TimeForMe

I left AH in October after many years of threatening to leave because of his alcohol abuse. I never once questioned whether leaving was the right thing to do; it was. I initiated divorce. AH is still in denial; he alternates between asking me to "get to know" him again/dating him (!) and telling me how terrible, miserable, and hateful I am. He blames me for not being emotionally available and causing him to drink.

So of course I did the exact wrong thing and got involved with someone else after I left. This new man is not nor ever was an alcoholic, but recently ended a relationship with an Adderall addict. It felt like we were the walking wounded. I am not healed from my relationship, and neither is he.

Not surprisingly, that relationship went south fast. He is now telling me how terrible and mean I am.

Recently, I had some energy work done, and the therapist told me I have issues with giving my power away to men until I am depleted. I feel that is 100% correct. I also am having some issues with my RAH father at this time, if you couldn't guess. Growing up, my father was physically, mentally, and verbally abusive. He would tell me how terrible I was.

I feel so freaking stupid. How could I get involved with someone else when I KNOW I should not be in ANY relationship right now?? I KNOW I have a lot of work to do. And I am questioning whether I really am terrible and mean. I don't think I am, but when so many people tell you something, maybe there's truth there.

Working from home, I have been able to isolate myself. I've been to a few Al-Anon meetings and did not feel like I fit in. I am an introvert and find it very difficult to just "keep going" to meetings when it is exhausting to find a new meeting, mentally prepare to go, then go, have to hear the whole "welcome" thing and be the center of attention for even 2 minutes.

I guess I'm kind of feeling sorry for myself. The hard thing is knowing that I tried SO hard to 1) stay in my marriage hoping for "the miracle" and 2) intentionally tried NOT to hurt AH - even though he is hurting me. Now New Guy is hurting me with his words. After 40+ years of acting one way, how do you change that?

I read a quote on another site that rang so true. I keep saying it to myself, but I think it makes me come across as MORE terrible and mean:

"You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm."

I just don't know how to proceed in life. I think I just needed to say that I feel like a fool.

Praying

Hi there...you're being kind of tough on yourself today...it's good to reflect and realize you made a mistake, but only so you can use what you learned to adapt and move forward differently.

If you're looking for "fools", I'll be the first in a long line of F&F members to get in line behind you. It happens. I did the same thing.

The hardest thing was admitting that it was a HUGE mistake and I'd gotten in so deep to another bad situation. Once I admitted the mistake, there's no shame in that. Only learning. Sure, it knocked my pride down a few levels, but who cares about that? We're building beautiful people here!

I don't have a lot to say other than -- you're doing alright. Honest reflection is the key to a great future. You know what to do. So do I. I'm certain I'll make more mistakes along the way, but I promise to keep getting better and learning. You will too!

honeypig

TFM, thanks for that quote--it's going in my "Wisdom of SR" file.

No, we are NOT required to set ourselves on fire to keep other people warm, although an awful lot of us have char marks and smell like smoke from trying to do exactly this!

AdelineRose

The best advice I can give is consider where and who the information is coming from. All of the men who are calling you "terrible and mean" are all men who are mentally unstable, two of them are alcoholics, and the other is in a very bad mental space. These are not the kinds of people whom you should take their opinions seriously. In fact if you are going to consider what they have to say at all, take it with a HUGE grain of salt. They all have ALOT of work to do on themselves.

Maybe at times you did come off mean, but really I am sure if you start to replay your relationships with these men, you most likely dealt with lots of situations that are not considered "normal" or healthy. Continue to work on yourself, since you are the only one you can control, and let them worry about them and their issues.

FeelingGreat

Translation of 'mean': firm boundaries, purposeful, focussed, resolved. Many men think women shouldn't be like this. I'm guessing that if you were a man your refusal to take a step back would be seen as strong.

You know what's right for you and you also know you're going to get flak for it, but consider the source. Maybe you would benefit from getting out of your isolation, as it can become harder the longer you stay in it. There must be something you're comfortable with (I know it's hard - like that myself).

LexieCat

You're getting some great feedback here. What I'd suggest as far as Al-Anon goes is to force yourself to sit through several meetings with the same two or three groups. If you "keep coming back" you'll no longer be a newcomer (and feeling like the center of attention). You don't have to share in meetings unless/until you feel it will be helpful to you or to someone else (and remember, just sharing feelings can be great for another newcomer just looking for feelings they can relate to). The more you continue to see the same people--the core group--the more comfortable you will feel. Offer to help clean up after the meeting, or get there a few minutes early and help set up. Trust me, it will be appreciated.

Berrybean

Hi TFM. You don't sound like a fool. Just someone who is on a learning journey, like so many of us here.

I don't know if you have read any of the CoDa literature, but I think with your family history, and recent experiences, that their handbook might be useful to you. I learned a lot from is, and it gave enough missing parts of the jigsaw to start seeing the picture before extending my voyage of self-discovery.

AnvilheadII

you HAVE ended things with new man, yes??????????????

TimeForMe

Thank you, thank you, thank you all so much. I was expected a much different response - I'm not even sure why - and you all gave me such a sense of relief. I've been beating myself up over everything. I'm on my phone so I can't "thumbs up" your responses. Just know I appreciate each and every comment.

Anvilhead - we haven't really talked or seen each other in a week and I'm not going to call. Thanks for calling me out on that.

Thank you all for your strength.

minime13

Can't help who you are attracted to, but you can help what you do about that attraction. And don't feel foolish - foolish is an opportunity for a learning experience. Sometimes life presents us with the same lesson because we haven't been prepared to learn in the past. , as well as to keep us on the right track.

I feel you on the introversion thing. I've always been more introverted. A week without plans is absolute paradise, isn't it?

Meetings used to kind of make me feel that same amount of discomfort that the first day of school was, when you had those teachers who insisted on having everyone introduce themselves. I always skipped the first day of class in college, so I know how you feel.

Once you get past the 1st day in a meeting, it's a lot easier. You participate when you're ready to after introductions. And, if the meetings are not really for you, one on one counseling may be a better option. There are counselors with addiction/al anon backgrounds. You may have to hunt a little for them, but you will get the background and experience you need.

The biggest challenge I've ever come to realize as an introvert is that there are, in fact, some things bigger than me. Just take the time you need to mentally prepare yourself and you'll be all right.

This board is great mental preparation, in the interim. So, keep coming back - flip through and read some of these stories because you'll find quite a few that go in stride with your current situation. You'll find questions posed that you haven't thought of, and find explanations and reasonings that will ease your mind. And those things may help ease the tension of walking into a face-to-face group.

Hang in there!

Bekindalways

Hey Timeforme, you sound pretty smart as you have left two relationships that were not healthy. Furthermore you seem to be trying to figure out how to avoid these relationships altogether. This isn't stupid; this looks like a boatload of wisdom (Okay maybe not quite a boatload of wisdom but it does look like you are shoveling wisdom onto that boat as fast as you can).

It does suck to hurt folks and/or be hurt in relationships but I don't think most of us get through life without being in that situation.