Hoping for some wise, friendly words!
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 22
Hoping for some wise, friendly words!
Hi everyone,
This is my first post. I have been with my husband for 8 years. We moved-in together very quicky, so have lived together for most of that time. Throughout it, he has been a high functioning alcoholic. He has stopped drinking several times, follow by the usual pattern of drinking again, and supplimenting overt drinking with secret drinking and denial to himself that his drinking is a problem. We planned to get married a couple of years ago. Despite all sorts of arrangements being made, I cancelled the wedding when it became apparent that he had 'fallen off the wagon' again (no easy thing telling everyone). I know the score. i worked for many years in the field of mental health and worked with alcoholics. Long story short, we got married in a very small ceremony last October. So we are now 6 months married. He made me a long and loving promise on our wedding day that he would never drink without me knowing again, no more secrets. My head told me, he might fail in this, my heart told me everything would always be fine now 🙄
He has Diabetes and I was talking to his nurse, whose opinion he sets great store in, whilst making an appointment for him. He had told me previously that he had asked her about drinking and she had told him that it was fine in moderation (I guess many here will know the implications of that). I thought it best to mention to her that he was an alcoholic, all be it, not of the most obvious variety. I told her that his doctor had found reduced liver function the previous year and that he had been sent for a scan. The woman who did the scan, whilst chatting away had apparently said that the damage wasn't too bad and that livers have a great ability to heal (where do they get these people? The liver does have that capacity of course, but saying that to someone who has damaged it through alcohol misuse)! The nurse then told me (we both knew she shouldn't, but she did) that the damage to his liver had gone past the point of repair. Despite worrying about this already, hearing it really upset me. Hubby then had an appointment with her in which she explained that too him very clearly. He asked her what this meant vis a ve drinking and she, since she had to be honest, told him that two to three drinks a day would probably be okay. He came home and appeared sincerely shaken-up by what he had been told. He said that he was going to have a couple of drinks a week, not on the same day and always with me. I know in my heart that if he drinks at all, after a little while, he loses control and it increases and includes secret stashes of Vodka, but I allowed myself to think it might work due to the added variable of fear about his liver. We are due to go away on holiday in June, so when he was seeing his nurse again, he asked her if it would be damaging if he drank more like on holiday since it was short term. Unfortunately, she said it would be okay to have 14 units a week and added that his liver function was showing slight improvement. No doubt many of you can guess the effect this had.
I few days ago, I began suspecting that he was drinking in secret. Yesterday I was pretty sure, today I was certain and asked him. He said yes. I asked if it was Vodka (always the worst sign). He agreed that it was and asked "what happens now? Do you want me to leave?" I said that we were only just married and shouldn't give-up so easily. He said that he doesn't want to stop drinking and if it knocks a few years off his life, that's okay. I am 57 and he is nearly 63. It took us a long time to find each other and we have so many plans.
I know at an intellectual level that I can't control his drinking and should just live my life with him without commenting, but I love him and any social occasion or holiday (travelling is one of our things) is ruined for me as I just watch him enjoying wrecking his health
This is my first post. I have been with my husband for 8 years. We moved-in together very quicky, so have lived together for most of that time. Throughout it, he has been a high functioning alcoholic. He has stopped drinking several times, follow by the usual pattern of drinking again, and supplimenting overt drinking with secret drinking and denial to himself that his drinking is a problem. We planned to get married a couple of years ago. Despite all sorts of arrangements being made, I cancelled the wedding when it became apparent that he had 'fallen off the wagon' again (no easy thing telling everyone). I know the score. i worked for many years in the field of mental health and worked with alcoholics. Long story short, we got married in a very small ceremony last October. So we are now 6 months married. He made me a long and loving promise on our wedding day that he would never drink without me knowing again, no more secrets. My head told me, he might fail in this, my heart told me everything would always be fine now 🙄
He has Diabetes and I was talking to his nurse, whose opinion he sets great store in, whilst making an appointment for him. He had told me previously that he had asked her about drinking and she had told him that it was fine in moderation (I guess many here will know the implications of that). I thought it best to mention to her that he was an alcoholic, all be it, not of the most obvious variety. I told her that his doctor had found reduced liver function the previous year and that he had been sent for a scan. The woman who did the scan, whilst chatting away had apparently said that the damage wasn't too bad and that livers have a great ability to heal (where do they get these people? The liver does have that capacity of course, but saying that to someone who has damaged it through alcohol misuse)! The nurse then told me (we both knew she shouldn't, but she did) that the damage to his liver had gone past the point of repair. Despite worrying about this already, hearing it really upset me. Hubby then had an appointment with her in which she explained that too him very clearly. He asked her what this meant vis a ve drinking and she, since she had to be honest, told him that two to three drinks a day would probably be okay. He came home and appeared sincerely shaken-up by what he had been told. He said that he was going to have a couple of drinks a week, not on the same day and always with me. I know in my heart that if he drinks at all, after a little while, he loses control and it increases and includes secret stashes of Vodka, but I allowed myself to think it might work due to the added variable of fear about his liver. We are due to go away on holiday in June, so when he was seeing his nurse again, he asked her if it would be damaging if he drank more like on holiday since it was short term. Unfortunately, she said it would be okay to have 14 units a week and added that his liver function was showing slight improvement. No doubt many of you can guess the effect this had.
I few days ago, I began suspecting that he was drinking in secret. Yesterday I was pretty sure, today I was certain and asked him. He said yes. I asked if it was Vodka (always the worst sign). He agreed that it was and asked "what happens now? Do you want me to leave?" I said that we were only just married and shouldn't give-up so easily. He said that he doesn't want to stop drinking and if it knocks a few years off his life, that's okay. I am 57 and he is nearly 63. It took us a long time to find each other and we have so many plans.
I know at an intellectual level that I can't control his drinking and should just live my life with him without commenting, but I love him and any social occasion or holiday (travelling is one of our things) is ruined for me as I just watch him enjoying wrecking his health
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
My friend I am so sorry, you clearly have a great deal invested in him.
I am doubly sorry to say that he has told you in no uncertain terms that he has no intention of entering recovery for alcoholism at this time. I hope you can find a way to accept this and take a good hard look at how you want to spend your one precious life. Alcoholism, left untreated, is progressive. It would seem that how things are right now are the best you can reasonably expect them to ever be. Is that enough for you?
I am doubly sorry to say that he has told you in no uncertain terms that he has no intention of entering recovery for alcoholism at this time. I hope you can find a way to accept this and take a good hard look at how you want to spend your one precious life. Alcoholism, left untreated, is progressive. It would seem that how things are right now are the best you can reasonably expect them to ever be. Is that enough for you?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
My friend I am so sorry, you clearly have a great deal invested in him.
I am doubly sorry to say that he has told you in no uncertain terms that he has no intention of entering recovery for alcoholism at this time. I hope you can find a way to accept this and take a good hard look at how you want to spend your one precious life. Alcoholism, left untreated, is progressive. It would seem that how things are right now are the best you can reasonably expect them to ever be. Is that enough for you?
I am doubly sorry to say that he has told you in no uncertain terms that he has no intention of entering recovery for alcoholism at this time. I hope you can find a way to accept this and take a good hard look at how you want to spend your one precious life. Alcoholism, left untreated, is progressive. It would seem that how things are right now are the best you can reasonably expect them to ever be. Is that enough for you?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
My second husband went back to drinking after almost dying of liver/kidney failure. I left because I'd seen him through one deathbed vigil and wasn't up for another.
As far as I know, he is still drinking himself to death, but it's a slow process--how he's still alive fifteen years later, I have no idea. I'm just glad I didn't stick around to watch it.
As far as I know, he is still drinking himself to death, but it's a slow process--how he's still alive fifteen years later, I have no idea. I'm just glad I didn't stick around to watch it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by Priya5
He made me a long and loving promise on our wedding day that he would never drink without me knowing again, no more secrets.
I few days ago, I began suspecting that he was drinking in secret. Yesterday I was pretty sure, today I was certain and asked him. He said yes. I asked if it was Vodka (always the worst sign). He agreed that it was and asked "what happens now? Do you want me to leave?" I said that we were only just married and shouldn't give-up so easily. He said that he doesn't want to stop drinking and if it knocks a few years off his life, that's okay. I am 57 and he is nearly 63. It took us a long time to find each other and we have so many plans.
I know at an intellectual level that I can't control his drinking and should just live my life with him without commenting, but I love him and any social occasion or holiday (travelling is one of our things) is ruined for me as I just watch him enjoying wrecking his health
I few days ago, I began suspecting that he was drinking in secret. Yesterday I was pretty sure, today I was certain and asked him. He said yes. I asked if it was Vodka (always the worst sign). He agreed that it was and asked "what happens now? Do you want me to leave?" I said that we were only just married and shouldn't give-up so easily. He said that he doesn't want to stop drinking and if it knocks a few years off his life, that's okay. I am 57 and he is nearly 63. It took us a long time to find each other and we have so many plans.
I know at an intellectual level that I can't control his drinking and should just live my life with him without commenting, but I love him and any social occasion or holiday (travelling is one of our things) is ruined for me as I just watch him enjoying wrecking his health
Ask yourself whether you can see your relationship being happy if honesty and trust are not present, and whether his discreet dismissal of his previous promise becomes a deal-breaker for you.
Ask yourself was his sobriety a factor in deciding to go ahead with the small wedding, and does the knowledge that he has been drinking and doesn't want to stop change your opinion of whether you would have married him in the first place? He has drawn his line in the sand: he doesn't want to stop drinking, and he's willing to accept the consequences of continuing down that path.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
P,
He is honest with you, telling you he is drinking. and he doesn't want to stop. There is nothing you can do for him, but "let" him drink. You can work on yourself if you want to stay. If you can live like that, it is your future. Some people can, I could not. There is a lot of threads helping us codies.
You will have to be honest with yourself, can you live like this for the rest of his life? It's not easy watching our love ones kill themselves. My axh told me that "he had to die from something"
hugs my friend!!
He is honest with you, telling you he is drinking. and he doesn't want to stop. There is nothing you can do for him, but "let" him drink. You can work on yourself if you want to stay. If you can live like that, it is your future. Some people can, I could not. There is a lot of threads helping us codies.
You will have to be honest with yourself, can you live like this for the rest of his life? It's not easy watching our love ones kill themselves. My axh told me that "he had to die from something"
hugs my friend!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,984
Welcome Priya! I'm glad you found us. There is a lot of information here and I hope you find us all supportive.
Really difficult situation for you. Have you looked into an Alanon meeting? Also be sure and check out the mishmash of fine information in the Stickies at the top of the forum.
Really difficult situation for you. Have you looked into an Alanon meeting? Also be sure and check out the mishmash of fine information in the Stickies at the top of the forum.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Hi Priya. I agree that he has been clear that he has no plans to stop drinking. Can you accept that, be happy and not attempt to try to control his drinking? Also, one other thing to think about...in the event he does drink himself to death, do you want to be there being the one responsible for taking care of him?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ jada-yep...good question. I watched my ex father in law die an awful long drawn out disgusting death-due to his body dying from drinking. And I watched my ex mother in law try to care for him....trust me, you don't want that job. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Peace to you.
Peace to you.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Pryia, I agree with others that your husband has obviously made a decision to go on drinking, and not to seek treatment. His nurse is for his diabetes, not a D&A counsellor, and is answering his questions honestly. She's probably well aware that he is using her answers as an excuse to drink.
The statement from your AH that he wants to drink even if it means a few less years, is pure rationalisation. Death from liver failure is not a happy process - it's undignified and nasty, and often the sufferer doesn't want to die. During this process you will be the one looking after him.
I respect your decision to stay with him, but please ask yourself if it's caused through fear of being alone. Single people can have wonderful lives that are not lonely. It's taking a big toll on your emotions, and unless you're can manage to detach you may reach breaking point. Perhaps a counsellor for yourself would help?
The statement from your AH that he wants to drink even if it means a few less years, is pure rationalisation. Death from liver failure is not a happy process - it's undignified and nasty, and often the sufferer doesn't want to die. During this process you will be the one looking after him.
I respect your decision to stay with him, but please ask yourself if it's caused through fear of being alone. Single people can have wonderful lives that are not lonely. It's taking a big toll on your emotions, and unless you're can manage to detach you may reach breaking point. Perhaps a counsellor for yourself would help?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 22
Thank you all for your kind, supportive replies. Aside from all of this, I generally try to take a very Mindful, Buddhist approach to life (I fail frequently of course, but that's okay). Up to this stage, I have never been able to do that regarding AH drinking, but this time I seem to be in a different place. When I married him, I knew he may fail, but decided that I love him so much, that I want to be married to him anyway. I told him this, but added that if he started drinking again and it started having disruptive effect upon my life, he would have to leave (the house we live in is mine) and that I would look out for him, but I wouldn't live with him. I still stand by this. However, before coming here and reading your comments, I hadn't thought about the emotional disruption. I will take account of that.
Whenever, the secret drinking has been discovered, it is always followed by anger and bravado. I think he is angry with himself, rather than me. This then is followed by him going off by himself to brood. He has been in the spare bedroom since 6pm GMT yesterday. There is no alcohol in there.
Right now, I am taking a Mindful approach to this and just being in the present. I know and (for the first time) accept that I have no control or influence over what he does. I know that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, but also that I cannot know with certainty what the future will bring. I will take things as they come just now.
I have been to a couple of Alanon meetings in the past, but found it isn't for me. I found them a bit too Gestalt! Also, I am not remotely religeous and, although it's said that the higher power can be anything that works for the individual, the mention of God makes me cringe. I have thought about getting some counselling for me. I have a look at some registered people online yesterday, but didn't come across anyone who seemed right for me. I will keep looking.
I am so glad to have you all to 'talk' to. It really helps. I will come back and let you know how it's going.
Whenever, the secret drinking has been discovered, it is always followed by anger and bravado. I think he is angry with himself, rather than me. This then is followed by him going off by himself to brood. He has been in the spare bedroom since 6pm GMT yesterday. There is no alcohol in there.
Right now, I am taking a Mindful approach to this and just being in the present. I know and (for the first time) accept that I have no control or influence over what he does. I know that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, but also that I cannot know with certainty what the future will bring. I will take things as they come just now.
I have been to a couple of Alanon meetings in the past, but found it isn't for me. I found them a bit too Gestalt! Also, I am not remotely religeous and, although it's said that the higher power can be anything that works for the individual, the mention of God makes me cringe. I have thought about getting some counselling for me. I have a look at some registered people online yesterday, but didn't come across anyone who seemed right for me. I will keep looking.
I am so glad to have you all to 'talk' to. It really helps. I will come back and let you know how it's going.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Priya5......going forward....remember that all alcoholics try to hide their drinking and lie about the amount...(they even l ie to themelves).....Asking them not to "keep secrets" is futile endeavor.
He is just doing what alcoholics do....
I am sure that if you worked in the mental health field...with alcoholics....you know this...lol....
We make the decisions that we do, at any given point in time, based on the information and the beliefs that we have at that time.....
If we had the benefit of the future and the added information that it would bring to us, we might make different decisions.....
If travel ing is an important part of your life....why give it up? Don't let his alcoholism steal that from you, also.
there are many traveling groups...and, you can always find enjoyable companions for traveling adventures.....(his nurse can watch over him for his diabetes)....
As caretaking will, most likely, become a part of your future....don't let yourself step into that role prematurely....it will be confining enough.....
True, we have no control over another person, or an alcoholic....but, we can get out of their way......
It sounds, to me, as if you might reside in the UK or Australia.....lol...and, I know that there are different systems of care, over there, than in the States, where I live.... Has alcoholic rehabilitation ever been considered?
dandylion
He is just doing what alcoholics do....
I am sure that if you worked in the mental health field...with alcoholics....you know this...lol....
We make the decisions that we do, at any given point in time, based on the information and the beliefs that we have at that time.....
If we had the benefit of the future and the added information that it would bring to us, we might make different decisions.....
If travel ing is an important part of your life....why give it up? Don't let his alcoholism steal that from you, also.
there are many traveling groups...and, you can always find enjoyable companions for traveling adventures.....(his nurse can watch over him for his diabetes)....
As caretaking will, most likely, become a part of your future....don't let yourself step into that role prematurely....it will be confining enough.....
True, we have no control over another person, or an alcoholic....but, we can get out of their way......
It sounds, to me, as if you might reside in the UK or Australia.....lol...and, I know that there are different systems of care, over there, than in the States, where I live.... Has alcoholic rehabilitation ever been considered?
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 22
Thanks Dandylion,
We do live in the UK. So by the time they need nursing with a failing liver, it's done in hospital by the NHS.
I will carry on travelling and for a while, he will probably be up to coming along (depending upon what happens from here and if I want him there).
I do know that they even lie to themselves, so not much hope of us getting the truth eh?
He has been to community services for help in the past (found by me of course). He doesn't believe he needs it.
We do live in the UK. So by the time they need nursing with a failing liver, it's done in hospital by the NHS.
I will carry on travelling and for a while, he will probably be up to coming along (depending upon what happens from here and if I want him there).
I do know that they even lie to themselves, so not much hope of us getting the truth eh?
He has been to community services for help in the past (found by me of course). He doesn't believe he needs it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi Priya,
I tend to agree with Thomas on this one. Honesty & Trust. It seems to me that if you have already verbalized what your boundaries are then you may need to stick to them. Are you O.K. with his continued drinking? Aside from the health reasons if so may I ask why? I understand the age issues, believe me I do but is this the kind of life that you want for the remainder of your years?
I guess these are the questions that I would be asking myself .
Sorry for what finds you here.
Ro
I tend to agree with Thomas on this one. Honesty & Trust. It seems to me that if you have already verbalized what your boundaries are then you may need to stick to them. Are you O.K. with his continued drinking? Aside from the health reasons if so may I ask why? I understand the age issues, believe me I do but is this the kind of life that you want for the remainder of your years?
I guess these are the questions that I would be asking myself .
Sorry for what finds you here.
Ro
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 22
He has spontaneously said that he recognises that he cannot control his use of alcohol and that, therefore, he is going to give it up completely. Despite the large quantities that he has put away over the years, stangely, he never seems to experience physical withdrawal. He says he will go to AA meetings and already has the number of a guy there who said he was welcome to ring him anytime.
I accept this at face value, but also recognise that we have been here before, so I am not overflowing with optimism.
I accept this at face value, but also recognise that we have been here before, so I am not overflowing with optimism.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,984
Originally Posted by Priya5
He has spontaneously said that he recognises that he cannot control his use of alcohol and that, therefore, he is going to give it up completely. Despite the large quantities that he has put away over the years, stangely, he never seems to experience physical withdrawal. He says he will go to AA meetings and already has the number of a guy there who said he was welcome to ring him anytime.
I accept this at face value, but also recognise that we have been here before, so I am not overflowing with optimism.
I accept this at face value, but also recognise that we have been here before, so I am not overflowing with optimism.
Take care of yourself and keep learning! Big hug!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Hope it works out Priya. You are wise not to be too optimistic or hopeful.
Take care of yourself and keep learning! Big hug!
Take care of yourself and keep learning! Big hug!
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