getright15

So I did the math since I got my last DUI which was Aug 11th 2015. I immediately checked myself into Intense Out Patient rehab. I was sober until New Years EvE. I was a complete dry drunk. So about 4 months of sobriety nonetheless. I hit it hard for a few days in January then I came back down to earth and got my sponsor and started working AA. We all know how it goes when life throws curveballs at you and things feel like they're working out then bam the sh*t hits the fan. Then it snowballs into bigger problems even without drinking. So I was from the 2nd week of January up until May 2nd. So lets call it just over 7 months total of being sober with some weeks mixed in when I wasnt.

After that long explanation my questions is why does everyone including my spouse, in law etc just focus on the negative? I mean I want to say its human nature, but really for those 7 months of me working the program, dealing with legal, issuesm kids, bills you know the crap we all go through why do I feel like the person whos still strung out and never attempted anything? It really baffles me and it's beyond frustrating to hear about "oh well we know your 3-4 month cycle of when you fall off the wagon" People are just waiting for me to fail? I don't make promises like oh Ill never do this again. I just try to show rather than talk, but jesus not even an ounce of credit. Just the failure is noticed.

So just curious about what you guys think?

SuperMario

Honestly... I think this is just human nature. Just like it takes years to truly build trust and a second to tear it down, the same goes for the good and bad in life - it takes approx 100 good actions per 1 bad action (I kid, but just barely). People find the negative much easier to remember, and often focus more on that. I don't think it's personal to know, although that said I understand how frustrating it is. I've often wondered the same thing and got pretty frustrated that people can't seem to remember the million good or amazing things I have done, but will happily harp on and on about the single negative thing.

Again, human nature I think.

awuh1

Judging only by your post, consider this. They had difficulties due to your drinking. They have seen you fall off the wagon more than once. They are probably fearful, or at least apprehensive about you doing it again.

Could they express this in a little more supportive way? Perhaps. Were they supportive in your previous attempt at sobriety? If they were supportive previously, did that keep you sober? If it didn't, can you blame them for trying something different?

Regarding their comment about your *“3-4 month cycle of falling off the wagon". Is it true? If it is not true then you should point that out. If it is true then they are making a factual statement (albeit perhaps emotionally). Perhaps your interpretation of this falling off the wagon comment ( i.e. they are “waiting for me to fail “ and that ” Just the failure is noticed”) are adding more negativity than is necessary. In which case the majority of the negativity might be coming from you.

I'm not saying this to be unsupportive, I just think you need to be realistic about the difficulties you have put them through. When you get a year, or perhaps a year and a half, they will begin to see that this could be the beginning of a real change. Before then, you really can't blame them for the pessimism.

You can request that they be more supportive, but you really can't expect that, at least not right now.

FormerWineGirl

One of your sentences stood out to me, "I don't make promises like I'll never do this again". For me personally, I had to make the decision that drinking was no longer an option - ever. That's when sobriety "stuck" for me. It sounds like you are leaving the door to drinking cracked. I think that once you demonstrate that you have broken the "3-4 month cycle", attitudes will change.

doggonecarl

When our failures are spectacular, they are going to stand out, no matter how many weeks or months, or even years we are sober. When we relapse, the fact is, we are still in the grips of our addictions. And that's what people see. Maybe we need to see it from their perspective...and put a halt to the failing; succeed with the recovery.

Hawkeye13

I l earned trust is earned, and that when you've caused harm to friends and family dealing with your drunken fallout, it doesn't just go away.

Especially if it is a cycle for you--

IvanMike

Look at it from an outside perspective.

You didn't have 7 months sober. People saw you stay sober for four months, and then start getting loaded again off and on. Based upon your post, they've seen this before.

When I got clean I was expecting a parade. At least a cake. Glad I didn't hold my breath.

While I was using I hurt people whose only crime was that they loved me. Everyone else got to experience damage, but the closer you were to me the worse that it was.

With some time, some stepwork, and some perspective, I have changed from expecting praise and forgiveness to being genuinely surprised and grateful when anyone from my past has anything to do with me.

Go read the 9th step and tell me where it says that the people you make amends to are supposed to forgive you or that you should expect that.

The biggest reward for staying clean and changing how I live is the fact that I like myself today. I can look in the mirror. The forgiveness of others and regaining their respect is simply a bonus when it happens.

Anna

I purposely didn't tell anyone at all when I finally decided to stop drinking.

I know that I was not strong enough to withstand negative comments.

Try to keep the focus on you and your recovery and allow people to see the change in you.

buk1000

I had similar reactions though as Carl pointed out my previous failures had been spectacular. Not to mention the fact that I had been in a bottle for several years running and certainly hadn't ever been congratulating these same people on their successes and positive attributes during that whole time. Once I put it in that kind of perspective I started to feel differently about it.

soberaccountant

It sounds like you've set yourself up for failure before, and possibly made promises in relation to your sobriety/moderation/whatever it may be to them that you have not kept.

Actions speak louder than words.

When I got my DUI back in February, I communicated to my friends and family that I am serious about changing my life and taking this one day at a time. Not once did I tell anyone that I am quitting drinking for good or set expectations that likely would have destined myself to fail. I don't know the whole story, but it sounds like you may have made these commitments that have set you up for failure, and now they are holding that against you.

It's human nature to focus on the negative sometimes, people really suck. Ultimately you're going to have to prove to them whatever it is you want to prove to them. You're going to have to be a man of your word, which means a man of action.

I am very fortunate that I have had an immense amount of support from my family and friends as I go through my DUI ordeal. It was my first, and it will certainly be my last and I am proving that to them everyday. I have been participating in AA, I am lucky to have a family friend who runs a sober living home that has been helping me to get through my court situation, I stay committed to a healthy lifestyle, and today I don't drink. I never promised anyone else or myself that I will never drink again, but that I will certainly never drink and drive again or put myself in a position to do so(take taxis, ubers, etc), that I will never use a depressant such as alcohol when I am feeling depressed(instead I work out or ride my bike), and that I will be more open about what is going on in my life and in my head.

You're going to have to prove yourself to the who mean a lot to you a reset expectations.

Today I don't drink, tomorrow I don't know--I am not focusing on tomorrow, just today. When we focus on today, one day at a time, we have greater success.

getright15

I'd have to answer yes to the cycle. It's obviously not a planned fall out. It's weird cause it feels like there is always some major drama at the time of me falling off the wagon. Some major crap. I know it's the worse way to deal with things as nothing gets better by drinking because things are going south.

getright15

Very true. I'm not looking for congrats or anything once I hit a milestone I'm just saying that just some type of acknowledgement since they can obviously see how hard this is. I don't expect a parade or anything just a simple...youre doing a good job will suffice. Maybe its just me I'm not sure, but reassurance is a great feeling. Not making excuses but just stating a facts...I guess I never really had that in my up bringing so its nice to hear every now and then these days if that makes sense.

AdelineRose

I try to look at it this way, how long have you been drinking out of your entire life? Then look at how long you have managed to find sobriety, and how long have you had true recovery where you weren't just a dry drunk? Chances are your family is looking at how long they have dealt with you drinking/trying to get sober vs. how long you actually have been sober. Those of us that are in recovery or are trying to find true recovery understand that a week feels like a huge accomplishment, a month is major, etc. etc. But to the rest of the world a week is a week, a month is just one month out of how many, etc.

We can't gauge our attitude and recovery on others. It is not their job to be our supporters, and we have shown them a lot of negative and unsuccessful attempts at sobriety and recovery. Only they know what it will take for them to start changing their attitude and that is their choice. In the meantime, continue doing anything and everything that it takes to find a lasting recovery. In time their support may follow, or maybe it won't..either way you need to do it for YOU. Maybe next time their is a big stresser and you stay sober they will acknowledge is, however, if they are not addicts or alcoholics then they have been doing that for their whole lives and they have just been waiting for you to get on the wagon like the rest of the world.

Not having support can truly hurt, but you can't let it break you.

getright15

That makes total sense. Everything you've said. I agree with 100%.

bluedog97

Thanks for this thread. It certainly applies to me as well. I've been feeling a little resentful at the lack of "attaboys" Ive been receiving as well from certain people where it would be especially meaningful. I think maybe we get so caught up in ourselves it's hard to see it from their perspective.

We find support where we can, usually from other alcoholics. Non-alcoholics are unlikely to understand and may simply see it as what we should have been doing all along. They may even hold a resentment. Recovery is difficult, and I'm realizing this sort of thing may be part of it.

leviathan

It's tough for some time give praise. It's tough for those who never faced our issues to understand the difficulty entailed. -in their minds, if drinking/useing is causing problems... "Well, just stop!" -in this vein of thought there's not alot to praise, your just doing what they do every day.

Also, some people are very uncomfortable speaking of addiction in any terms.

I worried about this for awhile. My spouse does give my praise and it does feel good. But, there are others in the family/freind circle that don't do it directly. After I was straight long enough for them to realize I was for real, I could feel the trust develop. I could see it in their eyes.

butcher70

For what it's worth I'm proud of everyone who has given up the bottle for even a day if it has become uncontrollable in there lives. My first three days were harder than the last two years of sobriety. And I mean that. It was above mentioned that people don't remember you for the positive only the negative...sad but true. I'm 35. I spent about one year of my life a downward speaking drunk and maybe six months before that riding the fine line before crossing into the alcoholic spiral that I let myself get caught in. I can understand how it's frustrating when you tell a norm drinker how you have been three days sober and they look at you like "who cares?" They have probably never been through the withdrawals and the cravings that are so strong they drive most back to the comfort of the bottle. Or had to deal with the extreme anxiety that follows for months till our brains get back to operating normal. The list goes on and on and that's just the detox part of the dance. I was a frequent flier at our local hospital...detox, anxiety, you name it from booze. Was sober around 8months and had to be admitted for a unrelated medical issue. One of the nurses who must have treated me when I was drinking stated she as shocked to see me for once not booze related and even told me she double checked my chart to see if she read it wrong. I just shut up cause I was too sick to get angry. One thing i tell myself that helps me is that everyone whether it be a drunk or a seemingly normal person is fighting there own deamon in some form or another. Ain't no saints left in this world. All we can do is fight our own fight and cheer on our fellow addicts trying to kick there's. Keep your head up! Oh and PS.... One the little things also that has kept me going is I have allot of sobs to prove wrong!

MythOfSisyphus

I think a big part is that they just can't understand, getright. People that haven't felt addiction usually can't wrap their minds around it.

Grungehead

This is where being part of a recovery support group is important IMO. Being part of a community that understands what it's like to get and stay sober are much more likely to give you the encouragement you need. "Normies" don't always understand that sometimes we need an attaboy for doing what comes natural for them.