STBXAH already online dating
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STBXAH already online dating
not So, STBXAH moved out a couple weeks ago (although it's been almost 3 months since we decided to divorce). We haven't even technically filed the petition for divorce because I've just been so swamped at work and haven't gotten around to it. Previously, he told me he had no interest in women or dating anyone for at least a year.
So, today I was bored at work and decided to check out an online dating site, just out of curiosity to see what was out there. I have no profile at all and really am not ready to even get out there. I simply was curious.
After browsing for awhile, I come across STBXAH's profile! He had a real profile with pictures and his status as divorced. He listed that he was a social drinker and also said he loves to hang out anywhere where there's "cold beer and live music." (I found it a bit humorous also that he had 3 photos and 2 of them were pretty old...when he was definitely thinner and had more hair.)
Anyways, I can honestly say that it doesn't bother me that he is on there or trying to date. I guess I was just a bit shocked. I know that I am just getting used to be single and have a lot of my own stuff to sort out and need to gain my own independence and learn to love myself again before I can take on a relationship.
Lately, I've noticed that he's not really interested in making small talk. When I get home and he's been home with the kids, he already has his shoes on and it's like he can't get out of here fast enough.
It's almost like I feel like he's a stranger to me now. Although I do miss having that person that I knew I could always confide in, the few good times we had are getting further and further away from my memory. And part of me (the crazy part of me, I know) wonders, what if he's right? What if, now that he's away from me, he will be able to drink normally and not be moody and not have the emotional maturity of a child, etc? It definitely doesn't appear that he plans on being sober. (And I know I shouldn't even be thinking about all this, but I can't help but share what I found!)
So, today I was bored at work and decided to check out an online dating site, just out of curiosity to see what was out there. I have no profile at all and really am not ready to even get out there. I simply was curious.
After browsing for awhile, I come across STBXAH's profile! He had a real profile with pictures and his status as divorced. He listed that he was a social drinker and also said he loves to hang out anywhere where there's "cold beer and live music." (I found it a bit humorous also that he had 3 photos and 2 of them were pretty old...when he was definitely thinner and had more hair.)
Anyways, I can honestly say that it doesn't bother me that he is on there or trying to date. I guess I was just a bit shocked. I know that I am just getting used to be single and have a lot of my own stuff to sort out and need to gain my own independence and learn to love myself again before I can take on a relationship.
Lately, I've noticed that he's not really interested in making small talk. When I get home and he's been home with the kids, he already has his shoes on and it's like he can't get out of here fast enough.
It's almost like I feel like he's a stranger to me now. Although I do miss having that person that I knew I could always confide in, the few good times we had are getting further and further away from my memory. And part of me (the crazy part of me, I know) wonders, what if he's right? What if, now that he's away from me, he will be able to drink normally and not be moody and not have the emotional maturity of a child, etc? It definitely doesn't appear that he plans on being sober. (And I know I shouldn't even be thinking about all this, but I can't help but share what I found!)
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My ex was being pimped out by his sister while we were still married-she was already trying to set him up-vs telling him to get help. Of course, bc it was my fault-she just didn't like me bc I threatened her relationship with her brother (translation-I wanted him to grow up!) and she was just as big a drinker and addict and twisted as he. Anyhoo, I found out from people that my ex was hooking up with God knows who very soon after our divorce-was on dating sites as well. And I had a very strong gut feeling and intuition that he already stepped out before the divorce was final. Do these matter to me ? Nope-other than they all serve to show that I made the absolute right and best decision for me and my girls. Did it hurt at first? Sure did-not going to lie about that one. But, after many prayers it lifted.
Friend, I think that's natural to feel like you do....wonder if it's just going to go away. But here's the deal-he is who he is. A leopard doesn't change his spots-at least not overnight or without years of hard work. A leopard can paint over his spots and lie about them and try to show everyone the bright new paint job covering his spots, but he still has his spots-and eventually the bright new paint job gets old and rusted and the spots start showing through. Alas, he's still a leopard.
Hugs...,YOU are doing great and will be ok!
Friend, I think that's natural to feel like you do....wonder if it's just going to go away. But here's the deal-he is who he is. A leopard doesn't change his spots-at least not overnight or without years of hard work. A leopard can paint over his spots and lie about them and try to show everyone the bright new paint job covering his spots, but he still has his spots-and eventually the bright new paint job gets old and rusted and the spots start showing through. Alas, he's still a leopard.
Hugs...,YOU are doing great and will be ok!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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I date a little online and I am surprised at how often I see "recently separated" on profiles, find it strange how quickly some people just need to be attached! I always move on, no thanks 
Still hard when an ex is caught out there, sorry for the sting.
Still hard when an ex is caught out there, sorry for the sting.
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jada......at the risk of sounding "motherly".....please be careful with online sites.....assume that everything that is written is a lie until proven otherwise.....
Don't doubt yourself....there is no such thing as "drinking normally" for an alcoholic.....and whatever your shortcomings might be....they are not the cause of his alcoholism.....
Peace
Dandylion
Don't doubt yourself....there is no such thing as "drinking normally" for an alcoholic.....and whatever your shortcomings might be....they are not the cause of his alcoholism.....
Peace
Dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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It's almost like I feel like he's a stranger to me now. Although I do miss having that person that I knew I could always confide in, the few good times we had are getting further and further away from my memory. And part of me (the crazy part of me, I know) wonders, what if he's right? What if, now that he's away from me, he will be able to drink normally and not be moody and not have the emotional maturity of a child, etc? It definitely doesn't appear that he plans on being sober. (And I know I shouldn't even be thinking about all this, but I can't help but share what I found!)
What if today you found out someone has left you 40 million dollars as inheritance?
The above scenario is more likely than him moderating his alcohol, achieving maturity, and stabilizing his moods. An online dating profile is seldom truthful. He lied when he posted old pics, he lied when he said he was a social drinker. Understand that some alcoholics CAN moderate....for a period of time only. Its not a permanent thing. I'm sure he can be a "good boy" in presenting himself to a potential date. What they don't see is what happens after the date is over. He stops off at the local bar and gets hammered or goes home and drinks until he passes out.
You all are detaching from each other and that is a healthy thing for both of you.
What if today you found out someone has left you 40 million dollars as inheritance?
The above scenario is more likely than him moderating his alcohol, achieving maturity, and stabilizing his moods. An online dating profile is seldom truthful. He lied when he posted old pics, he lied when he said he was a social drinker. Understand that some alcoholics CAN moderate....for a period of time only. Its not a permanent thing. I'm sure he can be a "good boy" in presenting himself to a potential date. What they don't see is what happens after the date is over. He stops off at the local bar and gets hammered or goes home and drinks until he passes out.
You all are detaching from each other and that is a healthy thing for both of you.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Jada, I am sure it stings. My axh went on a few dates because his friends were setting him up. I am sure he was so nervous he was wasted before he went. It did hurt, but the old rule of thumb, he was a train wreck then, and he is a train wreck now.
My axh can't be bothered with dealing with women. His first love is alcohol and nothing will be coming between him and "her".
Hugs my friend. Before you jump back in a relationship, find out who Jada is and what potential Jada has to offer!!
My axh can't be bothered with dealing with women. His first love is alcohol and nothing will be coming between him and "her".
Hugs my friend. Before you jump back in a relationship, find out who Jada is and what potential Jada has to offer!!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls 
^ ha! I was going to say the same thing....my ex only uses women-his real love of his life and relationship is with his beloved alcohol-that gets his loyalty.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
jada......at the risk of sounding "motherly".....please be careful with online sites.....assume that everything that is written is a lie until proven otherwise.....
Don't doubt yourself....there is no such thing as "drinking normally" for an alcoholic.....and whatever your shortcomings might be....they are not the cause of his alcoholism.....
Peace
Dandylion
Don't doubt yourself....there is no such thing as "drinking normally" for an alcoholic.....and whatever your shortcomings might be....they are not the cause of his alcoholism.....
Peace
Dandylion
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Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread
It could be worse. You could have discovered he was online seeking all the while telling you how happy he was to be with you.
Ask me how I know!
Ask me how I know!
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
What if today you found out someone has left you 40 million dollars as inheritance?
The above scenario is more likely than him moderating his alcohol, achieving maturity, and stabilizing his moods. An online dating profile is seldom truthful. He lied when he posted old pics, he lied when he said he was a social drinker. Understand that some alcoholics CAN moderate....for a period of time only. Its not a permanent thing. I'm sure he can be a "good boy" in presenting himself to a potential date. What they don't see is what happens after the date is over. He stops off at the local bar and gets hammered or goes home and drinks until he passes out.
You all are detaching from each other and that is a healthy thing for both of you.
I'm sure any relationship he gets into is going to start off with lies, or rather, him withholding information. I highly doubt he's going to volunteer that he was in AA or cheated on his wife by visiting hookers. Although, he does have the ignition interlock device on his car for a year, so I guess he won't be able to hide that!
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You have a great attitude about it. Honestly, I joined an online dating site right after I moved out from my XAH about 1.5 months before I filed the divorce paperwork but that was because I was giving my XAH time finish the refinance on the house so the divorce wouldn't hold up his stuff. I had been emotionally ready to move on for quite some time and he knew it as we had been talking about divorce for 2 years at that point.
As for online dating, I've seen it all.......BUT....it also is where I met my current bf. We consider ourselves lucky that we met someone who we click with, who practices acceptance, who acknowledge their faults but continue to improve daily to be better human beings than we were yesterday, and who we are physically attracted to, as well. Dating, in general, is hard........relationships are hard......so even though your ex is online it doesn't mean he's moving on to a new love. He's lonely, he wants companionship, and quite possibly he's looking for an enabler or someone who can drink like him or use like him or whatever. That's been my XAH's MO for quite some time. Life is hard when you are not healthy because you don't love yourself. My heart breaks for those who haven't learned to love who they are because life lived beautifully with self love is so rewarding~
As for online dating, I've seen it all.......BUT....it also is where I met my current bf. We consider ourselves lucky that we met someone who we click with, who practices acceptance, who acknowledge their faults but continue to improve daily to be better human beings than we were yesterday, and who we are physically attracted to, as well. Dating, in general, is hard........relationships are hard......so even though your ex is online it doesn't mean he's moving on to a new love. He's lonely, he wants companionship, and quite possibly he's looking for an enabler or someone who can drink like him or use like him or whatever. That's been my XAH's MO for quite some time. Life is hard when you are not healthy because you don't love yourself. My heart breaks for those who haven't learned to love who they are because life lived beautifully with self love is so rewarding~
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Originally Posted by maia1234
Hugs my friend. Before you jump back in a relationship, find out who Jada is and what potential Jada has to offer!!
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Originally Posted by lizatola
You have a great attitude about it. Honestly, I joined an online dating site right after I moved out from my XAH about 1.5 months before I filed the divorce paperwork but that was because I was giving my XAH time finish the refinance on the house so the divorce wouldn't hold up his stuff. I had been emotionally ready to move on for quite some time and he knew it as we had been talking about divorce for 2 years at that point.
As for online dating, I've seen it all.......BUT....it also is where I met my current bf. We consider ourselves lucky that we met someone who we click with, who practices acceptance, who acknowledge their faults but continue to improve daily to be better human beings than we were yesterday, and who we are physically attracted to, as well. Dating, in general, is hard........relationships are hard......so even though your ex is online it doesn't mean he's moving on to a new love. He's lonely, he wants companionship, and quite possibly he's looking for an enabler or someone who can drink like him or use like him or whatever. That's been my XAH's MO for quite some time. Life is hard when you are not healthy because you don't love yourself. My heart breaks for those who haven't learned to love who they are because life lived beautifully with self love is so rewarding~
As for online dating, I've seen it all.......BUT....it also is where I met my current bf. We consider ourselves lucky that we met someone who we click with, who practices acceptance, who acknowledge their faults but continue to improve daily to be better human beings than we were yesterday, and who we are physically attracted to, as well. Dating, in general, is hard........relationships are hard......so even though your ex is online it doesn't mean he's moving on to a new love. He's lonely, he wants companionship, and quite possibly he's looking for an enabler or someone who can drink like him or use like him or whatever. That's been my XAH's MO for quite some time. Life is hard when you are not healthy because you don't love yourself. My heart breaks for those who haven't learned to love who they are because life lived beautifully with self love is so rewarding~
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Just want to say thank you to everyone for giving me support and feedback. You guys really are the only ones who understand any of this and the only place I can share. I texted my best friend that he has an online profile and she's like "I'm not surprised." Then asked me why I don't want to be on there yet. I just don't think people who haven't dealt with these types of relationships understand how much damage they do. I need the time to heal.
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JUST to keep some perspective here......YOU found HIS profile because you too were on a dating site. two weeks after he moved out. you say that it was just for fun, boredom, etc but regardless there you were.
who know what HIS reasons are? boredom? defiance? revenge? reclaiming manhood?
i'm not sure this is real evidence that he is a new man and no longer HAS issues......that in this profile with "younger him" photos (who doesn't do that tho?), he mentions DRINKING twice gives a glimpse into his continued relationship with alcohol.
after a break up its normal for interactions to be awkward and uncomfortable. so his desire to split the scene when you get home isn't too terribly strange.
i'd suggest that you stay off dating sites, and checking what's out there. they rotate the stock often!!! and now is just not the time to really even entertain such notions of "someone else".
who know what HIS reasons are? boredom? defiance? revenge? reclaiming manhood?
i'm not sure this is real evidence that he is a new man and no longer HAS issues......that in this profile with "younger him" photos (who doesn't do that tho?), he mentions DRINKING twice gives a glimpse into his continued relationship with alcohol.
after a break up its normal for interactions to be awkward and uncomfortable. so his desire to split the scene when you get home isn't too terribly strange.
i'd suggest that you stay off dating sites, and checking what's out there. they rotate the stock often!!! and now is just not the time to really even entertain such notions of "someone else".
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