newlyweds

Old 09-24-2004, 02:13 PM
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newlyweds

I"ve been married less than 2 months, and my husband seems to be drinking more and more. During our engagement, he drank a lot, but I wrote that off to the fact that we had a bunch of parties and showers. The honeymoon was a real eye opener because we stayed at one of those all-inclusive Mexican resorts and he would start drinking at 9:00 am when the bar opened at wouldn't quit until bed time! Again, I wrote that off as the fact that we were on vacation and things had been stressful up until the wedding, but the more he drank the less I wanted to. I don't think I had more than 3 drinks the whole week. I tried to get him to stop, but he would get mad and would refuse. He's not violent when he drinks or mean, he just gets goofy. Now that we're home, he'll have 2 or 3 beers when he gets home from work, then he'll have a Seagram's Seven with dinner and Jack and Coke before bed. I've tried to approach the topic with him before, but he gets mad. He might stop for a day or two, but that's it. I didn't live with him before marriage, so I don't know if he's always consumed this much, but I do know that he had a huge drinking problem in high school, college, and after. I had hoped he had grown out of it. His father has an alcohol problem (although not his biological father) so he sees nothing wrong with the amount that he drinks. I"m just really scared because I had this idealized image of how newlywed life would be, and it's not. I can't talk to my friends because I don't want anyone to know, and my parents were concerned about me marrying into his family anyway. My husband is the sweetest, most wonderful man and I need him to understand that he needs help. Any thoughts?
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Old 09-24-2004, 02:18 PM
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I answered your other post, but saw one other thing on here. Don't beat yourself up with other people 'knowing' and what other people think. What your husband does, is NO reflection on you. YOU are you - and anyone who can't know the difference, has a little soul searching to do themselves
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Old 09-24-2004, 05:09 PM
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You can't help him realize he needs help. He needs to realize this on his own and that may take years and years and years.

I would find an Al Anon meeting that addresses you. I feel bad for you, I really do. People don't outgrow drinking, they get much much worse most times. Please for Heavens Sake, don't have children just yet, that won't change things either and he won't become "different" because there are children.

Drinking from 9am til going to bed is not healthy nor is it normal irregardless of the circumstances and stress is never a reason to drink, although many many alcoholics do just that, or I should say that is their excuse for drinking.
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Old 09-24-2004, 05:42 PM
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Welcome to SR! I've been married to an alcoholic for 2 years. I didn't know he had a drinking problem before we got married either. I can completely relate to your situation. I stood in your shoes two years ago. It started with parties before our wedding and on our honeymoon...and I too thought nothing of it. It took me over a year to realize my AH had a problem (I thought it was depression causing the drinking...turns out, it was the drinking causing the depression....). Anyway, I wish I could go back and do it over again - I would still choose to marry my AH (he's also a wonderful man), but I would choose to handle his disease differently. The worse my AH's drinking got, the more I became a codependent (in case you're new to the lingo - it means I put my AH's feelings before me & over time I have forgot who I was..something I never thought could happen, but it did). I am now in a recovery of sorts myself - I am recovering from being a codependent. I've been reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and it has forever changed how I will relate to my AH. If you want my advice, I suggest reading up and learning as much as you can about alcoholism (the library has great books or go to open AA meetings), get support from somewhere (try alanon since it sounds like your friends and family may not be too supportive right now) and learn about being married to an alcoholic (I highly recommend Codependent No More and I have heard good things about a book called Marriage on the Rocks - love the title). Hang in there. It's a long road and if you should chose to stay the course, you will learn that only your husband can choose to stop drinking - you have to choose to take care of yourself and not enable your husband. Good luck and keep coming back to SR!
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Old 09-24-2004, 06:44 PM
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well said Auriania I don't think I could have said it better myself.
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Old 09-26-2004, 06:29 AM
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You can't get him to understand anything.

What you can do though is get yourself to some Alanon meetings and continue coming to this board so that you can learn what alcoholism is and figure out if you want to and can deal with it before if and when you decide to have kids with this man.

Alcoholism is not something you outgrow it is a progressive illness and the only one who can seek help for it is your husband and he has to think he has a problem first.

Take care of you.

Ngaire
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