lovepenelope

I'm new to SR today, and struggling lately with a strong urge to leave my marriage. I'm angry that when my husband lapses every 18 months or so, I'm the one who thinks of what to do: individual therapy, marriage counseling, 12 step. He does these things but, due to his addictions and probably depression, has no drive to find them himself or stick with anything for very long. We're both frustrated and worn out about it. My next step is to start my own 12-step program, learn to let go, learn about my needs and what I'm contributing to my own life and this situation. I very much want to leave while I do this, but I know I'll learn more and be less likely to fall back into old patterns if I stay. It's just SO difficult -- painful to feel the anxiety and lack of control. Much of the relief I get when he's being uncaring and self-absorbed is the knowledge that I can leave any time (even though I never have). By removing that relief valve, I feel vulnerable and scared. I think that's a sign that it's the right thing to do -- to see what feelings are there when I'm not eyeing the exit. Would love any advice you all have about first steps in codependent recovery.

Bekindalways

Congrats for starting your own recovery!

Many in recovery for codependency do find that the right thing for them to do is to leave the relationship. I myself left my qualifier as soon as he got into meth. It was the right thing for me but may not be the right thing for you.

atalose

Probably why he continues to relapse over and over is because HE doesn't have the desire to truly quit. Sounds like he does just enough so that his world stays intact and he knows he can slip right back into his comfort zone which includes drinking.

That's really good you are taking care of yourself. It’s often recommended not make any major life decisions until you’ve given yourself at least a year of working on your recovery. But of course no one is telling you to stay in any situation that is hurtful or harmful to your well-being.

dandylion

lovepenelopy......please check your Private Messages....as I have sent you a private message....
You will se a flashing black light at the very top, right hand corner of your screen....just click on it....

dandylion

hope778

Wow, lovepenelope. I could've written your post myself. Word for word.