jada1981

Now that I'm getting divorced, I'm trying to make more of an effort to be socially active with friends. When I was with my STBXAH, I guess it didn't bother me much to just be home all the time since I had my family, but now I realize it's good for me to get out and be more social.

However, I feel like I'm always the one asking friends if they want to do something. For instance, my two best friends from college are both still single and live together in the city (while I am in the suburbs.) We keep in contact and they have been there for me through everything with my STBXAH, but I do get frustrated because one of them is the type who can never commit to things ahead of time, which doesn't work for me when I have 2 children. I'll also see that she goes out and does stuff (via social media) and then I'll wonder why she didn't think to invite me? I know we're all busy, so maybe I shouldn't be thinking this way.

Anyways, is that an issue for me to always be the one to have to initiate hanging out with friends? I know I shouldn't be feeling pity and I probably just need to make more of an effort to expand my circle, but I guess it just feels a bit strange doing so at the age of 35 after all these years of not giving it much thought. Advice appreciated!

dandylion

jada....it does take a bit of time to establish new social roots....
I do applaud you for realizing the need to do so---rather than isolating, like a lot of people do..

I do know, from experience, that a person living in the suburbs with children has to live by much more of a structure than single folks living in the City.....
Most every location has Meet-Up Groups, these days. They can be found by google searches....
I suggest that you think about attending some of those that involve interests that you have....just for fun....And, I think that you will eventually find o thers that you meld with....
Just don't give up.....lol....

dandylion

hopeful4

I am usto being the one who has to initiate things w some of my friends. The reality is, they don't have the same committments as me. So, it's much easier for them to plan last minute things on the fly. I also know they don't invite me to those things b/c 9/10 times I could not go anyways, and they know that.

I found once I started organizing things, they took the initiative more. For myself, I found I like to plan things b/c I know my own schedule, and I can plan stuff I like LOL. I don't like to hang out in bars, and I have found that I can then plan other stuff, not in bars.

It takes time, and honestly, it may help to make a few new friends as well.

SparkleKitty

Try not to take it personally. I am sure through your marriage the dynamics and expectations of these friendships changed, and your relationships will need to find new footing. In the meantime, expanding a more local group of friends would probably be a big boon for you!

Kata

Hi Jada,

I understand what you are going through as I've been going through the same thing, albeit in a slightly different way, as I, like your friend, am living in the city and have no children.

However, all my friends except one are married (or in long time relationships) and have children and, apart for my one single and childless friend, they all live in the suburbs.

Here is a bit of my backstory: before my XABF, I had a 4 year relationship with a man you had a son. Since he lived in another city and shared custody of his son, it made sense that I be the one to move, which I did. At that point in my life, only two of my friends were living in the suburbs and had kids. By the time we separated and came back to my city, all of my friends except one had move to the suburbs, married and started having kids. I felt a bit disoriented and found it confusing that life wasn't what it used to be.

I understood that their lives were now different from mine. Also, being away for 4 years meant that I hadn't been in their "regular" life for a while. They didn't think to invite me to events or activities, has I hadn't taken part of them in the last 4 years.

It bothered me a bit at first, but then I realized that I had a choice : I could either be bothered and frustrated by the fact that my friends weren't the ones to initiate things, or I could reach out to them and initiate things with them. And that's what I did.

Sure, sometimes I wish that I could call them up on a Saturday night and go out to dinner with them as we use to do. I wish I didn't have to plan things with them in advance, or have them cancel because the whole family is sick, but it's part of life!

In your post you say that you wish your friend could commit ahead of time, and my situation is that I wish I didn't have to plan things with my friends a week ahead of time, it may seem like our situations are different, but they're really not: we both wish that reality was different.

So here is my advice, accept your reality and you're friends reality, reach out to them, be the one to extend the invitations and you'll see, with time, they will start inviting you in return!

In the mean time, I would also suggest trying to make new friends. If you can, try new activities that interest you. You'll get to do something fun, and you'll meet people. I've been taking dance classes since last September and have met nice people through that. Sure, they're not close friends, but I'm always looking forward to the days I have my dance classes because I know I'll see some friendly faces and have someone to chat with a bit.