Stopping, Starting, Wrestling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 61
Stopping, Starting, Wrestling
Hey everyone!
It's been a while since I've posted, but I still linger and drop in to read what others are saying/doing/going through. I have to say, this past six months since I first started lingering around here has been an incredibly important journey in my life.
After posting on here a few times last fall and winter, asking over and over again "but do you think I really have a problem?" I finally decided in February to try something new- and I started a recovery plan. It was really just a checklist of "stuff" at the time that I gathered from places such as SR and other sobriety sites to help me live in moderation. I wasn't ready to admit it was even a recovery or treatment plan. I journaled about it in my diaries often and called it vaguely my "new idea for wellness." Whatever that means. But it was a start.
I got stuck in that precontemplation stage for a very long time, maybe six to nine months. Precontemplation turned into contemplation in March, and I went 7 days in a row without a drink for the first time in four years. 7 days isn't much, but it was a huge first. But I got cocky and decided that I was okay to drink in social situations as long as I wasn't drinking alone anymore, and of course that didn't work.
So back to reading, researching, considering "do I *really* have a problem," creating a checklist of things to do to help myself, all the while not wanting to admit that maybe drinking was the primary problem.
I talked a lot in March and April about "wellness" (that word again- not sobriety, wellness). I started exercising, signed up for a 5k (which is on June 4th), started drinking green smoothies, lots of lean fish, taking long bubblebaths at night, but still didn't want to let go of my wine. And for a while, I did cut back. I had two or three sober nights a week, I'd stop after a glass or two, etc. But then it all picked up again, and turned back into a bottle a night with no breaks in between.
I read Blackout, (by Sarah Hepola), which I would recommend to anyone. I learned about gray-outs, which I definitely have, and even putting a name on that phenomenon was sobering in itself for me. I also kind of identified why AA turns me off. I couldn't put my finger on what I disliked about it (and this is in no way trying to turn anyone off from it or say it's not good- it just didn't appeal to me). So I went back to considering "Okay then what?" If AA doesn't appeal to me, then what? And I discovered Celebrate Recovery, which has been much more appealing to me.
I live in a very small rural community and the nearest AA meeting is more than 35 minutes away, and when I went it was only men in a tiny room. ONLY men. I felt so weird and uncomfortable and I wanted to run away. But then I discovered that there is a CR in my tiny town, and it's men and women of all ages. Do I know some folks there? Yeah. And even a month ago, I remember telling my husband that I would NEVER go to the CR meetings because "what if they judge me" or "what if they tell others in town" or "what will they think of me" or "you know I'm going to know EVERYONE there."
But this month, I finally decided to go from the contemplation phase to the action phase, and I decided that my being healthy and living in truth and living in the light is more important than whatever they'll think when they see me walk into the room at those meetings. It was also less intimidating to me because CR is all kinds of addictions and strongholds, not just alcohol, and alcohol isn't the only thing in my life that keeps me stuck.
I know that thinking of "forever" kept me stuck for a long long time. Worrying over labels kept me stuck too. Worrying over how I'll handle and upcoming event has kept me stuck. Worrying over what holidays and vacations and family gatherings will look like if I don't drink anymore has been a burden too. Listening to a podcast I found called "The Bubble Hour" has helped with that, because I relate SO strongly to those ladies. They talk about all of those same worries and fears, and how they handled passing all of those first vacations, weddings, dinners, dates, holidays, etc. It makes me feel so good hearing that I'm not the only one who has wrestled and struggled and stopped and started. And I'd rather not think of all of those starts and stops as failures anymore- it doesn't benefit me to do so. It's all added to my journey and helped me to be more focused and more honest with myself.
I'm not talking about wellness anymore- although that's important and a definite byproduct of being sober- I'm talking about sobriety. I'm not living off of a checklist of "shower today" "drink smoothie" "take vitamins" "go for a run" anymore. I overwhelmed myself with the checklists. Now the lists help me stay on target instead of doing the list while still denying the real problem.
I find myself devouring books written by women who have struggled with addiction and recovery because I want to see myself reflected back to me. It's human nature to yearn for a reflection of ourselves in others. I've ordered half a dozen books from Amazon and try to read a blog at least every single day written by other women who have been where I am or are on the same road I'm on.
"Forever" still scares me. Saying "I'll never drink again" is scary and something I won't say. So I just get by day by day. I say "Today I won't drink." And that's all I can do.
It's been a while since I've posted, but I still linger and drop in to read what others are saying/doing/going through. I have to say, this past six months since I first started lingering around here has been an incredibly important journey in my life.
After posting on here a few times last fall and winter, asking over and over again "but do you think I really have a problem?" I finally decided in February to try something new- and I started a recovery plan. It was really just a checklist of "stuff" at the time that I gathered from places such as SR and other sobriety sites to help me live in moderation. I wasn't ready to admit it was even a recovery or treatment plan. I journaled about it in my diaries often and called it vaguely my "new idea for wellness." Whatever that means. But it was a start.
I got stuck in that precontemplation stage for a very long time, maybe six to nine months. Precontemplation turned into contemplation in March, and I went 7 days in a row without a drink for the first time in four years. 7 days isn't much, but it was a huge first. But I got cocky and decided that I was okay to drink in social situations as long as I wasn't drinking alone anymore, and of course that didn't work.
So back to reading, researching, considering "do I *really* have a problem," creating a checklist of things to do to help myself, all the while not wanting to admit that maybe drinking was the primary problem.
I talked a lot in March and April about "wellness" (that word again- not sobriety, wellness). I started exercising, signed up for a 5k (which is on June 4th), started drinking green smoothies, lots of lean fish, taking long bubblebaths at night, but still didn't want to let go of my wine. And for a while, I did cut back. I had two or three sober nights a week, I'd stop after a glass or two, etc. But then it all picked up again, and turned back into a bottle a night with no breaks in between.
I read Blackout, (by Sarah Hepola), which I would recommend to anyone. I learned about gray-outs, which I definitely have, and even putting a name on that phenomenon was sobering in itself for me. I also kind of identified why AA turns me off. I couldn't put my finger on what I disliked about it (and this is in no way trying to turn anyone off from it or say it's not good- it just didn't appeal to me). So I went back to considering "Okay then what?" If AA doesn't appeal to me, then what? And I discovered Celebrate Recovery, which has been much more appealing to me.
I live in a very small rural community and the nearest AA meeting is more than 35 minutes away, and when I went it was only men in a tiny room. ONLY men. I felt so weird and uncomfortable and I wanted to run away. But then I discovered that there is a CR in my tiny town, and it's men and women of all ages. Do I know some folks there? Yeah. And even a month ago, I remember telling my husband that I would NEVER go to the CR meetings because "what if they judge me" or "what if they tell others in town" or "what will they think of me" or "you know I'm going to know EVERYONE there."
But this month, I finally decided to go from the contemplation phase to the action phase, and I decided that my being healthy and living in truth and living in the light is more important than whatever they'll think when they see me walk into the room at those meetings. It was also less intimidating to me because CR is all kinds of addictions and strongholds, not just alcohol, and alcohol isn't the only thing in my life that keeps me stuck.
I know that thinking of "forever" kept me stuck for a long long time. Worrying over labels kept me stuck too. Worrying over how I'll handle and upcoming event has kept me stuck. Worrying over what holidays and vacations and family gatherings will look like if I don't drink anymore has been a burden too. Listening to a podcast I found called "The Bubble Hour" has helped with that, because I relate SO strongly to those ladies. They talk about all of those same worries and fears, and how they handled passing all of those first vacations, weddings, dinners, dates, holidays, etc. It makes me feel so good hearing that I'm not the only one who has wrestled and struggled and stopped and started. And I'd rather not think of all of those starts and stops as failures anymore- it doesn't benefit me to do so. It's all added to my journey and helped me to be more focused and more honest with myself.
I'm not talking about wellness anymore- although that's important and a definite byproduct of being sober- I'm talking about sobriety. I'm not living off of a checklist of "shower today" "drink smoothie" "take vitamins" "go for a run" anymore. I overwhelmed myself with the checklists. Now the lists help me stay on target instead of doing the list while still denying the real problem.
I find myself devouring books written by women who have struggled with addiction and recovery because I want to see myself reflected back to me. It's human nature to yearn for a reflection of ourselves in others. I've ordered half a dozen books from Amazon and try to read a blog at least every single day written by other women who have been where I am or are on the same road I'm on.
"Forever" still scares me. Saying "I'll never drink again" is scary and something I won't say. So I just get by day by day. I say "Today I won't drink." And that's all I can do.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: 45th Parallel, Michigan
Posts: 816
Originally Posted by BellJar7 
And I'd rather not think of all of those starts and stops as failures anymore- it doesn't benefit me to do so. It's all added to my journey and helped me to be more focused and more honest with myself.
And the above quote resonated deeply with me; being a member here for an entire decade, I'm haunted by my many past attempts; I love how you turned those thoughts upside down for me--Thank You!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
that's a lot of good progress, and a cool chronicle of the journey.
many of us went through a lot of very similar types of efforts and progression....
along the way to sobriety, the desire to be 'well' was a key....
a focus on that desire kept deepening a quiet conviction growing inside - until one day embracing sobriety and living life felt like what we truly WANTED.... and 'forever' was no longer intimidating... it was exciting.
I think you're doing well... keep it up.
many of us went through a lot of very similar types of efforts and progression....
along the way to sobriety, the desire to be 'well' was a key....
a focus on that desire kept deepening a quiet conviction growing inside - until one day embracing sobriety and living life felt like what we truly WANTED.... and 'forever' was no longer intimidating... it was exciting.
I think you're doing well... keep it up.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
"Forever" still scares me. Saying "I'll never drink again" is scary and something I won't say. So I just get by day by day. I say "Today I won't drink." And that's all I can do.
It's a mind game for sure, at least it is for me. I'm at a little over two months, so still very early days to be sure, but I only got this far by saying "today I won't drink." I was a wine drinker too - and what's interesting is that at this point, when I see the red wine all lined up in the grocery store, I don't think oh man I'd love some of that - I think oh man there's a pounding headache, dehydration and confusion in a bottle - yuck. And this feeling is with only two months.
Some of the posters here have years' worth of sobriety, and they keep saying that "it gets better" and that over time, the struggle to resist the urge to drink does subside. I have faith in that - but to see the results, I have to wake up every day and say "today I don't drink".
I read here (I don't remember the person's user name) that we shouldn't "future trip" so much - worrying about social gatherings, holidays, birthdays, etc. Just focus on today.
It's a mind game for sure, at least it is for me. I'm at a little over two months, so still very early days to be sure, but I only got this far by saying "today I won't drink." I was a wine drinker too - and what's interesting is that at this point, when I see the red wine all lined up in the grocery store, I don't think oh man I'd love some of that - I think oh man there's a pounding headache, dehydration and confusion in a bottle - yuck. And this feeling is with only two months.
Some of the posters here have years' worth of sobriety, and they keep saying that "it gets better" and that over time, the struggle to resist the urge to drink does subside. I have faith in that - but to see the results, I have to wake up every day and say "today I don't drink".
I read here (I don't remember the person's user name) that we shouldn't "future trip" so much - worrying about social gatherings, holidays, birthdays, etc. Just focus on today.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
This is a very encouraging post, BellJar7!!!
This journey into living in sobriety sure can take a lot of twists and turns. However difficult and eventful it is to get here, the important thing is we are here.
This journey into living in sobriety sure can take a lot of twists and turns. However difficult and eventful it is to get here, the important thing is we are here.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
I'm glad to see you back posting BellJar - I'm glad you're liking CelebrateRecovery too
I was scared to say 'forever' too but I committed to not drinking every day...after a while the idea of forever lost its fear for me - I feel sure it will for you too
D
I was scared to say 'forever' too but I committed to not drinking every day...after a while the idea of forever lost its fear for me - I feel sure it will for you too
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Originally Posted by BellJar7
I find myself devouring books written by women who have struggled with addiction and recovery because I want to see myself reflected back to me. It's human nature to yearn for a reflection of ourselves in others. I've ordered half a dozen books from Amazon and try to read a blog at least every single day written by other women who have been where I am or are on the same road I'm on.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ependence.html
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Great post Belljar
I just googled CR in my area and it is literally sponsored by local churches (not just held in one of their meeting rooms like most AA meetings). Is it a very Christian based program? It seems to be in my area. Just curious.
I just googled CR in my area and it is literally sponsored by local churches (not just held in one of their meeting rooms like most AA meetings). Is it a very Christian based program? It seems to be in my area. Just curious.
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