Serious this time about quitting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 7
Serious this time about quitting
Hello everyone. I am new to this site although not to the idea of curtailing my drinking. I have been reading some of the entries and responses in this forum over the last couple of days and have been moved by the outpouring of genuine heartfelt support. I’d like to take a moment to honestly introduce myself and talk about my drinking in a way I never have before. This is a first for me. I have never been to a meeting or openly discussed my drinking with others who share the affliction. I have failed many times to quit drinking but I think I always knew that those attempts were half-hearted. I am hopeful that by sharing fully I can force it to sink in how real and dire my problem is and how essential it is that I do not fail this time.
I am a 40+ single man. I have been drinking heavily since my late teens. At first I drank purely for the joy of experimentation and pleasure and mostly with others. Sure, sometimes I drank for the relief it gave me from both emotional and physical pain but mostly it was just to change the way I felt. I was amazed at how quickly and easily it transformed me from feeling tired or ordinary or bored or unstimulated or all-around uncreative into someone a lot more intuitive, imaginative and entertaining. At how it seemed to completely remove barriers to understanding, both in myself and in matters of the world. At how it seemed to strip away obstacles to real raw-bone feeling. Drinking was something that I viewed as a way in to who I was. There was no doubt that I felt my more authentic, honest and likeable self was the self with a few drinks in it.
In my early twenties I got into a very major car accident. (It was not drinking-related and I was not the driver.) I was lucky to survive. I needed to learn to walk again from scratch and was in a lot of pain. At this time, for the first time, I drank for relief. Again I was amazed at how effective it was. Drinking stopped the pain and still remained an outlet for creativity and intuition. For the first time drinking started to impact my daytime hours. I showed up in public very hungover frequently but was excellent at disguising it and no one noticed. From that time forward I drank more or less every day, often in very high quantities. This is also the time I first truly discovered bourbon. Bourbon was like the magic alcohol. The best for the mind, the best for the body. It has been, by far, the most consistent thing in my life ever since.
Between then and age 30 I continued to explore who I was personally and professionally and had many setbacks. During this period the drinking also became a salve for personal disappointment and failure and overall anger with the world. This was also the period where I (unwittingly at the time) more or less created three separate and very distinct drinking profiles. With others I (for the most part) drank modestly and responsibly. I rarely got drunk in those situations or behaved inappropriately. With a few rare drinking friends (most of whom did not live where I did and I only saw on special, infrequent occasions) I continued to drink heavily. But these times were a lot of fun and I wouldn’t have traded them for anything. I also drank very heavily with the one serious girlfriend I had for a few years during this period, who also, perhaps because of me, became/was a serious drinker. I openly searched for additional local drinking companions I could trust and who got the same energetic and irreverent highs I did from drinking but they were nearly impossible to find. So instead, my drinking became primarily a solitary pursuit. I drank every day immediately upon getting home from work and often did not stop until I went to sleep. I continued to feel awful in the mornings and felt my overall health declining but did not make adjustments. It was during this period that drinking very excessively became absolutely normal.
Around 30 I understood my drinking was at least a minor problem but only saw it as a symptom of a much larger sense of emptiness, aimlessness and purposelessness in my life. I abruptly quit my job (immediately after receiving a major promotion) and devoted the bulk of my time to work as a volunteer for a nonprofit organization. When I was 31 my mother, who was still quite young, developed a fatal illness and wasted away, in terrible pain and without any dignity, very fast. The cruelty of the disease was shocking and it revitalized my sense of the fact that world was an unfair place with endless bad variables lurking, ceaselessly threatening to ruin even the not-so-great status quo. I spent the next two years feeling an acute sense of displacement and anger both personally and professionally, never feeling I was where I should be or doing what I should have been doing. During this period, drinking, for the first time, became almost entirely a way out of life, a way to not feel, to not engage with others or the world. It was my self-medication in a lonely world of horrors. I knew I was drinking too much and did not care. It was one of the few truly good and comforting things in an increasingly unpredictable and terrifying world.
After my mother passed away, I became a hard-boiled realist. I decided to accept that world as it was on its merits rather than continuing to search for the world I wanted. I built up a brand new life from scratch. In a relatively short period of time I built myself a brand new career and moved far up the ladder. I was extremely surprised at the speed of my ascent (I previously had zero “professional” ambition and had always lived hand-to-mouth) and it only encouraged my sense of unspiritual realism. I got little joy from the work and it often left me feeling creatively and emotionally stunted. I needed to behave in a very professional false way that more or less required I develop a fake personality. Drinking was the reward when I returned home, the tonic that helped strip away the false self and get me back in touch with the “real” one. Drinking was now the only consistent, reliable pleasure I had left in my life. The things other people liked just did not appeal to me and I felt increasingly strange and uncomfortable in most non-work social situations. The three drinking selves continued to grow stronger. I drank very little with those I did not know extremely well. I drank sometimes with great pleasure with those I did. And I drink more and more excessively by myself, openly counting hours until I could get home and have the first drink and take a deep, welcome breath of my own genuine air.
Over the next 8-10 years my body grew less and less tolerant of the damage I was doing to it. I had less and less energy to engage with others. My world became divided neatly in two – the sober professional caring easygoing humorous self I was with others in the workplace and then the depressed bewildered angry scared and withdrawn person I was alone. Over the last five years I have spent less and less time with others. I have stopped even trying to date. My life is divided into 4 cycles. I work. I drink (and now often eat) excessively. I try as hard as I can to sleep. I drink lots of coffee in the morning and count the hours until I can come home again. My career has flourished. Other than a few old friends (none of whom live within hours of where I do) no one could possibly guess I have a problem. Drinking has made me very good at keeping secrets. I truly have a double-life.
My father, with whom I had been extremely close, passed away unexpectedly about a year ago and that brought on a new cycle of drinking that for the first time truly scared me. I drank so much upon coming home from work I would often pass out within a few hours. Then wake up a few hours later and drink water until I went to to work in the morning, exhausted beyond belief. I have received many warning signs over this year. A cancer scare. Other various one-off health issues that are likely at least partially the result of my drinking. The failed or seriously declining health of others I know. In spite of all of this I have not stopped drinking more than a few days at a time. Once I get to 3 or 4 days and my mind is truly, completely sober, life becomes intolerable. The intense and serious vow on day one seems naïve on day 4. Even the shame does not have the capacity to stop me once that happens. If it was not so ordinary an occurrence I would be shocked by the acceptance of this shame. Sometimes I have a clear moment at the tail end of a particularly serious binge and just do not recognize how I could have lost this much control over my life. And how I can have so much control and self-restraint and self-will in the professional world and absolutely none on my own. I can act out any role to the letter but I still do not know how to be myself without several drinks in me or on the way.
Drinking has been my best friend for a long time and I have known for awhile now that I didn’t really want to give it up. But I know now that I can’t go on this way much longer or I am going to destroy myself, as well as any hope for a real life that includes other people and the possibility for happy variables to occur. It is amazing how cliché this all is; how cliché I have become that I can write this paragraph and mean it seriously.
Today my house is alcohol-free. I have put all my shot glasses in a box. I ordered 3 books on recovery. I have set up an Excel spreadsheet to track my daily alcohol consumption, level of craving and identify possible triggers. I have signed up for this site and written this letter. I want to believe I am serious about changing my life this time but just do not have it within me to really believe myself any more.
This self is genuine. What worries me is what happens when he disappears and the other self, the one overcome with despair and boredom and the need for escape reappears after a long stressful unrewarding day in the workplace. That self is powerful and has not yet proven he can be controlled.
I am going to do my best to be strong and also humble. To be consistent in my behavior. To try and create new healthy patterns that inspire hope and possibility instead of pessimism and indifference. To be a good person to other people wherever I can. To aggressively seek new avenues for hope. To become less reactive to disappointment. To trust others and in the future at least a little bit. To slowly, steadily, build a path to a new sober life.
Thank you for listening. I wish you all well in your own equally arduous journeys.
I am a 40+ single man. I have been drinking heavily since my late teens. At first I drank purely for the joy of experimentation and pleasure and mostly with others. Sure, sometimes I drank for the relief it gave me from both emotional and physical pain but mostly it was just to change the way I felt. I was amazed at how quickly and easily it transformed me from feeling tired or ordinary or bored or unstimulated or all-around uncreative into someone a lot more intuitive, imaginative and entertaining. At how it seemed to completely remove barriers to understanding, both in myself and in matters of the world. At how it seemed to strip away obstacles to real raw-bone feeling. Drinking was something that I viewed as a way in to who I was. There was no doubt that I felt my more authentic, honest and likeable self was the self with a few drinks in it.
In my early twenties I got into a very major car accident. (It was not drinking-related and I was not the driver.) I was lucky to survive. I needed to learn to walk again from scratch and was in a lot of pain. At this time, for the first time, I drank for relief. Again I was amazed at how effective it was. Drinking stopped the pain and still remained an outlet for creativity and intuition. For the first time drinking started to impact my daytime hours. I showed up in public very hungover frequently but was excellent at disguising it and no one noticed. From that time forward I drank more or less every day, often in very high quantities. This is also the time I first truly discovered bourbon. Bourbon was like the magic alcohol. The best for the mind, the best for the body. It has been, by far, the most consistent thing in my life ever since.
Between then and age 30 I continued to explore who I was personally and professionally and had many setbacks. During this period the drinking also became a salve for personal disappointment and failure and overall anger with the world. This was also the period where I (unwittingly at the time) more or less created three separate and very distinct drinking profiles. With others I (for the most part) drank modestly and responsibly. I rarely got drunk in those situations or behaved inappropriately. With a few rare drinking friends (most of whom did not live where I did and I only saw on special, infrequent occasions) I continued to drink heavily. But these times were a lot of fun and I wouldn’t have traded them for anything. I also drank very heavily with the one serious girlfriend I had for a few years during this period, who also, perhaps because of me, became/was a serious drinker. I openly searched for additional local drinking companions I could trust and who got the same energetic and irreverent highs I did from drinking but they were nearly impossible to find. So instead, my drinking became primarily a solitary pursuit. I drank every day immediately upon getting home from work and often did not stop until I went to sleep. I continued to feel awful in the mornings and felt my overall health declining but did not make adjustments. It was during this period that drinking very excessively became absolutely normal.
Around 30 I understood my drinking was at least a minor problem but only saw it as a symptom of a much larger sense of emptiness, aimlessness and purposelessness in my life. I abruptly quit my job (immediately after receiving a major promotion) and devoted the bulk of my time to work as a volunteer for a nonprofit organization. When I was 31 my mother, who was still quite young, developed a fatal illness and wasted away, in terrible pain and without any dignity, very fast. The cruelty of the disease was shocking and it revitalized my sense of the fact that world was an unfair place with endless bad variables lurking, ceaselessly threatening to ruin even the not-so-great status quo. I spent the next two years feeling an acute sense of displacement and anger both personally and professionally, never feeling I was where I should be or doing what I should have been doing. During this period, drinking, for the first time, became almost entirely a way out of life, a way to not feel, to not engage with others or the world. It was my self-medication in a lonely world of horrors. I knew I was drinking too much and did not care. It was one of the few truly good and comforting things in an increasingly unpredictable and terrifying world.
After my mother passed away, I became a hard-boiled realist. I decided to accept that world as it was on its merits rather than continuing to search for the world I wanted. I built up a brand new life from scratch. In a relatively short period of time I built myself a brand new career and moved far up the ladder. I was extremely surprised at the speed of my ascent (I previously had zero “professional” ambition and had always lived hand-to-mouth) and it only encouraged my sense of unspiritual realism. I got little joy from the work and it often left me feeling creatively and emotionally stunted. I needed to behave in a very professional false way that more or less required I develop a fake personality. Drinking was the reward when I returned home, the tonic that helped strip away the false self and get me back in touch with the “real” one. Drinking was now the only consistent, reliable pleasure I had left in my life. The things other people liked just did not appeal to me and I felt increasingly strange and uncomfortable in most non-work social situations. The three drinking selves continued to grow stronger. I drank very little with those I did not know extremely well. I drank sometimes with great pleasure with those I did. And I drink more and more excessively by myself, openly counting hours until I could get home and have the first drink and take a deep, welcome breath of my own genuine air.
Over the next 8-10 years my body grew less and less tolerant of the damage I was doing to it. I had less and less energy to engage with others. My world became divided neatly in two – the sober professional caring easygoing humorous self I was with others in the workplace and then the depressed bewildered angry scared and withdrawn person I was alone. Over the last five years I have spent less and less time with others. I have stopped even trying to date. My life is divided into 4 cycles. I work. I drink (and now often eat) excessively. I try as hard as I can to sleep. I drink lots of coffee in the morning and count the hours until I can come home again. My career has flourished. Other than a few old friends (none of whom live within hours of where I do) no one could possibly guess I have a problem. Drinking has made me very good at keeping secrets. I truly have a double-life.
My father, with whom I had been extremely close, passed away unexpectedly about a year ago and that brought on a new cycle of drinking that for the first time truly scared me. I drank so much upon coming home from work I would often pass out within a few hours. Then wake up a few hours later and drink water until I went to to work in the morning, exhausted beyond belief. I have received many warning signs over this year. A cancer scare. Other various one-off health issues that are likely at least partially the result of my drinking. The failed or seriously declining health of others I know. In spite of all of this I have not stopped drinking more than a few days at a time. Once I get to 3 or 4 days and my mind is truly, completely sober, life becomes intolerable. The intense and serious vow on day one seems naïve on day 4. Even the shame does not have the capacity to stop me once that happens. If it was not so ordinary an occurrence I would be shocked by the acceptance of this shame. Sometimes I have a clear moment at the tail end of a particularly serious binge and just do not recognize how I could have lost this much control over my life. And how I can have so much control and self-restraint and self-will in the professional world and absolutely none on my own. I can act out any role to the letter but I still do not know how to be myself without several drinks in me or on the way.
Drinking has been my best friend for a long time and I have known for awhile now that I didn’t really want to give it up. But I know now that I can’t go on this way much longer or I am going to destroy myself, as well as any hope for a real life that includes other people and the possibility for happy variables to occur. It is amazing how cliché this all is; how cliché I have become that I can write this paragraph and mean it seriously.
Today my house is alcohol-free. I have put all my shot glasses in a box. I ordered 3 books on recovery. I have set up an Excel spreadsheet to track my daily alcohol consumption, level of craving and identify possible triggers. I have signed up for this site and written this letter. I want to believe I am serious about changing my life this time but just do not have it within me to really believe myself any more.
This self is genuine. What worries me is what happens when he disappears and the other self, the one overcome with despair and boredom and the need for escape reappears after a long stressful unrewarding day in the workplace. That self is powerful and has not yet proven he can be controlled.
I am going to do my best to be strong and also humble. To be consistent in my behavior. To try and create new healthy patterns that inspire hope and possibility instead of pessimism and indifference. To be a good person to other people wherever I can. To aggressively seek new avenues for hope. To become less reactive to disappointment. To trust others and in the future at least a little bit. To slowly, steadily, build a path to a new sober life.
Thank you for listening. I wish you all well in your own equally arduous journeys.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR newrylinus, and thanks for sharing your story. A lot of us have been through many of the same issues so you'll find lots of support and understanding here.
I am curious about your spreadsheet plan to "track your drinking". Isn't your plan to quit entirely?
I am curious about your spreadsheet plan to "track your drinking". Isn't your plan to quit entirely?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hello and welcome to the site. I imagine it felt really good to get all that out and really start to address your problem. I relate so much to the absolute exhaustion that daily drinking brings.
Other than your spreadsheet what other kinds of things do you have in mind to help you succeed? There are a lot of ways to fight this, regular posting on SR being one. Reach out as much and as often as you need.
Other than your spreadsheet what other kinds of things do you have in mind to help you succeed? There are a lot of ways to fight this, regular posting on SR being one. Reach out as much and as often as you need.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by newrylinus 
This self is genuine. What worries me is what happens when he disappears and the other self, the one overcome with despair and boredom and the need for escape reappears after a long stressful unrewarding day in the workplace. That self is powerful and has not yet proven he can be controlled.
The creator of that spreadsheet is not your genuine self, it's the person that you don't trust.
Just a suggestion, instead of a spreadsheet to track consumption how about a sheet that shows a plan of action the next time you want to pick up that drink? A list of things to do instead. Do this ahead of time, don't wait until the time comes.
I used to come here and read the first post that brought me here. I would post and ask for help. I'd go to a meeting. There are a plethora of things that you can do instead of drinking.
There's a far better life waiting for you and it all starts with not picking up. I know it sounds easier said than done but it can be done.
This board is a great place to start.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Welcome. Hopefully you'll decide there is no need for that spreadsheet. You don't need to plan your first relapse before you even start.
Thee are some great threads on here about making a plan. I would suggest having a good read of those, and starting to make yours.
Wishing you all the best in your recovery. BB
Thee are some great threads on here about making a plan. I would suggest having a good read of those, and starting to make yours.
Wishing you all the best in your recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
I'm not in AA but I have observed this tendency in myself:
Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
Just something to consider.
Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
Just something to consider.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Welcome to SR, newrylinus. You've clearly been thinking about this and have approached it with gravity, which is a very positive sign.
In my own experience, I didn't get anywhere trying to get sober until I came to the sorts of realisations you did - about how serious all of this is, and how you are truly on a path to ultimate destruction if you don't take action now.
I also had the three personalities you describe. The decision to control the drinking personalities - especially the one who drinks alone with abandon - rests with you, the genuine you. Any power you give these personalities to drink has to come from you. The power to go to the store and buy alcohol, the power to say yes to the offer of alcohol, the power to lift a glass to your lips ... all has to come from you. You have the ability to say no at each step. There are many excellent tools here that can help you do that, and I'd suggest writing them down so that they form the backbone of your plan.
Finally, your plan has to contain the things you're going to do to fill the hours of boredom that you describe. I have those hours too. A professional, single person, aged 40+, who isolated while drinking and used after-work hours to escape reality ... that describes me. I chose exercise as an immediate distraction - it's creates an excellent positive feedback loop. I also read a lot of recovery books, which you're embarking on. It's taken me some months of sobriety, but I have also finally just started writing as a hobby again.
The immediate priority is to stay sober during your trigger times using tools you can pick up on this site or in the books you read.
I'd also recommend seeing a doctor to get a full medical check-up. If you're a problem solver in your job, addressing any health issues can be a very positive motivator. Addressing and rectifying my own health issues was a great incentive for me to stay sober.
In my own experience, I didn't get anywhere trying to get sober until I came to the sorts of realisations you did - about how serious all of this is, and how you are truly on a path to ultimate destruction if you don't take action now.
I also had the three personalities you describe. The decision to control the drinking personalities - especially the one who drinks alone with abandon - rests with you, the genuine you. Any power you give these personalities to drink has to come from you. The power to go to the store and buy alcohol, the power to say yes to the offer of alcohol, the power to lift a glass to your lips ... all has to come from you. You have the ability to say no at each step. There are many excellent tools here that can help you do that, and I'd suggest writing them down so that they form the backbone of your plan.
Finally, your plan has to contain the things you're going to do to fill the hours of boredom that you describe. I have those hours too. A professional, single person, aged 40+, who isolated while drinking and used after-work hours to escape reality ... that describes me. I chose exercise as an immediate distraction - it's creates an excellent positive feedback loop. I also read a lot of recovery books, which you're embarking on. It's taken me some months of sobriety, but I have also finally just started writing as a hobby again.
The immediate priority is to stay sober during your trigger times using tools you can pick up on this site or in the books you read.
I'd also recommend seeing a doctor to get a full medical check-up. If you're a problem solver in your job, addressing any health issues can be a very positive motivator. Addressing and rectifying my own health issues was a great incentive for me to stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,578
welcome, newrylinus. Thank you for your honesty and thoughtfulness in sharing your story. I identify with lots of it -- holding it together during the day professionally, and drinking alone in the evening, that was my story. You'll find lots of support here. I agree with the other suggestions to create a list of things you plan to try when a craving hits ... cravings will lessen with time, but only if you abstain.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
What worries me is what happens when he disappears and the other self, the one overcome with despair and boredom and the need for escape reappears after a long stressful unrewarding day in the workplace. That self is powerful and has not yet proven he can be controlled.
I relate VERY much to your story....as I'm sure many here do. Welcome, you are in the right place and are not alone.
That above self, I would suggest that is your addiction. That is no more 'you' than the image you project in the business world (I did the same thing....was quite good at it). Could be that 'you' is somewhere in there.....but the addiction will block the genuine you because that person is a threat to its survival.
My addiction is like carrying around a 100 lb weight....all the time. It takes all my energy and all my thought. It makes me hurt, makes me feel like I don't fit in (who carries around 100 lbs all the time) and takes all of my energy.
Dropping that weight is a huge relief. But with it comes reality and life and, oh GAWD, ME. But the only way to know me is to drop all the pretenses. Pretenses are exhausting.
Good luck and I look forward to hearing about your journey.
I relate VERY much to your story....as I'm sure many here do. Welcome, you are in the right place and are not alone.
That above self, I would suggest that is your addiction. That is no more 'you' than the image you project in the business world (I did the same thing....was quite good at it). Could be that 'you' is somewhere in there.....but the addiction will block the genuine you because that person is a threat to its survival.
My addiction is like carrying around a 100 lb weight....all the time. It takes all my energy and all my thought. It makes me hurt, makes me feel like I don't fit in (who carries around 100 lbs all the time) and takes all of my energy.
Dropping that weight is a huge relief. But with it comes reality and life and, oh GAWD, ME. But the only way to know me is to drop all the pretenses. Pretenses are exhausting.
Good luck and I look forward to hearing about your journey.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Very well written post. It sounds like you've got a pretty good visual on what's going on and I wish you well.
I knew I crossed the Rubicon when my "social circle" were others like me who thought it perfectly normal to be drinking by noon on Friday at 10AM on Saturday with no thought what so ever of quitting until crashing at about 10PM.
Never again for this guy,
I knew I crossed the Rubicon when my "social circle" were others like me who thought it perfectly normal to be drinking by noon on Friday at 10AM on Saturday with no thought what so ever of quitting until crashing at about 10PM.
Never again for this guy,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,994
Welcome and thanks for the honest, informative post. I think many of us would identify with the notion of the "split self". I was certainly like this and the more I had to portray a different , professional persona at work, work I grew to find unfulfilling, the more I drank on coming home to escape, as my "reward". It's exhausting, don't you think. I'm finding now in sobriety, an authentic self, I'm growing to like and accept myself, and I don't have all the work of pretending to be someone I'm not. If people don't like me, that's their issue!
SR is a wonderful resource, perhaps you might join a monthly "class"? I love mine!
SR is a wonderful resource, perhaps you might join a monthly "class"? I love mine!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
That self is powerful and has not yet proven he can be controlled.
You can apply your right to veto. It may not be comfortable for a while, but it's very much possible
I'm glad you found us newrylinus
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 7
Thanks very much to all of you that replied to my post. I really appreciate the specific comments and strategies and the time you took to read my story.
A number of people commented on my "spreadsheet approach" and I thought I would take a moment, at the risk of boring you all to tears, to talk more about that. I called it my "Eternal Vigilance Tracker". It tracks not just my drinking, level of craving and possible triggers to avoid but also a number of other things: what I eat, how much I exercise, my other bad habits, my mood and energy level, etc. The idea is to be fully and consistently accountable for what I do, on good days and bad, and to have a record I can look through to see if I can find specific patterns that lead to good or bad behavior. When I have tried to stop drinking before, I often just substituted 2 or more other compulsive and unhealthy habits in its place. I feel like if I just concentrate on not drinking and don't work hard on figuring out what causes me to want to drink, and make myself healthier overall, I will fail again. I want to build a system that is strong enough and achievable enough to sustain me for both the short and long-term.
Also it is hard to NOT do something. I want to be action-focused and figure out healthy things to do instead. I can see that it sounds like I am giving myself an excuse to drink. What I hopeful of is that instead it tracks the days I don't. What I don't want is to make a mistake and then "start over" again. I want the day I stopped drinking and started the tracker to be my day one no matter what, and to have a record that can shame me appropriately if I give in to temptation. And to have that long list of days of not drinking to keep me strong when it gets tough.
So far it is has been helpful. Every morning I have been getting up early and filling it out and it has been a helpful tool to think about the day before, what I did right and wrong and think strategically about adjustments. It is in some ways less of a spreadsheet than a pocket of spaces to write diary entries in. (I hate regular spreadsheets and there are definitely no formulas!) I am not sure how sustainable this all is, as it takes about 30-45 mins to do. But so far it has helped me focus on my sobriety and set up goals for the day and feels healthier than spending that time in bed. Like I am on the attack and moving forward instead of avoiding the day as long as I can and going into it with no plan at all.
I would be curious to hear if any of you have thoughts on this approach or have others to recommend. Once my books on recovery arrive I hope to steal some ideas from those as well.
In any case, this morning is day 5 and still going strong. Yesterday after work was the first really tough hurdle. The desire to change my lens on life and see the world/feel differently at the end of the day was powerful. I actually found myself making the motion of lifting a shot glass up to my face and drinking even with nothing in my hand. It felt weirdly good (although admittedly odd) to complete that ritual without actually drinking. I have been doing that habitually after work for so long it almost like my muscle memory needed the fix. But I got through the evening without drinking and feel good about that.
I feel confident that if I can just get home without buying any whiskey I will be okay. The challenge is in those weak moments on the way home. I have an turning point on my route where if I turn right I am 2 minutes from a liquor store and if I turn left I am 2 minutes from home. Every day I fret about what I will do when I hit that turn. Yesterday I turned left. Hopefully today I will do the same.
Thank you again for your comments and support. I really appreciate knowing this site is here throughout the day. Best of luck to all of you in getting through today sober.
A number of people commented on my "spreadsheet approach" and I thought I would take a moment, at the risk of boring you all to tears, to talk more about that. I called it my "Eternal Vigilance Tracker". It tracks not just my drinking, level of craving and possible triggers to avoid but also a number of other things: what I eat, how much I exercise, my other bad habits, my mood and energy level, etc. The idea is to be fully and consistently accountable for what I do, on good days and bad, and to have a record I can look through to see if I can find specific patterns that lead to good or bad behavior. When I have tried to stop drinking before, I often just substituted 2 or more other compulsive and unhealthy habits in its place. I feel like if I just concentrate on not drinking and don't work hard on figuring out what causes me to want to drink, and make myself healthier overall, I will fail again. I want to build a system that is strong enough and achievable enough to sustain me for both the short and long-term.
Also it is hard to NOT do something. I want to be action-focused and figure out healthy things to do instead. I can see that it sounds like I am giving myself an excuse to drink. What I hopeful of is that instead it tracks the days I don't. What I don't want is to make a mistake and then "start over" again. I want the day I stopped drinking and started the tracker to be my day one no matter what, and to have a record that can shame me appropriately if I give in to temptation. And to have that long list of days of not drinking to keep me strong when it gets tough.
So far it is has been helpful. Every morning I have been getting up early and filling it out and it has been a helpful tool to think about the day before, what I did right and wrong and think strategically about adjustments. It is in some ways less of a spreadsheet than a pocket of spaces to write diary entries in. (I hate regular spreadsheets and there are definitely no formulas!) I am not sure how sustainable this all is, as it takes about 30-45 mins to do. But so far it has helped me focus on my sobriety and set up goals for the day and feels healthier than spending that time in bed. Like I am on the attack and moving forward instead of avoiding the day as long as I can and going into it with no plan at all.
I would be curious to hear if any of you have thoughts on this approach or have others to recommend. Once my books on recovery arrive I hope to steal some ideas from those as well.
In any case, this morning is day 5 and still going strong. Yesterday after work was the first really tough hurdle. The desire to change my lens on life and see the world/feel differently at the end of the day was powerful. I actually found myself making the motion of lifting a shot glass up to my face and drinking even with nothing in my hand. It felt weirdly good (although admittedly odd) to complete that ritual without actually drinking. I have been doing that habitually after work for so long it almost like my muscle memory needed the fix. But I got through the evening without drinking and feel good about that.
I feel confident that if I can just get home without buying any whiskey I will be okay. The challenge is in those weak moments on the way home. I have an turning point on my route where if I turn right I am 2 minutes from a liquor store and if I turn left I am 2 minutes from home. Every day I fret about what I will do when I hit that turn. Yesterday I turned left. Hopefully today I will do the same.
Thank you again for your comments and support. I really appreciate knowing this site is here throughout the day. Best of luck to all of you in getting through today sober.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: 45th Parallel, Michigan
Posts: 816
This website is here 24/7, and it's full of intelligent, caring, supportive people who understand us; I rely quite heavily on its consistency now, at 9 days sober.
I admire your eloquence! As just another newbie, I only have this to offer:
Keep Turning Left!! Your true self is driving; the Thing that wants you to turn right is not you...
Best regards,
Arp
I admire your eloquence! As just another newbie, I only have this to offer:
Keep Turning Left!! Your true self is driving; the Thing that wants you to turn right is not you...
Best regards,
Arp
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 596
Thanks for this well written and honest post.
The feeling of a "double life", and that you have different "selves", is really classic alcohol addiction. That's how it manifests in many. I felt I was two people, the person who wanted to be good and responsible, and the nightmare trainwreck person who was napalming every decent thing in his life.
The former version is the actual you, the person you were before you started drinking, the person you would always be if you quit drinking. The problem is the other version, solely existing due to your brain's alcohol addiction. You can get rid of that other version by quitting. What once feels like you had multiple selves goes away with sobriety. I know the early stages of quitting for good can be difficult, but I assure you that many have felt exactly as you do, and there is no deep hole out there that cannot be escaped with the right changes.
The feeling of a "double life", and that you have different "selves", is really classic alcohol addiction. That's how it manifests in many. I felt I was two people, the person who wanted to be good and responsible, and the nightmare trainwreck person who was napalming every decent thing in his life.
The former version is the actual you, the person you were before you started drinking, the person you would always be if you quit drinking. The problem is the other version, solely existing due to your brain's alcohol addiction. You can get rid of that other version by quitting. What once feels like you had multiple selves goes away with sobriety. I know the early stages of quitting for good can be difficult, but I assure you that many have felt exactly as you do, and there is no deep hole out there that cannot be escaped with the right changes.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
