you are not - you will learn something.
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Old 05-23-2016, 08:46 PM
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Trust me I know I never drink and drive. I typically only drink at home which is why.
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Old 05-23-2016, 09:25 PM
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Just my two cents. The minute I think I crossed the line into alcoholism is when I started to argue with the voice in my head that I don't have a drinking problem. If your concerned enough to post and question if you have a problem you probably already do. I would do just about anything to have stopped when I first started telling myself I had a problem back than and kept drinking. I could have avoided so much. I was a full blown alcoholic and could bench 450lbs and could run 10 miles clips at just under and 8 minute pace. Slowly lost that when the drinking overcame my health. Best advise is if you think you got a problem stop drinking because the bottle will take everything your willing to give it. Best of luck!
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Old 05-23-2016, 09:29 PM
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Hi and welcoem Suzy

I think the high achieving, healthy binge drinker type is becoming a 'thing' for sure.

I know you'll find a lot of support and understanding here.

Posting at SR regularly helped me remember I did have a problem, and it stooped me going back when I began to feel better and think that maybe I was over-reacting...

D
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Old 05-24-2016, 12:36 AM
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It is very scary how we rationalise and I am doing it myself still. I guess a small breakthru came when I told my doctor and she gave me a referral to go to the hospital to see how they can help me. Of course that was a few weeks ago but I am going this monday to see what they can do

but yes it is easy to rationalise to say it's ok etc, but I don't think for me that is helping me. I too have memory lapses

For me I lose all sense of reasoning when I drink too much, I don't know how I get home (although I never ever drive) but I thought this morning, how did I get home on Saturday? What if someone attacked me, what if i walked out in front of a car...

Too many what ifs...
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Old 05-24-2016, 12:52 AM
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Problem is Suzy the disease is progressive, eventually you won't be able to run then one day you will be so desperate for more alcohol that you will get in the car and drive. Quit while you can x
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Old 05-24-2016, 12:59 AM
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Alcohol is a drug.

If a person drinks 2 to 4 drinks every day, or binge drinks weekly, or some variation....they're addicted.

Best treat oneself as an addict vs not.

Once over that hurdle, the fight for your life can begin.

Get clean. Change your life a bit. Stay clean.
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Old 05-24-2016, 02:33 AM
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I think that admitting you have a problem is always hard and addiction is an illness at the end of the day. For me, it's how I feel after drinking that makes me feel bad. I am a binge weekend drinker and I can go weeks without a drink, but once I start I can't seem to stop. Do I have a problem? Yes! Am I embarrassed? Yes! Will I get better, well I am working towards it, but admitting the problem is the first step.
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Old 05-24-2016, 03:37 AM
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Hi Suzyzipper
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Old 05-24-2016, 03:52 AM
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Welcome to SR, suzy--it's a wonderful place for support if you're looking to get sober for good, populated by caring people who have had your same thoughts and experiences. I'm glad you're here!
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Old 05-24-2016, 03:59 AM
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welcome suzyzipper.
You'll be amazed to find out how 'typical' you are when it comes to many here.
There are countless posts just like yours by people who are healthy, responsible etc... I was a healthy responsible drinker at one time myself ya know... At least I thought I was...
It's never too early to turn your life around.
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Old 05-24-2016, 04:00 AM
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Hi suzy, I'm glad that you're here. Admitting that you have a problem with alcohol is hard. We don't want to do that, we want to deny. That denial increases based on how much we like to drink. You are not alone in any of this. This board is one of the greatest tools I have in my sobriety toolkit. It's saved me many times. Spend some time reading and post. You did something really big in coming here. It's an important step.

Only you can decide if you have a problem and if you need to be here but I'm going to show you something.

People who are either problem drinkers or are alcoholics like to play a game. I call it the Scale of Denial. If you hold up your two hands palms up the left hand are the positives and the right are the negatives of drinking. In the left hand are all the good things in life that lead us away from the fact that we have a problem. On the right are all the negatives that point to the possibility that we have an issue.

We will do anything in our power to keep those scales equal or the positives higher because then we can remain in denial. We won't have to face there's a problem. However, if we look at the sides separately some clarity comes into play. A lot of first posts are exactly this. It's a bit sobering to see the sides separated. Look at this.

Left side (positive)

I'm not the "typical" alcoholic if that's even a thing anyways. I am very healthy. I eat well, exercise/run daily, training for marathons.

I don't drink during the day. I'm very functional.

I like alcohol. I am also the responsible drunk. I never drink and drive and get all my responsibilities out of the way before I consume.

I gave it up last year for 40 days to train for a race. I gave it up in January.
Right side (negative)

I realize my running would be better if I didn't drink but it's my reward to myself after working so hard.

I do think I'm depressed. I pretty much drink at night until I fall asleep or pass out.

Last night scared me. I looked over my chats with people and I wrote I was drinking vodka. I have no recollection of drinking vodka . This should be scaring me but again I feel numb to it.

But when I consume it's a lot.

The problem is I always go back and it seems to always be more when I do.
So when you look at it in this light what are your thoughts? Do you think there might be a problem? Facing and considering the negatives are the only way you can accurately decide.

We are here for you. It may be you don't have a problem. You came here and are questioning. Stay and read. You'll find a whole lot of stories like yours.

One word of caution, if you're blacking out this can happen anytime and without warning. Don't count on knowing how much alcohol it takes either. I learned that this past time.

Also, please remember, some of what you read in response to your posts might appear to be in your face and upsetting. They really aren't meant to be. Everyone is just trying to cut through what may be a case of denial. Care and concern for a fellow human being. This increases for me when I see a post from a person who reminds me a lot of my earlier drinking days. I want to scream "Noooooooooo, stop before it's too late!" but I know you have to find out for yourself.

I'm concerned for you and I hope everything works out. Stick around, you don't have anything to lose. I'm glad that you're here,
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Old 05-24-2016, 04:01 AM
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Welcome to the family. There's lots of support here so use it to help you get sober for good.
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Old 05-24-2016, 05:16 AM
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Your post actually does sound like the words of the typical early/mid stage alcoholic. I have known several distance runners/triathletes that were addicts. These are extreme sports and sometimes come with extreme personalities. Not uncommon. I'm pretty fit, eat healthy, appear functional but I'm a late stage alcoholic. I cannot judge my insides by the looks of my outsides. I'm an expert at appearances.

If you read your post you don't seem to be in denial. But are you ready to quit and take alcohol off the table. That's the real question I believe.

Good luck. Glad you're here.
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Old 05-24-2016, 05:35 AM
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Hi Suzy,
I'm new here too. Only yesterday, I wrote a post about how functional I was and yet couldn't avoid drinking as soon as I finished work. Someone helped me see that one of the things that was making me unhappy was the distance between my supposed 'healthy' life and my 'drinking' life. And that gap was only going to get bigger.

Reading and contributing to posts is increasing my understanding of the problem I'm tackling. Try doing the same and you'll see you're far from alone.

Good luck. Everyone cares about you here.
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Old 05-24-2016, 07:09 AM
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Hi Suzy. I think what makes us "typical" is our inability to drink moderately. I'm a competitive athlete, like you, and still a drunk. My between competition benders were spectacular. We come from all walks of life
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