My persuasive brain and a conundrum.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: No idea, Nowhere.
Posts: 16
My persuasive brain and a conundrum.
It is always this that dogs my progress. Every time I manage just one night without drinking, which I am supposed to feel mighty proud of, there is this very vocal part of my brain that begins forcibly persuading me that I am still young, I can drink if I want to, I couldn't possibly have harmed my body enough yet(!), everyone my age drinks this much, I'm just having fun; nothing wrong with that, I will cut down/quit when I am older and even if I don't, there will be no permanent damage for a decade or so yet.....and on and on.
Of course I know it's just my mind panicking at the thought of a sober night, but by Jove it works! I feel so on edge it's insane. I have to remind myself this panic is all over a couple of drinks-how can that possibly be so scary or stressful?!
So here's the truth:
I began drinking at 14 but it didn't become a problem until I was around 18, at which point I was drinking nightly and did panic if I had to go without. I drank every night for the next 4 years, then had 2 years of sobriety (my partner put his foot down) before I hit the bottle again, which is where I am still stuck. My brain likes to tell me that any damage I did to my body from the ages of 18-21 would have been rectified during my 2 years sober, and that the last 4 years of drinking couldn't have caused significant harm......
I am 27 years old. I like to drink. I enjoy being drunk.
Every now and then, for no reason, my mind transports me back to my sober years and I feel that freedom in my body and mind; I feel as healthy as I did then. But it only lasts a second or two before the feeling disappears and I am left here feeling like cr*p.
The problem is this trick my mind plays on me, telling me I am fine, I will be fine, everything is fine, why am I being so dramatic about it? Blah blah blah.
I had one beer last night then stopped (I have 8/9 cans every night without fail so this is fairly major), I feel proud of myself and am genuinely looking forward to feeling better in mind, body and soul. But. My brain is panicking about tonight already. It is 4AM and my mind is scrabbling for excuses to drink at 9 O'clock tonight-17 hours away.
Brain-I am only 27. I am young. I deserve to have fun and if I enjoy being drunk, I shouldn't feel bad about it should I? What's so wrong with a few beers on an evening?
Me-*Wake up feeling awful and ill* 'Why do I do this to myself? I won't drink tonight, I swear.'
Brain-*Later, feeling much better, albeit very tired* There's no harm in drinking tonight, there's that movie you've been waiting to watch, it's been a long day; you deserve to relax with a beer, loads of 27 year olds are getting plastered tonight so why not you?, stop worrying so much; you feel fine don't you? Go on, drink.
Urrggghhhhh.....and on it goes, round and round and round.
How to deal with this full blown mind panic?
Of course I know it's just my mind panicking at the thought of a sober night, but by Jove it works! I feel so on edge it's insane. I have to remind myself this panic is all over a couple of drinks-how can that possibly be so scary or stressful?!
So here's the truth:
I began drinking at 14 but it didn't become a problem until I was around 18, at which point I was drinking nightly and did panic if I had to go without. I drank every night for the next 4 years, then had 2 years of sobriety (my partner put his foot down) before I hit the bottle again, which is where I am still stuck. My brain likes to tell me that any damage I did to my body from the ages of 18-21 would have been rectified during my 2 years sober, and that the last 4 years of drinking couldn't have caused significant harm......
I am 27 years old. I like to drink. I enjoy being drunk.
Every now and then, for no reason, my mind transports me back to my sober years and I feel that freedom in my body and mind; I feel as healthy as I did then. But it only lasts a second or two before the feeling disappears and I am left here feeling like cr*p.
The problem is this trick my mind plays on me, telling me I am fine, I will be fine, everything is fine, why am I being so dramatic about it? Blah blah blah.
I had one beer last night then stopped (I have 8/9 cans every night without fail so this is fairly major), I feel proud of myself and am genuinely looking forward to feeling better in mind, body and soul. But. My brain is panicking about tonight already. It is 4AM and my mind is scrabbling for excuses to drink at 9 O'clock tonight-17 hours away.
Brain-I am only 27. I am young. I deserve to have fun and if I enjoy being drunk, I shouldn't feel bad about it should I? What's so wrong with a few beers on an evening?
Me-*Wake up feeling awful and ill* 'Why do I do this to myself? I won't drink tonight, I swear.'
Brain-*Later, feeling much better, albeit very tired* There's no harm in drinking tonight, there's that movie you've been waiting to watch, it's been a long day; you deserve to relax with a beer, loads of 27 year olds are getting plastered tonight so why not you?, stop worrying so much; you feel fine don't you? Go on, drink.
Urrggghhhhh.....and on it goes, round and round and round.
How to deal with this full blown mind panic?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Welcome to the family. 
I had to accept that I could not drink safely. That I couldn't have just one or two.
After I accepted that fact, I had to make up my mind that I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. And when I did that, it was a great load off my mind.
The second thing I did to strengthen my sobriety was to practice gratitude every day. Every day find at least one thing to be thankful for. It changed my attitude to a positive one instead of negative.
When I was grateful for my blessings, I didn't want to ruin them by drinking. And I've been sober now for almost six and a half years... and don't regret a minute of it.
I hope our support can help you get sober for good. It really is worth it.
I had to accept that I could not drink safely. That I couldn't have just one or two.
After I accepted that fact, I had to make up my mind that I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. And when I did that, it was a great load off my mind.
The second thing I did to strengthen my sobriety was to practice gratitude every day. Every day find at least one thing to be thankful for. It changed my attitude to a positive one instead of negative.
When I was grateful for my blessings, I didn't want to ruin them by drinking. And I've been sober now for almost six and a half years... and don't regret a minute of it.
I hope our support can help you get sober for good. It really is worth it.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome thismadam. The arguments you are having with yourself are familiar ones,and they are your addiction talking. Most of us have had the same ones many times over too, so don't worry that it must be something out of the ordinary for us.
For me the turning point was acceptance if my addiction. And by that I mean acceping that drinking is simply not an option for me, ever...not even one sip.
It sounds simple but it's not "easy" of course. It takes time and lots of work, but it's possible for anyone if they really want it. Most of us need help too...and a structured plan of some kind. You can learn how to make a plan here if you'd like.
For me the turning point was acceptance if my addiction. And by that I mean acceping that drinking is simply not an option for me, ever...not even one sip.
It sounds simple but it's not "easy" of course. It takes time and lots of work, but it's possible for anyone if they really want it. Most of us need help too...and a structured plan of some kind. You can learn how to make a plan here if you'd like.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
I feel for you, my young friend, I really do. The pleasure will drain out of it, that I guarantee. And you are left with nothing but consequences and aftermath...you might be 57, instead of 27, with your goals, your true life still unrealized, even unformed. The pleasure will drain out, leaving a cowering, sneaking, whining brat where your best self used to live.
You can get off this ride. I sure hope you do quit, before you kill or maim someone, or yourself. Yes, yes...you can be safe and never drive, and instead wait for the damage to accumulate in your own body and mind.
At your age I didn't think anything I did really mattered. But it did matter.
You can get off this ride. I sure hope you do quit, before you kill or maim someone, or yourself. Yes, yes...you can be safe and never drive, and instead wait for the damage to accumulate in your own body and mind.
At your age I didn't think anything I did really mattered. But it did matter.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Welcome to SR! You will find lots of support here, and since you were sober for two years you know how good your body and mind will feel when you aren't drinking.
I am 45, and I wish I was smart enough to have stopped drinking when I was 27.
I am 45, and I wish I was smart enough to have stopped drinking when I was 27.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Welcome Thismadamisdone!
I was you, drank for the first time at 14 yrs and once I was able to drink in the bars, around 16 yrs, things really took off for me
I quit drinking when I was 26 yrs. I stayed happily sober for 6 yrs and then I relapsed. For the next 22 yrs. The time really flies by. One of these days, I would think. But I felt like I had lots of time. I blinked my eyes and here I sit, 57 yrs and 1 yr, 4 mths and 18 days sober.
I can't help but wonder what my life might have been had I not spent most of it drinking.
I have hope for the future but I am very aware, now, of how fast the future rolls up on a person.
SR is a fantastic place for support and information. I hope you stick around.
I was you, drank for the first time at 14 yrs and once I was able to drink in the bars, around 16 yrs, things really took off for me
I quit drinking when I was 26 yrs. I stayed happily sober for 6 yrs and then I relapsed. For the next 22 yrs. The time really flies by. One of these days, I would think. But I felt like I had lots of time. I blinked my eyes and here I sit, 57 yrs and 1 yr, 4 mths and 18 days sober.
I can't help but wonder what my life might have been had I not spent most of it drinking.
I have hope for the future but I am very aware, now, of how fast the future rolls up on a person.
SR is a fantastic place for support and information. I hope you stick around.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 411
My mind lies to me often, just like yours. But I've learned that these thoughts are not "me", not "mine", and I don't have to listen to them. I just notice them and let them pass away. You can learn to do this too. Remember, they're only thoughts
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 107
The old "Alcoholic Voice". I know it well. Trying to control my drinking always drove me into a full on binge. It's torture. Keep in mind that "normal" drinkers don't obsess over limiting their drinks.
As far as body damage goes, I'm 10 years older than you and a doctor told me Sunday that I have damaged my liver terribly. Plus in the last 10 years, I've fallen down stairs countless times, fallen off of a deck, had head injuries, woken up severely injured with no idea how it happened (all without leaving my house!)
Somewhere in my early 30's it went from waiting to go out and party to waking up in the middle of the night to drink because I started to withdraw and dry heave. It got so bad SO fast.
Get out while you can!
As far as body damage goes, I'm 10 years older than you and a doctor told me Sunday that I have damaged my liver terribly. Plus in the last 10 years, I've fallen down stairs countless times, fallen off of a deck, had head injuries, woken up severely injured with no idea how it happened (all without leaving my house!)
Somewhere in my early 30's it went from waiting to go out and party to waking up in the middle of the night to drink because I started to withdraw and dry heave. It got so bad SO fast.
Get out while you can!
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
ThisMadam, the alcoholic part of your brain, says, Hey, you're young, you deserve to have a good time. Maybe it's time for the other part of your brain to say, Hold it right there - every day I get drunk is a waste, and I am too old to waste any more of it - I deserve a better life than this.
The trick, if you wish to call it that, is to recognize this AV when it pipes up, and separate from it, distance yourself from it. One way to do that is to decide, permanently and irrevocably to quit this crap for good. This mental act makes the AV simple to recognize. And once it is recognized, it can be accepted and then ignored. The urge goes away, and like Zenlifter says, they are only thoughts. While you can't control your thoughts, you most certainly can control your actions.
If the idea of a drunkard in your noggin who rationalizes further self destruction is an idea which works for you, maybe look into AVRT and Rational Recovery. You can find information online about it easily, and can look at our Secular Connections forum too for more info about this stuff. Lots of support for you there too.
Welcome to the forums, and I hope you keep posting!
The trick, if you wish to call it that, is to recognize this AV when it pipes up, and separate from it, distance yourself from it. One way to do that is to decide, permanently and irrevocably to quit this crap for good. This mental act makes the AV simple to recognize. And once it is recognized, it can be accepted and then ignored. The urge goes away, and like Zenlifter says, they are only thoughts. While you can't control your thoughts, you most certainly can control your actions.
If the idea of a drunkard in your noggin who rationalizes further self destruction is an idea which works for you, maybe look into AVRT and Rational Recovery. You can find information online about it easily, and can look at our Secular Connections forum too for more info about this stuff. Lots of support for you there too.
Welcome to the forums, and I hope you keep posting!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: No idea, Nowhere.
Posts: 16
I fully hear you when you say that these are not 'my' thoughts and I will learn to ignore them but......well, it sounds stupid to say this but I don't want to learn to ignore them right now. The alcoholic part of me, that is.......which happens to be a fairly major part of me at this point in my life. How do I get past this tricky stage (first days/weeks/months) where I aren't feeling any/many benefits of sobriety? How do I keep positive and stay away from the beer? Because I need to rely on my mind for distraction etc but my mind is completely focussed on getting alcohol inside of me. It's so difficult.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 411
I get what you mean when you say, "I don't want to learn to ignore them right now..." I guess it's as others have said: you have to want to quit more than you want to keep drinking. Do you? What will happen if you do keep drinking? Play the film to the end, as they say. How does the story end? At least it's a thought experiment to shut up that persuasive, manipulative brain of yours...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Of course you can have fun, but that doesn't need to involve alcohol. If you can accept that you can never drink alcohol, your mind will begin to search for new ways to have fun, to enjoy yourself. It takes a big shift in perspective and lifestyle to get and stay sober.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
If you aren't ready to quit, you aren't going to. Thinking that you should quit, that maybe it would be a good idea, is just paying lip service to the idea of recovery. It's hardly a commitment to quit, which is what you need if you want to succeed.
Your addiction wants you to drink. It doesn't care what it does to you. It might feel like continuing to drink is a decision you are rationally making, cause you "like" it. But your struggle to quit shows you "need" it. Do you really want to cede such control to alcohol?
I hope you can decide to quit.
Your addiction wants you to drink. It doesn't care what it does to you. It might feel like continuing to drink is a decision you are rationally making, cause you "like" it. But your struggle to quit shows you "need" it. Do you really want to cede such control to alcohol?
I hope you can decide to quit.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Originally Posted by Thismadamisdone 
So here's the truth:
I began drinking at 14 but it didn't become a problem until I was around 18, at which point I was drinking nightly and did panic if I had to go without. I drank every night for the next 4 years, then had 2 years of sobriety (my partner put his foot down) before I hit the bottle again, which is where I am still stuck. My brain likes to tell me that any damage I did to my body from the ages of 18-21 would have been rectified during my 2 years sober, and that the last 4 years of drinking couldn't have caused significant harm......
I am 27 years old. I like to drink. I enjoy being drunk.
I began drinking at 14 but it didn't become a problem until I was around 18, at which point I was drinking nightly and did panic if I had to go without. I drank every night for the next 4 years, then had 2 years of sobriety (my partner put his foot down) before I hit the bottle again, which is where I am still stuck. My brain likes to tell me that any damage I did to my body from the ages of 18-21 would have been rectified during my 2 years sober, and that the last 4 years of drinking couldn't have caused significant harm......
I am 27 years old. I like to drink. I enjoy being drunk.
If your brain needs convincing, I suggest you have a proper read around this site. You will find story after story of people here relating that sober time did not reset anything once they picked up again. Some will say they picked up where they left off, some will say when they picked up again it was like they never stopped.
One of the areas worst affected by alcohol is the central nervous system which includes the brain (that same brain trying to convince you to drink). Addiction does real and often lasting damage to the brain chemistry.
There is some good literature out there about the physical and physiological effects of alcohol. A classic is Under the Influence by Milam and Ketcham. I read that in the first week of getting sober and after that, my alcoholic voice quietened down a lot. Once I read that, it was just too obvious that heavy drinking was fatally harming me and it wasn't enough to stop for a "time out".
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Here's the thing...you don't know how great you can feel at your age. Your senses are at their peak, your muscles and joints work flawlessly, your energy is high, food tastes exquisite, your sleep is deep...unless you're wasting it all by drinking.
I'm 58 and closing in on five months sober, and yes, I feel much, much better, but aging is now an undeniable thing. If I had one single wish it would be to go back in time and get sober at your age just to feel that good again.
Don't waste this time drunk.
I'm 58 and closing in on five months sober, and yes, I feel much, much better, but aging is now an undeniable thing. If I had one single wish it would be to go back in time and get sober at your age just to feel that good again.
Don't waste this time drunk.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by Thismadamisdone
The problem is this trick my mind plays on me, telling me I am fine, I will be fine, everything is fine, why am I being so dramatic about it? Blah blah blah.
Re-read Freshstart57's post.
Then read this: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
You can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: No idea, Nowhere.
Posts: 16
Thank you for all your responses. My brain has been working overtime today. I will make a plan and work on actively changing my view on alcohol and seeking recovery. Thanks especially to Ariesagain; your words gave me a kick in the backside to stop making things so difficult for myself and instead appreciate all I have; I have many people to live for and am at the best time in my life to turn things around. I will do my best. Thanks again to all.
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