New to recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 1
New to recovery
Hello,
I feel strange in this forum but do not know what to do. I am new at this and been sober for 17 days-I am having a hard time not thinking about drinking.
I have been going to meetings twice a day-I have several new friends and I feel I was put in a tough spot today after the meeting. One of the guys that I thought pretty much had it together with four years of sobriety and leads countless meetings basically told me after the meeting that "we needed to sleep together to be closer to our true values"- I replied I was here for recovery and he stated that" I would never be sober as long as I was not honest with my inner feelings."
This guy is married to my sponsor! I need a meeting but the only other is over 65 miles away-what would you do? Thanks Susan
I feel strange in this forum but do not know what to do. I am new at this and been sober for 17 days-I am having a hard time not thinking about drinking.
I have been going to meetings twice a day-I have several new friends and I feel I was put in a tough spot today after the meeting. One of the guys that I thought pretty much had it together with four years of sobriety and leads countless meetings basically told me after the meeting that "we needed to sleep together to be closer to our true values"- I replied I was here for recovery and he stated that" I would never be sober as long as I was not honest with my inner feelings."
This guy is married to my sponsor! I need a meeting but the only other is over 65 miles away-what would you do? Thanks Susan
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I'd tell your sponsor that you can't work with her anymore, and if she asks why, tell her. Find a new sponsor soon.
There is no other meeting in your area? That's a shame.
If it were me, I'd bring it up with one of the long-timers at that meeting. Tell them you need meetings to help your sobriety but don't feel comfortable now that this guy propositioned you.
He's a total jerk, I don't care how much sober time he has. What a creep.
There is no other meeting in your area? That's a shame.
If it were me, I'd bring it up with one of the long-timers at that meeting. Tell them you need meetings to help your sobriety but don't feel comfortable now that this guy propositioned you.
He's a total jerk, I don't care how much sober time he has. What a creep.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I am so sorry you had to be put through this. I'm a huge AA fan and your post has me seeing red. His actions are everything AA shouldn't be. He is a sick and twisted predator and has no place in AA.
First I would talk to your sponsor and tell her that you need to find a new sponsor because your husband wants to have sex with me and I don't need that drama in my life.
Second I would talk to the senior members of the group and tell them what happened. In the groups I belong to this type of behavior would not be tolerated for a second and would likely lead to the expulsion from the group of the individual.
See what their advice is before taking the next step
First I would talk to your sponsor and tell her that you need to find a new sponsor because your husband wants to have sex with me and I don't need that drama in my life.
Second I would talk to the senior members of the group and tell them what happened. In the groups I belong to this type of behavior would not be tolerated for a second and would likely lead to the expulsion from the group of the individual.
See what their advice is before taking the next step
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Pretty sad and creepy. Some people are ruthless.
He probably will deny he said that. You may want to set him up to get him caught red handed.
Not sure how, but w a little thought I could come up w something.
That way you might not have to find another meeting.
Just a thought.
He probably will deny he said that. You may want to set him up to get him caught red handed.
Not sure how, but w a little thought I could come up w something.
That way you might not have to find another meeting.
Just a thought.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
My first come back would be "pal, there's not enough booze in the world. And I wouldn't drink it anyway." It depends on how uncomfortable he makes you. I'd ignore him and not let some lowlife like that stop me from attending the meetings.
But, if his presence is going to inhibit you and keep you from getting anything out of the meetings then another option might be in order.
But, if his presence is going to inhibit you and keep you from getting anything out of the meetings then another option might be in order.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Wow that's one of the most blunt 13th steps I've ever seen. What a creep. Yikes. Find another meeting.
I wanted to add something. I would think very carefully about telling the sponsor. You are further injecting yourself into a toxic situation that could lead to a lot of stress. If I were In your shoes I would distance myself completely. Not make more drama for yourself than need be. Now if he's threatening you or making you fearful you file a police report and tell him you're doing so. That's just my two cents.
I wanted to add something. I would think very carefully about telling the sponsor. You are further injecting yourself into a toxic situation that could lead to a lot of stress. If I were In your shoes I would distance myself completely. Not make more drama for yourself than need be. Now if he's threatening you or making you fearful you file a police report and tell him you're doing so. That's just my two cents.
NA Member - Atheist
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
That's as bad as it gets. Not what the program is about at all. I'd call him out to the old timers in the area ASAP.
I am confused about one thing. If you are going to two meetings a day and he leads countless meetings then how is the only other meeting 65 miles away?
I am confused about one thing. If you are going to two meetings a day and he leads countless meetings then how is the only other meeting 65 miles away?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
If it were me... if I'd given him my number, i'd block him. And at meetings I'd stick with my sponsor and the other ladies. I might even make sure that i either arrive with another female, or close to when the meeting is starting so there is no reason or opportunity to be near him or having intimate discussion with him at any point.
13th stepping is always wrong and out of order. But the people in the rooms are not always angels. You will find the ones you can trust as time goes on. I try to remember that it is a case of progress not perfection for all of us there. Sounds like this guy might have started pretty low down. I've met plenty of guys like him, luckily in bars rather than the rooms. (It never stopped me going in the bars either).
When I joined AA I was told women stick with the women, and men stick with the men. This was told to me on my first, second, third, forth, and fifth meetings. The person who repeatedly told me that is an elderly gent. He's since showed up in some meetings where I now live and my sponsor asked how I knew him when he seemed pleased to see me, and knew my name. She said 'I'd suggest yiu stay away from HIM' but didn't divulge any more. I have always wondered since then if way back in his early recovery he did some 13th stepping, and now tries to make amends by warning women or the perils of trusting males in the rooms too readily, like some bizarre ghost of 13th stepping past. Or it could be my over active imagination I suppose.
Anyway. Principles over personalities. Stay away from Mister Sleaze, and seek out other women in the rooms. If you feel you need to change sponsor, then do so, but if this guy wouldn't have kept you out of a bar, please don't let him keep you out of AA. He's one sick man.
13th stepping is always wrong and out of order. But the people in the rooms are not always angels. You will find the ones you can trust as time goes on. I try to remember that it is a case of progress not perfection for all of us there. Sounds like this guy might have started pretty low down. I've met plenty of guys like him, luckily in bars rather than the rooms. (It never stopped me going in the bars either).
When I joined AA I was told women stick with the women, and men stick with the men. This was told to me on my first, second, third, forth, and fifth meetings. The person who repeatedly told me that is an elderly gent. He's since showed up in some meetings where I now live and my sponsor asked how I knew him when he seemed pleased to see me, and knew my name. She said 'I'd suggest yiu stay away from HIM' but didn't divulge any more. I have always wondered since then if way back in his early recovery he did some 13th stepping, and now tries to make amends by warning women or the perils of trusting males in the rooms too readily, like some bizarre ghost of 13th stepping past. Or it could be my over active imagination I suppose.
Anyway. Principles over personalities. Stay away from Mister Sleaze, and seek out other women in the rooms. If you feel you need to change sponsor, then do so, but if this guy wouldn't have kept you out of a bar, please don't let him keep you out of AA. He's one sick man.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 242
I read your post.
Maybe try one more meeting there ... if the guy approaches again, reply to him really really loud so others hear. "NO I'm not interested in sleeping with you!"
Also, I'd carry pepper spray just in case.
Oh and change sponsors asap.
I'm feisty this morning :-)
Maybe try one more meeting there ... if the guy approaches again, reply to him really really loud so others hear. "NO I'm not interested in sleeping with you!"
Also, I'd carry pepper spray just in case.
Oh and change sponsors asap.
I'm feisty this morning :-)
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