Just need to vent
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 66
Just need to vent
I know what everyone is going to say already, but I just want a little sympathy and to rant, because I got no one else to rant to. 
So A... BF? XBF? No idea... and I separated in March when he went on one of his patented benders while we were on vacation. You know the pick a stupid fight storm off, drink all night ones? My whatever he is has the patent. It became clear that the time he had been "sober" he hasn't been "sober." So I sent him back home to his family, in another state to where we lived together.
OK Fast forward a few months. He's sober, working steps, getting his finances in order, basically doing all the good stuff I wanted him to do when we were together. It's a little annoying, but you know, I do love him so I'm glad he is getting better slowly but surely. We have talked about me going out to visit in a few months when he has about 6 months under his belt, when everything is more clear for both of us. (I've been working on my codependency stuff too)...
So any who, my only request around this has been, I'd rather talk on the phone than text, he alwasy agrees, then never calls. (He has a wonky work schedule nights, and this is all true I have independent verification that he is indeed sober and working). But when we text he is super sweet. I'm about ready to just say, dude I'm done if you can't talk to me on the phone once in a while.
This totally hurts my feelings, it's like all the stuff he did where he put himself first all the time. I'm seriously only looking for an occasional phone call. Like once a week or so... Nothing to "get in the way"... So I'm annoyed.
That's it whole story. Kinda lame, but it's making me upset, and I know it shouldn't... but it is.
So A... BF? XBF? No idea... and I separated in March when he went on one of his patented benders while we were on vacation. You know the pick a stupid fight storm off, drink all night ones? My whatever he is has the patent.
It became clear that the time he had been "sober" he hasn't been "sober." So I sent him back home to his family, in another state to where we lived together. OK Fast forward a few months. He's sober, working steps, getting his finances in order, basically doing all the good stuff I wanted him to do when we were together. It's a little annoying, but you know, I do love him so I'm glad he is getting better slowly but surely. We have talked about me going out to visit in a few months when he has about 6 months under his belt, when everything is more clear for both of us. (I've been working on my codependency stuff too)...
So any who, my only request around this has been, I'd rather talk on the phone than text, he alwasy agrees, then never calls. (He has a wonky work schedule nights, and this is all true I have independent verification that he is indeed sober and working). But when we text he is super sweet. I'm about ready to just say, dude I'm done if you can't talk to me on the phone once in a while.
This totally hurts my feelings, it's like all the stuff he did where he put himself first all the time. I'm seriously only looking for an occasional phone call. Like once a week or so... Nothing to "get in the way"... So I'm annoyed.
That's it whole story. Kinda lame, but it's making me upset, and I know it shouldn't... but it is.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Two possibilities here. Some people just don't like talking on the phone. If that's the case, then it might just be a quirk that annoys you but otherwise doesn't mean that much.
OTOH, he might not be doing as great as he'd like you to believe and is avoiding talking to you for that reason.
I guess time will tell. I'd sure want to spend some months in proximity (without living together) before moving back in together.
OTOH, he might not be doing as great as he'd like you to believe and is avoiding talking to you for that reason.
I guess time will tell. I'd sure want to spend some months in proximity (without living together) before moving back in together.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Personally, I hate the phone. Hate it. But if it was something that was really important to my husband, especially if we were in a rough patch, I'd call him.
Maybe he's thinking a half hour of deep dialogue and you're thinking five minutes of "Hi, I'm fine, how are you?" It might be worth clarifying what you both mean by "phone call"?
Maybe he's thinking a half hour of deep dialogue and you're thinking five minutes of "Hi, I'm fine, how are you?" It might be worth clarifying what you both mean by "phone call"?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Two possibilities here. Some people just don't like talking on the phone. If that's the case, then it might just be a quirk that annoys you but otherwise doesn't mean that much.
OTOH, he might not be doing as great as he'd like you to believe and is avoiding talking to you for that reason.
I guess time will tell. I'd sure want to spend some months in proximity (without living together) before moving back in together.
OTOH, he might not be doing as great as he'd like you to believe and is avoiding talking to you for that reason.
I guess time will tell. I'd sure want to spend some months in proximity (without living together) before moving back in together.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Both my BF and I hate the phone but if we haven't spoken to each other very much usually one of us reaches out and we call. We also don't text very much except to exchange quick greetings or to get information. But, maybe that's our age, too, because we're mid 40s and I am not as much into technology and texting.
Anyway, if your needs aren't being met, I would seriously consider talking to him about this 'break' and maybe letting him take the time for himself to get sober and stay sober. His priority is getting sober right now and getting back on his feet. I have seen it in recovery rooms so often that the codependent partner gets the shaft because the partner working on sobriety is very focused.
You have options: you could choose to date others and open your options up a bit just to expand your social life, etc while you wait to see if his sobriety sticks and if he's serious about you. You can talk to him about this and ask him what his thoughts are.
You could work on your recovery and learn to not take things too personally and then decide what your wants and needs are in this relationship and how important are they. If things stayed this way for another year, or 2 years, would this be OK for you?
There are other options, obviously, and I know how hard it is when we feel distance between ourselves and our partners. Sending you lots of support today!
Anyway, if your needs aren't being met, I would seriously consider talking to him about this 'break' and maybe letting him take the time for himself to get sober and stay sober. His priority is getting sober right now and getting back on his feet. I have seen it in recovery rooms so often that the codependent partner gets the shaft because the partner working on sobriety is very focused.
You have options: you could choose to date others and open your options up a bit just to expand your social life, etc while you wait to see if his sobriety sticks and if he's serious about you. You can talk to him about this and ask him what his thoughts are.
You could work on your recovery and learn to not take things too personally and then decide what your wants and needs are in this relationship and how important are they. If things stayed this way for another year, or 2 years, would this be OK for you?
There are other options, obviously, and I know how hard it is when we feel distance between ourselves and our partners. Sending you lots of support today!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Cavegirl.....this is early recovery period....about 6wks? This is a very difficult time for the alcoholic....just learning how to be alive, day to day, and learn how to function without alcohol to manage their feelings is about all that most can manage.....
And, EQUALLY difficult for the partner ,,a very under-reported fact...lol....
From my own experience, I would say that I t is really fortunate that the two of you have some distance during this time....
It is also useful to remember that if he is truly in recovery and diligently working his program and the Steps....he will not be the same person that you knew before...HE won't even be the same person to himself!
Now, it is my opinion that it is o.k. for you to let him know that voice communication, occasionally is very important to YOU....and....he will either make efforts or he won't....you can't control him...but, you ARE entitled to you own feelings about it....
It is almost universal advice to leave the early recovering alcoholic alone to deal with their stuff....in other words....detachment.....
We say detachment...because enmeshment doesn't work very well, at this stage......
His real self will slowly emerge (if he diligently works a program)...just as you will get a m ore clear picture of your self and what matters to you....
I think that if you choose to stay with "with him" during this period of time....you will just have to accept that he is a recovering? alcoholic and this is part of the picture.....the period of detachment so that both of you can work on yourselves.....
Time will tell...as it always does...lol....
As you go along....more will be revealed.
In other news---we are all different personalities and have different needs....
For example....I am very much a face-to-face and human voice communicator...therefore, knowing this about myself....in terms of a partner, those who are introverted, or inarticulate need not apply.....it doesn't work for me.....
In time, all things will be revealed....
dandylion
And, EQUALLY difficult for the partner ,,a very under-reported fact...lol....
From my own experience, I would say that I t is really fortunate that the two of you have some distance during this time....
It is also useful to remember that if he is truly in recovery and diligently working his program and the Steps....he will not be the same person that you knew before...HE won't even be the same person to himself!
Now, it is my opinion that it is o.k. for you to let him know that voice communication, occasionally is very important to YOU....and....he will either make efforts or he won't....you can't control him...but, you ARE entitled to you own feelings about it....
It is almost universal advice to leave the early recovering alcoholic alone to deal with their stuff....in other words....detachment.....
We say detachment...because enmeshment doesn't work very well, at this stage......
His real self will slowly emerge (if he diligently works a program)...just as you will get a m ore clear picture of your self and what matters to you....
I think that if you choose to stay with "with him" during this period of time....you will just have to accept that he is a recovering? alcoholic and this is part of the picture.....the period of detachment so that both of you can work on yourselves.....
Time will tell...as it always does...lol....
As you go along....more will be revealed.
In other news---we are all different personalities and have different needs....
For example....I am very much a face-to-face and human voice communicator...therefore, knowing this about myself....in terms of a partner, those who are introverted, or inarticulate need not apply.....it doesn't work for me.....
In time, all things will be revealed....
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 66
Thank you all for your posts. He texted again last night so I said, hey this is crazy I thought we were going to talk. So he made a "date" to FaceTime and talk then watch GoT together online. He works opposite hours than me, and is getting used to the schedule. He apologized for not being in touch. Honestly we are in touch to decide if we want to go forward during his early recovery.
I am giving him tons of space and doing my own thing. And doing 90% great. That sneaky 10% though.
I'm very thankful that we are separated by distance and even scheduling right now, it helps me not "check up" on him, which in my own recovery I'm learning isn't really any good for anyone. And it doesn't let us fall into old patterns... we are both on the same page that we do not want our "old life" back, but maybe a new one, one day.
It's hard because we both still love each other very much, he was an irresponsible drunk/occasional user, but not a mean one. Which did cause me tons of stress. Not minimizing it at all. It's nice to see the guy I fell in love with slowly emerging, we have talked better in the last two months than we had for at least a year. It's nice, but I'm being very careful with myself... and him.
I am giving him tons of space and doing my own thing. And doing 90% great. That sneaky 10% though.
I'm very thankful that we are separated by distance and even scheduling right now, it helps me not "check up" on him, which in my own recovery I'm learning isn't really any good for anyone. And it doesn't let us fall into old patterns... we are both on the same page that we do not want our "old life" back, but maybe a new one, one day.
It's hard because we both still love each other very much, he was an irresponsible drunk/occasional user, but not a mean one. Which did cause me tons of stress. Not minimizing it at all. It's nice to see the guy I fell in love with slowly emerging, we have talked better in the last two months than we had for at least a year. It's nice, but I'm being very careful with myself... and him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 66
Other thing is, I know he is super bored, since he is living at home without a car and his friends all moved away, so he might not have too much to talk about. And I know he is embarrassed about the situation and the circumstances that brought it about. But he and I have always been able to gab for hours about nothing.
I think I would go out on a date if asked by someone I liked. But I'm not into actively pursuing anything at this point, nor do I have anyone even slightly on the radar, it's all too new and fresh and confused, and no need to bring some other poor guy into my mess.
I will likely peace out if he bails on our "date night".
I think I would go out on a date if asked by someone I liked. But I'm not into actively pursuing anything at this point, nor do I have anyone even slightly on the radar, it's all too new and fresh and confused, and no need to bring some other poor guy into my mess.
I will likely peace out if he bails on our "date night".
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