Rosesem

Hi, I am not sure if this is the place to start on this forum. I am an adult daughter of alcohlics. I have been far away from my mom and dad who have been sober since I moved out. I do have some things I would like to bring up.

I have been thinking a lot about enabling. Is there a deatiled literature on this you would recommend?

NatashaRomanova

Hey there
Thats really good, about your parents being sober! I'm also new here. And I have the same question. I don't know whether certain things are enabling or if they're just good old normal help. I just take care of my SO when he is bad, either sick when drunk or when he is coming off a week long binge and has fever and pains so bad. I have purchased alcohol for him, and then the next time I caught myself and told him I wouldn't do it. But that seems like an obvious one.

I recently made the flip from seeing it as him choosing to hurt us because it's his fault he isn't seeking help, to seeing it a different way; he is suffering from an illness and he is too inside of it to truely acknowledge that he needs help.
Hoping he will see for what it is before its too late.

Enabling just makes thing worse, right? What qualifies as enabling? How do I avoid it, substitute it with another kind action that won't start a big confrontation?

teatreeoil007

Welcome to this site.

I have been working on overcoming co-dependency and enabling for a very long time....My co-dependency started in childhood and I first became aware of the need to not be an enabler in my early twenties. Since then, it's been a long journey, but when you come to terms with your own co-dependency there is a lot of room for growth and speaking for myself, it's an on-going process.

It's been my experience and observation that many, many people do not have full realization of when they are being an ENABLER. In many cases, they think all they are doing is 'helping' someone, but the truth is they are helping alright; they are helping the addict stay in active addiction and giving 'messages' to the addict that they don't really need to change. ( "What, you don't have a problem! You're fine..." )

Just as an addict needs to overcome denial, co-dependents do too....

This is a great place for support and sharing.

dandylion

Rosesem.....If you go to the list of "Stickies" at the top of the main page---above the threads.....You will see one called "Classic Readings"
Click on the Classic Reading .....and, you will find a reading called "There are many ways to enable an alcoholic".....
LOL....we have so many articles on this forum that constitute a virtual bootcamp on alcoholism and the people who love them......

dandylion

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome! "Enabling" usually takes the form of (a) doing something for someone that that person is capable of doing for him/herself (even things like finding an AA meeting or selecting a rehab--if someone truly wants to get sober, s/he should be putting their own skin in the game by taking those steps themselves), or (b) relieving them of the uncomfortable consequences of drinking (covering them with a blanket and giving them a pillow when they pass out on the floor; bailing them out of jail; giving them money for a lawyer after a DUI). Most alcoholics are not motivated to do the hard work of getting sober unless/until they are desperate enough to do the hard work involved in getting sober and staying that way. And that often involves SUBSTANTIAL discomfort and many losses.

Rosesem

Thanks for all the replies! It makes me feel more comfortable. I had the weirdest realization today, 8 years since my dad hit rock bottom. I always had good feelings looking back on that day- until today. That, I realized I may have been enabling him even during that, but not sure. Either way, now it feels all wrong.

8 years ago, my dad got drunk for the last time and snapped. My alcoholic mom had bounced the 100th check and he had it. It resulted in him physically abusing her while she was passed out from drinking. I was the only one at home. The police were called.
the police called me to tell me to go to the hospital an hour away at 1:00am to be with my mom and give a report. I had to babysit my mom until the nurses saw my mom was getting up to leave. She was still drunk. Then, they gave me coffee until the early morning so I can stay awake with mom. I felt like I would be in trouble if I did not.

The next day, my dad calls ME from jail to find him a lawyer. Could I say no? Nope. We got him a lawyer, bailed out of jail. Then, because my dad was staying at aunt's house he told me to stay by him sometimes because he didn't want to be alone. I was driving to university and work and aunt's house was really far.

Then, He told me I did not care about him unless I wrote the judge a letter saying he is good so he won't have to go to prison.

I didn't feel comfortable taking my mom to get her letter to get copied, so I said no. My aunt called screaming at me and my bro kept nagging me until I agreed.

So yeah,
I think this all have been enabling because I never liked to see my father even when he is sober. I feel like he's always asking me to do stuff that is not always reasonable because I never said no since he's the biggest enabler to boot. It's weird because since I moved out and have a family of my own, I really do not look forward to seeing him and now I know why. Things haven't changed except he stopped drinking.

Thanks again. I like reading this. I feel so alone sometimes and my reality is way off.

teatreeoil007

Thx for telling us a little more about your situation. Sounds pretty turbulent.

One thing to be encouraged on is that "NO." is a complete sentence. You are a grown individual and if there is something you don't want to do that feels wrong to you, you are entitled to refuse. They may not like it, but oh well, that's their problem.

You almost have to separate a portion of yourself from them in order to be able to have the courage to refuse things they ask/demand you to do...but you CAN come up with the courage to carry through on your convictions.

You've got a mind of your own...you've got your own convictions. Family members are hard to deal with when they don't accept that and especially when they do things to sabatoge ... (knowingly or unknowingly)

dandylion

Rosesem.....that must have been very hard for you to be caught up in the middle of the turmoil.....
Try not to beat up on yourself....you were doing the best that you knew how...in a hellish situation.

Have you heard of Adult Children of Alcoholics? You might want to look into it.....we also have a section..a forum, here on SR for Adult Children.....
In a support group like that, you will find understanding that goes beyond words....

Thanks for sharing more details of your situation....and, please keep posting...
You are not alone!

dandylion

LexieCat

Just to be clear, the incident of physical abuse that happened wasn't due to either party's alcoholism. I don't know what your dad's overall relationship with your mom is like, but the way he bullied and manipulated and controlled you--while he wasn't drinking, mind you--is indicative of an abusive personality.

If that dynamic is still going on, your mom might benefit from talking with a domestic violence advocate--there is a national DV hotline and local women's shelters have advocates on staff who can help. Even if he doesn't physically abuse her on a regular basis--and even if he hasn't done it since he quit drinking--there are many other kinds of abuse (economic, emotional, verbal, psychological).

I'm glad you're open to seeking help for yourself. Al-Anon or ACOA (with which I'm less familiar) can be great for sorting out and addressing the effects of living with someone else's drinking. The abuse is really a separate issue, even if they are sometimes related.

Rosesem

Reading this was kind of surprising, but not really. My dad is known that he would never hurt a fly (at least not physically). I trusted whatever time the judge had to dish out for this, and he had none.
Is my dad abusive in other aspects? Absolutely. Because I cannot discern it after being tangled with my mom's abuse, I couldn't see it clearly. And because I never could see it clearly, I don't know what steps are appropriate. I would love to blame all my mom's problems on my dad because I always felt sorry for her. She is also the scapegoat in the family. My brother and sister treat her very terribly and get away with it.

I tended to view their relationship as more toxic, but I would love my mom to be able to get out. I don't want to pressure her into doing something, though. Is this something I should talk to a social worker or therapist with my mom about?

The only reason I stopped saying no to my dad after I moved out was because my husband absolutely refused to give into my father's demands and made me tell him no. I cried sometimes because it was hard. He stopped his requests eventually. So, imagine that after saying no they do get it eventually!! But I did not get it until now...

NatashaRomanova

Thank you SO much for sending that info along! I am reading it now, it is so comforting to see I'm not some monster. I see a few similarities with the roles. I am amazing with the description of how they actors in the play learned these roles. I have had the feeling lately that I am being groomed and trained to be this way and act this way and do these things for him. I'm right on the cusp. I just need to find out how to stop this. Then step two will be to get the other people who are playing roles to also stop the merry-go-round.

This is so helpful!!

NatashaRomanova

Rosesem, I am amazed you have made it through so much. Such a fighter you must be.

I had an abusive father. And the thing is most of the time it's not physical. There was also physical. But once my mother got the divorce and moved us kids out, he stuck to non-physical 99% of the time. I think an abusive person will do what they can get away with. It might be a power struggle. At least that's always how I perceived what he was doing.

I recently read the Wikipedia entry for a rageaholic and found some parallels. One that I had never considered before was that Staring is used as a intimidation technique. So subtle. But in the right combination, it's all abuse.

Your story encourages me and inspires me.

I think it is really awesome you have gotten to the saying 'no'! Always remember you are responsible for you. You deserve to be safe, in all senses of the term, emotionally as well.

Rosesem

Thanks for the words of encouragement! If someone mentioned abuse to me 8+ years ago, I would not have believed them. Or that I was still suffering. This all came up like a volcano a few days ago because I am expecting and the dr. said a girl and got so distraught. Will she be like me??
And so the realizations began. I was thinking about friendships too. I keep meeting new people and almost like I am asking to be manipulated and treated badly. And I thought, why is that? I wonder if it is common amongst enablers or it is just me.
I am going to browse the sticky now some more. And lurk some.

LexieCat

All good reasons for you to work on your own recovery. Some wounds are like that--they feel OK for a while until something pokes them.

You can heal from this, but best to address it now that it's come up so you can start feeling comfortable in your own skin and modeling that for your daughter.

Bekindalways

Welcome Rose. I hope you find many answers here. It sounds like you have been through the mill with your family of origin.