fgh55

Hello all,

All of this is very new to me so I am looking for support from people who have been in my shoes. I live in a isolated community in Canada's North so there are no support groups here for me to turn to.

My boyfriend of almost two years has a serious problem with drinking and drugs. Alcohol is his main substance of choice but he has also used cocaine frequently. We were together for 11 months and they were great for the most part. He did drink here and there but it seemed controllable at the time. However, the last 8-9 months were total hell. It went from him lying and sneaking out to drink, getting into fights while drunk, getting stabbed, cheating on me, being verbally, physically, and emotionally abuse towards me, and finally ended in him being arrested and put on conditions to attend treatment. He is now in treatment and has been for the past 2 months. He recently moved into extended care. He seems to be very remorseful for his actions while we were together, but I am still incredibly weary and anxious about everything. Although he is doing well and taking recovery seriously, I still don't know if I fully believe him.

After he was given conditions to go to treatment he left rather abruptly. Since then, I have been left in this small community, helping to care for his son, and with little to no support to understand this disease.

All I feel is anger and resentment towards him right now. I thought after a couple of months of not seeing him it would get better. But its getting worse. I am angry all the time, I wish I could punch him ( I wouldn't but that's how angry I feel). He is so persistent with me too he insists that he will make things right between us and that he wants a life with me and is committed to being sober for the rest of his life.

What are the chances that he can even do this? I hate to sound mean, but I am simply terrified to go through that crap again. I don't know how to make a decision about this. I feel so lost and alone. I love him but I feel like I hate him some days too. How can I even begin to consider being with him after all of the things I have found out?

How does a woman get over her guy cheating on her? I know he was wasted at the time, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I want to be sick just thinking about it. People keep telling me it was his addiction that made him do the things he did. But it doesn't help me to even think of it that way. I still feel so betrayed and humiliated. Maybe I need a better understanding of addiction. I don't know.

Where do I begin? How do I deal with all of this? How do I decide what to do next?

Yoga

Are you able to end it and move on?

Take care of yourself,you are important.

Kata

Hi fgh,

I'm sorry you are going through all this.

I completly understand the anger you feel, and I also understand how you feel alone in all this. Right now, he's in treatment and he has people to help him through the process of getting sober. But you don't. You are left with dealing with all of this by yourself. It can feel really lonely.

Before considering anything with him, before even entertaining the thought of analyzing if you can or get get over all he did to you, my advice would be to take care of yourself. Afterall, that's what going to treatment has been for him: takibg care of his sh!t.

IMO, you first need to deal with the anger. When I felt like destroy thing with a baseball bat because I was so angry, someone here suggested I should do just that! As I live in the city, it wasn't really practical, so I spent many hours destroying a punching bag instead.

But you live in the North. Take advantage of the open space our wonderful but cold country has to offer. Take a walk in the woods and yell at the trees. Do whatever you must (within what is legally acceptable of course) but get the anger out. Not for his benefit, not so you can think about the situation between you two, but for you. So you can think about yourself.

As for the cheating side of things, I am of the opinion that you don't get a free pass for cheating because you were drunk. If you can get it up, theb you must still be able of coherent thought. In any case, the question here is simple. Is cheating something that's a deal breaker for you or not? Had he been stone cold sober, would you have given him a chance?

My last advice is to listen to your gut. From what you wrote, I feel that your gut is saying no. Or, at the very least, your gut is telling you that you are in no way ready to make a decision right now.

He may be pressuring you to make a decision, he may want to make everything better, he may want a lot of things... But that's HIS problem, not yours!

What do you want? That's the only thing that matters.

Keep posting and most of all, keep reading the posts here. I promess you, once you start reading, you won't feel alone anymore.

AnvilheadII

you don't have to GET OVER anything.....you can say ENOUGH. not all the "bad" behaviors can or should be written off just BECAUSE they were under the influence.

abuse is abuse is abuse. and should never be given a pass.

i'm sorry you are not in an area with much support. if i understand you are in the NW Territories which is pretty remote! i am glad you have found us at SR.

fgh55

Thank you so much for responding. You are right I do need to take care of myself and deal with the anger. I am starting to run which helps somewhat but I do need to have more of an outlet.

In response to you, my gut is telling me no. It's telling me that I can't take anymore hurt and pain, I've had more than enough. Yet, I am still conflicted and maybe that's a result of my emotions, they are all over the place. I need to refocus on stabalizing myself and getting myself thinking more clearly.

In terms of the cheating, I would absolutely not consider forgiving it if he were sober while it happened. He says he only kissed this girl quickly, then snapped out of it and stopped it from going any further. But I don't know if I believe it. And this woman is a very untrustworthy source so I won't get the truth from her. I have to decide if I believe him or not, which again is leading to the anger and confusion. Regardless, even if it was a momentary kiss, he still cheated. But my gut is telling me that there might be more to the story despite his desperate attempts to have me believe him.

There has just been so much betrayal that I don't know how I could ever trust him again.

But my stupid heart feels broken and I feel like I've lost something that I once loved so much. I wanted a life with him, I am 33 years old, I want to settle down and have a family. I feel like he stole that from me. And now he wants it, now that he is seeing things more clearly, and I may not be able to give that to him anymore.

You are very right about me not being ready to make a decision right now. Right now my answer to him is no. But my heart feels broken and wants what he is telling me to be true. I feel bi-polar like one day I feel one way, the next I feel another. I am so unstable in my thinking right now.

I guess I just need time. I need my head to be cleared.

How did you ever get through this kind of thing? Will I ever know what I want? Or will I always be wondering if I made the right decision (whatever that decision is).

He's pushed so many of my boundaries that I feel like I don't even know what my boundaries are anymore. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore.

Bekindalways

Hi Fgh, you sound like a pretty wise and healthy person. Being angry is a healthy response to what you have been through. It is indeed a kind of hell.

Good for you for getting exercise and coming here to post. These are important steps towards healing.

I hope you are reading everything you can on codependency and being in a relationship with an addict. The stickies at the top of the forum are a good place to start.

I always like the idea of the "next right step". This means you don't have to figure it all out right now; it is okay to just do what comes next. Taking care of yourself is a great "next right step." Take absolutely all the time you need. You may decide you don't want to be in the relationship even if leaving is painful; you may decide you want to give it another shot. You don't need to know this right now.

Hang tough and let us know how you are doing.

alcoholics wife

Hello fellow Canadian!

Firstly you did the right first step of coming here. I'm sorry you are going through this and the best beginner steps is to gather as much info as you can about alcoholism/drug abuse as well as codependency. Also you need to come to an understanding that you can not change him, that even though he is in rehab it won't miraculously "cure" him of all his addictions and abusive behaviours. What you can do is change yourself. If you decide to stay with him then you need to find the closure within yourself to move on from his past abuse and cheating because starting arguments about bringing up the past, keeping tabs on him, suspecting him of being up to no good will only add more stress in the relationship and before you know it you will be 45 years old with a couple kids in the same awful situation.

Yoga

I'm a fellow Canadian too!

Be easy on yourself, you are trying to work through stuff that is very difficult to work through.

It is really important to listen to our gut, it has a lot to say.

redatlanta

No one here can tell you whether or not he will embrace recovery. If you look at statistics they will tell you he probably will relapse a couple of times before he gets sober. They will also tell you that more people don't get sober than do.

But, people do get sober.

My advice would be to move on from this until there is at a minimum 1 year of solid sobriety, that means any relapse would set the clock again. FYI alcoholism doesn't make someone "abusive" or a "cheater". Like most people, you want to blame the alcohol for his cheating incident. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, but it doesn't make someone behave in a moral manner different than what already exists inside them.

Recovery is a long hard road. Its tough on the person, its tough on the relationship. He has a long way to go to prove he is committed to sobriety - I would take it with a grain of salt as long as he is in treatment where he CAN"T drink. The proof is in how he handles himself and continued recovery AFTER he returns to the world of the living.

You have 3 months good compared to 8 -9 months really bad. Think on that for a minute. You aren't really invested time wise in this relationship, and most of it has been a bad experience. WHat's in this for YOU?

schnappi99

You might be able to take advantage of the many alanon and aa speaker recordings available online. They can easily be downloaded (for free) and put on a phone w/ earbuds while on a walk, or to play in a car while driving. No need to pay for streaming media, though many are available that way as well.

Al-anon is for family and friends of alcoholics, many find a lot of help there (I did & do)- if you're inclined to try, there are phone and online meetings though for my part I prefer the face-to-face.

honeypig

Hi, fgh, and welcome to SR. Between SR and Alanon, a lot has changed for the better in my life over the past few years. I hope you find the same help and support here as I have.

I'd have to say that I agree 100% with this:
According to your description, there was barely even enough time to get acquainted with each other before things turned bad. Yet you're going thru all this...This is not an accusation, just a suggestion to take a step back and carefully consider how enmeshed you have become in such a short time. Often, rushing into such an intense relationship so soon is a sign that codependency may be a problem. Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" might be some worthwhile reading material.

I don't know if you've had time to read thru the stickies at the top of the page, but there is a wealth of info there, too.

Regarding Alanon: Here is the link for worldwide meetings http://www.al-anon.org/find-a-meeting (look on the upper left side for online, email and telephone meeting links) and here is the link for Alberta/NW Territories specifically Are You Troubled by Someone's Drinking? Al-Anon or Alateen may be for you... - Alberta, NWT, SE British Columbia - Canada

If you are in too remote an area to have an Alanon meeting within a reasonable distance, you could try online, email and/or telephone meetings. Amazon has a lot of Alanon literature, often very inexpensive if bought used, that will be helpful in understanding the program. There are forums here for 12 step work too, altho they are not terribly active.

The focus belongs on you and what you want in a partner, much more so than what he might or might not do. One of the sayings you'll see here is "When someone shows you who he is, believe him." You'll also see advice to watch what someone does, not what he says, to see the truth of a matter. I find both of those to be really useful, not just when I was involved w/my A but in day-to-day dealings with life in general!

Glad you found your way here, fgh, and I hope you keep coming back to read and post. Everyone here understands and supports you as you try to see where your path leads.

Kata

Hi fgh,

If your gut is telling you no, then it’s telling you no. That’s a good first step! You say that you’re not able to make a decision now, or that right now, you answer to him is no. In a way, it’s a decision. I love what Beckindalways wrote about the “next right step”. You not being able to make a decision right now, or your answer being no for now, is exactly the next right step. You don’t have to make a final decision right now. You just don’t. Afterall, you don’t know what the future holds.

You say that you don’t know if you could ever trust him again. You say that your gut is telling you that there might be more to the story. Listen to your gut. I’m a pretty naïve and trusting person, I trust people easily and there needs to be a lot of betrayal before I stop trusting someone. But once it’s gone, well it’s gone baby! I won’t just “give it back to you”. You’ll have to work to gain it back. And by work, I mean that the person has to consistently act in a trustworthy manner… And for a long time.
I’m sure it feels like you heart is broken, because it probably is. The bi-polar feeling and the sense of loss are sadly a by-product of a broken heart. There is no miracle cure. It’s a grieving process and you have to go through it.
How did I ever get through this kind of thing? I’m still going through it on some level. Posting and reading here has been a huge help. It has cured me of my “terminal uniqueness”. It has shown me that my XABF wasn’t any different or anymore “special” than any other A. But in the end and at it’s core, it’s just like any other breakup or grieving process. OK, sometimes it feels like it’s a breakup on steroids, but it’s still a breakup.

Will you ever know what you want? Yes, yes you will. Will it be next week, next month or next year? I have no idea. But you will know.

Will you always be wondering if you made the right decision? I don’t think so. If you deal with the situation in an healthy manner, if you take care of yourself and listen to your gut, you will eventually come to a point where you feel at peace. However, to get there, you have to focus on yourself. Not on what he wants, not on what must be done to have a shot at a relationship with him, but on yourself.

You said that you’re 33 years old, that you want to settle down and have a family, that you feel he has stolen that from you. I understand how you feel. I’m 33 years old too. But is he really the man you want to have a family with, the father you want for your children? You have to base your answer on the man he is now. Not the man he can be, or the man you feel he could be.
But in the end, you know what? It’s really too early for all these questions. You said it yourself, you don’t know what your boundaries are anymore and you feel like you don’t even know who you are anymore. Before everything else, before contemplating any kind of relationship (with him or anyone else), you have to find yourself again.
Before I end that novella-length reply, I’d like to share with you something I realized recently. A month ago, I went to dinner with a close friend of mine. That evening had a special significance as it was the 1 year anniversary of her father’s death. Her father had been very sick, but he was out of the hospital and out of the woods. At that time, my friend was pregnant. However, 2 days before her dad died, she had her first ultrasound. That’s when they saw that the baby’s heart at stop beating. So they had to schedule a D&C. On the day of her D&C, while she was under anaesthesia, her dad had a heart attack and passed away at home. She lost her baby and her dad on the same day. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how hard this was on her. There are no words to describe the pain she was in. She had no idea how she would make it through, how she would live with that pain. She thought she would never feel joy again.

Do you know what I saw a month ago at dinner on the anniversary of her father’s death? I saw a beautiful, lively, full of joy and heavily pregnant woman! A year ago, she couldn’t imagine being so happy. She couldn’t imagine how to live without her dad. I mean, a year ago, she was in a very dark place. But she did the work. She took those firsts and hardest steps. She followed her gut, she confided in the people she trusted, she went to a support group.

Watching her work her way out of that has thought me that you have to believe that no matter what happens, if I work on myself, I will get to the right place for me. It might be the complete opposite of where I thought I would be, but I’ll be exactly where I need to be.
So yes, you want to settle down and have a family, and you feel he’s stolen that from you. But maybe, just maybe, if you take care of yourself and keep moving forward with your life, you’ll get there. It might now be how you imagined it, but who know, it might actually be even better. But it sure will be exactly where you need to be!

atalose

You had a nice relationship for 11 months before “all of him” appeared. When “all of him” appeared he wasn’t someone nice or loving, trusting or caring, basically you didn’t know that side of him. What was his history before you met him? People usually don’t just start using cocaine in their 30’s while having a great relationship and their life is going good, accept of course if they are an addict. It would appear that is the side of him he didn’t disclose to you until he showed it to you.

No one here can tell you what to do but as someone whose heart and future was broken by an addict my best advice to you would be to listen real hard to your your gut is telling you because the heart doesn’t always have your best interests in mind because it holds onto fantasy.

dandylion

fgh55.....I don't know all of your circumstances, of course.....but, I am wondering about your ability to take a different turn in your life....
something like....maybe moving and taking a job in or near a city, somewhere....
Taking a 2year sabbatical, somewhere....(like missionaries or volunteers do)....

for example....my sister once moved all the way across country (we live in the states) and took a job with the Bureau of Indian Affairs for 3yrs.....and got involved in some very much needed therapy for herself in New Mexico.....She mover back "home" after that.....

The reason that I am saying that is that the isolation makes it harder for you to get involved in face to face support and other opportunities that might really benefit you, at this point in your l ife.....
It is also easier to heal when you are at a distance from the s ource of your pain....

dandylion

fgh55

Thank you all so much for your replies.
Just to clarify for a couple of people, we were together 11 months before his addiction kicked in full throttle.

I know he has had struggles in the past with drinking and drugs but it seemed as if he was taking a turn for the better and making some big changes in his life. He has had a very rough and abusive upbringing here in this small town. He was abused in every way imaginable growing up and has been exposed to violence and excessive drinking since he was old enough to remember. Even now, his mother still drinks and was a big influence over him returning to the bottle. In addition to that, this town brought him so many triggers and bad influences. It seems he has no sober friends here except for me and maybe one or two others. But that's about it. I understand the underlying issues that he has. And I understand that he grew up around infidelity every which way he looked as well. I am not making any excuses for him, I am just trying to give you all some context. I also believe he has Borderline Personality Disorder which he is only just now beginning to understand and work on. He is 31 and has never faced any of his issues until now. So I know that him being there is a big step for him. Whether or not he stays sober, he is at least finally talking about the abuse and trauma. He is finally doing that.

I know that he made the choices that he made, drunk or not. And that is what I am facing right now. I know that I deserve better than all of this. And I agree with what some of you have stated, that it would take at least a solid year of sobriety for me to know if he is committed to this. I have thought about that too and I know that I would need some real solid proof before even considering him as a partner.

During the 11 months when things were good, he was the man I wanted to settle down with and have kids with. Which is what tears me apart a bit. It's like now, he is getting the help he needs and this is what I always wanted for him. And we are done. It seems very bitter sweet. But I also know that I need to stop thinking that way and need to refocus on myself. I need to find who I am and what I want. And I take all of your advise with open arms.

I think it's clear that I will never know what could happen with our relationship until he has been sober a long time. He needs to be selfish right now and face the issues from his childhood and that is what I hope for him. To be able to find better coping skills for the sake of him and his 8 year old son. And I need to be selfish too and focus on me.

I know that I am grieving and coming out of a period of high stress and anxiety. I was having panic attacks at one point but they seem to have stopped. I am finally sleeping better and feeling better in terms of my energy levels. I have thought about getting a job elsewhere but it would be very hard for me to leave this job right now. I love it and it is helping me to pay off some debts I have. I am looking though and if something worth my while were to come up, I would definitely apply.

I have gone into a few other forums and I read some posts from people who are struggling with their own drinking. Some people have described themselves as having a different personality when they drink, doing things they are totally ashamed of when they are sober. This is what my BF and his counselor have described to me as well. And I have seen him drunk a few times and he is totally out of it, like not even coherent. Anyway, my point in saying this is that I do believe to a certain extent that people's brain changes when they are under the influence. Again, I am not making excuses for his actions. But I don't think he is a bad person. I know the guy I fell in love with is very much there.

I also know that abuse is abuse, sober or not. He never hit me but he did come close, and he shoved me a few times. His words could be very harsh and his manipulative side did damage to my emotions. I feel like the abuse was more verbal and emotional. It's interesting how I was able to cope with it though because I could almost see it coming. I knew when he was going to drink. He was agitated and angry leading up to a binge. This is when he would be abusive. He always stayed away from me when he was drinking. But it was the before and after that I would feel the brunt of. He wasn't the type to drink every day. He could go a couple weeks without it. But when he did drink, he would end up ruining his life in many different ways. I think that is what kept me going with him through it all, the gaps in between kept me in the relationship.

Sorry for rambling on. I guess I just wanted you all to have a clearer picture of what it was all like. I think I need to set up some solid boundaries with him and tell him that I can't be talking about a future with us right now. I need to tell him that I don't have an answer and I don't know if I ever will. Everyone is right, I need to focus on myself. I need to stop thinking that I need to make a decision about this. I need to be easier on myself.

Thank you all for your input. Any other thoughts or comments are welcome.

alcoholics wife

That is great that he is getting some counselling. It seems as though he has come from a difficult and traumatic upbringing. Changing someone who is accustomed to 30 years of thinking, feeling, coping etc. doesn't happen overnight. He has to essentially relearn how to cope with the world and release his anxieties in a healthy way instead of what he's known all his life from friends and family (drinking, drugs, abuse, anger etc). You need to figure out if it is worth you waiting for a change that may or may not happen. Remember too that although an alcoholic/drug addict becomes sober from those substances, it's quite common for them to just become addicted to something else like gambling or sex. Overcoming Addiction is really a whole new way of thinking and breaking that pattern of thought processing. Imagine how difficult it is for you to break the anxious pattern of thought processing whenever you think about him cheating. Could you easily stop being anxious, flooded with high emotions whenever the topic of cheating comes up with your bf? How easy is it for you to bite your tongue, not give a dirty look and act calm when you are triggered by his infidelity? Now think about the same thought processing that goes on in his mind but just in a different context (alcohol abuse since childhood, trauma (not sure if it's sexual), drug abuse etc). He's got a lot of emotional burden that he needs to overcome.

I also do know that cocaine can certainly make people more hyper-sexual. Being in a state of drunkeness plus cocaine could certainly make a guy become very hyper-sexual. My ex was an alcoholic and used cocaine on pay-day weekends. I get it, I started to resent pay-day because that would mean him getting f*cked up. But he was going to do it anyways and I just got tired of policing him. It's his life and if that's the path he wants to take, I can either learn to take him for who he is or pursue a life that I want. It took me a while to finally reach my rock bottom of that relationship but once I dumped him, I felt free. It was no longer my responsibility what happens to him and his life, it's no longer my stress about our fights, I no longer have that anxious feeling of him disappointing me in a million ways he could. Now his problems are not mine. He can do whatever he wants, and I don't care.

Ap052183

Welcome!
You mention that you were together 11 months before his addiction really took over...very similar to my ex. It was at about 10 months when his fake identity started cracking. But if you really think back, you can probably see things you ignored or disregarded due to the powerful effect of all those love chemicals on your brain.
I'd really recommend reading some books on alcoholism, addiction, codependency, and emotional manipulation. Reading was incredibly therapeutic for me.

alcoholics wife

Very true. In hindsight I should have known the characteristics of my ex. I mean, I did meet him at a party where there was lots of booze flowing and he did pick me up on our first date with a beer in his hand while driving us to dinner where we enjoyed many cocktails. Yet I failed to ignore all those red flags because I was so infatuated. Our relationship picked up speed and momentum very quickly and before you knew it we were in love and spending everyday together (this in itself should have been a red flag but of course I didn't know anything about codependency then) . I had the illusion that we would someday end up married with that white picket fence, 2 kids and a dog but our relationship was far from that. His drinking and driving, partying etc. never stopped...in fact, addiction just gets progressively worse and cocaine abuse and gambling entered into the picture.

Yoga

Take some time to think this through and read EVERYTHING you can on Borderline Personality Disorder and also Alcoholism.

Even if he were to NEVER drink again in his life you still have Borderline to deal with which in itself is an absolute nightmare.

My thought when you mentioned Borderline PD was RUN away as fast as you can.

Shoving is abuse and it will only get worse. And that is another issue in itself.

redatlanta

I also second that you take a close look into Borderline Personality Disorder, the treatment, success of the treatment, and what life is like long term with a BDP.

BDP's are known to be chameleon like when knew in a relationship. They mimic the desires of the person they are dating although in reality they may not desire those things themselves. Separation anxiety and abandonment issues are huge with BDP; therefore, they cut an run many times dropping their significant other like a hot potato. Then they return, its all good for a bit, then they bail. Many a person involved wit a BDP has been left with their mouths on the ground unable to comprehend "what the hell happened"?

I am terribly sorry to hear your BF endured such trauma. Parents should be licensed or jailed....its horrible what many do. Treatment for BDP doesn't have a high success rate, and requires about 2 years of dedicated compliance. I recommend you read the book "walking on eggshells" to fully understand this disorder.

In the meantime your plan is a healthy one for you - step back and take care of you. He has a lot of work ahead of him. Any discussion about your future together is inappropriate at this time. You can still be supportive of him without being his official significant other.