Notices

What makes me sick

Old 05-14-2016, 07:52 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
What makes me sick

is me trying my f*cking hardest to stay sober, doing what I can, and it STILL isn't enough. I peek in on the family/friends friends. While here other addicts are encouraging to other addicts, the F/F site tell you no one will ever change. Give up, your spouse/SO sucks. We suck as addicts. That is what I was told today. Why not believe it? That is all I'm told. I wish I hated him as he hates me. I want to and I can't. He goes to NAMI and he told me that he sees the looks on the faces of others when he describes me to them. The hatred and resentment he has toward me for depression/drinking. And he says they all wonder why he's here. He's doing me a favor apparently.

I don't want to lose him and my family but how he makes me feel at times has to be comparable to stuff I did drunk to hurt him. Especially because it is intentionally, and not because he is under the influence of poison. I don't know how I survive this all, and yet he thinks I'm the weakest POS he's ever met. God, I want the Freaky Friday scenario. To trade places for a day. I want him to live in my shoes. I understand where he is coming from, but having NO SYMPATHY, NO LOVE, TOLD NO CHANCE OF GETTING BETTER continually pounded into your brain year after year, no matter how intelligent of a person you are, it has an effect.
Babescake is offline  
Old 05-14-2016, 08:04 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 210,932
I think you have to think of context. Many of the folks on the F and F side have had their lives destroyed by a loved one's addiction.

Just as we come here as newbies and get to a place of healing, it's exactly the same for those on the other side too.

I can look at threads in there now and not take it personally - if anyone thinks they might, then the F and F forums are probably not the place for you right now.

I'm sorry about your SO. Obviously he's just starting his journey too, but it's much harder not to take that personally.

You just have to try and focus on the priority right now which for you is not drinking. Thats the first step in fighting the depression too.

I hope, in time, your partner will react positively to the changes he sees in you and he'll maybe come to understand more about addiction - and mental illness

There *is* understanding tho & support - and this forum and others is where you'll find it, babescake

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 05-14-2016, 08:04 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
#* %&*#$. ****. ****. ****. ****. ****. I'm Sorry. I just need to blow off steam somewhere. This or smashing things. I'm already typing on my Word doc since it can't be sanctioned. But $#*#& $*Q#(&$Q)742390 e7uW()A348() #&$q. ALL of that should be considered curses because I'm that frustrated.
Babescake is offline  
Old 05-14-2016, 08:05 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
Thanks Dee. I wrote that before I read your response and it calmed me down. I just HATE this.
Babescake is offline  
Old 05-14-2016, 08:07 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 210,932
I'm sorry too. I know it's hard.

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 05-14-2016, 08:11 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
It's hard, seeing the other side. I understand. I was In your exact place.....not a husband however so frankly I had more choices. But if I'm true to myself, he had the right to feel as he did. I had the option to leave.....I choose how I'm treated, bottom line. I am not a victim. He was a chauvinist, masogonist, racist, narcissist. But I had a bender, one, 5 days, in two years, but that was enough for him. And, he has that right and choice. It was obvious that while my drinking is usually infrequent, it is catastrophic. And I have PTSD.....another very challenging condition. He was utterly wrong for me and made me feel horrid. But living with an alcoholic, even in recovery? That's no picnic.

I'm sorry you are being mistreated. I can only suggest that you focus on you as best you can. I hope things improve.
entropy1964 is offline  
Old 05-14-2016, 08:17 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
quat
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,819
Sorry to hear you are feeling this way, it is very discouraging and makes it hard to keep moving forward with doing the next right thing.
The disappointment and mistrust we caused is based on our past actions, try and take some solace in the fact that we can from today and forward make a commitment to try and do the next right thing. It is the only way to regain the trust we gave up.
dwtbd is offline  
Old 05-14-2016, 08:21 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
strategery's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
The only thing you can control, is working on yourself and not drinking. I can completely understand why you'd feel hurt by some of the comments by your S/O and on the other threads, but use them as a driving force to keep moving forward as to why you can't go back. Prove them wrong.
strategery is offline  
Old 05-14-2016, 08:22 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
PennyLane76's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1,428
Well, for some reason I have never read the Friends and Family forum before. Lasted about 5 posts and won't go back soon. Made me feel like crap, but it is hard to live with an alcoholic so I do have sympathy for those that do. It's just not the reading we need to build up our self worth right now.
PennyLane76 is offline  
Old 05-14-2016, 08:24 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
teatreeoil007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
For the record, babescake-I know TONS of people who have quit drugs and alcohol and never went back to it. I also know there are many dry drunks out there.

My dad was one of those. He quit drinking in his '40's mainly because of my mom's nagging. But never got professional help for the underlying issues, so he was a depressed, angry person who would become agitated and escalate. He should have been on meds, but that was against my parents code of honor.(?). They dealt with life on life's terms, I suppose, but it was no picnic, I can tell you that. I was happy/glad to graduate and leave home. And though I do miss home as it is just home, I don't miss the tension and my dad's dark moods or my parents' fights.

But.... There is hope, there is healing. When get to feeling in a bit of a funk, I tell myself that the healing process is not always an easy one or a short one and try to be patient.

I think perhaps where some on the F and F forum are coming from is they would hate to see or hear of someone else hurt and abused by an addict the way they were. And, there are many folks who find themselves sort of trapped in a relationship with an abusive addict and don't know where to turn to for help.
teatreeoil007 is offline  
Old 05-14-2016, 08:47 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007 View Post
For the record, babescake-I know TONS of people who have quit drugs and alcohol and never went back to it. I also know there are many dry drunks out there.

My dad was one of those. He quit drinking in his '40's mainly because of my mom's nagging. But never got professional help for the underlying issues, so he was a depressed, angry person who would become agitated and escalate. He should have been on meds, but that was against my parents code of honor.(?). They dealt with life on life's terms, I suppose, but it was no picnic, I can tell you that. I was happy/glad to graduate and leave home. And though I do miss home as it is just home, I don't miss the tension and my dad's dark moods or my parents' fights.

But.... There is hope, there is healing. When get to feeling in a bit of a funk, I tell myself that the healing process is not always an easy one or a short one and try to be patient.

I think perhaps where some on the F and F forum are coming from is they would hate to see or hear of someone else hurt and abused by an addict the way they were. And, there are many folks who find themselves sort of trapped in a relationship with an abusive addict and don't know where to turn to for help.
I completely understand that and it makes me hate myself even more. Because I feel that is my spouse. I do get where he is coming from. I DO. I know I've hurt him, I just don't think he understands the flip slide that I've hurt myself as well and this was all involuntary to begin with. Are my decisions/actions now, despite how hard it is voluntary? Yes, they are. But he uses my addiction as a reason to be resentful and mean. I don't get to use addiction and depression as fall backs for my behavior. He shouldn't get to use my behavior as an excuse for his reactions/behavior either. It it hypocritical. That is where my frustration lies. I'm trying to make amends, but even if I'm perfect (which I'm NOT), he can't get over hate/resentment. I can't hold that burden. To make this marriage works, HE must do that. I must heal and do recovery. But HE must get beyond the history to even get us a new beginning.
Babescake is offline  
Old 05-14-2016, 08:58 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
madgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
Try to disengage a bit if you can. I was told I'd never be able to get sober on my own, but here I am, quietly doing it.

Let him work through his own issues and give him the space to do so - perhaps just focus on getting through each day sober? I know it's hard. I am not making any sort of decisions or judgements while in early sobriety, because I am afraid I have a distorted lens over my eyes and can't see the real picture yet until I am healthier.

I personally am trying my dead level best not to be a jerk myself, and stay sober, and keep faith that if I keep doing that, day after day, things will improve.
madgirl is offline  
Old 05-14-2016, 09:01 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
madgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
But you can come here and vent and cuss and get it all out!!! Big hugs
madgirl is offline  
Old 05-14-2016, 09:35 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
now's the time
 
fantail's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
I'm sorry. I understand how it must feel. It's terrible to be treated as less than because of this. I can only imagine how that must feel in the context of a relationship. I do think it's important to understand that many of the people who seek help for their relationships with alcoholics have dealt with abusive alcoholics. As someone who's been in several abusive relationships, I find their observations to be spot on. People who wield power over their partners, deliberately hurt them, control them, or become violent physically, etc... those are very damaged people. They don't change very often. I agree that people in relationships with abusive people and especially abusive people on substances (which lower inhibitions and promote violence) should get the hell out as soon as possible. I can understand that for people who have only ever known abusive alcoholics, they kind of dislike all alcoholics. I would too if I didn't have direct personal experience with the wide variety of types of alcoholics and addicts.

I don't know what your situation is with your husband, but like Madgirl, I would try to use it as inspiration. In early sobriety I met some people who thought I wouldn't be able to get sober because I didn't do sobriety their way. One of them had this super smug expression he would get when talking about people who failed because they didn't listen to him. I drew a picture of that smug face and wrote "if you drink, he wins" underneath it. It was pretty good motivation for a while until I got steadier in my sobriety. Petty, sure But it turned that negative feeling into a tool.
fantail is offline  
Old 05-14-2016, 09:51 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
teatreeoil007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by Babescake View Post
I completely understand that and it makes me hate myself even more. Because I feel that is my spouse. I do get where he is coming from. I DO. I know I've hurt him, I just don't think he understands the flip slide that I've hurt myself as well and this was all involuntary to begin with. Are my decisions/actions now, despite how hard it is voluntary? Yes, they are. But he uses my addiction as a reason to be resentful and mean. I don't get to use addiction and depression as fall backs for my behavior. He shouldn't get to use my behavior as an excuse for his reactions/behavior either. It it hypocritical. That is where my frustration lies. I'm trying to make amends, but even if I'm perfect (which I'm NOT), he can't get over hate/resentment. I can't hold that burden. To make this marriage works, HE must do that. I must heal and do recovery. But HE must get beyond the history to even get us a new beginning.
I agree with you totally and understand what you are saying.

teatreeoil007 is offline  
Old 05-14-2016, 10:00 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
teatreeoil007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I will second other comments by saying it's good to be able to vent; well it's needful to be able to vent about frustrations and anger. Most of us do understand. And, some people are much more judgmental and condemning than others. Not all addicts are abusive, so I don't think it can ever be assumed that just because you are an alcoholic you are mean. I've known and seen a LOT of mean behavior by folks who never drink or use drugs and who have never been addicted to a chemical substance. I also don't like it when people broad-brush all addicts. Yes there are some things addicts have in common, but every person reacts to a chemical substance in their own way. My dad was a happy drinker and cranky sober person....[a least what I remember witnessing]
teatreeoil007 is offline  
Old 05-15-2016, 10:12 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i am both a recovering addict and the partner of a recovering addict, so take what i say with a grain of salt....

i understand that you are frustrated with your husband's actions right now. however, you've been sober just a few DAYS now....and i suspect your drinking history spans a much longer time than that. it might be presumptive for your partner to suddenly be overjoyed with your sobriety the moment you stop drinking.

its going to take TIME. the very VERY Best thing you can do is to keep the unbroken string of sobriety going. for yourself.....and possibly for your partner. he may or may not be able to trust that you will NOT drink again. and if he is not involved in any support program for himself, he surely has a lot of pent up emotions, with no healthy way to deal with them.

the people in the F&F forums have often stayed with the addict for years and years, as the addict has spun farther out of control. and often their lives are in ruins because of it.....financially thrashed, emotionally beat down, and without hope. because they put so much energy IN to the addict......that they lost themselves. there is often a lot of abuse, real physical, psychological abuse and thus getting away from the addict is encouraged for their safety, not just cuz addicts suk. often they love them TOO much.

do whatever you have to in order to protect your precious sobriety. make it your passion. find joy and disregard the naysayers. become ruthless in your request for happy joyous and free!
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 05-15-2016, 11:08 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
madgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
Because I made the choice to drink for so long, it impacted how I feel about myself and how I view others. I reasoned that since he was buying it and bringing it into the house, I was powerless over it and had to drink it - it was there, in my refrigerator. So I blamed my marriage for my decision to drink.

I now realize it's all my decision and all within my power to say no. It's hard as hell at the moment but without mental and physical clarity, how can I make judgements or conclusions about my relationships? Anyway time will tell - but please, choose to not drink for YOU - for your headspace, for your health as a human - not just so he has a better opinion of you, or provides you with positive reinforcement.
madgirl is offline  
Old 05-15-2016, 11:24 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
under new management
 
2ndhandrose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,338
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
i am both a recovering addict and the partner of a recovering addict, so take what i say with a grain of salt....

the people in the F&F forums have often stayed with the addict for years and years, as the addict has spun farther out of control. and often their lives are in ruins because of it.....financially thrashed, emotionally beat down, and without hope. because they put so much energy IN to the addict......that they lost themselves. there is often a lot of abuse, real physical, psychological abuse and thus getting away from the addict is encouraged for their safety, not just cuz addicts suk. often they love them TOO much.

do whatever you have to in order to protect your precious sobriety. make it your passion. find joy and disregard the naysayers. become ruthless in your request for happy joyous and free!

I am a double winner, a recovering alcoholic married to an active alcoholic so I spend time on both sides of the forum. I don't feel judged on F&F because I don't see anyone condemning their qualifiers for sincerely trying to achieve recovery.

What they are trying to protect themselves from are their loved ones who refuse to change, who want to maintain their addiction at any cost. And that, to me, is a reasonable response to the crazy making that living in active addiction creates.

(((Babescake))) I am sorry your husband is not more supportive of your efforts. I hope you take to heart the last paragraph of AnvilheadII's post.

You are wholeheartedly supported here
2ndhandrose is offline  
Old 05-15-2016, 12:10 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I have not read the entire thread, but keep your chin up babescake. Just keep doing the next right thing. I support you 100%.
thomas11 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:49 AM.