Bellatr

Hi. I know I have a problem. I've known for awhile. It started 4 years ago when I started having a glass of wine or two almost daily to "calm" my nerves. I used to only have some drinks in the weekend socially. But I bet my hubby and I drink 5/7 days some weeks. I don't normally stop w one or two. Some days I can control it. Some days I don't. I feel incredibly guilty that my kids have watched this for 4 years. I'm at the point where I'm making bad decisions. I almost want it every day. I guess there is no really going back to having a drink or two at this point, later. That's what I'm gatherring. My real question is do I just stop and move fwd or do I discuss this with my kids. Acknowledge a problem and tell them I'm sorry. I have not been drinking so much all these years.
They are 15,12,10. I feel as if the drinking will one day be a very bad thing for my youngest. He likes to talk about us drinking to people. How do I handle this?

frankster

Get yourself sober for a few days or weeks first. Then you'll know what to do. Otherwise you risk dumping your situation on your children.

Bellatr

Thanks. I don't have to drink. I didn't drink for 12 days straight in the past few weeks. I told myself I was going to drink less and I did but then I had some drinks last weekend. I don't drink every day but I want to. I will wait though. I just wondered if I should ask how they feel about me.

thomas11

Gosh, I don't have children so I don't feel qualified to answer but I will say this: Your relationship with alcohol is yours and yours alone, I don't believe your children really need to be "involved". It can and will get to be pretty serious if you don't address it now. I would make every effort to simply stop drinking completely and find alternative methods to calm your nerves. Your children will notice the change in your behavior in due time.

I would also be a bit concerned about your 10 year old talking to others about your drinking. That may be taken out of context by someone at some time and could lead to bad things. I wish you the very best.

frankster

Do you want to be sober? Are you done with drinking? Are you asking for advice on how to be sober, stay sober? Do you need help?

sugarbear1

Don't use your kids as support or a sounding board for now, stay stopped for a while. Don't put undue pressure on you or them.

Don't drink for a year, then maybe talk to them about it!

D122y

I didn't talk to my son about it for many months clean. He is 12.

Now clean for a year, he knows I used to drink and now I don't.

I told him everything I could so he doesn't get addicted w out a fighters chance.

I believe that happened to me.

I was drinking when I was 5 years old. I didn't know any better.

My Dad let me drink when we were camping. He didn't know about addiction I figure.

Get clean. Remember you are an addict. Just like a crack head. Treat booze like that and will be in a better mental frame to stave off the cravings.

The cravings come in the form of...I have been good...a cold beer would be great....my dog is sick...my boss is a jerk...etc....

Just don't drink.

Bellatr

Thank you. I appreciate all the advice. That's why I asked. I guess I've always drank socially. Just not to the extent the last few years. When I say my son says something I mean he thinks it's cute to say shocking things like I was reading about lowering cholesterol and he said in front of my parents in law well you already drink alcohol. (Because that's one of the ways to raise HDL) like he's being cute by saying it to embarrass me or for shock value. I can stop. I know I can. I just worry about him. I will take all this advice gladly. Thank you. I'm not going to dump it on them. Thanks! Great advice. I do believe like you said I want them to know that you can recognize there's a problem and do something about it.

Delilah1

Hi Bella,

My kids are 12, 11, and 8, and when I decided to stop a few years ago I told them that I wasn't drinking wine so I would be healthier. I ended up making it three months and then struggled back and forth between sobriety and attempted moderation until January 1st of this year.

We all made New Years resolutions together and one of mine was to be healthier and exercise and I didn't really mention much about it, however, my girls noticed that I wasn't drinking wine at night and asked me about it. I very nonchalantly let them know that part of being healthier for me meant choosing something different than wine to drink. Once or twice over the past several months they have asked me if I missed drinkin wine, I told them I felt much better since I have stopped drinking, and I did tell them that alcohol is something that people can drink too much of, and that as they grow up if they choose not to ever start drinking that would be best for them.

It is a difficult choice, and I don't know that there is one right answer.

entropy1964

Hmmm. So they're talking about it outside the home and I'm assuming showing their sadness in the home as well.

Yes. They need an outlet. They need to know that you know you're hurting them. They need to know that what they are feeling is okay and not their fault. They need to know that you love them more than booze and are going to do everything in your power to make things right. They need to know they are SAFE. As the child of an alcoholic and a dysfunctional family we were not allowed to discuss anything that wasn't happy and on the approved list of topics. If we didn't fall in line we were shunned and neglected more than normal. And I believe that it is an evolutionary skill that kids watch their parents like hawks....they are helpless without us and their primal brains know this. Its survival. If you guys are drunk you're not safe and it can make for very anxious kids. And kids don't do what you say, they're too busy doing what you do. They also need to understand alcoholism...its the gift that keeps on giving.

I am an alcoholic and a single Mom. My drinking has most definitely hurt my child. But I've never hid it from her and she knows in spades I'm trying to get better.

Best of luck to you!

Bellatr

Thank you. I appreciate your advice to talk to them. I don't want to add undue stress or pressure but for some reason I do feel like I should ask them how they feel and let them know I'm gonna try to be a much better parent. We aren't drunk every day. But we do drink. And we don't get drunk every time we drink. But I want to be a better parent all the way around. I don't like drinking or feeling the need to drink at every social event or out to eat meal.

Bellatr

I guess I'm making excuses for drinking. Idk. I don't even know what classifies one as a alcoholic. I just don't want to drink 4-5 days a week. Even a little amount. I don't want that influence on my kids.

Bellatr

My question is Deliahla1 is when you say attempted moderation, is that what we all try? When you tried that what would happen?

AnvilheadII

children living in a full time drinking household ARE affected....and they are learning from you both about how to handle life, how to treat each other, and that getting drunk is acceptable.

you cannot control how your husband drinks, but you can commit today to getting 'control' of your drinking, which is to stop altogether and permanently. you say you can't stop when you want to, and that you making bad decisions. stop now before cataclysmic things happen. do so first for YOU, and secondly for your precious children. live by example and then when you have some good quality consistent sober time under your belt, then begin to address the ways alcohol has affected them.

least

I would not bring it up until I had some substantial sober time under my belt. Unless one of the kids asks why you're not drinking anymore. Then you can say that you want to be healthier and more responsible.

BirdsAteMyFace

The first time I really got sober (in AA), I didn't discuss it with my kid until it was time to make amends.

Anna

Take some time to get used to sober life, to feel comfortable and settled as a non-drinker. My advice is don't put this on your children yet. I understand your desire to talk about it. I wanted to do that too, but it turned out they didn't want to talk at all. They wanted me to see me change. The talking came much later.

Delilah1

I would decide that I could have a glass of wine occasionally, then it would turn to a glass or so at the end of the day. Then I found myself drinking a bottle of wine a night, occasionally a little more.

I know that nights when I had a few glasses of wine I wasn't as present as my kids deserved. And some can have just a glass of wine on occasion, however, I wasn't one of them. I learned this through too many attempts at attempting to stick to a glass, I would find myself thinking about how much I should/could drink. It has been much easier not drinking at all. I am feeling much better every morning, and I don't stress about should I or shouldn't I have a glass of wine tonight. It is no longer an option.

Hope that helps!;-)

sugarbear1

Can you live without drinking?

If you can, great! If you can't, well, um, hummmmmmm????!!! Might be a problem.

Bellatr

I guess what was most alarming to me was a post or article saying if you are questioning if you have a problem then you probably do. And I agree sometimes when I have a drink I feel lazy and don't want to mess with homework or anything which is not good for them. I'll heed your advice as bad as I want to talk about it. I'm glad I came here and asked. My son doesn't seem to notice me not drinking but he sure notices quick when I do. For example the last two weeks I hadn't drank in 12 days and on Fri I poured a Pepsi with some rum and he was like. Can I have a drink. Or do you have alcohol in that. I was like Dude. I haven't drank any alcohol in weeks. . I don't like those comments. That alone makes me want to change.