mlc2010

Hi all, 31 yr old male here, live with my dad

My mum left my dad last year because of drink and drugs. he didnt have a touch of drink or any drugs whilst he was at AA meeting, then after 3 months ( because its free ) they stop the course

anyway, slowly but surely, he started off with alcohol free beer, then he added in 1-2 cans at weekends, and now, hes having 4 cans on weekday nights with alcohol free, and weekend about 8 cans and a small bottle of brandy

now I don't mind that, as drugs bothers me.. but sometimes, I get so angry and whenever I take my anger out on him, I feel so guilty afterwards

yet today he brought a small bottle of brandy home, which im fine with, then went and hid it upstairs. why????

I confronted him about it and he said " i didnt do that " and i said " I saw it there " and he went " oh "

so to stop me being angry I went upstairs, any advice?

entropy1964

I'm an alcoholic, but I'm also the child of an alcoholic. I can only give you my experience. You cannot control your father and shame him into quitting. He has to do this for himself or he will never quit. He hides the alcohol because he is ashamed and knows he shouldn't be drinking. Alcoholics lie about their drinking all the time because they are desperately fighting to keep their addict alive. There is no logic or sanity to this behavior and if you're not an alcoholic, you can't possibly understand it. Consider yourself lucky.

Take care of you and your behavior. Move into your own place and detach from his drinking. Codependent behavior will only hurt you.

BTW alcohol is a drug, a very powerful one. Its no different than any other drug....its just legal. Hang in there.

Hawkeye13

I agree with Frick
You can't make him stop, you can only remove yourself from the situation.

I suggest you do that before it gets worse, which is most likely will.

AnvilheadII

you might want to take a page out of mom's book......? you can't change your dad's behaviors any more than she could. he's doing what addicts do......protect the using at all costs.....hide it, deny it. it doesn't make sense.

alcoholics wife

My ex is an alcoholic/drug user/ gambler. I left that relationship and then I met my now husband (who is an alcoholic). When I met him I thought to myself, I can surely handle an alcoholic since he isn't abusing drugs or gambling. 8 years later I'm at a cross road with my alcoholic husband. I can no longer handle his drinking when once upon a time I thought I could. Alcohol is a drug just like the illegal drugs out there. It makes the addict not fully present, it alters their state of mind, it causes them to lie to themselves and others, and the list can go on.

Could you move out of your dad's home and live on your own? I think that might be the healthiest for you both. Kudos to your mom for finding the strength to leave. As you can see, your dad will not change no matter the number of arguments, fights, cries you have about his drinking. He needs to change on his own accord.

LexieCat

All alcoholics are insane when it comes to drinking. Did it ever occur to you that if he's hiding the little bottle of brandy, he's probably hiding other things as well? You might not KNOW he's using other drugs again until he's deep into it. And trust me, alcohol is just as bad as other drugs as far as addiction and personality-altering is concerned.

I'm not sure what this means: AA is free all the time, everywhere. It may be that he was in some kind of outpatient program that lasted only three months, but standalone AA groups are all over the place. Do a google search and you can find them. Maybe let him know where they are. You can't make him quit drinking, but if he went for a while and was doing well then maybe when he gets sick of being a mess he will go back and stick with it.

For yourself, I'd consider finding another place to live and/or finding an Al-Anon meeting to get some support for dealing with the effects of living with someone else's addiction. Glad your mom is out of it--if she doesn't go to Al-Anon, it might be helpful for her, too.

mlc2010

I stayed in my room to cool off and I came down and the brandy was downstairs, I asked him why and he said " I was embarassed " and I said " well hiding it upstairs is going to look worse isn't it? " and he agreed

I told him if hes hiding that, then why should I trust him when he says he hasn't took any drugs, and he says he doesn't do drugs now so we agreed I can drug test him tomorrow, urine test and he is fine with that

To be honest, his beer doesn't bother me that much, but its his little sneaky things like that, which bother me the most. Yes I can leave, but he is moving to scotland within a year to be nearer his family, and me abruptly leaving, I don't know what that would do to him, whether it would send him back to drugs

I know this shouldn't concern me, but I get to keep this house and he gets to move nearer his family, is the end game

Bekindalways

Sounds like you have a plan for physical separation which is usually the best with an active alcoholic/addict.

If you can read a bit about detachment as this usually helps when in a relationship with an active user.

alcoholics wife

Think of it this way. Have you ever tried to bite your tongue and not say anything to your dad if you caught him sneaking booze? Have you tried to go for a long time not dwelling on your dad's problems and trying to "fix" him? If your urges and compulsions due to anger and frustration that he still drinks are too strong for you to bite your tongue, not say a word about his problems then it is as difficult for him to stop his compulsion of not going to the liquor store and drinking. His drinking elevates something temporarily whether it's his mood, his trembling hands and jitteriness, his stress etc.
The satisfaction you will get from knowing that your dad's urine drug test comes up negative will be short lived as well. Or if it comes up positive, will send you into a fury and a compulsion to keep him on an even shorter leash. An addict's insanity is very similar, but just a different context. I'm sure you've heard people tell you that you should go to Alanon but you may be in that stage where you think you are fine and that HE is the addict and should go to AA (very similar to the stage of denial in alcoholics)

Bottom line is that you have just as much pull on your dad to stop the booze as much as he does on you saying you should stop nagging on him. It's a lose-lose situation. He won't stop the booze, you won't stop trying to check up on him.

I understand it's a very tough situation. If only they can see the world through our lenses and just do what we say, everything will be that much better!

LexieCat

See, this is what concerns me. You're becoming the booze police and the drug police. Suppose he tests positive for drugs? What difference does that make for YOU? Or suppose he tests negative--as long as he's drinking and hiding (which is what alcoholics DO--regardless of what he says to you) he's still in the grip of addiction.

Active addicts/alcoholics cannot be reasoned with, the way normal people can. Nothing you say or do will alter his behavior. He might start hiding it BETTER, but it isn't going to get him sober.

I hope his move works out. In the meantime, I second the suggestion of learning some detachment skills and using them.

Liveitwell

I 100% agree with Lexie-trying to reason with an alcoholic or someone with a personality disorder is a total waste of breath. Literally-you wil have better luck talking to a tree. Detachment would be a great tool to maintain your sanity, vs monitoring what he is doing.

Hawkeye13

So if you want to have the house, you need to stay?
If so, detachment really will be necessary.
Wishing you and your father the best outcome--

mlc2010

what exactly is detachment? I can't see anything in the forum which tells me what it is, just people alluding to it

honeypig

These 2 links on detachment are from the stickies at the top of the page. There is a lot of helpful info there; if you get a chance, you might like to read thru some of it. The material on boundaries might be helpful in your situation also.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...detaching.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rty-lines.html

frankster

Google search "emotional detachment." there are a number of explanations and advices on how to achieve this state.

tomsteve

sheewee, seems,to me saying large quantities of alcohol are ok but drugs arent is
completely friggin insane.

LexieCat

Not "insane," just uneducated about alcoholism/addiction. A lot of people think alcohol is "not as bad" as drugs. Those are people who haven't lived with an alcoholic using NO other drugs.