Maybe he didn’t want it to be real

Old 05-16-2016, 05:54 AM
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Maybe he didn’t want it to be real

Why did he leave when he did? I keep going back to the book that he bought, “Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic”. He said that it would be too much work to “rewire my brain” (which is technically what I am doing). It has only been a couple months and I already feel LOADS better. I find that I have less anxiety; I am starting to love and validate myself, to not seek approval from outside of self. I am not self sustaining yet but I am really proud of the progress I have made so far, and that alone is huge! I hardly ever felt proud of myself in the past!

Why, when we had a practical manual for how to move forward, did he jump ship? The betrayal of that realization is cutting deep in my chest today. Did he really just grow that tired of me that it didn’t matter anymore? Was I not worth the extra work to him? It’s hard for me to make sense of because *I* was the one that had to do the work… and it circles back to the fact that all the issues within our relationship seemed to have been pinned on me… that *I* was the one with all the problems, that *I* was the reason we couldn’t work out, that *I* was the one holding us back from being this great couple.

It makes me sad to see and be living all these improvements in such a short amount of time and he made it seem like this impossible task, that all hope was lost. Maybe he didn’t want it to be real, because that’s what it was becoming, real.
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Old 05-16-2016, 06:37 AM
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In some ways, the unhealthy relationship probably worked for him or at least was comfortable in a miserable kind of way.
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Old 05-16-2016, 07:37 AM
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Yeah, I agree with BKA - sometimes, it scares one partner to see the other one getting better. When I started getting better, my xabfs emotional swings got way, way worse.

Sometimes people want to leave and want someone or something to blame it on. Either way - you are probably in a much better environment to do that life changing work on yourself. I know it is painful, but that can be a very good motivator sometimes. Take care (((Expanding)))
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Old 05-16-2016, 07:46 AM
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I would add, I am much happier when I don't try to read peoples' minds.

I mean, I get it. Breaking up is difficult and inevitably comes with these kinds of questions. I've broken up with people before and there are always questions that are unanswerable.

Give it time, lots of self-care. I had to get outside and walk with my headphones on when my mind started spinning in the early days.

((hug))
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Old 05-16-2016, 10:09 AM
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No one can know what is really going through someone's mind. You're doing better, so let it go. You'll never know, and it really doesn't matter now.
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Old 05-16-2016, 10:37 AM
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Expanding.......you will see the pattern over and over.....when one person starts to recover and the one isn't willing to work on themselves, also.....things go south.
As far as I can see from your writings..he was still drinking..not in a pr ogram...and, blamed you for just about everything...and, especially for pressuring him to quit drinking....

In a relationship....it is l ike being in a dance together...like an Argentine Tango.
When one person tries to change the steps of the dance....the song is over..
My guess is that he chaffed at the thought that he would have to do some changing....so, it would be easier to blame you (again) and, move over to another enabler.......

I understand that it is painful to face all of this after putting your self and energy into the relationship for 8yrs. After you have finished the grieving process....which will go on for a while before it fades out....you will feel normal in your own skin, again....

Short-term pain for the long term gain.

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Old 05-16-2016, 10:57 AM
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5 stages of Grief:

DENIAL
ANGER
BARGAINING
DEPRESSION
ACCEPTANCE

if i were to pick, i'd say your post reflects the BARGAINING stage.....with a dash of DENIAL.

which is all perfectly normal!!! allow yourself to feel these things, but don't start pitching a tent in any one phase.
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Old 05-16-2016, 11:36 AM
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This stuff really does spin your head around in the early days. Give yourself some time to digest it all and just observe without judging every moment, including the past. ((((Hugs))))

Originally Posted by Expanding View Post
Why, when we had a practical manual for how to move forward, did he jump ship?
Ouch. Is it really fair to expect a book to be the reason that he stays, or to expect it to act as a "manual" on how to be in a relationship with someone?

In reality, he's still actively drinking & doesn't see any issues with it, right? The opinion about rewiring your brain sounds like him shifting the blame for everything to you. It's far easier that way, far more acceptable to him if you are the one with allllll the damage, isn't it? It is, quite literally, the easy way out. Nothing more than that - it makes it so that he can walk away without addressing his issues at all.

I also agree with the others - you getting healthier would be a complete threat to his drinking/way of life.... it really can be THAT simple.


ETA - I haven't read this particular book, but I'm an ACoA as well. Is it this one, by Douglas & Deborah Bey?
http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Adult-C.../dp/1590771176
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Old 05-16-2016, 11:47 AM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
This stuff really does spin your head around in the early days. Give yourself some time to digest it all and just observe without judging every moment, including the past. ((((Hugs))))



Ouch. Is it really fair to expect a book to be the reason that he stays, or to expect it to act as a "manual" on how to be in a relationship with someone?

In reality, he's still actively drinking & doesn't see any issues with it, right? The opinion about rewiring your brain sounds like him shifting the blame for everything to you. It's far easier that way, far more acceptable to him if you are the one with allllll the damage, isn't it? It is, quite literally, the easy way out. Nothing more than that - it makes it so that he can walk away without addressing his issues at all.

I also agree with the others - you getting healthier would be a complete threat to his drinking/way of life.... it really can be THAT simple.


ETA - I haven't read this particular book, but I'm an ACoA as well. Is it this one, by Douglas & Deborah Bey?
http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Adult-C.../dp/1590771176
That's the book!

I probably AM overthinking it, as I usually do... and you guys are so right… reading people’s minds seems to be my favorite thing to do.

I couldn’t and WOULDN’T be where I am today if he hadn’t left.
I am going back and forth between all the stages and it’s so frustrating! I was feeling anger yesterday and I wake up depressed most mornings, but I am now able to pull myself back within an hour or two. I have accepted he has a drinking problem and that what I thought we had was nothing but a dream, but the dreamer in me is still going, “if only…” and starts to fantasize.

I think the denial will fully go away once I don’t have to live in that house anymore… I don’t think I could handle not having ANY denial while still there... I would go crazy!! Sometimes, when it sinks in who he really is I become terrified and feel like a sitting duck in that house. He has narcissistic tendencies and if there’s a chance he has full blown NPD I have no idea what he would be capable of doing and it frightens me.

He’s very big on respect (even though he gives none!) and one of the last times I saw him made a big show to let me know that he wouldn’t hesitate to put a bullet in anyone that crossed him or anyone he happened to be with at the moment (he carries). I have a feeling it was just for show, a part of his armor to protect his true self, but, isn’t not believing how stuff happens?
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Old 05-16-2016, 12:04 PM
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Expanding, it is so hard to keep yourself from wondering what was/is going through his head. I struggle with this still. However, what difference would it make to your situation to know what his method of thinking is? You would still be left in the same situation. Perhaps you think it would make you feel better to know why he did what he did, but then you find yourself in the position of relying on someone else to make you feel good/bad about yourself, which is what we need to avoid. I know it's painful, but sounds like things are much better for you without him in the picture and it will get easier. Hugs.
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Old 05-16-2016, 12:05 PM
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Overthinking it all is something I excel at, I totally understand!

It's a very difficult habit to break - I wasn't seeing how often I was acting on assumptions & mind reading. After RAH got sober & we've been able to talk about all of this, I was truly amazed to discover how much more mental work I was always doing..... in reality he didn't put a fraction of the thought & purposeful manipulation into his actions as I was giving him credit for. More often than not, the "reasons" were almost too simple.

That said - I'm not dealing with a narcissist. That changes things significantly IMO. You are absolutely right - you'll get better clarity with more distance/space once you are no longer sharing living space. Do you have a date for him leaving?

Thanks for the book recommendation - you might also get a lot out of "Perfect Daughters" by Robert Ackerman - it was written specifically about daughters of alcoholics & how we are affected differently depending on whether our qualifier was mom or dad & whether the addiction developed over our lifetimes or existing prior to our births. It really hit home for me in a big way.

Keep posting, Expanding - you're doing a great job talking this all through!
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Old 05-16-2016, 01:00 PM
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Why, when we had a practical manual for how to move forward, did he jump ship?
Real life is not following along to some manual. People are not like broken cars where you can get the manual out and replace the burnt out fuse or spark plug.

I think you have the idea that fixing alcoholism and relationships are easy – just follow the book. How about you – in reading Codependent No More are you following along and making all the healthy changes?

The longer you focus on his why’s the longer you remain attached to a dead and ended relationship.

Relationship endings are not easy, you spent a long time with him waiting for him to change. Now today I hope you realize that the only person you can change is yourself, and you’ll discover that is not easy.
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Old 05-16-2016, 03:31 PM
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Expanding, I'm so sorry that you're in pain. My ex filed for divorce (citing my drinking) and I immediately went to inpatient rehab hoping to save the relationship. He didn't stick around to see the amazing changes I've made in the last 7 months. Had he done so, it would have upset the status quo. See, when you were the "problem," your boyfriend could act any way he wanted. And because you felt guilty about drinking, you allowed it. You tolerated a lot more b.s. from him than you would now -- and he knows it. Your becoming well forces the mirror to turn around, and he doesn't want to look in it. There's a saying that "water seeks its own level." Your ex will continue to have unhealthy relationships because that's what he's comfortable with. You have grown and hopefully will demand more for yourself next time around. So while you are sad and you grieve, know that this is the right path.
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Old 05-16-2016, 03:50 PM
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It's not about you. It's about him.

He just didn't want to do the work that's all.


Originally Posted by Expanding View Post
Why did he leave when he did? I keep going back to the book that he bought, “Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic”. He said that it would be too much work to “rewire my brain” (which is technically what I am doing). It has only been a couple months and I already feel LOADS better. I find that I have less anxiety; I am starting to love and validate myself, to not seek approval from outside of self. I am not self sustaining yet but I am really proud of the progress I have made so far, and that alone is huge! I hardly ever felt proud of myself in the past!

Why, when we had a practical manual for how to move forward, did he jump ship? The betrayal of that realization is cutting deep in my chest today. Did he really just grow that tired of me that it didn’t matter anymore? Was I not worth the extra work to him? It’s hard for me to make sense of because *I* was the one that had to do the work… and it circles back to the fact that all the issues within our relationship seemed to have been pinned on me… that *I* was the one with all the problems, that *I* was the reason we couldn’t work out, that *I* was the one holding us back from being this great couple.

It makes me sad to see and be living all these improvements in such a short amount of time and he made it seem like this impossible task, that all hope was lost. Maybe he didn’t want it to be real, because that’s what it was becoming, real.
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Old 05-17-2016, 04:41 AM
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One of the hardest pills to swallow in dealing with my husband's relapse/alcoholism was admitting/accepting that I had problems too.

I remember when I joined here, and it was suggested that I go to Al Anon, I was offended. I DON"T HAVE A PROBLEM I AM NOT THE ALCOHOLIC. I did, and do have issues with codependency and enabling, controlling, and can be manipulative. It sounds like your BF was aware enough that you had issues being an ACOA, hence the book. Its a chicken or the egg question, did you become worn out with his drinking, or did he become worn out with your issues - just because someone is alcoholic doesn't mean their issues in a relationship don't exist or are "trumped" by their alcoholism.

Its seldom if ever that all the problems in a relationship can be pinned on one member - I am sure of that here as well. If you were at fault for everything that speaks loud and clear as to your Ex's drinking mentality, and I am leaning toward him not wanting to quit drinking most likely to be the reason why your relationship ended. As long as it was YOUR fault and YOU weren't doing anything about your issues guess what? He didn't have to do anything about his own. To compound it your interests in life changed.......at 8 years in I would imagine you were ready possibly to start a family and move on to another level in your relationship. Was he? I don't think so at all. He sounds like a college frat boy partying, surrounding himself with like minded friends. You sound like you were no longer interested in that lifestyle never mind that he is alcoholic.

Understand that this situation is common in relationships that don't involve addiction or alcoholism. You matured, he did not. You want to grow, he wants to stay the same. You want to work on your personal issues, he wants to continue to do what he's doing without working on his. It doesn't have anything to do with whether he loved you or your relationship was real. It was. Its not that he jumped ship - YOU jumped ship in deciding that status quo wasn't working for you anymore.

All a matter of perspective. Congrats on your journey!
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Old 05-17-2016, 04:56 AM
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Well-put, redatlanta. Very thoughtful response.
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Old 05-17-2016, 08:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Expanding View Post
That's the book!

I probably AM overthinking it, as I usually do... and you guys are so right… reading people’s minds seems to be my favorite thing to do.

I couldn’t and WOULDN’T be where I am today if he hadn’t left.
I am going back and forth between all the stages and it’s so frustrating! I was feeling anger yesterday and I wake up depressed most mornings, but I am now able to pull myself back within an hour or two. I have accepted he has a drinking problem and that what I thought we had was nothing but a dream, but the dreamer in me is still going, “if only…” and starts to fantasize.

I think the denial will fully go away once I don’t have to live in that house anymore… I don’t think I could handle not having ANY denial while still there... I would go crazy!! Sometimes, when it sinks in who he really is I become terrified and feel like a sitting duck in that house. He has narcissistic tendencies and if there’s a chance he has full blown NPD I have no idea what he would be capable of doing and it frightens me.

He’s very big on respect (even though he gives none!) and one of the last times I saw him made a big show to let me know that he wouldn’t hesitate to put a bullet in anyone that crossed him or anyone he happened to be with at the moment (he carries). I have a feeling it was just for show, a part of his armor to protect his true self, but, isn’t not believing how stuff happens?
Expanding it sounds like you are in the midst of some of the hardest and most useful kind of work that a person can do in this world.

You are probably cycling back and forth through the grief stages in no particular order- no fun. I remember the denial part being the only time I got some relief from the pain. Since then, I've had a deep respect for the human tendency of denial. It was the only way I survived that time.

Kudos to you Lady!
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Old 05-20-2016, 08:14 AM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post

Understand that this situation is common in relationships that don't involve addiction or alcoholism. You matured, he did not. You want to grow, he wants to stay the same. You want to work on your personal issues, he wants to continue to do what he's doing without working on his. It doesn't have anything to do with whether he loved you or your relationship was real. It was. Its not that he jumped ship - YOU jumped ship in deciding that status quo wasn't working for you anymore.

All a matter of perspective. Congrats on your journey!
Wow, thank you x1000000 for this
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