Peaches04

I am so angry right now, so I thought I would vent. I've been working from home today (and yesterday) because my 5 yr old son is sick. My AH knows that he needed to be home to sit with my 5 yr old, so I could go pick up my daughter - or he could go pick up my daughter. So, I'm waiting - it's 5:15 and still - he's not here. So, I call him and he's at his cousins house helping him by putting a new door on for him. His cousin is about 1.5 hours away. My AH works and does work on the side with this guy - they are trying to start their own business...so, you can see where this goes - it's always his work. BullSh** - he's at his cousins drinking who knows how much beer. So, he said "honey, I have to work and put this door up" and I said "can't one of your contractors do it, so you can take care of your family responsibilities?" very calmly. And he's like "I have to be here"...so I said "bye" and he keeps going on and I said "bye". So anyway, I had to drag my poor sick son to go pick up my daughter. Now, it's 7:30 and surprise! he's not home yet. I'm so furious...my heart is about to come out of my chest... I'm so sick of this. I don't even know what to say when he gets here - I wanna say 'get your sh** and go away"...but, I'm afraid that may just be my anger. I wish I could find peace right now and stop this anger from exploding. God help me.

Auriana

Hi Peaches! I know you are reading Codependents No More...go take a look at Chapter 6 and being a reactionary. I completely validate your anger and understand how upset you must be....but, it's clearly not doing you any good. Let go, let God. Your husband disappointed you and you have every right to be angry - but imagine if you did something right now that made you feel better (one of the suggestions the author made was a trip to Florida...he he). Take care of yourself tonight. It's all about you. Stay encouraged.

splendra

.Peaches-

It is so hard tro accept that they cannot be depended on for most things. I understand your anger. It is good to acknowlewdge it rather than deny it. I am very glad you posted about it.....I hope that your vent is enough to bring you some peace. We know it is not going to do any good to get up in arms with your H over this.

"Let go and let God", seems to be the appropiate phrase here. I hope you can let go and be at peace. You deserve it.s to you.....

Peaches04

Thanks guys - I do feel better. I get soooo angry - like I said earlier, I just feel like I'm about to explode. It's 8:30 - still not home.. mf! sorry, I'm just really mad. Anyway, I am proud that despite it, I've had a really good night with my 2 little darlings. I think my major dilemma and why I get so angry, is that I feel like he has to do something really bad to justify my telling him to leave. I feel like he has to get a DUI, or do something terrible...so I can go "there! that's it!"...but, he never does anything major, it's just always these little BS things - so, if I say anything to him - he always has some excuse. Like I'm just so uneasy to get along with, or so hard on him. All I keep thinking is how much easier it would be to just not have him to count on and him just be gone. I'll try really really really hard to let go... Won't he think everything is fine then? Shouldn't I at least say something? God - I do not know what to do at times like this... I hate this! Thanks for listening!

Auriana

I'm learning that saying something doesn't make him realize ANYTHING. It starts a fight, I get upset....the vicious cycle of alcoholism. What's the point of me getting upset? Getting angry and letting your AH know you are mad... as Dr. Phill says (yes, I love that quote too): how's that working for you?

Peaches, I truly know how you feel - if you don't say anything, he won't know he did anything wrong. But the thing is - HE DOES KNOW (otherwise he would be home with you). Work on detaching and not obessessing about what your AH is doing, may do, will do.... As a practical matter - hang around SR if that makes you feel better, but don't wait up for your AH tonight. Put the focus on you and not your AH. If he comes home drunk and wakes you up, go sleep in the guest room - or make him sleep on the couch.

StandingStrong

OMG - you have crawled into my brain and are writing what you find in there!!!!!!!! This was the EXACT way that I lived for years with my AH!!!!!
But let me tell you something that I see in hindsite......it does not work the way we think it will. As you said yourself, "he always has some excuse" and so then we doubt if it was really as bad as we thought it was, maybe we exaggerated, etc. and so the cycle continues on. And everytime, no matter what the situation, it never gets validated as being "enough" to leave.

I used to work 3rd shift and had to be at work at 10pm. There were countless nights that I got to work late because AH never made it home in time for me to go to work so at the last minute, I was scrambling to find my parents or in-laws home so my kids could stay with them or having to call off of work.
As splendra said, it's so hard to realize that they just cannot be depended on - even when we feel it's something that is important. There's always an excuse, no matter what the situation is.

I guess I just wanted you to know that I do know how you feel and it's very normal for you to feel angry right now.

2Sunshine

Hi Peaches,

Glad you a feeling better, it helps to talk about it. I know that when I was in this delima that only way that I could settle myself was to make legitimate boundaries for my heart. I had to harness myself to stay within my own limits. It is a very hard thing to do...our anger and frustrations get the best of us when things are out of place. We just don't want to accept the unacceptables. WHen I was quiet my AH thought that everything was fine.....well, after sharing with him exactly how I felt and how I needed us to work on things and all those things made no difference to him, I had to become firm and sure about my life and my daughters life. When I did that, I was able to let go. Not letting him drop the ball in my lap, like it was all me causing the dysfunction, I made sure that he knew his part in it. It is a process and things get really rough. Give yourself time to think about you, who you are and what makes you balanced then maybe he just may not be able to send you into those angry places.

You are doing well. Take care.

Peaches04

I'm back...thank you so much you guys... I am so glad I found you all! I hear what you are saying - as hard as it is to sink into this head. I'm so glad to hear standingstrong that you can relate - It's just like what you said. I start to think "am I over-reacting, am I being unreasonable,..." All I know is I am so unhappy like this. I dunno...it's like you say, it's just one little thing after another and eventually you end up with a whole body full of resentment. I've managed to let that go, and this does help immensley talking it out. 2Sunshine, when you say you had to be firm and set the boundaries, can you give me an example. I'm so bad at this boundary thing. The only boundary I can come up with is "get the hell out of here!" and obviously, I haven't laid that one down yet. But, seriously - I don't understand how that works... any input would be most welcome. Thanks!

Peaches04

He just got home - 9:00. He came in and said "I am really sorry about just now getting home and..." and I put up my hand and very calmly said "save it". And he said "can I explain" and I said "would it matter? It's the same story, different night". And he said "I had a horrible day, my pool house isn't working blah, blah..." and I very calmly said "I'm sorry to hear that, but it's not my problem. And it's not L and M (our children's) problem." and he said "I know. But..." and I said "just save it...your actions speak volumes" and turned back around to finish typing. BUT, the good news is that I didn't lose my temper and I didn't react!!! Can you believe it! I can't... but, I can not lie..I am shaking as I type this. Always excuses!

kfa2004

Peaches04 - Good For You!!!

Peaches04

Hi kfa2004 - boy, am I glad I got on here last night and vented first. it turns out when he got home, he hadn't even been drinking (at least that I could tell). so, I'm glad I didn't just blow up like hurricane Ivan! haha! Anyway, I keep getting better at this patience and not reacting thing...but, gosh my heart can go from normal to beating out of my chest in a matter of seconds...that's one of the reasons I realized I was going crazy! I'm so glad for all of you and the help you give people like me Hopefully, I can give some back to someone else!