I need help and advice...feel like I'm loosing my tough love approach
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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I need help and advice...feel like I'm loosing my tough love approach
Hello,
My husband and I have been together for 5 years and almost married for two. we have two small children together...3 years and two months. I knew when I met him that he had a past history of addiction. He told me his drugs of choice were Percocet, OxyContin, cocaine and alcohol. Throughout our relationship there were many times that he just seemed off. I would ask if he was on something and it just turned into a blow out. He always convinced me otherwise and I would believe him even though my gut told me different. So I would continue on my way with an internal battle every day of "is he telling me the truth", "am I the crazy one", "he's got to be sober because he's holding down a job" etc. It was a constant battle in my head. I found suboxone wrappers two years ago, he denied they were his. I found another wrapper 8 months ago and he confessed he takes it to alleviate pains but that it's a non opiate pain reliever and non addictive. I'm a nurse and I had never heard of it. So I researched it and ignored all the info about it being addictive and told myself well at least he can alleviate his pains with something that's a "safer alternative". I know...so naive and so enabling. So he tells me he needs to taper off of the suboxone so I set him up with a psychiatrist who starts prescribing the suboxone as well as other meds to help him detox off of it. I start seeing new medication bottles in the cabinet...cymbalata, clonidine (to help w blood pressure as he detoxes), lyrica, restoril (for sleep). It just seemed like he was relying on pills and I even saw at one point that he was taking more cymbalta then prescribed. When I questioned that all of a sudden all of the pills were gone. When I asked he said oh I'm keeping them in my truck so I remember to take them when I'm at work. Then one evening he was supposedly on his way home from work and never came home. I called him constantly and he never picked up. I called the police and did a missing persons report. It was so unlike him...he always came home and we spoke throughout the day as if everything was "normal". So the police found him right away and he was down the street at a hotel. Before we met he had occasional binges he told me where he would lock himself in a hotel. Here I was sitting at home with our three year old and 4 week old thinking my husband was dead and he was out using. Is this really happening? So I left the house that night w my kids and moved into my parents. I couldn't subject them to him coming home the next morning in god knows what condition and then have them hear the screaming and yelling that I know he would do because he has a temper especially when I would accuse him of using. So here I am two months later, still at my parents. The week I left I was able to have him agree to meeting me at a rehab. We sat down with counsellors who told him he needed detox and then rehab. He denied he had a problem and said he couldn't give up work for five days of detox. I have been so strong telling him detox or we are done. I have found out through our insurance the night he went missing that he filled a new script the psychiatrist gave him for adderall (which he had been known to abuse in the past) and suboxone. I know he went on a binge that night w these meds and who knows what else. So his problem is clear and it's clear to me he has relapsed or maybe never been clean all along. I kick myself for getting him in contact with this psychiatrist who has been his source for more pills to abuse. I know too that I have been his stable enabler and helping enable his addiction. I reached out to his mom who also has been enabling him for 15 plus years and covering for him with our finances by paying some of our bills and not telling me. Yes he handles the finances and keeps me in the dark. She has been disgusting about things and taking his side and making me feel that I'm the bad person for keeping the kids from him. Which I have been open to him seeing...I'm only allowing him to see them at my parents supervised until he can submit to a clean hair test which he has been refusing this far. I just need some advice...I have been so strong but up until yesterday he has been texting me everyday and it's usually mean and nasty things and threats to kill himself if I don't come back home and live w him. I have gotten so sick inside myself that I was happy to still be hearing from him even if it was nasty and hurtful texts. But at least I knew he was ok. He has shut his phone off the last two days and cut off contact. I have my neighbor watching out for him by telling me when he's home just so I know he's alive. He normally works but has been home last two days so I'm deeply concerned. I know I am being such a co dependent and I need to walk away and let him be the person he wants to be and there's nothing more I can do. I know I've lost control and need to stop worrying about him and be strong for my kids. I just feel so lost and helpless and I wanted him so bad to go to detox and get help and be an amazing husband and father. I am aware of what I should be doing and what I'm doing wrong but it's still so hard when you still love someone. And yes I will be seeing a therapist next week because I know I have a lot of problems of my own dealing with this. I'm playing off that I'm strong for my kids and I have an amazing support system with my family and friends so my kids are safe and are happy so know that. I just am having trouble seeing how I'm going to move on from him. I love him and want to save him but know I can't. Just need some advice from others who have gone through this...please help
My husband and I have been together for 5 years and almost married for two. we have two small children together...3 years and two months. I knew when I met him that he had a past history of addiction. He told me his drugs of choice were Percocet, OxyContin, cocaine and alcohol. Throughout our relationship there were many times that he just seemed off. I would ask if he was on something and it just turned into a blow out. He always convinced me otherwise and I would believe him even though my gut told me different. So I would continue on my way with an internal battle every day of "is he telling me the truth", "am I the crazy one", "he's got to be sober because he's holding down a job" etc. It was a constant battle in my head. I found suboxone wrappers two years ago, he denied they were his. I found another wrapper 8 months ago and he confessed he takes it to alleviate pains but that it's a non opiate pain reliever and non addictive. I'm a nurse and I had never heard of it. So I researched it and ignored all the info about it being addictive and told myself well at least he can alleviate his pains with something that's a "safer alternative". I know...so naive and so enabling. So he tells me he needs to taper off of the suboxone so I set him up with a psychiatrist who starts prescribing the suboxone as well as other meds to help him detox off of it. I start seeing new medication bottles in the cabinet...cymbalata, clonidine (to help w blood pressure as he detoxes), lyrica, restoril (for sleep). It just seemed like he was relying on pills and I even saw at one point that he was taking more cymbalta then prescribed. When I questioned that all of a sudden all of the pills were gone. When I asked he said oh I'm keeping them in my truck so I remember to take them when I'm at work. Then one evening he was supposedly on his way home from work and never came home. I called him constantly and he never picked up. I called the police and did a missing persons report. It was so unlike him...he always came home and we spoke throughout the day as if everything was "normal". So the police found him right away and he was down the street at a hotel. Before we met he had occasional binges he told me where he would lock himself in a hotel. Here I was sitting at home with our three year old and 4 week old thinking my husband was dead and he was out using. Is this really happening? So I left the house that night w my kids and moved into my parents. I couldn't subject them to him coming home the next morning in god knows what condition and then have them hear the screaming and yelling that I know he would do because he has a temper especially when I would accuse him of using. So here I am two months later, still at my parents. The week I left I was able to have him agree to meeting me at a rehab. We sat down with counsellors who told him he needed detox and then rehab. He denied he had a problem and said he couldn't give up work for five days of detox. I have been so strong telling him detox or we are done. I have found out through our insurance the night he went missing that he filled a new script the psychiatrist gave him for adderall (which he had been known to abuse in the past) and suboxone. I know he went on a binge that night w these meds and who knows what else. So his problem is clear and it's clear to me he has relapsed or maybe never been clean all along. I kick myself for getting him in contact with this psychiatrist who has been his source for more pills to abuse. I know too that I have been his stable enabler and helping enable his addiction. I reached out to his mom who also has been enabling him for 15 plus years and covering for him with our finances by paying some of our bills and not telling me. Yes he handles the finances and keeps me in the dark. She has been disgusting about things and taking his side and making me feel that I'm the bad person for keeping the kids from him. Which I have been open to him seeing...I'm only allowing him to see them at my parents supervised until he can submit to a clean hair test which he has been refusing this far. I just need some advice...I have been so strong but up until yesterday he has been texting me everyday and it's usually mean and nasty things and threats to kill himself if I don't come back home and live w him. I have gotten so sick inside myself that I was happy to still be hearing from him even if it was nasty and hurtful texts. But at least I knew he was ok. He has shut his phone off the last two days and cut off contact. I have my neighbor watching out for him by telling me when he's home just so I know he's alive. He normally works but has been home last two days so I'm deeply concerned. I know I am being such a co dependent and I need to walk away and let him be the person he wants to be and there's nothing more I can do. I know I've lost control and need to stop worrying about him and be strong for my kids. I just feel so lost and helpless and I wanted him so bad to go to detox and get help and be an amazing husband and father. I am aware of what I should be doing and what I'm doing wrong but it's still so hard when you still love someone. And yes I will be seeing a therapist next week because I know I have a lot of problems of my own dealing with this. I'm playing off that I'm strong for my kids and I have an amazing support system with my family and friends so my kids are safe and are happy so know that. I just am having trouble seeing how I'm going to move on from him. I love him and want to save him but know I can't. Just need some advice from others who have gone through this...please help
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
So I left the house that night w my kids and moved into my parents. I couldn't subject them to him coming home the next morning in god knows what condition and then have them hear the screaming and yelling that I know he would do because he has a temper especially when I would accuse him of using. So here I am two months later, still at my parents. The week I left I was able to have him agree to meeting me at a rehab. We sat down with counsellors who told him he needed detox and then rehab. He denied he had a problem and said he couldn't give up work for five days of detox.
What I didn't see then, but I see now in your words is that you are on a good (albeit painful) path of keeping yourself and your child safe...while he is no where near ready to stop. It is a sad way to live for both of you.
The thing is, away from him your pain will lesson over time, you will begin to reclaim your life again and your children will begin to feel the love of living in a home without chaos. To remain with him or go back will only continue the pain over time and do permanent damage to your children.
My prayers go out for all of you. I am glad you have family support and hope you can find a better life for you and your children.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I know for me the longer I put all my energy into him the longer my hurt, pain and panic lasted. I left because his drug abuse had reached a high I’ve never witnessed before and will never witness again. He was out of his mind, it was scary and so very sad.
I have to admit I was obsessed with his wellbeing, I had his cell phone password so I could check his account to make sure he was (still alive). I was in touch with his neighbors, etc. All of those things fueled by anxiety and just kept me sick. On one hand I was so proud of myself for leaving but really all I did was leave physically, I was still very much emotionally involved which kept me attached in suck a un-healthy way.
I think for the first few months I kept hoping he’d go get help but as each month passed I clearly saw that was not going to happen. I was in this holding pattern place that didn’t make me feel good about myself. So I jumped back into my own recovery, started going to meetings and talking with people who understood where I was stuck at. Acceptance is so very hard yet so important for our own wellbeing.
From my own experience I would suggest you stop keeping tabs on him through the neighbor because friend or not it’s not fair or healthy to drag others into the vortex with you. I would go see an attorney as soon as possible and inquire about a legal separation and protect your assets as well as protect your children by having an iron clad custodian and visitation agreement on hand.
I have to admit I was obsessed with his wellbeing, I had his cell phone password so I could check his account to make sure he was (still alive). I was in touch with his neighbors, etc. All of those things fueled by anxiety and just kept me sick. On one hand I was so proud of myself for leaving but really all I did was leave physically, I was still very much emotionally involved which kept me attached in suck a un-healthy way.
I think for the first few months I kept hoping he’d go get help but as each month passed I clearly saw that was not going to happen. I was in this holding pattern place that didn’t make me feel good about myself. So I jumped back into my own recovery, started going to meetings and talking with people who understood where I was stuck at. Acceptance is so very hard yet so important for our own wellbeing.
From my own experience I would suggest you stop keeping tabs on him through the neighbor because friend or not it’s not fair or healthy to drag others into the vortex with you. I would go see an attorney as soon as possible and inquire about a legal separation and protect your assets as well as protect your children by having an iron clad custodian and visitation agreement on hand.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by atalose 
I know for me the longer I put all my energy into him the longer my hurt, pain and panic lasted. I left because his drug abuse had reached a high I’ve never witnessed before and will never witness again. He was out of his mind, it was scary and so very sad.
I have to admit I was obsessed with his wellbeing, I had his cell phone password so I could check his account to make sure he was (still alive). I was in touch with his neighbors, etc. All of those things fueled by anxiety and just kept me sick. On one hand I was so proud of myself for leaving but really all I did was leave physically, I was still very much emotionally involved which kept me attached in suck a un-healthy way.
I think for the first few months I kept hoping he’d go get help but as each month passed I clearly saw that was not going to happen. I was in this holding pattern place that didn’t make me feel good about myself. So I jumped back into my own recovery, started going to meetings and talking with people who understood where I was stuck at. Acceptance is so very hard yet so important for our own wellbeing.
From my own experience I would suggest you stop keeping tabs on him through the neighbor because friend or not it’s not fair or healthy to drag others into the vortex with you. I would go see an attorney as soon as possible and inquire about a legal separation and protect your assets as well as protect your children by having an iron clad custodian and visitation agreement on hand.
I have to admit I was obsessed with his wellbeing, I had his cell phone password so I could check his account to make sure he was (still alive). I was in touch with his neighbors, etc. All of those things fueled by anxiety and just kept me sick. On one hand I was so proud of myself for leaving but really all I did was leave physically, I was still very much emotionally involved which kept me attached in suck a un-healthy way.
I think for the first few months I kept hoping he’d go get help but as each month passed I clearly saw that was not going to happen. I was in this holding pattern place that didn’t make me feel good about myself. So I jumped back into my own recovery, started going to meetings and talking with people who understood where I was stuck at. Acceptance is so very hard yet so important for our own wellbeing.
From my own experience I would suggest you stop keeping tabs on him through the neighbor because friend or not it’s not fair or healthy to drag others into the vortex with you. I would go see an attorney as soon as possible and inquire about a legal separation and protect your assets as well as protect your children by having an iron clad custodian and visitation agreement on hand.
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Location: Western US
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Hi Sunshine, if the army you have is supporting you taking care of the kids and yourself that is absolutely fabulous. And the more you utilize them for this the better. Every effort, conversation and thought that is about him is a waste of effort, conversation and thought that could be used to help yourself and the children.
You have probably heard the "You didn't cause it; you can't control it; and you can't cure it" quote. Any control you think you have over him is a complete illusion and part of codependency. However internalizing and acting on these truths is super difficult, painful and takes time.
Can you think of a teeny tiny step to take towards protecting yourself and planing for a future? And I mean tiny: instead of making a phone call, I will just find the number and consider that a step.
This is REALLY painful stuff here. May every angel everywhere dive bomb your entire family!!!
You have probably heard the "You didn't cause it; you can't control it; and you can't cure it" quote. Any control you think you have over him is a complete illusion and part of codependency. However internalizing and acting on these truths is super difficult, painful and takes time.
Can you think of a teeny tiny step to take towards protecting yourself and planing for a future? And I mean tiny: instead of making a phone call, I will just find the number and consider that a step.
This is REALLY painful stuff here. May every angel everywhere dive bomb your entire family!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Hi Sunshine, if the army you have is supporting you taking care of the kids and yourself that is absolutely fabulous. And the more you utilize them for this the better. Every effort, conversation and thought that is about him is a waste of effort, conversation and thought that could be used to help yourself and the children.
You have probably heard the "You didn't cause it; you can't control it; and you can't cure it" quote. Any control you think you have over him is a complete illusion and part of codependency. However internalizing and acting on these truths is super difficult, painful and takes time.
Can you think of a teeny tiny step to take towards protecting yourself and planing for a future? And I mean tiny: instead of making a phone call, I will just find the number and consider that a step.
This is REALLY painful stuff here. May every angel everywhere dive bomb your entire family!!!
You have probably heard the "You didn't cause it; you can't control it; and you can't cure it" quote. Any control you think you have over him is a complete illusion and part of codependency. However internalizing and acting on these truths is super difficult, painful and takes time.
Can you think of a teeny tiny step to take towards protecting yourself and planing for a future? And I mean tiny: instead of making a phone call, I will just find the number and consider that a step.
This is REALLY painful stuff here. May every angel everywhere dive bomb your entire family!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I couldn’t agree more, this is very painful stuff. I once saw a quote that read "To love an addict is to run out of tears".
I also agree with the army you’ve put together should be used to truly help you and kids and not do recon missions of the addict. I do think that all of that kind of spying behavior is an illusion of control of some sort, a way for us to hold on to them, maybe even run in and attempt to save them. But it's hard saving someone from themselves.
Nothing at all ever says that once you leave you can’t come back. Who knows what will happen once you take the next right step. For all you know you will come to a place of NOT accepting addiction in your life or the life of your children ever again. And who knows maybe he will one day find recovery but that day is not today and probably not tomorrow or next week so in the meantime instead of just waiting for something to happen – make something happen, something positive for you.
I also agree with the army you’ve put together should be used to truly help you and kids and not do recon missions of the addict. I do think that all of that kind of spying behavior is an illusion of control of some sort, a way for us to hold on to them, maybe even run in and attempt to save them. But it's hard saving someone from themselves.
Nothing at all ever says that once you leave you can’t come back. Who knows what will happen once you take the next right step. For all you know you will come to a place of NOT accepting addiction in your life or the life of your children ever again. And who knows maybe he will one day find recovery but that day is not today and probably not tomorrow or next week so in the meantime instead of just waiting for something to happen – make something happen, something positive for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by atalose
I couldn’t agree more, this is very painful stuff. I once saw a quote that read "To love an addict is to run out of tears".
I also agree with the army you’ve put together should be used to truly help you and kids and not do recon missions of the addict. I do think that all of that kind of spying behavior is an illusion of control of some sort, a way for us to hold on to them, maybe even run in and attempt to save them. But it's hard saving someone from themselves.
Nothing at all ever says that once you leave you can’t come back. Who knows what will happen once you take the next right step. For all you know you will come to a place of NOT accepting addiction in your life or the life of your children ever again. And who knows maybe he will one day find recovery but that day is not today and probably not tomorrow or next week so in the meantime instead of just waiting for something to happen – make something happen, something positive for you.
I also agree with the army you’ve put together should be used to truly help you and kids and not do recon missions of the addict. I do think that all of that kind of spying behavior is an illusion of control of some sort, a way for us to hold on to them, maybe even run in and attempt to save them. But it's hard saving someone from themselves.
Nothing at all ever says that once you leave you can’t come back. Who knows what will happen once you take the next right step. For all you know you will come to a place of NOT accepting addiction in your life or the life of your children ever again. And who knows maybe he will one day find recovery but that day is not today and probably not tomorrow or next week so in the meantime instead of just waiting for something to happen – make something happen, something positive for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Congrats on the decision Sunshine and no worries if you stumble with this; it can take a bit of trial and error.
I hope you are doing what you can to take care of yourself eat well and get a bit of exercise even if exercise is just a couple of rounds of playing "Getcha" with your kids.
Let us know how you are doing. We will support you as much as we can.
I hope you are doing what you can to take care of yourself eat well and get a bit of exercise even if exercise is just a couple of rounds of playing "Getcha" with your kids.
Let us know how you are doing. We will support you as much as we can.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Congrats on the decision Sunshine and no worries if you stumble with this; it can take a bit of trial and error.
I hope you are doing what you can to take care of yourself eat well and get a bit of exercise even if exercise is just a couple of rounds of playing "Getcha" with your kids.
Let us know how you are doing. We will support you as much as we can.
I hope you are doing what you can to take care of yourself eat well and get a bit of exercise even if exercise is just a couple of rounds of playing "Getcha" with your kids.
Let us know how you are doing. We will support you as much as we can.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
That’s a good conscience decision you made of keeping others out of it, it also stops the fuel on the fire burning inside of you by not hearing things about him from others.
When I attempted to STOP obsessing about him I came pretty darn close to understanding addiction a lot better and how it becomes all consuming.
Keep busy doing positive things for you and your children.
When I attempted to STOP obsessing about him I came pretty darn close to understanding addiction a lot better and how it becomes all consuming.
Keep busy doing positive things for you and your children.
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