Keeping it in the day

Hi everyone,

I feel a little upset at the moment. My friend went into rehab just before Xmas on a years program where hopefully she will get a job as a mentor at the end. She cannot use a mobile phone or computer and although she can make phone calls on a privilege system we are now in different countries with me in the UK and her in Tasmania.

I have been sending her cards etc to show my support and finally last week she sent me a letter from rehab.

It seems she has not really found any peace despite being nearly 5 months sober. The letter was full of hate and spite about her peers and what they had done wrong etc. She also said that she "may" drink again, and is talking about getting early money from her superannuation to come and see me.

I am so disappointed and also frightened about telling her she cannot come here. I am lodging and cannot put her up. Nor can I recommend a cheap b&b in the area if she is going to be drinking again. This is a small town and also I have no wish to see her if she hasn't changed. I myself am still struggling but am in a much better place than I was 3 years ago. I have a good job with lots of positive feedback. I spend my day looking after sick people being a nurse and I literally cannot cope with anymore at this time in my life.

I feel I am being mean and selfish but I just couldn't cope with the nastiness of this letter. A lot of time and effort went into getting her into this public rehab where they take money from your benefits and leave you with a little each week for sundries. It seems she is not moving on and is constantly engaged in some feud with some housemate or other.
The only positive in this is that the program is very strict and it seems that the only using or drinking occurs on weekend leave with the person involved being either thrown out altogether or going backwards several stages and having to earn privileges again.

I didn't have a super time in rehab either but I am eternally grateful to the people involved who worked very hard to get me accepted into the program and have nearly four months sober. Yes some of my peers drove me mad but I had compassion and tolerance and my friend seems to have lost these qualities because she had them before.

Anyway I just wanted to share my thoughts and try to minimise these feelings of disappointment and gloom

Thanks for listening.
Jude

Ruby2

Congratulations on your sober time. That is great and it sounds like you are on the right path.

It is too bad that your friend is still struggling. Do you think perhaps it is simply venting to someone with whom she is comfortable or is it truly mean?

It sounds to me that perhaps she hasn't accepted that she cannot drink again and is angry. Whatever is fueling her anger isn't yours to deal with. I can understand that you are nervous that she would return and cause chaos in your life.

Maybe write to her and tell her that you wish her the best and that her letter caused your concern. And that now is not a good time for her to come visit you.

I hope you feel better.

Anna

Jude, I'm glad you are doing well and determined to stay on track. I'm sure it's disappointing to see your friend caught up in 'stuff' rather than working on her recovery. You have 4 months of sobriety and probably the best thing you can do for your friend is to be an example.

AdelineRose

Congrats on your sober time, in the end all we can do is control our own lives and move our own recovery forward.

I know it had to be disappointing to see that she is not progressing as one would have hoped, but maybe it isn't her time. Without some type of recovery work she is only going to stay a dry drunk and that is completely on her plate. What you can control is allowing her to come visit you. You have the right to say "No this relationship isn't healthy for my recovery" and I would do the exact same thing. Sometimes we have to let go of people, your sobriety and recovery comes first before you even start to worry about hurting another person's feelings (especially when the other person is not truly in recover and can be a trigger).

Continue doing your recovery work and it might be time to go no contact with her. You cannot save her from herself, you can only save yourself. You seem to be in a good head space and great job moving your own life forward!

fantail

It's possible that, given that she doesn't write often, this was just a time when she got really frustrated and put it all down in a letter. Hopefully the rest of the time she isn't writing because she's on a more even keel? I know my emotions were really explosive at first. Also, a year in rehab with no computer or phone has got to be really, really hard. I can't even fathom it. So hopefully what you got was just a snapshot of one day that was really rough on her.

Definitely protect your sobriety if she turns up looking to stay with you. But for now I'd try to give her the benefit of the doubt and hopefully by the end of the year she'll be strong in her sobriety.

Congrats on your sober time!