Worried about addict ex-boyfriend
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 36
Worried about addict ex-boyfriend
Hi everyone, this is my first post to SR because I only just found the site a few days ago. I'm so glad I did because reading everyone's stories and the knowledge and advice people share has made me feel less alone and hopeless. I couldn't believe how many other people's stories sound so similar to mine. I'd like to ask for any advice or knowledge anyone could share - I'd really appreciate it right now. I've basically been in an amazing relationship which became abusive and spiralled out of control when my boyfriend became a drug addict (I'm 21). Sorry for the length, here goes...
I met my now ex-boyfriend online 3 years ago. He lived in another state. I have lots of family there and I just happened to be going for a visit only a couple of months after we started talking, so naturally we met up. It was the best few weeks of my life. We fell completely in love instantly. He was the most kind-hearted, loving person I had ever met and I still think of him this way even now. Nothing about him was ever manipulative or abusive, and he loved me more than anything else in the world. He soon moved to be with me and we lived together for about a year. We did everything together, had all the same interests and thought in the same ways about the world. He was definitely my soulmate. Everyone always mentioned to me how kind and easy-going he was - my family and friends loved him. He didn't drink or smoke, didn't do drugs. He’d done a lot of acid and smoked weed as a teenager, but when I met him he told me he hadn't done anything in over a year. But, throughout the first months we were together, there was something about him that I couldn't get my head around. He had an anger problem where, if we were to argue or something really mundane went wrong he would completely snap. It was like flipping a switch, and he would scream at me and hit himself. When he would calm down he would be so apologetic and it broke my heart because he couldn't control it. He decided he should get counselling. This was a problem he'd had for most of his life, from around the age of 12. His parents were coke addicts, and he grew up watching his mum getting bashed by his dad, then later two other abusive relationships she was in. He didn't grow up in a happy or safe environment and this has had a huge impact on how he deals with stress.
So he was going to counselling and working through this, and I think it was really helping him. Then he started smoking weed and cigarettes. "I'm just gonna smoke weed this one time" I remember he told me. That was all it took. I wish now he never did it at all, because after that our relationship began to rapidly deteriorate. Suddenly things were getting weird and I didn't know what was going on. He would go out at night with a friend and not come back until early morning. I knew they were smoking the whole time. He started smoking cones in the house. I thought I was with someone who had a marijuana problem, so it made it easier for him to hide the fact he was smoking kronic (synthetic weed). He was out of his mind every day for hours at a time. Sometimes we would wake up in the morning and the bed would be completely drenched through from him sweating in the night. He would lay in bed and say delusional ridiculous things. He asked me to marry him while he was tripping out, then later asked me "do you think i could be gay?"...he said so much wacked out stuff. Other people would ask what's wrong with him, and I'd ask him and he'd say "I'm just tired" or "I'm stoned". But he was hallucinating and vomiting all the time. And he never had any money. We broke up in the middle of last year and he moved back home, but I had no idea until a few months ago that he had been addicted to kronic, and he told me he would have spent over $5000 on it.
At the start of this year he started using MDMA. He did it a couple of times for fun initially (he was snorting it). We decided to get back together and start again, and I was going to move over and be with him. But, he fell in with a new crowd of "friends" and dealers who do it multiple times a week. He started snorting several times a week, and would go on 3 day benders where he would continue using so he never came down. I had no idea this was going on.
I quit my job and had some money saved up, and I told all of my friends and family I was leaving. But less than a week before I got there, after ignoring me for 3 days, he Skyped me and said that he was breaking up with me, he didn't love me, and he had just been kissing another girl. He was coming down off another 2-3 day bender. It shattered me but I thought I may as well go over anyway since I'd already re-arranged my whole life. When I got there I visited him, and he instantly wanted to get back together. He was high when I got there. It broke my heart seeing him in that state - he had lost so much weight. So I stayed and ended up getting a job. I lasted a month there and have just gotten back. He has been using up to 1 gram, and even 1.5 grams at a time. This is enough to overdose - it's about the equivalent of 10-15 hits of MDMA which is just unheard of for most people. The come-downs were terrible while I was there. When he was coming down he became manic and completely irrational. It all peaked at the start of this week, when he woke up in the morning, grabbed me and shoved me into a wall. He started screaming at me, then at his mum, then back at me again. He trashed everything in the house and hit me several times, calling me a wh*re and a b*tch and worse. He would not calm down at all. His mum had to call the police. I was so terrified because he kept hurting and screaming at me. I watched him get arrested. Now he has an AVO on him and has to go to court next week.
He told me he nearly died 2 weeks ago. He did so much and said he could feel himself slipping away and his heart almost stopped. This was on the same night he told me he loved me, wanted to be together forever, get married one day, stop all of this **** and get better. Now I'm so far away from him and still love and care about him so much. But he doesn't want to come here or get any help from me. This kind of addiction is pretty rare and I've found it hard to come across other people who have used MDMA this much and what the long-term effects are. I'm so sick with worry, blaming myself so much, scared any second he might do it again and die. It feels like the person he was has died and I've lost my soulmate. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know if he will ever be the same again and this is the worst pain I've ever felt. I feel like I can't make any plans with my life at all until I know he's safe and know if he wants me or not.
I met my now ex-boyfriend online 3 years ago. He lived in another state. I have lots of family there and I just happened to be going for a visit only a couple of months after we started talking, so naturally we met up. It was the best few weeks of my life. We fell completely in love instantly. He was the most kind-hearted, loving person I had ever met and I still think of him this way even now. Nothing about him was ever manipulative or abusive, and he loved me more than anything else in the world. He soon moved to be with me and we lived together for about a year. We did everything together, had all the same interests and thought in the same ways about the world. He was definitely my soulmate. Everyone always mentioned to me how kind and easy-going he was - my family and friends loved him. He didn't drink or smoke, didn't do drugs. He’d done a lot of acid and smoked weed as a teenager, but when I met him he told me he hadn't done anything in over a year. But, throughout the first months we were together, there was something about him that I couldn't get my head around. He had an anger problem where, if we were to argue or something really mundane went wrong he would completely snap. It was like flipping a switch, and he would scream at me and hit himself. When he would calm down he would be so apologetic and it broke my heart because he couldn't control it. He decided he should get counselling. This was a problem he'd had for most of his life, from around the age of 12. His parents were coke addicts, and he grew up watching his mum getting bashed by his dad, then later two other abusive relationships she was in. He didn't grow up in a happy or safe environment and this has had a huge impact on how he deals with stress.
So he was going to counselling and working through this, and I think it was really helping him. Then he started smoking weed and cigarettes. "I'm just gonna smoke weed this one time" I remember he told me. That was all it took. I wish now he never did it at all, because after that our relationship began to rapidly deteriorate. Suddenly things were getting weird and I didn't know what was going on. He would go out at night with a friend and not come back until early morning. I knew they were smoking the whole time. He started smoking cones in the house. I thought I was with someone who had a marijuana problem, so it made it easier for him to hide the fact he was smoking kronic (synthetic weed). He was out of his mind every day for hours at a time. Sometimes we would wake up in the morning and the bed would be completely drenched through from him sweating in the night. He would lay in bed and say delusional ridiculous things. He asked me to marry him while he was tripping out, then later asked me "do you think i could be gay?"...he said so much wacked out stuff. Other people would ask what's wrong with him, and I'd ask him and he'd say "I'm just tired" or "I'm stoned". But he was hallucinating and vomiting all the time. And he never had any money. We broke up in the middle of last year and he moved back home, but I had no idea until a few months ago that he had been addicted to kronic, and he told me he would have spent over $5000 on it.
At the start of this year he started using MDMA. He did it a couple of times for fun initially (he was snorting it). We decided to get back together and start again, and I was going to move over and be with him. But, he fell in with a new crowd of "friends" and dealers who do it multiple times a week. He started snorting several times a week, and would go on 3 day benders where he would continue using so he never came down. I had no idea this was going on.
I quit my job and had some money saved up, and I told all of my friends and family I was leaving. But less than a week before I got there, after ignoring me for 3 days, he Skyped me and said that he was breaking up with me, he didn't love me, and he had just been kissing another girl. He was coming down off another 2-3 day bender. It shattered me but I thought I may as well go over anyway since I'd already re-arranged my whole life. When I got there I visited him, and he instantly wanted to get back together. He was high when I got there. It broke my heart seeing him in that state - he had lost so much weight. So I stayed and ended up getting a job. I lasted a month there and have just gotten back. He has been using up to 1 gram, and even 1.5 grams at a time. This is enough to overdose - it's about the equivalent of 10-15 hits of MDMA which is just unheard of for most people. The come-downs were terrible while I was there. When he was coming down he became manic and completely irrational. It all peaked at the start of this week, when he woke up in the morning, grabbed me and shoved me into a wall. He started screaming at me, then at his mum, then back at me again. He trashed everything in the house and hit me several times, calling me a wh*re and a b*tch and worse. He would not calm down at all. His mum had to call the police. I was so terrified because he kept hurting and screaming at me. I watched him get arrested. Now he has an AVO on him and has to go to court next week.
He told me he nearly died 2 weeks ago. He did so much and said he could feel himself slipping away and his heart almost stopped. This was on the same night he told me he loved me, wanted to be together forever, get married one day, stop all of this **** and get better. Now I'm so far away from him and still love and care about him so much. But he doesn't want to come here or get any help from me. This kind of addiction is pretty rare and I've found it hard to come across other people who have used MDMA this much and what the long-term effects are. I'm so sick with worry, blaming myself so much, scared any second he might do it again and die. It feels like the person he was has died and I've lost my soulmate. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know if he will ever be the same again and this is the worst pain I've ever felt. I feel like I can't make any plans with my life at all until I know he's safe and know if he wants me or not.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Welcome Sunny. I am so glad you found us. Also I am so very, very sorry for what has brought you here. You really have been through the wringer and I can well believe that you are in horrible pain over the situation. You have been very wise for someone so young to get yourself out of the situation and away from him. I hope you have supportive family and friends.
The saying you hear a lot about the addictions of those we love is: "You didn't cause it. You can't control it and you can't cure it." The very horrible truth about addiction is no one can help him unless he wants to get help.
However, there is quite a bit you can do for yourself. Start by reading the stickies at the top of the forum; they are a mishmash of the best of what has been posted here on SR. You might also look for a copy of the book Codependent No More. Many have found it useful. And finally do everything you can to take care of yourself: eat well, get exercise and anything else you can. This is truly a difficult situation you are living through.
The saying you hear a lot about the addictions of those we love is: "You didn't cause it. You can't control it and you can't cure it." The very horrible truth about addiction is no one can help him unless he wants to get help.
However, there is quite a bit you can do for yourself. Start by reading the stickies at the top of the forum; they are a mishmash of the best of what has been posted here on SR. You might also look for a copy of the book Codependent No More. Many have found it useful. And finally do everything you can to take care of yourself: eat well, get exercise and anything else you can. This is truly a difficult situation you are living through.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 6
Hope you don't find it creepy but I have been creeping on your past posts reading them. haha
Wow. Thank you for sharing your story.
In my case, my ex boyfriend was fine at first like yours and everything was wonderful. A few months into the relationship we started to have a long distance relationship when I was living temporarily out of state for college studies. He did a good job of hiding his addiction from me. I did notice him get distant though like he would miss days he was supposed to call or skype me sometimes. And he was always sick (which I later found out was because he was on withdrawal trying desperately to quit)
I didn't have to see my ex boyfriend all high off of drugs. The sad thing was that he had been sober a year and then went back to his pain killer addiction when I went out of state. The reason he went back to his addiction is because his best friend committed suicide and his sister was being abused by her husband and he couldn't handle the pain. I realize now I have only seen him as his best self. And it breaks my heart that you had to see your ex like that as his worst self. I can't even imagine seeing someone I love in the state you saw your ex.
Your story is inspiring to me. You seriously are a strong and amazing person. If anything makes you feel better for just a little bit, I hope it makes you feel better to know that through your suffering you are able to help a lot of other people also suffering (aka me
).
And I will try to help you back the best I can if needed.
Wow. Thank you for sharing your story.
In my case, my ex boyfriend was fine at first like yours and everything was wonderful. A few months into the relationship we started to have a long distance relationship when I was living temporarily out of state for college studies. He did a good job of hiding his addiction from me. I did notice him get distant though like he would miss days he was supposed to call or skype me sometimes. And he was always sick (which I later found out was because he was on withdrawal trying desperately to quit)
I didn't have to see my ex boyfriend all high off of drugs. The sad thing was that he had been sober a year and then went back to his pain killer addiction when I went out of state. The reason he went back to his addiction is because his best friend committed suicide and his sister was being abused by her husband and he couldn't handle the pain. I realize now I have only seen him as his best self. And it breaks my heart that you had to see your ex like that as his worst self. I can't even imagine seeing someone I love in the state you saw your ex.
Your story is inspiring to me. You seriously are a strong and amazing person. If anything makes you feel better for just a little bit, I hope it makes you feel better to know that through your suffering you are able to help a lot of other people also suffering (aka me
).And I will try to help you back the best I can if needed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 36
Thanks Brilynn! This was my first post a few weeks ago, I was in a pretty anxious/worried state when I wrote it (which probably comes through)
That's terrible...it sounds like a whole load of stress brought on the drug use for your ex, it sucks it was long distance at the time so there's no way you could have known or done anything to help what happened. A common theme in this forum is the idea that "addiction can never be 'cured' - it can only go into remission". It sounds like you did meet your ex during a really good, productive period of his life when things were ok. Unfortunately he's now in a bad position and the drug abuse problems have come back. It's a battle that both our exes will probably have to fight for the rest of their lives. Addiction can also shape-shift into other forms of drug abuse and self-neglect, so it can seem like things are getting better but the "addict" personality traits are still there.
I've been through a whole bunch of emotions and struggles since writing this post. I went through phases of feeling guilt, regret, sadness, desperation etc etc. But I've started to accept that it was out of my control, and there is nothing I could have done or can do to help him find himself and get those good times back. What I can do is take control of my own life, and let him figure things out on his own. It's really comforting to read your story and be reminded there are others out there with similar struggles! So thank you so much for sharing your story too. It's really good that you didn't have to see your ex high and that really shows the lengths he has gone to in order to protect you from it. Stay strong and hope you find some peace and closure soon
That's terrible...it sounds like a whole load of stress brought on the drug use for your ex, it sucks it was long distance at the time so there's no way you could have known or done anything to help what happened. A common theme in this forum is the idea that "addiction can never be 'cured' - it can only go into remission". It sounds like you did meet your ex during a really good, productive period of his life when things were ok. Unfortunately he's now in a bad position and the drug abuse problems have come back. It's a battle that both our exes will probably have to fight for the rest of their lives. Addiction can also shape-shift into other forms of drug abuse and self-neglect, so it can seem like things are getting better but the "addict" personality traits are still there.
I've been through a whole bunch of emotions and struggles since writing this post. I went through phases of feeling guilt, regret, sadness, desperation etc etc. But I've started to accept that it was out of my control, and there is nothing I could have done or can do to help him find himself and get those good times back. What I can do is take control of my own life, and let him figure things out on his own. It's really comforting to read your story and be reminded there are others out there with similar struggles! So thank you so much for sharing your story too. It's really good that you didn't have to see your ex high and that really shows the lengths he has gone to in order to protect you from it. Stay strong and hope you find some peace and closure soon
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 6
Thank you Sunny! It is so neat to see the progress you have made. I can already tell that you are a stronger person today than you were before. You give the best advice. Thank you for the reminder that our situations are out of our control and there is nothing we can do other than work on ourselves. I am often the type where I just want to fix my loved ones problems so that is a very good reminder to me. You are a very compassionate person, thank you again.
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