hr87

Hello everyone. I've posted here before a few years back, and I feel like it's time to post again.

I've grown so tired of the routine. Every morning , I'll wake up at 5:00 AM and pour myself a glass of orange juice and vodka to kill the hangover and ease the shakiness (I think the shakiness is more psychological than actual). I'll get ready for work (which usually involves some vomiting), clock in and pretend everything's ok. On lunch break, I'll have a Powerade with my meal. If I'm feeling ok, it's just Powerade. If I'm feeling edgy, it'll be the "special" Powerade. If it's a really rough day, I'll have some on my 15 minute break in the morning as well. After lunch, I'll pretend everything is ok for another four hours or so, but I'll really be looking forward to 6:00 so I can clock out, go home, and drink until I fall asleep. Every second day or so, I have to stop at the liquor store and buy vodka on the way home, but of course I have to change up which one so I like less of an alcoholic (though who else buys cheap vodka?). Eat dinner (but maybe not if it'll interfere with drinking), go to bed, repeat. Every. Damned. Day. If it's not a work day, just throw out all the parts that don't involve drinking. If I'm going out at night, I'll find an excuse to make someone else drive.

I'm tired of it. I've already lost one relationship and the job I loved because of it. All I want is for someone in my life to confront me about it so I can just break down and get help...but I can't bring myself do broach the subject. I know how stupid that sounds. Even still, I'm not sure how I'd swing it...going to rehab would lose me my job, and thus my insurance.

I'm not suicidal in any way, but I've gotten to a point where I'm not sure I would mind if something happened and I died. This isn't living. I feel like I'm in a prison.

Dime

It's not fun at all. I sure remember those days and am so grateful they are in my past now. Why not come up with a recovery plan and get free from the nightmare? Life can be so much better!

hr87

That's what I'm hoping to do...just getting that out there, even on a message board with strangers, is cathartic. I'm going to try to work up the courage to talk to someone this weekend...the charade isn't going to last much longer the way I'm going.

Delilah1

Hi HR,

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. I'm sure the thought of telling people seems overwhelming, but I have a feeling those you are closest to already know. They may not know the extent, but they probably suspect you are drinking too much.

Most insurance covers rehab, and you would not have to disclose to your employer why you are out, you could simply say it is a medical or stress and go out on disability, and both of those are true. Also, many companies have a department through human resources to help employees dealing with multiple addictions.

I'm sure the idea of rehab is scary, but it may be just what you need to get back on track. You mentioned you already lost a job you love, was it due to drinking?

I am getting close to five months sober, after many failed attempts in the past. Many of those attempts included moderation which just led me back to drinking every night again. Spend some time reading around on this site and start a list of things that will work for your own individual plan. My biggest support was the January 2016 class, it helps to have a groups of people who are at the same point in their sobriety journey, you should join the Mat class today and get to know some of the people in there (you just need to click on the May link and post)

You can do this!!

Nowsthetime

Hello and welcome:

It seems like you are reaching that point and that you are confronting yourself. This is all up to you!

Read and post and start learning about alcoholism, recovery and sobriety. There's lots of priceless information here.

I really hope to see you around. Do you know about AVRT, or having a plan? That has really helped me.

Welcome again.

entropy1964

Ugh, your post reminds me of my benders....but without the slightly functioning part. Just drink, act crazy, pass out. For 3-7 days.

It is prison. But you are the only one with the key to your cell. If you can't afford to go to rehab, could you take a week off to detox at a facility or with your dr? I don't think the shakes are in your head if that is your drinking pattern.

Only way to stop is to stop.

ChloeRose63

That vicious cycle is hard to break without changes. It is a 'prison' of sorts. You need a solid plan to 'escape' and 'break out' of the situation you have created. It is not a good place to be. What are you considering? There is so much help out there you just have to really want to change the way you are living. You obviously know it is a dead end road . Don't be afraid to make some calls . Rehab is a life changer and maybe the way to get started on a new way of living. Keep posting! Glad you are with us♡

BBQBOY

Hi Hr87, your post does not sound stupid....it sounds like a plea for help!! I know exactly how you feel..been there and got the t-shirt. It sounds like you definitely need some outside help. If in-patient rehab is out of the question....how about IOP (intensive out patient) treatment? Most IOP's have evening hours...will urine test you (for accountability) and are more economical than traditional rehabs. I am enrolled in one right now....have been for 1 year. At first I was going about 4-5 night a week and then tapered down to 1 night a week with my continuing care group. Just Google IOP"s in your area, you can get help and still keep your JOB!!! Also most IOP's have doctors and can prescribe med's for detox & anti-craving meds. It is worth a shot...it was one of my best decisions!! Best Wishes

thomas11

Hi hr, so much of your posts hits home. My binges (like Frickaflap) were very similar, morning till night drinking, and I called it "alcoholic jail", and you are right, its no way to live.

I would seriously examine the advice given by the people on this forum as to whether or not you can get covered medically by insurance, and probably be able to keep your job. Are you in US? It sounds like there would be a risk quitting cold turkey. The only other idea I had would be to use some sick and vacation time and get detoxed, and then be determined as hell not to pick up again.

Bottom line is you are not living life, and you know that too. Do what it takes, make it your number one priority. RIght now it appears that drinking is the second highest item on your priority list, work being number one. You will need to add sobriety to that priority list, and it might even need to be a higher priority than work. Good luck and keep us posted.

least

I used to wake up feeling horrible, hating myself, and wishing I were dead. It's no way to live.

Since I've gotten sober for good, I wake up feeling good and ready for the day.

I hope our support can help you get sober for good. It's so worth it.

BirdsAteMyFace

I could have written a lot of this post myself. The only exception is that I'd be sober for an extended period of time, something would trigger my PTSD, I'd panic, pour booze on it, then have to repeat that daily (hourly) because I quickly become dependent and would be so afraid of withdrawal. I did this for years. It all came to a head last week and I ended up in the hospital. Be kind to yourself and get some medical detox, even if it's just the emergency room. I'm not going to lie, it's not pleasant. But then again, neither is being a slave to something that will eventually kill you.

FreeOwl

Whenever you're ready..... all you have to do is choose sobriety.

It's scary and it's not easy and it takes work and patience and effort and action and change. It often takes swallowing your pride, taking some risk, asking for help.

It can take a willingness to risk it all - for the chance at not losing it all.

I promise you, if you choose sobriety and give it all you've got to make the changes needed to support that choice; your life will be better than ever.

And.... YOU CAN.

It's totally up to you.

Ruby2

Hey, thanks for your post because it reminded me of what it was like when I was still drinking. Every day, day in and day out. It wasn't much of a life but it was mine. I hated it but it was still scary to do something about it and quit.

In the end I did go to inpatient treatment. If you can't do that, I'd suggest the intensive outpatient for starters. Are you averse to AA? You could try attending some meetings, at least to have something to do in the evening other than drinking.

Good luck. You can break those chains. It is uncomfortable but it can be done.

Anna

You can stop drinking now if you make that choice. There are many ways to go about it and yes, rehab is one option. If it won't work for you with your job, you can try other options such as AVRT, AA, Smart, and SR itself is full of supportive people to help you along. Do this for yourself because you deserve a better life.

Soberwolf

Welcome

Cherrybreeze

hr,

I could've written this. EXACTLY my routine, to a T. For months I wanted to say it out loud and couldn't....until I could. Until I sat there one night (only 8 days ago!), alone, and absolutely crying into my drink, not wanting to do it anymore. So I let in a couple of people, only my closest. Let me tell you - while I can't say everyone will react the same way, my family and SO (and boss!) have all been encouraging and supportive. And breaking that routine of the drinking/buying/etc cycle? Incredibly freeing. It's a full time job to both plan and hide, and it's mentally exhausting.
I'm not sure what the best route would be, such as inpatient detox, etc (I got through the worst over a 3 day weekend at home). But even in my short time on the other side, it is worth it. I couldn't have imagined the weight it would lift.

Hang in there.

fantail

My days used to look like yours. It took me a lot to tell my family I needed to go to rehab. But eventually I did, after many dramatic events. They helped me find a place covered by insurance.

I had drank my way out of a job by then, but you can go without disclosing the nature of your illness to your employer. Research FMLA. Some of the people I was at rehab with were on it.

You can definitely quit without rehab. But if you feel it's necessary — for myself, I'd already tried to quit solo to the point where my withdrawals were becoming dangerous — don't let the red tape stand in your way. I started thinking I needed inpatient about a year before I went. I wish I hadn't waited so long.

IvanMike

I had a moment of clarity like that once. Everything became clear.

I used for 8 more years after that.

In my case I went to NA (we consider alcohol just another drug, but i was using other drugs as well). Despite being quite hostile and resistant to what I considered an archaic zombie mind-control god cult, I had reached the point where I went in and asked for help. They helped. They still do.

I did go to a six week outpatient as well. This was also very helpful. I didn't go to inpatient detox or use temporary medical interventions, but I have plenty of friends who did.

So here's the straight up, honest truth.

You don't ever have to use again or feel like you feel again. You can get out of that prison you're in and never go back. However, no matter what recovery method you choose, it's going to take work and commitment, and you're going to have to show up. That said, if you ask for help, you'll get it.

You just need a plan and you need to show up for it, even the things you don't feel like doing. In my case it was also essential to accept that I had no idea how to formulate a plan of recovery myself. Fortunately for us, there are others who have experience and who can help.

The ball is in your court, This is either the turning point in your life, or it's just another bottom. Be good to yourself - choose door #1.